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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do I go back - not coping on my own

55 replies

rotool · 29/03/2013 21:52

I have left emotionaly abusive relationship.
I went to a refuge in January. ex-p started court proceedings to get me back in the area so the children would return to their school and succeeded.
I moved in with a friend with my children whilst looking for a property. I have found a property and have tenancy agreement etc...I have no money as I lost my job when I left to go to the refuge. I have been turned down for a community grant. I get tax credits and have signed on at the job centre but get no money from ex-p and until financial hearing cannot get anything from the house. The new house is unfurnished and I can't move into it as have no beds,sofa etc.
Children have been spending the first part of the holidays with the dad and are coming back to me on Sunday expecting to be in the new house.
I can't stop crying, everything has gotten so hard.
When I went to the refuge I was told I would get so much help but there really is nothing out there.
I have swapped one crap life for another.
He wants me to go back, I don't know what to so, I don't feel as though I have much choice then to go back but I have spent 14 months trying to get away.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 29/03/2013 22:05

You only look back to see how far you've come.....

Now, sign up for freecycle. See what's on there. Any furniture charity shops locally?

tallwivglasses · 29/03/2013 22:05

Please, don't go back. The EA will get worse as he'll feel he has complete power over you. Congratulations for having the strength to leave by the way, and stay away for so long. I think you've been treated very unfairly. Are the refuge aware you were turned down, made to move back, etc? Have you been in touch with the CSA?

It's probably the last thing you feel like doing but can you treat your lack of furniture into a kind of camping adventure-type game for the kids? They say kids like cardboard boxes - let them help to make tables, cupboards, etc. And Freecycle/Freegle is your friend. Is there a Community Furniture place near you? also try local churches and food banks. I'm sure people will rally round.

Just don't go back. An empty house full of love is better than a house full of furniture and fear.

HeySoulSister · 29/03/2013 22:06

Oh, do you have any connections to the forces? Long shot here

FucktidiaBollockberry · 29/03/2013 22:10

Don't go back, you will only be giving him even more power over you and the abuse may well get worse. He's already showing you how determined he is to control you by forcing you to go back to the area where he is.

Can you call the refuge and ask them for links to local charities where you can get hold of furniture etc.?

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 22:12

I have contacted the CSA but he works for his father and his taxable income is so low I will be lucky to get anything. This isn't what he really earns but it's covered up very well.
I just feel so bad for the kids because we have no TV and hardly any toys.

OP posts:

jjgirl · 29/03/2013 22:16

When you reply to adds on free cycle don't be afraid to state your circumstances , not everyone gives things to the first person to reply. Some people will genuinely try to help you.
Don't go back. Your life will get better.

cq · 29/03/2013 22:16

Whereabouts are you, OP? I have spare stuff.

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 22:24

Nr Cirencester, I can't believe you would do that for me cq

OP posts:

ccsays · 29/03/2013 22:27

Have you appealed the community care grant? If not, do so. If you get knocked back again appeal to the independent review service. Very common to get knocked back on the first application. I once applied for one for a woman who was more than deserving, got knocked backed, appealed and got £900. If possible see if you can get some sort of supporting letter from the refugee explaining that you are fleeing domestic abuse. Even if you do get money, appeal for more to the independent review service, you'll often get more and it does no harm to try.

Don't go back, you will get through this

Lueji · 29/03/2013 22:29

seconding freecycle.
You can check what's available and post a request.

Remember that all you need is a mattress, really.
The children will need you and your love, plus being away from the emotionally abusive parent.

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 22:31

I have appealed, two weeks ago but I've not heard anything yet. He's ringing me all the time telling me we should make a go of it for the kids sake.
Everything seems so hopeless..

OP posts:

Conina · 29/03/2013 22:35

Rotool how old are your DC?

izzyizin · 29/03/2013 22:36

It's always darkest before the dawn - hang on in there, honey. I'm nowhere near Wiltshire but I've got loads of 'bits and pieces' I can box up and post to you.

Have you got back to the refuge and told them what's going on - or not, as the case may be?

Chooster · 29/03/2013 22:39

If you tried to leave or thought about it for 14months then going back would be such a shame after all the heartache you must have gone thru to get this far. I have some spare toys I can send you, especially if you have any boys?

chocolatecakeystuff · 29/03/2013 22:40

Appeal the cc grant, 9 times out of 10 they pay out on appeal.

Free cycle all the way, if only you'd posted this a week ago I had bunk beds that went to the tip.

What do you need? I have spare curtains. Home bargains sell wardrobes for £7. My parents own a storage company & have stuff going begging, not good enough to srll but too good for the tip.... I know its not brilliant but better than nothing. Will see if we've got any collections near by.

Budgeting loans/ emergency pay outs... can't remember what they're callef... crisis loans or something?

Also local churches. The church attached to dds school just decorated our house as a comunity project & they said they had loads of furniture donated.

Stick with it. Once your house feels like a home will be worth it I promise.

You've come so far leaving, don't throw it all away xxxxx

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 22:42

I have two boys 7 and 8.5
I have gone through so much, I don't think the refuge can help. I just feel he has everything, the house and everything in it. He's carrying on his life and I have nothing.

OP posts:

mercibucket · 29/03/2013 22:54

where are you, op? bet one of us is near and can help

mercibucket · 29/03/2013 22:54

where are you, op? bet one of us is near and can help

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 22:58

In between Cirencester and Swindon

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 29/03/2013 22:58

You have everything that's worth anything. You have your life back and the freedom from abuse, which is worth a million TVs. If you go back now, he'll grind you down again, telling you that you can't manage without him and there's every danger you'll believe him. You've been incredibly strong, just hang on a little bit longer and things will get easier.

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 23:02

I keep telling myself that I will look back in 6 months time and wonder why I was so unhappy, it's just that even a day seems to take an age to get through at the moment.

OP posts:

chocolatecakeystuff · 29/03/2013 23:03

Ps, try charties linked to children in need... there's one that provides beds to people in your situation. Xxxx

Original poster

rotool · 29/03/2013 23:11

Thank You everyone.
I'm going to hang on , charity shops a good idea, have just googled the ones near me and have found a couple selling furniture.
It's very hard to stay positive when you feel so low, my emotions go up and down like a yo yo and so it's hard to get things into perspective.

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 29/03/2013 23:23

Just remembered - Greggs and I think Community Foundation do hardship grants. Glad you're going to hang on. Your kids will thank you for it one day x

izzyizin · 29/03/2013 23:25

"I keep telling myself that I will look back in 6 months time and wonder why I was so unhappy"

The power of mumsnet is such that you'll be looking back in 6 weeks, if not 6 days, time wondering why you were so unhappy at the prospect of moving into your own home - a place where you will be free to be you and your dc can be themselves and you can live without fear.

Help is on the way and in the meantime sign up to freecycle and do please get back to the refuge and let them know you need urgent practical support to get your new home habitable for your dc.

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