Why do i feel i have to test him and does anyone else follow this behaviour.

[effeff]

I'm going to be brutally honest now as i need some help. I'll give you an example and tell you what i've just done. I rang my boyfriend and said i really think you deserve to watch the football tonight.Don't be daft he said i've made a promise to you. I then proceeded to persuade him for the next ten minutes that he should and i love him and i don't mind. Once he agreed i suddenly without warning felt really rejected. This in turn has sent me into a vulnerable mess who has just sent him a text saying, i'm busy all week and have had better offers. WTF is up with me?

Also i'm perfectly aware we need are own space but i feel yet again really rejected if he knocks me back. It's never with anything other than he is going to his parents or he has to look at a job , but i cant keep my emotions under control and take it as a personal insult.

This has caused a huge amount of shit in our relationship. I act like a needy suffocating stalker. I'm ok when i'm on my own and love my own time. It just happens when we discuss what we are both up to.

Now here come the worst bit, if i've not seen him for a day, i think he has gone off me and hassle him to death. This is usually when we end up breaking up because i make him feel like he cannot piss without me. It comes as a shock to both of us as i'm really not that person and despise women who cannot cope without a bloke.
I push him to the end degree and try and save my clingy embrassment by making out i don't care about him at all. It usually ends with me saying something pretty nasty to put him down.

Last time we broke up he said it was because he could never be what i wanted him to be. I really do scare him.

Now........ what am i playing at if i know i am doing it and how on earth do i stop. He really really doesn't deserve it.

It would be totally weird if you weren't deeply damaged by the treatment you received from your ex. He destroyed your sense of self-worth, and you can't help being insecure and needy now. I know because I've been there. Psychotherapy and my DH helped me to heal.

Please get therapy, it's so so helpful. You wouldn't hesitate if you had a broken arm or a constant headache.

My kids used to ask me where I was going. I'd say, to see a special doctor who helps to heal you when you are unwell in your emotions.

It would be tragic if you and your man split properly over this. You need to heal for him, for your boys but most of all for you. I promise you your only regret will be that you didn't do it sooner and avoid wasting precious days of your live in unhappiness. Accept the fact that you need expert help to deal with this very complex and deep damage you've sustained.

It isn't a gift to anyone to try and soldier on.

What a great post anorak. Wise words indeed.

Good luck FF - he really does sound one in a million, so I'm sure he'd go the extra mile to counselling with you.

fairyfly,

I thought that anorak wrote an excellent post also.

I know you will find it incredibly difficult to see a therapist. You would though seek advice for a medical issue, why not use the same approach for mental health too?.

Many women do find things difficult being with a decent kind man after being subjected to all the crap a nasty, dysfunctional, bitter ex has thrown at them. Their issues are taken on board and you end up believing them. You are worth so much more really.

I wish you well whatever transpires.

Thankyou everyone.

I would like to know when you decide to lay yourself bare and emotionally upset who on earth carries you. I need to stay strong. I cannot fold. This is why therapy scares me, they will open up stuff and i will be drained. I dont want to be a drained mother.

Another issue i have though which is i can see very dangerous and could ruin me. I think, well i know, when the man i put in prison comes out i will be terrified. I make jokes to my boyfriend all the time........... when i get stabbed....... etc....... it's not actually funny is it.

Hold on, i'm ringing the doctors.........

O.k. asked, therapist not in, i've asked them to put a note in her diary and ring me as soon as poss, shit.

With me it was probably the best move I've ever made, seeking therapy. You and I are cluey girls, emotionally aware and sensitive and it's very easy to think we understand ourselves enough to deal with these issues by ourselves.

Not so.

I discovered when I went through therapy that my problems weren't so much based on the unfair and cruel treatment I'd received from my ex but rather what had made me feel I would accept said treatment. It was all much deeper, conditioned patterns of behaviour in me than I could ever have uncovered on my own. I learned that I could choose my environment and my relationships with much more discernment. Previously I'd always felt like a victim, couldn't see how I could change things.

Therapy totally changed my life. All the emotionally stable people I know who have overcome emotional damage in their lives have done it via psychotherapy. I totally believe in it.

Crossed posts.

The reason I sought therapy in the first place was because I knew I'd reached the point where I would no longer be able to function without help.

Don't worry that therapy will shatter you. Worry that managing without it will shatter you. And nothing will change. You could go your whole life never getting to grips with it all.

Therapy isn't easy. It will dig up unpleasant feelings. But it leads somewhere so all the effort is constructive and finite. And the sense of progress and acheivement is it's own reward.

Don't be scared. You're totally doing the right thing.

I've gone past the stage where i feel like a victim. I am grateful for a lot of the crap that happened, I faced a lot of my fears and got to the otherside. I think i am an incredibly lucky person surrounded by love and care. Definetly not a victim.

What i need to work out now is why i am surrounded by love and care and get my self worth back.

My boyfriend told me in the nicest possible way that i make him feel loke shit. I make him feel like he is treading on egg shells. This morning he told me he hadn't slept all night and was working on adrenalin and coffee. I'm not going to 100 percent responsible for his emotions. That wouldn't be fair. I am on the otherhand going to let him live and be happy, stop driving him away. If i ruin us now i will have thrown something truly magical away.

When i first met him i couldn't even be touched by a man. I adore him.

That's it girl!

You know you need to do this - with his support and love you will come out the other side of therapy living up to all your potential. You're already fab, just think how irresistibe you'll be!

Thanks Mrs Star x

I've just had a big chat with him on the phone. I told him i was going to try and get therapy. I nearly cried. The response was, should i be pissed off i can't help you with this? I told him not at all, i had deep routed problems from long before us.
His response? Book yourself a ruddy smear aswell.

He's worried about you. So you should book a smear if one's due. Time you started taking care of yourself.