My husband that he is too embarassed to go out outside the house with our daughter

[gloucestergirl]

Basically that. I'd love lovely family days out, but our DD cries sometimes. She is only 1 and gets hungry and generally acts likes a baby. Husband gets embarassed by her crying and hates going out in public with her. He won't do baby things like going to the library or the local baby musuem as it is too boring. I am so disappointed in him as a father and feel so sad.

To get back to the OP....

That's so sad. Does he know any other dads? Would he be prepared to go out for an afternoon with another dad?

Impossible to know if he is depressed, very unused to doing hands on childcare (so feels incompetent/judged/ when he does any), if he has unrealistic expectations of children, or is being very selfish about how he spends his leisure time....

whatever - basically, he doesn't want to be a dad in public, does he? If he can't go out with a one year old, he's not going to manage a toddler. Or pre-schooler. What kind of expectations does he have of children and their behaviour?

I do feel angry at him, but that's not fair as I don't know what his problem is. I have known other dads who seem to feel that children are too much effort, or cramp their style somehow, so only do the fairweather bits, and hand their kids back to mum when it gets a bit tough. It is utterly horrible. Not necessarily the OP's husband's problem though....

DH hates drawing attention to himself in public, he hates asking directions or questions in shops. He's not mad on phoning people either. He's a bit odd about being in control of the situation. He'll spend hours on google earth making sure he knows where he's going or search a shop aisle by aisle rather than find an assistant.

Weirdly he's quite the opposite at work, where he knows he's very good at what he does or with friends when he never stops talking, telling stories and organising things.

But give him the, admittedly unfriendly school gate parents or the general public and he's suddenly very awkward.

He isn't great at small people in public he finds them very stressful. Of course he is blessed with the most in your face and least inconspicuous DD1 you could imagine and I'm not much better. We are totally heartless and just ignore him.

DD2 is a lot more aware of social niceties, she's more like her dad in that she worries about what people think, but in a much more consistent way.

DH would admit he's slightly odd in the way he reacts to the world since he isn't shy and is quite happy being a odd ball geek. His awkwardness in some situations is strange.

DD2 is a 100% normal human who cares what her peer group think and wants to fit in. DD1 and I ignore her too.

Dear OP DD1 and I are not kind, we should be a bit gentler and more understanding of DH and DD2 and I hope you will encourage your DH into the world of taking small people out tactfully, but firmly.

I suspect he has the makings of a perfectly good father and some posters here are down right rude. Different social situations make different people twitch, I pretty in your face, but some formal situations throw me and I can't role play at all.

I wouldn't be to harsh on your DH. I have been throught a stage when I was embarrassed when DS cried. I never thought it could be a problem for anyone cause as far as I know all babies cry.. DS cries all the time and a few times I got asked why he is still crying or if he is maybe unwell and maybe I should try blah blah blah (endless list of soothing techniques). I did not want to leave the house for a couple of weeks cause I felt useless and helpless as a parent.

CO, why don't you just drop it now. It's starting to look really personal.

Already dropped. Point made.

I haven't read the whole thread but I think some people are being a bit hard on the OPs DH.

I have a 10 month old. I love her more than life itself but if she cried in public I hate it. I mean really want to get out of sight of everyone where no one can see or hear her. I know babies cry and sometimes do it for no bloody read

Sorry...said baby grabbed phone and hit buttons!

Cry for no reason at all and I feel like I'm being looked at and judged as a bad mother. I get so embarrassed, go bright red, was nearly in tears once begging my sister to leave the (very family) cafe we were in.

I no doubt there's some clever person that will put it down to something psychological, but surely if a mother can feel like that, so can a father. It doesn't mean you love or want your child any less.

I agree with you squishy if it had been the OP who felt embarassed or bored there would be all sorts of reasons that probably wouldnt involve been useless or lazy. I have felt embarrassed-i was worried about becoming a mum and really want to be a good one but a part of me thought id be useless. I sometimes felt people were looking at me and judging me and that just compounded the feeling that actually i was pretty useless at it after all. (my own mum wasnt the best and was highly critical if me when i was younger). I think you need to sit down and talk to him to see what this is really about. I think some of the posts have been less than helpful.

I always found it easier if I was getting a bit self-conscious about very young dd's crying in a public place, e.g. coffee shop to say things to her in a soothing voice like 'ssshhhh! nobody wants to hear that crying, they're trying to have a coffee in peace. We'll have to go if the crying carries on because it's disturbing other people's drinks.' Just for the benefit of other people around so they were aware that I knew my baby crying was probably quite an annoying sound to them and I didn't plan on inflicting it on them without a care. She was a bit younger only a few weeks, I might word it differently now at 20 months when she understands what Im saying, but strategies like this might make your dh feel a bit less embarrassed?

If he's too 'embarrassed' to take her out in public, does he make up for it by having skills and strengths doing other things with her? What's he like with feeding, changing etc?

Does he have a good bond with her and give her (and also you!) good time and care?

I had this problem with my EXH. He refused to take our DS out in the buggy or in his car unless under duress. Sadly I think it was because he thought DS cramped his style. Although at 40 it wasn't like he had rushed into fatherhood so I had anticipated him being mature enough to deal with it. To give you hope op, over time he did improve but he remains very self conscious about being seen out with a child. In fact he recently took DS on the bus for the first time....at aged 4! Perhaps it's apparent why he's my ex.