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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So angry with my partner over his behaviour last night...what to do

46 replies

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 09:44

I am livid. DP went out last night with his friend 'for a couple of pints and to play pool'. No problem you would think. I went to bed early and woke at 2am to find he wasn't home. I just knew he'd have stayed out drinking as early in our relationship he on occasion would get bladdered and not come home and/or switch off his phone which caused no end of rows and we split several times over it. In the past couple of years he's grown up massively (I thought), he rarely goes out drinking and we have a great relationship for the most part. I phoned his mobile at 2am, it rang out once then after that went straight to voicemail, suggesting he switched off his phone after seeing my call.
He then comes in at 4am absolutely wrecked. Bearing in mind he was due to leave the house at 7am today for work which involves a lot of driving. When he finally got up at 9am I obviously said, what are you playing at, you have work, you can't drive having had that much drink in your system, and why the hell did you turn off your phone. His response to this was to call me a narky bitch. He's now gone to work having got a lift from his colleague who is his mate out of work as well. Luckily its unlikely his bosses will be aware he was late to his first job. Obviously this doesn't make it ok, I think he's a disgrace.
I am furious he's done this as I really thought he was growing up as he's been on such good behaviour for ages. I told him in no uncertain terms the last time he did something similar that I would not be putting up with it and kicked him out. After several weeks we got back together after him begging/pleading/making promises which he's kept to for the best part of a year, so I thought we had a future, he was putting things right. On a day to day basis he's a fantastic partner and dad, he's loving, hardworking, generous, makes a big effort with my family, funny, complimentary, we have similar interests, great sex life, overall I'm very in love with him but this is disgusting behaviour and to call me a narky bitch with our 2 year old in earshot is just unacceptable. I don't know what to do, he's spoiling everything....

OP posts:

quietlysuggests · 25/03/2013 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeckAndCall · 25/03/2013 09:49

Take a deep breath and concentrate on the last few lines of your post - mostly he's fantastic, you love him he's a great partner.

Don't assume this is the start of a slip back into old habits - just a blip on the way. Bad behaviour, yes, bad man? Not necessarily. Leave it until you see him later and talk to him to decide if you want to do anything at all. Why not take the view for the day that he's going to come in so sorry he'll do anything you want fro a month.....rather than assuming its the beginning of the end

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 09:51

I should add that I fully trust him where fidelity is concerned, I honestly don't think that he's ever cheated or would, has never given me reason to doubt that he's been faithful, he just is an idiot at times when drinking..in fact we very rarely argue and when any big rows we've ever had during the course of our relationship have been due to him going 'missing' on the ale. Admittedlly not often, but often enough to be a problem.

OP posts:

bonzo77 · 25/03/2013 09:54

I threw out my ex over exactly this behaviour. I'd put up with it for 7 years. We had no kids. I was a changed person after that. This is a drink problem. Drinking that affects his relationship and work. That's a problem. He will always do this from time to time. You cannot change him. He might not want / be able to change himself. You have to decide if the good bits are worth it.

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 10:01

Thank you for responses I appreciate it. Quietly, I work with people with drink/drug problems and I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic, definitely not but his drinking can be (not always) problematic. For instance myself and him drink together occasionally at times when we go out, he doesn't overdo it, is fun to go out with, gets on with things the next day, takes our little one out, etc. He is successful in his work and this is I think the first time ever that drinking has affected his ability to go to work/ go to work late. He is also very athletic and often won't touch a drop, even a glass of wine with me at dinner, because he is dedicated to his training and wanting to be super-healthy. I guess he can be an all or nothing kind of guy. And when with 'the lads' (one in particular) that can seem to go right out of the window and become a mammoth drinking session.
Beck and call thank you for your helpful and balanced post. I just wish he wouldn't switch his phone off, not that I want to hound him while he's out, far from it, but its disrespecful. And name calling in front of our little one I'm disgusted by.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/03/2013 10:06

How old is he?

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 10:08

He's 29 cogito

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2013 10:10

Interesting as well how you latched onto the one and only post who tried to put a gloss on things.

It looks bad because it is. Where are the consequences now for his actions; what are you going to do now?. The ball is actually very much in your court.

You have a choice re him, your child does not. This child has already heard her dad call her mum a narky bitch within earshot. Is this the childhood you want her to have, "nice" times alternated with increasingly frequent intervals of his binge drinking?. You cop the consequences of that and by turn so does your child.

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 10:11

Bonzo what sort of a gap would there be between these 'episodes' in your ex? With DP during the first year he'd go on a 'bender' possibly 3 or 4 times that year, then less and less since so the gaps between now are at least 6-9 months. You're right about deciding if the good bits are worth it. They do massively outweigh the bad I must say.

OP posts:

BeckAndCall · 25/03/2013 10:11

I agree, the name calling is bad. But he may have been feeling so embarrassed himself he was hitting out verbally to hide that fact.

Without knowing all the facts here, I do find that the immediate reaction of a lot of responses is to assume the worst and to tell you to LTB but you just need some more time, and a talk with your DP, to see what are the facTs in your case here - the collective wisdom of MN and the many problems before yours can cloud a very personal set of circumstances.

Branleuse · 25/03/2013 10:12

im torn, because on one hand, agrown up who is generally a good responsible person should be allowed to go out and get pissed and roll in late occasionally without getting too much grief from the significant other in their life, and on the other hand, you seem to think it will be a slippery slope to doing it all the time

BeckAndCall · 25/03/2013 10:13

Attila. I was not putting a gloss on this, I don't believe. I was encouraging the OP not to get into an immediate escalation for what she says is a very rare event without knowing all the facts and at a point when her DP is not there to answer any questions before she forms her own conclusions.

Branleuse · 25/03/2013 10:13

and i suspect that the child heard you disciplining your partner, before he called you a name, no?

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 10:21

Bran I guess its because of his behaviour several years ago i worry about things taking a step back. Attila I see what you're saying but there have been several posts now which are more positive, believe me I've not got rose tinted specs on, I know my DP's faults and I'm not soft.

OP posts:

Original poster

jasmineramsden · 25/03/2013 10:29

Bran little one wasn't present when I told him off as it were, myself and DP were in our bedroom, little one was still asleep and I didn't raise my voice nor swear at him (never do). When we were all downstairs together I said how on earth are you planning on getting to work, he said o just leave it will you, you narky bitch.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 25/03/2013 10:40

can you talk to him about your fears, when hes less hungover, and guage his reaction as to whether hes taking the piss, and what you expect with regards to him having free time to party occasionally. Its reasonable for him to want to go out and get pissed sometimes without getting a scolding for it later, and you need to be careful youre not treating him like an unruly teenager, but he also needs to be mindful of your concerns about it, and he needs a certain amount of responsibility (although he did manage to still get himself to work)

Do you get to go out ever?

HawthornLantern · 25/03/2013 10:41

I don't want to pour cold water here, but I think you do have a problem. Or rather your DP has a problem, which by association affects you.

I have no doubt that your DP is a lovely man with many fine qualities, but he's also a man who has managed just a year of responsible behaviour. And when he decided to kick his heels up did it on a work night, not with the protection of the weekend to recover in when only (only!) his family would be affected. It is completely irresponsible especially as you say his job involves driving. He's presumably still over the limit and if the police caught up with him he'd be in trouble. This isn't just a man deciding he needs some entertainment that his DP frowns on a bit, this is a man playing fast and loose with his own livelihood. How easily would he pick up a new job if he lost this one?

And at 29 years old with a child to support he's old enough to be expected to have some maturity. And if you feel generally he has developed maturity then perhaps he does have alcohol problems and he may need support in dealing with them and he may not be willing to accept that he does have problems.

I am not, although it may look like it, saying you should throw him out but I am saying that when you have a calm conversation with him that you don't minimise how incredibly stupid he's been and what high stakes he is playing with here. This isn't an easy to forgive one-off night of high spirits. There's a history here that has already nearly split you up and it's important for the well being of your family that history doesn't repeat itself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2013 10:44

I'd like to know what he'd exactly think if you rolled in at 4am. Not that you ever would because you sound anyway much more responsible than he does.

I also think that someone will notice that he has arrived late as well, it will be logged somewhere. Its appalling that he has shown up so late for his first job. I hope it is noted because someone has to show him that there are consequences for his actions.

wannabeEostregoddess · 25/03/2013 10:53

A 29 year old who is otherwise responsible should be allowed to go out now and again. This is the first episode of this behaviour in a year and you presumably dressed him down infront of the child.

But he says "bitch" and has a night out and hes a raging alcoholic?

I think you need to explain why his not coming home until 4am is an issue (you were worried for him, his work has suffered) and how the names he called you made you feel.

But you cannot try to ban him from going out. You talk about his good behaviour like you are his mother. The two of you need to agree appropriate times to go out, that keeping in touch regarding any changes to the plans is necessary, and that you wont stand for a bad mood the next day.

Amykins35 · 25/03/2013 11:05

I think the only thing he did wrong was to do it on a work night. I don't agree that if men go out they must answer their phones at all times and be home when you say. If a man did the same to you he'd be labelled as controlling. Just let a man have a night out, get it out of his system - but tell him to do it when he doesn't have work the next day next time.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/03/2013 11:22

Sorry, I agree with Amykins
I'm a lot older than 29 and I go out with my friends and don't get in until 3am sometimes.
Although, never on a school night!
I think you just need to have a calm conversation with him.
The only unacceptable thing here (I think) is that he called you a bitch. That, you need to address!!!

BadLad · 25/03/2013 11:32

He's presumably still over the limit and if the police caught up with him he'd be in trouble.

He got a lift from a colleague to work - it says so in the OP.

TravelinColour · 25/03/2013 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HawthornLantern · 25/03/2013 11:36

Badlad the OP also wrote, for work which involves a lot of driving

I took that to mean that he has to drive as part of his job even if he got an initial lift to his workplace. I could be wrong, there is some ambiguity here (and I'd rather be wrong than have this guy on the roads) - but as Attila points out, someone could well have noticed he missed his first job of the day and in this climate that's not clever.

I don't think the guy is evil or should be boiled in oil, but I think he's beyond stupid for this behaviour.

BadLad · 25/03/2013 11:42

Sure, but we don't know anything about the job, let alone his schedule for today. He might not have had to drive until the afternoon, or indeed at all today.

I just thought you were a little quick to presume that he was over the limit, so I was equally quick to presume that you were talking about his driving to work today. But anyway, back to the OP's dilemma.

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