AIBU to not want to go to Vegas for a friend’s birthday?

[Shoesme]

Hello, probably a trivial AIBU and I don?t believe I am. I?m a dad of a nearly 2 year old, me and his mum aren?t together anymore but everything is fine on that front. My best friend is planning on going to Vegas next year for his 30th birthday for a week. I was asked and flat out said no as I need to look after my son who I have Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings then every other weekend.

I have been told that I need to be more selfish by another friend who is also a dad and shouldn?t put my life on hold and other cries of its only for a week. I?m not trying to be a martyr or anything but am I putting my life on hold? I look forward to seeing my son and don?t feel I?m missing out on anything and shouldn?t having a child mean you have to give up aspects of your previous child free life? There?s not many people from my friends who think I shouldn?t go, which has thrown me.

Opinions please?

Can you afford to go? Do you WANT to go? Would your son's mother be comfortable with you making other childcare arrangements?

Personally, going to Vegas would be my worst nightmare, but each to their own...

On the one hand, you see plenty of your son and being away from him for a week won't have an effect on your relationship so if you want to do it then for goodness' sake don't feel guilty. I'm sure as he gets older there will be things that come up that mean one or other of you will have more/less time with him than originally agreed, just as parents who are still together will have other invitations/obligations that mean once in a while the other person has to take the reins for longer than they otherwise would. On the other hand, if you really don't want to be apart from him, then that is the right choice for you. Spending time with your children isn't 'putting your life on hold'; it's just having a different life to the one you had pre-children because your priorities change. It's still a life though!

I could afford to go as it?s planned for next year and it would be good to go on a ?lads? holiday but I wouldn?t be bothered if I didn?t because I?ve got other responsibilities, there?s lots of things I?d like to do but can?t now but I feel that it just comes with the territory of being a parent. I think my sons mother would be okay about it all. I think my problem is I?ve been made to feel as if I?m doing something wrong by ?putting my life on hold?. I just don?t see it that like that, I love having my son and am happy with the advantages/disadvantages being a parent brings.

I thought i put this in AIBU but it's in Relationships. Whoops. Sorry.

You sound very committed to your son and there is nothing at all wrong with that.
If you don't want to go then don't go. They will all get over it!
If however, you do quite fancy it and you can afford it and the mother doesn't mind, then there's no reason why you shouldn't go.
We all need some 'me' time!
Do what feels right for you though!

Being a parent does mean making sacrifices along the way and giving up many things from ones previous child free life.
That doesn't mean you have to give up everything fun and child free though.
If you can afford to go and think you'll enjoy it and can work out the change of plan with his mum, then go for it.
If you don't actually want to go then that's a different matter, but don't think that you can't go because you're a dad now.
Your son is only 2, there will be loads of times in the future when you will have to make sacrifices and have little choice in the matter. I really wouldn't go looking for opportunities to limit your fun experiences if you don't have to. You don't have to give up everything you like to be a good dad you know.

If you really want to go, and you give your ex fair warning so she can organise her diary around it, and you make up the time with your son, or return by having him when she wants a holiday on her own, and you can afford to go without dipping in to the money you use to support your son, then I see no reason why you should not go.

However, you don't sound as though you really want to go. And that's the most important thing. Don't be pressured by your friends if it doesn't feel right.

sorry that should say 'return the favour'

You'd rather stay home and look after your little boy than go on a bender to Sin City for a week, and your friends are saying you're putting your life 'on hold' if you don't go? Change your friends!

Your son's formative years won't come round again, but Vegas ain't moving anywhere - maybe you'll take him to see the wonders of the casinos desert in 20 years' time.

That said, many dps have no choice but to go away from their dc for a lot longer than a week and your ds is unlikely to be adversely affected by such a short separation from you, especially if you Skype/phone him daily.

You said no at the start and you friends should have respected your decision to chose what was right for you.

There is nothing wrong with putting your child before you, especially in these early years. Me and my DH have chosen not to have holidays without DD. She is 10y and have no intention of it tbh. We have odd days.nights away and that is sufficient for us. Though she is currently away for 4 nights, but again that is fine too.

However, equally it is possible to have a week's holiday child free too, if it is manageable and what you wish to do. So long as you put everything in place to ensure that your little one is being well looked after whilst you are way, it can work out fine. Just the same as if you and your partner were together and chose to holiday without your child. You would need to speak to your ex partner about the proposed time away, and have a solution for alternative childcare if she is unable to have him the whole week.

You sound like a responsible father who is putting his child's needs first. That is nothing to feel bad about at all.

LunaticFringe, yeah i'd say i've been made to feel stupid by not wanting to go because of my son.

I just feel a week is too long and if it was for a weekend then i'd be fine with that. I do get plenty of free time, when it's not my weekend etc so i think i do have a good balance of having fun with friends or what have you. For me a week intrudes too much.

It's just weird being made to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Vegas is fine for a night, unless you want to gamble or get drunk. If you have more interesting hobbies than that, don't bother!

peer pressure is for fools. You sound anything but. Time for some more interesting friends?

You haven't put your life on hold, you've just changed it. And that's fine, especially as you sound happy with the changes you've made.

Your friends sound a bit mean. And what they are saying would be a lot less likely to be said of a woman, I think. But just because once upon a time fathers were generally pretty detached from their children (particularly after divorce/separation) does not mean that is how you have to parent.

Shoesme, sounds as if your friends are making the assumption that your ex is not "letting" you go, rather than you are choosing not to go because you have better things to do. If you care (though why should you?) you could explain that this is not the case, but you don't have to.

How old are you / your friends? When I was in my 20s I was a hive-mind group of friends who all went to the same events and every Friday night you said "bye, see you at x tomorrow" knowing that everyone would be at x, and so on. It was seen as a slight for someone not to turn up to one of the events on the roster. I remember having arguments justifying being out of town for my grandfather's 90th birthday! Are your friends in that mind set?

Yeah i think my close friends don't understand and only one other has a child. I love my friends and have known them all my life, our mothers where friends, we're all the same age.

EldritchCleavage, yeah that's how i feel, my life isn't on hold, it's just changed. I'm 28, laddish still i guess but things change, Never thought i'd be a member of Mumsnet lol. I've got a young son now so can't just do what I want when I want without any impact. I still have plenty of free time and I'm happy with that. I look forward to having my son and don't feel I'm missing out on anything.

shoesme, your attitude is brilliant, you sound like a really happy relaxed dad and I am so glad you are enjoying life with your child. keep it up and I hope your enjoyment of life rubs off on him.

Curryeater, I do think my best friend, whose birthday it will be feels like it will be a slight if i'm not there so yeah i should explain that although it would have been good to go it's not something I can commit too these days and it's entirely my decision.

I'm not worlds best dad or anything, for the first 6 months I didn't have a clue what I was doing and just did whatever my sons mum asked me to do lol but I always knew that things would change and i'd change with them.

It just feels strange to be made to feel like I'm doing something wrong. My social life etc revolves around him, that's normal right? I don't get a chance to talk about these things with other parents much ha.

I'm not worlds best dad or anything, for the first 6 months I didn't have a clue what I was doing and just did whatever my sons mum asked me to do lol but I always knew that things would change and i'd change with them. That's not a bad parent that a new parent.

I think you are now a parent and have grown/matured quicker then your friends. Don't feel guilty about no wanting to go away for week.

Well why can't you go for the weekend then?
You can meet up with them, have a weekend and then come back???
Is this not an option???

HellsBells, that's a good option and one I didn't think of so is something to look into.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far and will check in when I can as I'm off my dinner hour now. Thank you so much.

Just want to say that you sound really lovely and your son is a very lucky boy to have such a caring Dad. People talk about going to Vegas like they are popping down the shops, whereas it's a long haul trip that costs a fortune and you need to factor in jet lag etc. A week there is a long time if you are not really into it. Good luck.

I just wish more fathers were as committed to their children as you are. If you don't want to go, then that's your business.

Dont go to vegas just for a weekend.. it wont even give you time to get over the jet lag.

I am going to go against the majority here and say you are being a bit of a martyr. It is not like your friends are suggesting you go on a year long backpacking trip.

Yes, you have a child, but you also only have one life of your own. You have a year to plan this trip IF you want to go.

As you are not with the mother of your child, what will happen if she wants to take your child on holiday, and go away for a fortnight?