OP, your original post could have been written by me. I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 7 and although we tick along, I am so unhappy. DC are 7 and 3 and although my DS, who is at school most days is unaware, my DD almost daily picks up on my feelings. Yesterday she spent most of the afternoon drying my tears telling me she loved me. Is that right?
My DH is a great dad, and we share parenting - he works days and I work evenings, but I do not actually get much support from him, either around the home or on parenting decisions. My problem is that I just do not love him as I should, my feelings based more on that as a brother, than a husband. My parents separated numerous times when i was growing up, my father being dedicated to his job, and thus resulted in my mother being the main parent. I have watched the resentment within their relationship, and as I look as my own relationship with DH, I can see my the same results.
I talk to my mother and she says I should be happy with him, and be content with the fact that he is a good father, and I will never get better. That I should be content with a companion. That may be true, but it is not that I want better, or even a relationship, but my mother is 65, I understand her need for companionship, I am 38, I feel I deserve the right to be happy with my own life, and not feel just like a servant that everyone is relying upon?
I have been having some very dark days, I tried talking to DH at weekend about it, I said I felt we have just been drifting apart over the last few years, his reaction was "Well, just don't drift too far". Since then I have found out he has been asking my friends if I am having an affair - which I am not.
At work I am confident and outgoing. At home I am subdued and just put up with whatever is thrown my way. I feel like I am two different people, and I am scared of the future.
We are due to go on holiday this weekend for 10 days, I cannot bear the thought of spending time with DH, I just don't want to be there, but need to make it special for the DC.
I am not looking for justification of how I feel, or what I want. I want to try some counselling, on my own, to see if I can find out why I feel this way. I am scared of what I will be told. My DH has said if we ever split up, he will take the children away, is this possible?? This makes me feel more trapped than I do already.
Sorry to hijack, writing this down has helped, and I would welcome thoughts, am I just being selfish and I should stay, but I am worried the affect on my children, and scared I will just end up hating my DH, but with his conversations with my friends, how do I finish it without him thinking there is someone else?
Thank you for listening