Feel and act very unsexy

[Iceicelady]

I feel like I don't have a sexual side at the moment, or at least not one I can express.

I was dumped by my dp last summer, he left me for someone else. I'm definitely over him, but starting to think I might not be over all the fall out from the break-up. I've been dating for a few months and nothing is happening. I get asked out, I get asked out for second dates, but no one is making a move. It's a term I hate, but I think I'm giving off frigid vibes. I go out and I don't eye up guys like my friends do. I'm sociable, I'm just not sexual.

I just don't feel sexy, even though I really, really want intimacy. It doesn't help that I've put on weight. I'm not overweight but I'm above the weight I'm comfortable at (The weight that my ex DP found unattractively skinny - the realisation of which is partly to blame for me putting on weight). I feel unattractive for other reasons to. My ex had hang-ups about sex which meant our sex life developed a rather functional vibe and I just don't know how to go about being out there and feeling good about it.

I want to fix this. I'm not an asexual person. I want to be able to flirt, be available, take risks and feel confident to get naked with someone. I just don't know how to.

Going back over previous comments of yours op, I know my weight has played a large part in whether I feel sexy which has then affected my behaviour. From acting more prudishly and wearing more conservative clothes. I think state of mind is at least half of it.

Things I felt made me feel confident on dates etc:
Buying posh flattering underwear
Running my outfits past girly friends to ensure right combination of not tarty but not boring.
Alcohol!

It was enjoyable to behave in a flirtatious manner, eventually find someone mutually responding but not taking it any further for a few dates.

Dont settle for someone you are not interested in. Theres a difference to being more open about dating someone you might otherwise have overlooked to settling for someone you have no interest in.

I really feel your self esteem is the biggest barrier. If you begin to believe you are not attractive what's the guy meant to think? it sounds like you need some pep talking from your friends.

State of mind and self esteem is a large part of it I guess. Rationally I know most people would be surprised if they knew I now saw myself as fat and unfanciable. But it's almost like I've lost my normal tools. And pep talks from friends don't help because of cause they'll tell me I'm ridiculous, because they are my friends and their job is to blow unwarrantedsmoke up my arse. I'm happy being single for nowbut I think it's reasonable to not want to feel that it's a state entirely forced on me.

Walk I very much treat first dates in the same vein. No expectations. And I think this what makes it frustrating when you do end up feeling like you're clicking and then they turn out not to be interested. (Although a bigger problem is still me not being interested so maybe there's a guy out there now complaining "but she laughed at my jokes, how can she say she wasn't keen").

I don't feel I am in danger of settling. It's almost the opposite, I'm holding out for something amazing where everything feels right and in tune from the off, and that is unrealistic.

I guess I'm wondering at what point I have to accept the problem is me. I've met a lot of people through OD, most I have found interesting, only a couple I've felt attracted to. I'm not meeting anyone single in real life where there's any mutual spark. With those numbers it does seem like I should be looking at the common denominator, which is me.

I think you're looking at this through the wrong end of the telescope. OD means you're hooking up with stranger after stranger .. blind date after blind date. That's not a recipe for 'something amazing where everything feels right'... it's a needle in a haystack job. The 'date' itself is also a very artificial set-up positively bristling with unspoken pressures and expectations.

If you're not meeting single, nice people in real life broaden your social circle. Pursue things that interest you and make you feel confident and happy. Make female as well as male friends because women have brothers and friends and so on... and the more people you connect with, the better your chances.

Ok so theres a number of possible things going on:

OD may not be working out for you. As suggested maybe starting a hobby and meeting people through that might be easier.

Perhaps you are reading others body language wrong if you think they're interested then they're not. Or maybe you aren't and they are the type to lead others on.

What is it you look for when you first meet some one? Are there certain things about these men that you weren't interested in that you didn't like or just something you cant put your finger on?

Is it that your lack of interest is coming across through your behaviour in some way? Or perhaps the low self esteem around dating? For some that could be off putting.

Delia I do think OD and me might not be a good fit. I don't think I like the instant judgement approach to dating. I'm perfectly happy to be friends with someone and see what happens, but OD really doesn't encourage that. I'm reluctant to quit though as I'm not sure I'd meet that many people other wise.

I do actually have a good social life, including taking up some new hobbies. But I find people are busy and a lot of contact with new people is fleeting. I think it's partly a big city problem, everyone is too busy to even see their own friends so unless they're instantly smitten by someone they don't make the effort.

I think my lack of interest in general is coming across. When I go out with friends to a bar or something I'm definitely not giving off available vibes. I think that's partly a hang up (still) from being in a long relationship and partly because I find it a bit cringey. And I think I'm warm but in a slightly professional way on dates so maybe it doesn't come across well.

I had a real low about it all yesterday and ranted at some friends, but I'm trying to put a better head on this morning.

Really.... just concentrate on being happy & confident in yourself. All this stuff about 'available vibes' is probably not the case. What most people (male and female) respond to is a happy, confident person that is relaxed in their company. If you're 'desperate to meet' that never really works.

This is a really vague comment but trying to be helpful. When I lived in a city and felt a bit isolated I found a website and email group that organised social events for singles or those looking to meet others. Ive also got an acquaintance that runs a walking tour company that does singles walks. These may not be your bag and I cant remember the details but just ideas. I think some hobbies are more suited to meeting others. Quite a few singles at my local dance class of both gender and theres a huge social side.

An update:

I am having lots and lots of lovely sex, and have been for a while.

I feel like a totally different person. I'm still not in the shape I'd like but it's like something's flipped in my head and I'm now really able to enjoy myself.

There you go!

Glad it all turned out well for you.

OP, I'm sure there's at least one man out there that thinks you're sexy; it's not all about shaking yo' ass in tight booty shorts on the dancefloor.

For instance, there's a woman that I know that to me is incredibly sexy because she's a bit scatty, awkward and clumsy at times and for those reasons I find her seriously attractive.

D'oh! Didn't see IceIceLady's update above for some reason.

Ah well, glad your now getting some.

Love your update! So happy for you. What happened...did you just meet the right guy or did time help?