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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh has just told me he is not happy and not sure if he wants to leave

26 replies

2anddone · 25/03/2013 13:16

Hi dh and I have been married 7 years and have had our ups and downs. I have caught him out cheating twice and even though I have taken him back I have kept up my barriers in case it happens again.
recently we have been getting on ok we never argue, though rarely talk about anything other than the dc. Today dh told me he doesn't know if he is happy anymore and if he wants to stay. As he feels I have my own life with the children and he wouldn't be missed if he wasn't here. I honestly don't know what to do, he has now gone to work but has taken his wedding ring off. I do love him but we have been together 20 years so surely we maybe won't have as much in common as we used to? I am really scared we are going to fuck our dc up if we separate. Please give me some advice

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 13:18

Cherchez la femme

Wedding ring off, 'not sure how I feel', caught cheating twice before ..... Sorry. Pack a bag while he's out at work and please don't let him back again this time. Your DCs will be far more fucked up watching the pair of you cycle through this miserable pantomime over and over again than if you get shot and let him shag around on his own time...

clam · 25/03/2013 13:20

Yes, I'm very sorry but I agree. There's highly likely to be another woman on the scene. Hmm

Original poster
2anddone · 25/03/2013 13:21

But I am scared to be alone I don't work so have no income, so am worried about the house also I do actually love him and grew up in a single parent family and don't want the same for my dc

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 25/03/2013 13:22

Yes, the wedding ring off is the clue for me. Highly suspicious.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 13:26

He has form for cheating, the "not sure how I feel" thing and the ring - all big red flags Sad

Please, do not take him back again as this will mess up your DCs.

Get some legal advice from a solicitor. You will be fine - he will have to support you and DCs.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 13:27

This link may be useful:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

VanitasVanitatum · 25/03/2013 13:29

Poor you, I'm so sorry :( tell him to leave don't ask him to stay, however weak you feel, you will feel worse if he stays for the wrong reasons. If you want him around, even though he sounds awful tbh, you need to kick him out now to make him realise what he is giving up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 13:33

It's understandable that you're scared of the future but this is no way to live. What's the point in loving someone that not only doesn't reciprocate but screws around into the bargain? Why waste your love on someone as disrespectful and selfish that?

Please get RL support from friends and family. There are legal rules regarding maintenance, housing and parenting for married couples that split up, there is financial help available from the state and life as a single parent can be very rewarding.... certainly more stable than living with someone who shows you no respect.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/03/2013 14:13

He's seeing how much crap you will actually put up with. You're supposed to beg him to stay and scurry round doing everything you can think of to please him, while he looks wistfully into the distance and may condescend to eat what you cook or pat you on the head from time to time. What he wants is domestic servicing while he shags around as much as he likes, and he thinks you are sufficiently desperate not to be single that you will provide this.

Is this really how you want to live?

onenutshortofasnickers · 25/03/2013 14:25

He has cheated not once, but twice. You let him back and they are only what you know of.

Based on his rather incriminating history pack his bags already and chuck him out.

I feel sorry for your children watching all this play over and over and the continuous mental and emotional damage you and your husband are causing them by doing this.

Solid is right that will be your life and your children will end up resenting you and have a warped view on relationships and your 'husband' will continently cheat on you.

Your future will be better and less scary without him. You will be happy and so will your children.

Charbon · 25/03/2013 14:28

In reality, you'll fuck your children up more if you stay with their father and accept a life of constant infidelity and lack of independence. Fidelity from this man is clearly not an option. Leaving him is.

ZZZenAgain · 25/03/2013 14:30

how old are your children?

Original poster
2anddone · 25/03/2013 14:35

They are 4 and 7, they have never seen us argue as we don't argue. They have also no knowledge of what has happened in the past. My concern of messing them up is based on my df leaving when I was 4 and never seeing him again. Am scared it will happen to my dc

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 25/03/2013 14:41

sorry you are going through this. Could you book some family counselling and make it clear to your dh that you want to work on things and that you feel you both need to get to the bottom of things and do what you can about this?

Perhaps it will not be possible to save your marriage if he is just unwilling to act responsibly. I can understand how scared you are. I hope things are going to be alright. It may be that in the long term, you will be better off apart but perhaps right now it doesn't feel like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 14:51

"My concern of messing them up is based on my df leaving when I was 4 and never seeing him again. "

If your DH becomes an exH and then never sees them again will that be your fault or his?

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 14:53

He can still be a father and share child care/access. If you think he will scarper with OW, never to be seen again, there is very little you can do about this.

Charbon · 25/03/2013 14:53

Children are not just damaged by arguments. In fact, it is a healthy thing for children to see their parents disagreeing and resolving conflicts of opinion.

Children are of course damaged by unproductive, heated or abusive arguments but they are also damaged by tension, unhappiness in parents and by being given a bad role model of an adult romantic relationship.

If you separate and your husband does what your father did to you and cuts contact, that will be his responsibility and all you can do is to try to fill in the gap and find other loving supportive people to help shape and raise them. You will not be responsible for him being a bad father who doesn't see his children and trying to prevent that is a terrible reason to stay in a relationship that isn't working and will harm you and your children if you stay.

JustinBsMum · 25/03/2013 15:03

He can choose to be part of the family of you and the DCs or he can choose not to.
YOu could call his bluff and tell him you are looking for a job and that means he will have to do x, y and z for the DCs

Right now he is choosing not to join in with you and DCs but somehow making you feel you are to blame. So he is taking the mickey.

whateverhernameis · 25/03/2013 17:00

I'm sorry that you are going through this. My XH did the same "I don't feel the same any more, I don't want to be here any more" - he walked out with no prior warning. Later discovered lots of texts etc to OW.

As your H has previous form, it sadly sounds like he is at it again. If he is going to leave anyway, then you can do it on his terms, or you can do it on yours.

I begged my XH not to leave, told him how much I loved him, couldn't believe that he would leave DD, just turned 4yo at the time. None of it mattered as he had checked out as soon as he started falling for OW.

I didn't want my DD growing up without her dad around, but he chose to do that to her.

Go and see a solicitor, go and get advice on benefits etc. You may be surprised at what you can get. You will feel much more confident about the future if you know what you are entitled to and know your rights.

Please don't let the man mess you around.

Midwife99 · 25/03/2013 17:32

Read the midlife crisis script. That'll show you what he's going to do next no doubt!

ZZZenAgain · 25/03/2013 17:51

what I personally find worrying is his decision to take off his wedding ring. I know it is just a ring of metal in the end but why do this if another woman is not involved?

I hope you can find a way to get some legal advice. Actually that is very good advice whateverhernameis gave you. Best to be prepared for whatever comes in the interests of your dc too.

whateverhernameis · 25/03/2013 18:06

The Midlife Crisis script is being repeatedly bumped at the moment, as unfortunately there seem to be a lot of threads that need it :(

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 18:51

Must be Spring Fever Hmm

EggyFucker · 25/03/2013 19:01

Read again what sgb wrote

Send him on his way, permanently

Your kids are getting a fucked up example of what a respectful relationship should look like

Consult with a solicitor tomorrow and get the ball rolling

Xales · 25/03/2013 20:59

What everyone else says. He has cheated twice before. He's not happy and not sure if he wants to leave so one of the first things he does is whip his wedding ring off?

Sorry but he has left your marriage. He may want to stay in the house and have his domestic servant that's you look after him and his lovely children around until he has his new place to live set up but as soon as it is he is going to be gone before you blink. He has to wait for the next domestic servant and more interesting new sex partner to be ready for that as well though.

Please get yourself to an STI clinic. You know he has cheated twice, you know he can easily be doing it again.