Does your h phone you with stuff to do for them? What is reasonable and what is not?

[feelokaboutit]

I may be being unreasonable - please be gentle if you think I am...

To set the scene - h and I have a difficult relationship where no affection or love is shown. He is difficult to talk to, short tempered and bossy.

He has gone away to work for a few days (develop a property he owns) and is staying in a static campsite. He rang this morning to ask if I could chase up a package he had sent for a customer. I did this and rang him back with the info.

He then rang again and asked me to find the local number to the campsite he is staying in and tell them that the toilet in the caravan he is staying in is leaking. Part of me was thinking why can't he pop in to the office and talk to them as the place he is developing is literally next to the campsite - but probably would have just accepted he wanted this doing. He then said could I also tell them that they had booked a "silver" caravan and what they were given is definitely not of that standard. At this point I said why couldn't he go in to the office and tell them as it would make more sense than me phoning on their behalf from more that 100 miles away, having not seen the caravan etc.... He did say he was not near the office but I didn't find out where he actually was as at that point he was shouting etc...

He mimicked the way I said "on my behalf" in a really horrible way.... Acted all scathing and scornful, so I said fine, I would phone them, and hung up.

I looked up the campsite and found only the national number on the screen. Was considering phoning them up and asking for a local number but thought - no forget it. Plus his attitude and unkind way of talking and the fact that he only ever phones me to get me to do stuff - NEVER - to ask how I am etc, mean that I somehow lose the will to live. On top of which the dcs and I had a terrible morning getting to school today and I was really upset about that.

He rang a couple of times after that but I ignored the phone. Then this afternoon, when I was seeing my son's teacher (parents' afternoon) he rang twice but I was unable to pick the phone up. I then phoned him back thinking surely he must have moved on from this morning. But no. He asked me if I had phoned the campsite and I said no since there was no local number listed. He then started shouting as to why I hadn't phoned him or texted him to tell him this. I lied and told him I had been volunteering (which I sometimes do at my kids' school).... my point being that sometimes people are busy with their own stuff....

What I really would have liked to have said is that I am fed up with being so unloved and the potential daily bait for his displeasure.

Anyway, disregarding the fact that we have a lot of baggage and stuff we have not dealt with, should I have made more of an effort to phone the campsite on his behalf??

My gosh, why are you with this man? He is using you like a secretary, not a wife!

My DP never phones me to get me to do stuff for him! And if he did, it would be in an emergency and I would do everythgin I could to help him!

You do know you can say no to him right?

You do know you deserve emotional intimacy from someone you are married to right?

You do know you can divorce a husband who doesn't give you emotional intimacy or support and treats you like a maid and secretary right?

OP, this man sounds exactly like my father.

My mum stayed with him till she was in her late 50s. The crunch point came when she had to have an operation under GA and he phoned her throughout the day, shouting at her as to why she hadn't organised something for him. Whilst she was having an operation.

She left him after that, and now regrets wasting so many years of her life with him.

I love my dad but I'd never live with him. What you're describing is abusive and controlling. I will not say 'leave', but just ask yourself these questions:

a) do you feel relieved when he's gone?
b) do you cringe a little inside when you see it's him calling?
c) if someone could wave a magic wand and make it so you were financially okay but never had to see him again and the kids weren't sad about that, would that be a massive relief?

If the answer is yes I think you have your answer!

He is totally out of order. You have a right to be spoken too with respect and kindness. He clearly regards his time and his needs as rather more important than your time and your needs.

Eh? Surely in marriage it's treat each other as u want to be treated....

no, how he has spoken to you is not ok. How he treats you is not ok. The shouty/ranty/silence; also not ok.

If an employer or my husband spoke to me like that they would get short shrift that is for sure.

I do things for my husband, and he does for me too. Partnership/marriage is about looking out and after each other. But not if I were spoken to the way you were.

YOu need Lundy Bancroft

Eye opener for many on here

feelokaboutit you've posted about your DH being controlling and rude to you before, I think? Weren't you in counselling together last year?

I quite often sit on the fence on relationship threads or just post supportive, bland words but for once I am going to say what I feel... your DH sounds like a horrible man and you seem to have tried really, really hard to make your relationship work. Why are you still with him?

RevoltingPeasant's post struck a chord with me... your DH also sounds like my DF, who my Mum stuck with until she was in her 50s.

Thanks for your messages.

I asked my sister what she thought and she said I should have rung the campsite for him if I was home (which I was) and he was out working (which he was). She says I have a thing about not wanting to help him. She thinks h and I don't get on and probably should separate, but was viewing the whole helping him out thing separately to this.

In fairness to h, I started losing my temper before he did when he asked if I could complain about the caravan....

I don't know if I am the type of person who would be passive and melancholic in any case, or if I am like that because h and I don't particularly get on . I plan to sort everything out so that I can get a better idea before making any rash decisions - eg. find work and sort the house out so everything is more organised - THEN decide whether things haven't improved between us and what to do about it... Somehow I never get to the part where I am more organised or have found work.

Feel like a total sop - but how to snap out of it??

Why would anyone ring a campsite to complain about a caravan they hadn't even seen when the person who is upset is actually there? It's ridiculous.

And that's before you add on the fact he was a real knobhead about it.

If you feel "nervous and justifying" when there is conflict, there is a big problem in the relationship. Nobody should make you feel like that - however some people do, regardless of who is talking to them. Perhaps you are one of those people who feels they are being put on the spot all the time?

Either you are making his requests and demands a bigger thing than they are, (as your sister is suggeting) or he has made you feel as though when you disagree with him you will cause his temper to flare up. You said he gets shouty tells you off, and that he is moody and sarcastic. This is nasty stuff and not something anyone would put up with. However he probably keeps it just on the cusp so that it never turns into a make or break moment, leaving you - as you said yourself - indecisive.

Indecision is also a sign of depression so you need to give yourself a break. When we are attacked we sometimes defend ourselves by staying very still and lying low. Perhaps this is what you are doing.

I would suggest that your sister suggesting that you should've done as he asked points to your childhood being one where this sort of behaviour was normal for you to witness.

And if it wasn't, the fact is that even if she feels that way, your feelings about how you are treated by him are still just as valid. She is not married to him, she cannot possibly understand the drip-drip-drip effect of constantly being treated like crap by him.

You talk of being indecisive, not having enough confidence to work, etc. - it's pretty obvious that being with a man who treats you like this is the problem, not you. Anyone treated with such contempt, like they are an unpaid lackey who is in the wrong for not liking being such, would start to have shit self esteem and doubt their every thought and feeling. Even if you were indecisive with poor confidence before you met him, it would make sense that you would be vulnerable to falling prey to a more confident man who would boss you about and treat you like crap. It is so common for people being treated like dirt to feel the way you do. You talk of getting a job, etc., and then leaving, but you'll struggle to change anything about your life when you're receiving the constant message that you're worthless.

Why put up with this crap? Getting you to ring somewhere that he is right next to is just pure controlling abuse. He probably doesn't even have any problems, he's just getting a kick out of being able to put you down and have you running around for him from a distance. He gets his 'fix' from being nasty to you, and he still needs his 'fix' when he is away from you. Most abusers like to control what their partners do when they are not together, as they see them as objects that should be under their control at all times, and take them having any autonomy as an offence- yours has found a way to present this abuse as something legitimate, ie getting you to help him out.

Great posts polly and Oxford

I do stuff for my dh when he asks me to and when it makes sense to for eg I'm passing the post office I'll send his parcel and similar.

The whole caravan thing is ludicrous. How could you possibly ring from miles away about a caravan you've never seen?!

Also, he asks nicely and says thanks. If he spoke to me like shit I'd do nothing for him.

These two things are really nasty and I think they would be a deal breaker for me i'm afraid.

He mimicked the way I said "on my behalf" in a really horrible way.... Acted all scathing and scornful

now feel even worse than this morning, thinking he is going to be in a foul mood when he comes home either tomorrow or the day after and I will be subjected first to a shouty telling off and then to a load of silence.

What Oxford said. .

Setting aside your difficult relationship - his asking you to phone the campsite is illogical. You are not there. You have not seen the caravan. Were you to make the phonecall, the person on the other end would surely ask questions - simple questions, like what caravan is it, when did the toilet block, was it on the first use etc - that you would not know the answers to, because you are not the person experiencing it. Oh, I get it now - this would make you feel stupid, because you would have to say 'I don't know' to almost any question you could be asked! He wants you to feel stupid! He wants to make sure you never ever regain your confidence, because then you might challenge him!

He is horrible.

There is no way on earth I would have made the caravan phone call. A parcel, at home, yes.

As soon as the sarcasm started he would have been told to do one, and the phone put down. I also wouldn't have lied when asked if it had been done, you should have told him to shove it and that you don't do favours for people who speak to you like shit.

Is he the kind of person who thinks such "trivialities" are beneath him ? Tell the arrogant pig to sling his hook for good, he will have to lower himself to deal with the "small" things then, won't he ? In fact, offer the substandard silver caravan as a more permanent prospect

IMO I don't see anything wrong with ringing around for him and helping him out whilst he's at work... But only if he was considerate, kind and asked nicely. Manners cost nothing.

If my dh spoke to me that way I'd tell him to ring himself and hang up. If he rang back and was rude again I'd tell him I wasn't helping him out until he learnt some manners and was curtious towards me.

Thanks all. I am glad everyone agrees about the caravan. That is what I was trying to explain to h when I said I would have to say that I was phoning "on his behalf"....

No we aren't sleeping together. We were, roughly every 6 weeks (and we don't generally sleep in the same bed, sometimes I will try to re-institute that but then some argument happens and I decide it is better to withdraw and protect myself that way - basically we have zero capacity to resolve an argument - zero, this I blame more on him than on me as he is very defensive and prone to being verbally aggressive), but not anymore.

Can you call him tomorrow morning to tell him you're running late for the school run? Ask him to ring them and advise that you will be approximately 2 and a half minutes late.

See how he responds to a ridiculous request from you.

He sounds like an arse. His response will probably demonstrate this.

Thanks also for your other reassuring words. It's difficult to judge one's own feelings without outside confirmation...

Hi Feel I support my DH in his stressful job and do many little errands that under my breath I think ffs manage your time better or hire your own PA because I work for someone else.

The reason I do them is because I'm better than him I lve him and he does lots of things for me to show he appreciates my help.

If he spoke time like a piece of shit or dared shout at me, even when really stressed I would stop helping him and telling him why.

You sound unhappy and unloved feel can you get some time away at all?