So angry with my partner over his behaviour last night...what to do

[jasmineramsden]

I am livid. DP went out last night with his friend 'for a couple of pints and to play pool'. No problem you would think. I went to bed early and woke at 2am to find he wasn't home. I just knew he'd have stayed out drinking as early in our relationship he on occasion would get bladdered and not come home and/or switch off his phone which caused no end of rows and we split several times over it. In the past couple of years he's grown up massively (I thought), he rarely goes out drinking and we have a great relationship for the most part. I phoned his mobile at 2am, it rang out once then after that went straight to voicemail, suggesting he switched off his phone after seeing my call.
He then comes in at 4am absolutely wrecked. Bearing in mind he was due to leave the house at 7am today for work which involves a lot of driving. When he finally got up at 9am I obviously said, what are you playing at, you have work, you can't drive having had that much drink in your system, and why the hell did you turn off your phone. His response to this was to call me a narky bitch. He's now gone to work having got a lift from his colleague who is his mate out of work as well. Luckily its unlikely his bosses will be aware he was late to his first job. Obviously this doesn't make it ok, I think he's a disgrace.
I am furious he's done this as I really thought he was growing up as he's been on such good behaviour for ages. I told him in no uncertain terms the last time he did something similar that I would not be putting up with it and kicked him out. After several weeks we got back together after him begging/pleading/making promises which he's kept to for the best part of a year, so I thought we had a future, he was putting things right. On a day to day basis he's a fantastic partner and dad, he's loving, hardworking, generous, makes a big effort with my family, funny, complimentary, we have similar interests, great sex life, overall I'm very in love with him but this is disgusting behaviour and to call me a narky bitch with our 2 year old in earshot is just unacceptable. I don't know what to do, he's spoiling everything....

Thanks all.
To answer some questions-
Yes I do get to go out on ocassion and this is actually a crucial point when I think about it. I don't go out often, maybe every 6 weeks and never on a work night, and I always have my phone on because I feel that a parent should be contactable especially with a young child at home. I went out with my friend a few weeks ago for a meal and on to a few bars and got in about 1ish. My partner encourages me to see my friends and is fine about me going out, he in fact surprised me with some vouchers for the hairdressers so I could get my hair and nails done in prep for my planned night out. When I got in that night I remember he basically said did u have a nice time love, great, and in the morning took the baby swimming allowing me to have a lie in. If he didnt take the piss with turning his phone off deliberately, going drinking on a work night and coming in legless at 4am he hasn't put a foot wrong really, in quite a long time now.
Hard to explain re his job without giving too much away and outing myself but he works for a big company but has a certain amount of autonomy with booking his own jobs, he goes from place to place through the day. His jobs aren't always booked the day before, he can contact the office that morning and they tell him the most pressing jobs oustanding and he plans accordingly where to go and when according to priority/location, etc. Today he didn't have a set 1st job so no one in particular was waiting on him in particular, this morning. The other engineers who did get up on time (!) Will have gone to the most urgent jobs first thing. Hope that makes sense. Doesn't make it right as I said, but that's how it is.
I don't mean to sound like his mother and I'm conscious of that. The thing is I do not want to control him at all, when he says he's going to play pool and have a couple of pints, then rolls in in a state at 4, that takes the piss. I want to be able to trust that if he says he won't be late, he won't be, as he can fully trust me in that regard.
Thanks again for all the views its really helpful.

I think it also depends very much on what was agreed in the past after all the other rows about this. Did you both agree that a repeat of this sort of behaviour would be a deal breaker because of past history?

If he's breaking any agreements you made together then this a breach of trust issue isn't it, and not just a one off night.

x post a little bit. Trust is all isn't it.

Cross posts
Have just briefly spoke to him, he called to apologise. His job does indeed involve driving but the job he's on currently will be a duration of several hours. Luckily for him, his colleague/mate is on another job in close proximity and they've made plans for mate to collect him around lunchtime to go pick up his car. He'll then drive to this afternoons jobs by which time (2pm ish) he won't be over the limit. I've told him we need to talk properly about this later or tomorrow, when he's no longer hungover/nackered and I've had chance to think.

Travel I took him back last time because he seemed very genuinely remorseful, made promises which he's then kept to for almost a year, and for all the positive points about him I've already stated, not to mention we have a child together and apart from this issue are a happy family, and the fact I was, and am, very much in love with him. I felt it was worth saving.

I don't know that this is a massive issue tbh. I mean every grown up should be able to go out and let their hair down occasionally. My DH doesnt do it and either do I, but we both could if we wanted to without the other having a hissy fit. I would have two problems with what he did though.
1 He should be contactable. He should text to let you know there was a change of plan and he's staying out later, so you don't worry when he doesn't get back when expected. He should answer his phone in case there is an emergency you need him for.
2 calling you a narky bitch is completely unacceptable and this would upset me FAR more than the night out. Is he often verbally abusive?

Him doing it on a work night is his own look out. He has made arrangements re the driving. He doesn't do it often so unlikely to be noted as a once off. He's the one who has to work with a hangover. Actually I'd rather DH was hungover in work time than family time, as he's a right moany sod when hungover.

A man who comes in utterly drunk at 4am on a Monday morning when he's got to work in a driving job is neither a decent partner, father or even human being.

People can still be over the limit 12 hours after stopping drinking, the man who killed my mother was.
A man who calls his wife a bitch isn't a decent man either - he is indeed spoiling everything, the question is : how much longer are you going to let him?

It depends how much he's had to drink though. Obviously he's thought about it and knows he'll be below the limit after lunch. Alcohol is metabolised from when you start drinking so its more like 20 hours of metabolisation.
I agree though if there is any doubt he should not drive.
Sorry about you mum Bela

he came in absolutely wrecked at 4am and has been working in a role that has quite a responsibility (just on H&S grounds) and wishes to drive?

I hope to god he is utterly sober. I hate drink drivers.

he encourages you to socialise and you go out every 6 weeks ish and hes always ok and supportive about it? Hes otherwise nice and a good father?

I think youre better to just rant on here a bit rather than give him grief if this is the first time hes rolled in drunk in a year.

A relationship shouldnt be keeping each other in captivity.

"A relationship shouldnt be keeping each other in captivity."

Of course not, but neither should it be about treating your family with utter disrespect by staying out and getting steaming drunk on a Sunday night when you have to work on a Monday morning, putting yourself and others lives at risk and putting your job at risk ( and therefore the financial stability of your family) by being late , I'm aghast that some people think that he's done nothing "bad" or that it's normal behaviour .
I've never had my husband behave like that or call me a bitch in 30 years.

Expecting your partner to act like a responsible adult is not "keeping them in captivity".

Yes I agree with those who say he should be 'allowed' a night out, and also for his plans to change.

Yes he may have been over the limit, but it seems that he had that covered with lifts / no immediate work planned this morning.

My partner likes to comment when I drink, and that is behcause he is on a massive fitness plan and has knocked all drinking on the head. I am not. If I want to have one beer on a Saturday night, or even if I wanted to have a party with my friends all night long until about 3am, I should be 'allowed' to do what I want. He has been told that he is not allowed to comment on my desire to have a drink.

If this is not a pattern with your husband, let him be. So what if he came in bladdered? Are you never going to get pissed again your entire life?

I think you just thought, its Sunday night, what are you doing??!! But he ended up having a random one. Everyone knows they're often the best. Dont cut his wings, you may lose him.

Obviously if his drinking becomes a problem, if he can't get up, starts doing stupid things, being abusive and so on, that's a different matter. It seems to me that he had a night out that changed in nature and didn't want you in his earhole telling him what's what. I would not want that from my partner. Sometimes people need to run free and should be allowed to do so in my opinion, and not punished for it either.

Like I say, if it becomes a habit and you never get yours in return, or a problem, thats a different matter.

When did you last have a night out?

Why is getting drunk treating your family with 'utter disrespect' and risking your job?

Calling her a bitch is not good however....he does need to say sorry for that imo.....

I used to have to do oncall for Monday till Monday, when I would gladly shove the phone and responsibility onto the next colleague. I was so in need of a nit of a night on that Monday night........!! But Monday? Having a drink on a Monday?

What I used to do is, get 3 beers in and play my guitar / sing in the living room. I may or may not bother cooking any tea. I dont have any children. I would swan about dancing, and enjoying my freedom from work. Maybe my friend would come round and we would do some singing. Who cared that it was Monday? I was well able to go to work the next day. I am not a heavy drinker tho and beer is relatively light (which is why I choose to drink it) and I am a lightweight anyway, hence only 3......but the point I am making is, when you need a night out, you need a night out.

I totally agree about drink driving and its something I also feel incredibly strongly about for personal reasons. I'm sorry about your mum Bela x. I feel your post was a little strong. In many respects he is a wonderful human being albeit one who has been very stupid, careless and selfish for the sake of getting pissed with his mate. He's worked out that he will be ok at that time to drive. Not ideal, no but not drink driving.

He isn't usually verbally abusive no. I wouldn't stand for that hence why him calling me a narky bitch has got to me. It isn't the norm in this house, I never heard my dad speak similarly to my mum and I find this, as I said unacceptable. There's maybe 2 other times in 4 years during a row he's stepped over the line in that sense, as in said fuck off or something, but I have to admit I've told him to f off once before, think when we were majorly sleep deprived after the arrival of our prem baby. As a rule he is kind and respectful and vice versa.

Of course he can - and should - have a night out.

But why did it have to be on a Sunday night when he had work in the morning? That's plain stupid.

He may or may not be under the limit by this afternoon. Let's hope for everyone's sake that he is.

Under no circumstances should he ever call the OP (or anyone else) a narky bitch - and the fact that their toddler DC heard it makes it ten times worse.

I also, personally, have a very strong preference for DH leaving his phone on when he's out. Partly because I like him to text if he's going to be later than planned (I don't mind if he's going to be later, but I hate the heart-in-mouth feeling of waking up at 2AM alone when I was expecting him at midnight). I have also had 2 occasions in the past 12 months where, purely by sod's law, I've needed to phone DH while he's been out due to family emergencies (once where DC1 developed pneumonia, once when my DSF's cathetar blocked - both times I needed to get to hospital so DH needed to come home to look after the sleeping DCs. I would expect him to call me home too in similar circumstances).

Thank you something your post resonates with me, as opposed to the posts utterly condemning him that this makes him an indecent human being. Without doubt I'm upset and disappointed with his behaviour but I am a realist also. I don't expect people to be perfect all of the time and yes within reason I like a drink myself!.
Bela are you saying you would leave a partner over this? I'm pleased your husband hasn't done something like this in 30 years, but surely he's done something else that pisses you off, no? Or is he perfect? I'm not being funny really I'm not. I just feel life isn't that black and white.
Completely agree about the bitch comment, its made it all worse.
He has text me to say 'I'm so sorry, feel ashamed of myself, you were giving me a hard time and I just snapped but I shouldn't have I'm really sorry'.

Quite, cinnebar. Spot on. That's exactly how I feel, and about the phone.

I'm glad he's apologised - sounds like he's a good egg!

Thanks all , much appreciated.
We talked it over and he's apologised sincerely again. Feel a lot calmer today, hopefully he's learnt his lesson (think the hangover has taught him as well)
Cheers ladies and gents

oh dear, i can see why you are so upset. id be p*ed off too.

im not at all minimising this but luckily, it seems to happen infrequently. however, its very unpleasant when it does and its disruptive to both of you and clearly P has abused alcohol. he's stressed you out, not answered his phone so you have no idea of his safety etc, and might not keep getting away with his behaviour at work. im appalled at him calling his lovely partner a bitch, thats too nasty.

there are 3 options, ask him to move out for a while, do nothing or discuss and monitor the situation.

as a separate issue, you need to discuss the abusive language. i wouldn't even call my worst enemy a bitch. i hate that word along with the twt and c*t words which seem to be popular on MN sometimes.

if it was happening more often, i d say he had underlying issues that need to be addressed. right now, you need to make it very clear if this happens again it is a deal breaker for you. why dont you try to set some ground rules about going out but i doubt he'd observe those 6 pints later on a night out.

im so sorry. hope you have a good day and a productive talk. let us know how you get on.