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Original poster

Anyone else gone totally off sex - how did your partner deal with it?

26 replies

BedWithBook · 09/05/2006 15:06

I havent had sex with DH for about 4 months. I havent wanted to, Im not sure why but the idea of it makes me shudder and although I have tried to force myself to do it I just cant.

Dh was very understanding at first, but he has started to get more frustrated. He started getting a bit pushy about it and we ended up arguing alot over it and it resulted in him going completely the other way and showing no intrest in me at all.

I can understand his frustration and I know that he will be feeling rejected and unwanted. We have talked about my lack of sex drive and he has said he understands but I really dont think he understands how off sex I am.

I could try the whole candles and quiet night in thing but i dont want too. I really cant stomach the thought of it.

I realise that this will sound selfish but it is my honest thoughts. Im at a loss to what to do - can a marriage survive without sex?

We are friends and I love him but I am not inlove with him. I dont think I ever was but he was my first boyfriend and i mistook feelings of security and affection for love. I am not attracted to him in a sexual way. He may aswel be my brother. But its got to the point where I have pretended for so long that I am now resentful of him and dont even want so much as a hug.

I dont want to leave him - he is a great dad and we get along well. But I cant have sex with him anymore, it feels wrong and false.

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 09/05/2006 15:09

how old are the children? is common to go off sex after having baby

expatinscotland · 09/05/2006 15:10

Are you using any hormonal contraception or other meds?

The mini-pill utterly killed my libido.

Original poster
BedWithBook · 09/05/2006 15:11

My youngest is 2.5 so I havent even got that excuse to use. Its like something inside me has just decided that enoughs enough and I cant carry on having sex when I really dont want to. Poor dh Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
BedWithBook · 09/05/2006 15:11

Actually i started taking the pill a few months ago

OP posts:
satine · 09/05/2006 15:14

I know how you feel - my sex drive has never recovered since having kids. I even had a blood test to check testosterone levels but all my hormone levels were fine. I do have sex with dh because I love him (and, tbh, for an easier life!) and I do enjoy it once we get going, mostly, but the thought of it just makes my heart sink. I'm hoping that my libido will come back - I feel far less 'alive' without it.

MamaMaiasaura · 09/05/2006 15:16

Would the pill affect it? Sattine does testorene levels effect libido? (that would explain alot for me)

expatinscotland · 09/05/2006 15:19

YES, some hormonal contraceptives can definitely affect your sex drive. Some medications, too.

Original poster
BedWithBook · 09/05/2006 15:22

Ive been on both the pill and anti-bs for the last for months. At least if its that I can give him an excuse he will understand.

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 09/05/2006 15:25

I am aware of some psychiatric meds affecting libido but i dont take pill and dont given pill to patients so no idea :) What pill are you taking? do a search on it.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2006 15:27

Cezarette quashed my libido entirely, gave me horrid mood swings, broke out in huge, painful postules of cycstic acne on my chest and shoulders and had 3 full-on periods in one month.

It was so bad, I'd rather be pregnant, and that's saying A LOT.

satine · 09/05/2006 16:52

Apparently a lack of testosterone can explain non-existent sex drive. My doc said that you can now get testosterone patches if your levels are too low. They apparently have helped women in the States with this problem. My dh was very upset that I didn't qualify for them!!

foxinsocks · 09/05/2006 16:58

I'm with expat (beginning to think we were separated at birth).

The pill (and all other hormonal contraception) absolutely and totally KILLED my sex drive.

Esmummy · 09/05/2006 17:01

Defo agree with expat. Whilst on the pill my labido vanished, DP even used to joke and call out "labido, where are you, come out come out wherever you are".
Defo talk to GP about it.

Northerner · 09/05/2006 17:04

Yep, the pill killed mine too. Stopped taking it in December last year and things have greatly improved let me tell you Wink

HappyDaddy · 10/05/2006 13:00

I felt really sorry for my dw. No sex all through pregnancy and apart from once or twice, pretty much none for about 5 months after that.

Mysteriously, my forearms got really big and muscly though...Grin

ggglimpopo · 10/05/2006 13:50

Sorry, but "labido" is a great two-birds-with-one- stone word...Grin

lunarx · 11/05/2006 11:35

i've gone off sex in the last year really - dh isnt not understanding, thinks i am making excuses when i say i am tired - makes me feel there is something wrong with me - threatens to masturbate if i dont want to have sex with him (*i wouldnt care if he did, but he thinks its something to hold over me) - overall i am usually pressured into having sex.

i dont think a marriage can survive without sex, really, unless both partners are very understanding and sensitive to the other person (in cases where one partner cannot have sex or something)

expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 11:37

I have two very good friends in sexless marriages whose relationships are very strong. BUT, the lack of sex drive is on both sides, not just the man or the woman.

fuzzlepelts · 11/05/2006 11:40

Def with expatinscotland and foxinsocks - mini pill has DESTROYED my libido. It's been over a year and countless relate sessions and still nothing - HELP!

lunarx · 11/05/2006 11:42

yeah i can see if the lack of sex drive is mutual then it may work...

expatinscotland · 11/05/2006 11:48

it deffo HAS to be mutual, lunar. in both cases, the partners were great, close friends before they married. i think this had something to do w/it, too. they still have a great relationship, it just doesn't involve sex.

w/one friend, she started taking Depo, and her weight shot up abuot a hundred pounds. this put HER off sex. she had a gastric banding procedure and lost all the weight. but he also has low sex drive. so they're both happy.

w/the other, the love of her life died in a car accident. her now husband knew him and she and he have been friends and cycling/hiking partners for a decade. neither had ever been married, they're in their 40s and felt the need for the companionship of marriage, so they married. they've never consummated it, though.

SSSandy · 12/05/2006 09:46

Hi Bedwithbook

In the heady days at the beginning when you were having sex often, did you enjoy it? Did you ever catch yourself lusting after him or sex? I am wondering if the interest in sex will revive with actually doing it? Maybe not straight away but my impression was always that the more active I was sexually, the more interest I had in sex.

4 months isn't such a long time, it could be a phase that may pass but in the meantime your marriage may well break down. I feel for you, it's a difficult one. I do know how you feel too. I was in a relationship to a man who suddenly stopped wanting sex (suicide of his mother). We lived like brother and sister for two years and then he did want to have sex again. But I no longer could. I just absolutely could not imagine it. It would have been like having sex with my brother. We didn't have children though.

How are you going to feel if dh has an affair or lives out his sexuality in some other way (prostitutes or whatever)? Could you cope with that? Unfortunately his libido is not as low as yours is right now so I fear he will be looking elsewhere. You say you don't want to leave him, so you do want the marriage to work but how is this going to work if he wants sex and doesn't get it within your marriage?

maltesers · 12/05/2006 22:24

Its the opposite way round here with my dp who rarely wants sex. It is somewaht true what SSSandy says but every individual is different. Have to admit have wandered in the past because of this lack of closeness and intimacy.
Hoping though you will find a way and things can be sorted out. good luck...

festiveface · 12/05/2006 22:31

i have had no libido for 10 years Shock

would it be ry likely then that dh has wandered...god i hope not Sad

EmmyLou · 12/05/2006 23:39

Had problems with my low libido when dd2 was about 2yrs old and eventually got help from Relate. It took time and we ended up with psychosexual therapy which worked and also gave us the know how to hopefully fix any similar future problems. But IMO a marriage without sex isn't a marriage at all its a friendship. Sex is what makes the difference and isn't it how a lot of men (who tend not to talk about feelings as much as women) show us that they love us? I'm sure I read somewhere that the being in love stage usually fades after 2 years - surely most relationships for most of us evolve into the comfy slipper type? I find it hard work getting in the mood but it can be done with all sorts of different kinds of assistance!Wink

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