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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do i feel i have to test him and does anyone else follow this behaviour.

36 replies

effeff · 09/05/2006 19:29

I'm going to be brutally honest now as i need some help. I'll give you an example and tell you what i've just done. I rang my boyfriend and said i really think you deserve to watch the football tonight.Don't be daft he said i've made a promise to you. I then proceeded to persuade him for the next ten minutes that he should and i love him and i don't mind. Once he agreed i suddenly without warning felt really rejected. This in turn has sent me into a vulnerable mess who has just sent him a text saying, i'm busy all week and have had better offers. WTF is up with me?

Also i'm perfectly aware we need are own space but i feel yet again really rejected if he knocks me back. It's never with anything other than he is going to his parents or he has to look at a job , but i cant keep my emotions under control and take it as a personal insult.

This has caused a huge amount of shit in our relationship. I act like a needy suffocating stalker. I'm ok when i'm on my own and love my own time. It just happens when we discuss what we are both up to.

Now here come the worst bit, if i've not seen him for a day, i think he has gone off me and hassle him to death. This is usually when we end up breaking up because i make him feel like he cannot piss without me. It comes as a shock to both of us as i'm really not that person and despise women who cannot cope without a bloke.
I push him to the end degree and try and save my clingy embrassment by making out i don't care about him at all. It usually ends with me saying something pretty nasty to put him down.

Last time we broke up he said it was because he could never be what i wanted him to be. I really do scare him.

Now........ what am i playing at if i know i am doing it and how on earth do i stop. He really really doesn't deserve it.

OP posts:
JanH · 09/05/2006 19:55

Is that you, chuck?

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 19:56

course it is

OP posts:
Feistybird · 09/05/2006 20:02

I think you've analysed yourself pretty well - and tbh if a bloke behaved like that with me, I would be off (as I'm sure you would).

Why do you do it? well it's either a behaviour trait that runs in the family or you've been treated like shit previously and it's a kind of self-preservation tactic I would guess.

JanH · 09/05/2006 20:09

In this case it's your second suggestion, FB! Wink

effeff, should I come down there with a large brick and whack you with it? Would that help? You are such good value and so is he, and if you could just get over all the crap you've had to deal with before things would be practically perfect (rather like M Poppins Grin)

SenoraPostrophe · 09/05/2006 20:10

I'm going to sound all american now, but it sounds like you have a serious self esteem problem. you don't think you're that great a person so why should he? (is what you're probably thinking on some level). You need to address that. how you do it depends on you really - sometimes things like little treats (getting your hair done etc) can help, or it might take more work. a new hobby? a course? a better job? counselling even? It will probably also help if you tell your boyfriend all this.

Of course I could be copletly wrong so feel free to ignore me.

SenoraPostrophe · 09/05/2006 20:10

ahh crappy relationship. same result though - I stand by my suggestions.

beety · 09/05/2006 20:12

i feel you need to go see a counsellor and perhps the two of you need to go together as well.

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 20:26

Little treats like a haircut are completely out of the question at the moment.

Feistybird thats a bit of an eyeopener, i suppose anyone in their right mind would dump me, who knows.

I wouldn't ask him to go to counselling with me, its not fair on him, at all.

I have done all i can to get my self esteem back, very independant, good social life, hobbies, interests.

I just cant stop, back to therapy it is. I doubt i'll go though, it makes me worse. They make you question everyuthing, even things you felt safe with.

OP posts:
PinkKerPlink · 09/05/2006 20:28

I am a jealous type so not very good at giving advice on this matter
counselling has helped me realise what a great, fantastic person i am though and why people liiiike me so much Wink

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 20:59

I find compliments highly embarassing if i'm honest.

OP posts:
kama · 09/05/2006 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 21:07

Have been through similar stuff like that in the past due to my own behaviour. For me it was defo a self esteem issue and largely due, as FB put it, to a self-preservation thing.

Meeting a lovely man who i now trust entirely helped me. I hope that happens to you too. Good luck.

TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 21:11

PS and like you i never wanted to rely on a man for anything and was happy in my own space... you have to try and risk that pride of yours iykwim. Being nice and making compromises will not make you a pushover, in fact it is the brave option.

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 21:12

He does tell me to stop with text messages such as, don't do this babe.

I know, he knows, i feel like screaming at myself.

I think anger management might be a good step forward.

I'm not like this constantly, i push it to the limits then calm down. I'm not sure i could show him this thread, it's not really his cup of tea.
It's a mainly mothers chatroom with women wittering on.

OP posts:
beety · 09/05/2006 21:13

going together may help you to realsie what you both need and want

kama · 09/05/2006 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 09/05/2006 21:26

It's really, really hard to trust a man/relationship when you've been as badly treated in the past as you have, honey. On one level you 'need' to prove that whatever you do, he'll stay - on another, that you're appalling and have to drive him away. And I bet (oh I'm just so insightful, yeah right) that some of your behaviour is also to punish the previous bastard, IYSWIM.

Sweetie, try and unpick it. I'd say get someone else involved too. You're lovely. You don't need to feel that you are a person who behaves like this.xxx

darkchocolate · 09/05/2006 21:28

i so recognise the feelings behind your behaviour though I've never acted on it to the extent you have, an i am sooooo much better these days. My hackles rise as soon as boyf appears to be letting me down, I have got into the habit of sitting and questioning properly whether or not i have a right to be p'd off before i react to him (luckily we communicate a lot by text so i don't always have to react on the spot).
Would agree about it being a self esteem thing, but would also add that it is also to do with feeling secure & safe in yourself & your own life. For me it is also a LOT to do with trust - not necessarily trusting him in the usual way such as trusting he'll be faithful etc, but trusting that he is still 100% in the relationship, like you said, a day goes by without him & you feel paranoid, and trusting also that you're not going to be mistreated, in any way. I still find it impossible to 100% trust another person, it just doesn't make sense to me, but i have concluded that as long as I trust myself, then it doesn't really matter - if he DOES treat me like sht then I* can walk away and I'll be fine on my own. The panic sets in when you think you wouldn't cope if it went pear shaped.

I hope that makes sense. Also, FWIW TheArchangel, my previous relationship that lasted 5 yrs was with someone i totally & utterly trusted, felt completely safe with, etc, but it had the opposite effect on me, was very bad for me, i had to leave it in order to actually face my issues. My current relationship is the opposite, i never felt secure in it and still don't to an extent, and boyf is extremely independent and has always been intolerant of any hint of clinginess, and it has actually REALLY helped me to sort those issues out. I am much more independent, confident and happy in myself than i was before. I am learning that another person is a separate individual and that that's ok and that you can trust that. I really hope this makes sense!

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 21:32

Thanks Archangel, he is a lovely man, i have just apologised and he simply said, no worries darling and please please would i still come out this week. ( i told him in a fit of lunacy to sell my ticket to a concert)

I just want to stop this now.

Beety, i understand why you suggest we should both go together i just feel the issues are im so intense and need to lighten up and enjoy what we have. i have put him through an enormous amount of pressure and emotional blackmail that i think he doesn't deserve to analyse us anymore.

Kama, i will talk to him, i think it is the best way we communicate and most of the time through phonecalls texts and emails it messes up more.

I will tell him i have spoken on here about it and if he wants to look and doesn't understand he can read it.

OP posts:
darkchocolate · 09/05/2006 21:37

tell me about it re texts! have had a few blow outs over those now we only ever text about silly things. sometimes it was down to me trying to be subtle about how i felt about something and it backfiring on me Blush

Original poster
effeff · 09/05/2006 21:40

I need to put my phone in the bin.

OP posts:
Rach69 · 09/05/2006 22:11

I think loads of women do this, you are not alone! I agree with what other people have said that you are down on yourself and seem to want to drive him away in order to punish yourself IYSWIM ie I don't deserve him. I think analysts call it 'borderline' behaviour (as in borderline personality disorder - making the other person walk on eggshells, there's a book called 'I hate you, don't leave me!'.

PS Take your sim card out of your phone, count to 100 and then 100 again - hopefully by the time you get in back in, your compulsion to text will have gone!

sparklemagic · 09/05/2006 22:34

eff, I hope things start to go better for you.

One thing that stands out though is your willingess to shoulder all the bad stuff. You say "I couldn't ask him to come to counselling" "I couldn't ask him to read this thread, it's just women wittering on" . He obviously WANTS to be in a relationship with you. That means getting involved with your difficulties as well as the fun stuff. If you need help in some way, never feel that you can't or shouldn't involve him - he's part of the relationship too. Don't be self effacing. And maybe, if fully involved in what drives your difficulties, he can help you more than you would think?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/05/2006 07:28

effeff,

Re your comment:-
"just cant stop, back to therapy it is. I doubt i'll go though, it makes me worse. They make you question everything, even things you felt safe with".

If you don't have any form of counselling at all you'll be carrying out these ultimately self destructive patterns of behaviour for the rest of your days with either him or someone else. Is this what you really want, of course it isn't.

Counsellors are like shoes (if you can't work with the first one you see then find another) and what you need to confront is not going to be at all easy for you. It will be indeed difficult and painful but you will get through it if the will within you is really there to address the issues you undoubtedly have.

fairyfly · 10/05/2006 09:48

Cannot be bothered changing my name this morning, Not sure who i'm hiding from, sooooooo many people.

Thanks atilla and sparkly, i feel slightly fecked up now. I will find it incredibly draining to go and see a therapist. I like to be practical and keep my head above water. I know i need some re relationships but when everything else is going swimmingly well it makes you wonder why you are tempting fate and moaning. Well it does me.

sparkle, you made my want to cry then, spelling out he does want to be in a relationship with me.
I have tslked myself out of the fact so many times that is true.

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