Relationship in slow decline: what steps to take?

[AmmiMajus]

I realise over the past month or so that my relationship with dh is probably declining to the extent that I don't - at the moment - particularly want to stay with him forever. We have an 11 yr old and a 9 yr old, and I haven't any desire to break up the family for them - dh and I get on all right - but obviously once they've left home there will be nothing to stop me having a less frustrating daily life and I look forward to that.

I cannot be the only one in this position. (I have real life friends who are similarly placed but I just can't ask them, it's like admitting defeat.) Has anyone got any wise words about how I can prepare for this? I'm starting with opening my own bank account but I'm sure there are more practical and emotional things to prepare for.

I am with Ammi on this, if the relationship is not abusive and the kids are happy & flourishing why break it all up now? Obviously she feels that staying the course for now is worth while the effort.

Mondrian I just worry that for all Ammi says she isn't intereseted in a new fresh relationship, if one of a couple starts to detach emotionally, there is a danger a 3rd person might arrive on the scene and complicate matters.

but the question has to be - how confident are you that any child could 'flourish' in this environment? its not honest, its not healthy and the op is clearly not happy.

I do understand Spero, I'll give what you say some thought.
Actually I hate the idea (as Donkey says) of being several steps ahead of him, he doesn't deserve to feel like I've been plotting. I just need a bit of control and something to focus on.

it is worth a lot of thought, i completely agree. its a massive thing to split a family, it is hard on your own.

my ex offered me a 'co parenting' set up whereby i woukd effectively be his cook and cleaner but he woukd still graciously live in the house and occasionally take my daughter swimmimg.

i did think about it - for 5 minutes. then i left him. my daughter went through a bad year, as did I. of course she loves amd misses him but i thought the impact on her growing up with that as the lesson about how men treat women was too destructive.

she now seems a happy child, we are able to talk very honestly about her feelings. she still sees and loves her dad but is coming t terms with the reality of him.

what your parents did was self absorbed and selfish - you dont have to be that way.

but I do worry if you suddenly present him with a fait accompli after years of planning, he will be immensely shocked and feel very betrayed amd your split could be very messy.

i wish now i had gone to counseling with my ex and said - i am not happy, you are not happy. where do we go from here?

and thus organised an end to our relatiosnhip that was mature, considered and dignified. probably fat chance in real life, but at least i would know i tried.

One of the problems in this scenario is that children don't magically get to 16 and then not need their parents. It is not six year you are talking about, it's 9 years before your youngest is going to be leaving home to go to university/on their own path, minimum. Before that, there will never be a 'right time' because there will be the change to secondary, exam choices mocks, GCSEs, A levels, university choices and so on. There will be no great time to disrupt the family and get divorced, in fact, I would have said 9 and 11 was a better time to do it than say 13 and 15.

I would be devastated if I felt my husband was planning to leave me once the children left home, completely devastated. I would rather the person just told me if they quit the emotional part of the marriage up front, and I would choose to leave them (although your husband doesn't sound like this would necessarily be the case).

It also may be the case (although you might not feel like this now) that the wheel turns and you decide that you do in fact want to be with your husband. I have also seen the most unlikely couples, who really never got on in the child-rearing years, stick it out and quite enjoy their second half of their lives together.

For all these reasons, I would go to counselling and see how these different options sit with you, if only to have a space in which you can talk about your plans.

Well I didn't move out of my parents until I was 26.
Many kids stay around until after college and uni!!!
Are you prepared to just forget about YOU and your wants and needs for another 16 years!!???
Then what, can't end it as Christmas is coming, or a wedding or a christening!!!
Good luck with that.

The resentment will grow and grow until it is unbearable.

I wasn't planning on splitting up the day the youngest turns 16. I actually would like it if we found we were getting on well. I do like my partner, I just find him to be unhealthily (or perhaps deliberately?) stupid about certain things and I cannot live with him like that for the rest of my days. If he finally, finally got the message about behaving like a grown-up person in certain ways I would happily live with him. I'm exhausted by the fact that many years have passed and he cannot/will not do it.

I think to be honest after so many years of the same, it won't be a surprise that at some point I'm off to live alone with a few chickens in the garden for company.

"How do you stop the 'grass is greener' feelings? "

Which grass would that be? :) At the moment I am cantering about in what appears to be a very lush pasture and all the alternatives look decidedly withered by comparison....

Beautifully put, Cogito.

" If he finally, finally got the message about behaving like a grown-up person in certain ways I would happily live with him. "

OK so you're pinning your hopes on this person, who you have known for a considerably length of time, changing personality. What are you actively doing to increase the possibility of that happening?

Which grass is greener? The grass you water. Don't know who first said that, but I found it helpful.

No hopes are being pinned on him. I know him, I've accepted things about him. If he wants to sort himself out then he can work out the ways in which to achieve that. For now he's good enough at being a dad and mellow enough to live with. I'm not going to take responsibility for putting up with him for longer than I have to, though.
Really I have had years of his apathy and lack of emotion, I don't predict change.

Sorry to hear you feel this way.

I couldn't read & run.

Firstly, kids are not stupid. My mum & ex-step-dad separated when me and my brother were both around the age of ten. Thing is, I was quite a bright kid & knew something was up before my mum sat us down and told us...months before. She'd never said a word, they never argued, things seemed perfect tbh but there was a funny atmosphere, the odd funny look in his direction that I doubt she even knew she was doing.

(My brother had no idea as he was a little younger and has mild aspergers anyway).

Don't stay with him if you find yourself unsatisfied for a long period of time or it will show.

In the meantime I'd suggest you tell him how you feel...after all, it's not fair on him to have no idea you feel this unhappy (not trying to make you feel bad, just considering it from all angles).

So you're really just moaning about nothing.... ? Don't mean to be too harsh but, in a nutshell, it's not bad enough to leave & nothing's going to change so you're basically resigned to being low-level miserable for the foreseeable future?

It's lost afternoons listening to girlfriends whine on and on about DHs and DPs that they can't apparently stand but ulitmately do nothing about that convinces me singledom was definitely the right choice.

Well it's good to be able to vent on here, putting it down in black and white and getting input from others...

(the best way I can describe it from a kid's p.o.v is like it went too 'ok'. She just stopped bothering to argue. Not in an obviously shitty way. It just seemed like she'd checked out of their relationship emotionally, yet we all still lived together, they still had the odd cuddle & peck on the cheek in front of us etc. It confused me at that age because it was like the warmth & enthusiasm had just dissapeared from their relationship, which seeped into the family dynamics a little too. It's hard to explain but I do remember being relieved when she told us because it just felt a bit weird...especially as nothing was said about it for ages but it was like an elephant in the room)

And while it may seem that you're moaning about nothing, the fact you've written this here, looking for feedback, suggests that a part of you is unsure of what you're doing or what you're going to do...

Yes I'm very unsure and rather confused. So yes it is good to get 'nothing' down in words and have some feedback.

I crave singledom, actually. I just accept that I can't have it - yet.

Can't?..... There is nothing you cannot do. I know you have this idea that divorce is somehow 'selfish' but there are no prizes for martyrdom... not from kids anyway.

Well I don't mean to ruffle your feathers but personally I don't think it's very healthy to stay in a relationship that you don't see a future for. It isn't fair on the other partner (no matter what he's done/how good he is with the kids etc) & it isn't fair on you or your kids in the long run.

Separation of parents at any age isn't nice for those involved but why prolong it, when you're not happy? If you feel that you can't work on the issues together then it's best not to flog a dead horse really, isn't it?

Have you talked to him about maybe doing a few sessions with Relate? Or do you feel it's beyond that?

I do no t have an idea that divorce is selfish, I think in my case it is unnecessary right now. That's very different.
I think the use of 'martyrdom' is clichéd - I'm just not jumping into a situation where I don't think I/we will actually be any happier! I'm not keeping myself unhappy for the sake of others: I do not think I can give the children a good life if we split up. I am listening to what people say about the children noticing and whether or not that's better or worse than divorce. It's certainly food for thought.

It's the start of a process. It took me YEARS of moaning and tears to get out. I just hope to short circuit the process a bit for others.

I do like my partner, I just find him to be unhealthily (or perhaps deliberately?) stupid about certain things and I cannot live with him like that for the rest of my days. If he finally, finally got the message about behaving like a grown-up person in certain ways I would happily live with him. I'm exhausted by the fact that many years have passed and he cannot/will not do it.

certain ways, certain things.. If you are really bugged by these things may I ask, do you find more and more things are annoying you? Do you work hard at not showing - contempt may be too stromg a word, frustration? The older children get the more they pick up on when one parent loses respect for another.

strong, sorry for typo.

I wouldn't let these feelings fester too long or it'll turn into bitterness & resentment by the time your kids are older and that's no better than seperation really.

Also, my mum was pretty broke for a long time after the seperation but built her way back up slowly, got a degree etc. It didn't bother me or my brother to be honest as we were all happy, had clothes that fit, got the occasional treat here and there still...and I was actually glad my mum was happier & there was no more 'atmosphere'.

If it's material things you're worried about (that aren't essentials) then don't let that cloud the decision too much.