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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't love my husband

42 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 15:36

And I'm not sure I ever really did.
I like him a lot because he is a wonderful man - kind, caring and absolutely fantastic with ds. I'm incredibly lucky because he supports us financially so I can be a sahm and he has a lovely family who I am reasonably close to.
Basically we are more like friends than husband and wife. There is no real attraction/spark and we haven't had sex for over a year.
I long to keep our little family together but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I also know he deserves someone who truly loves him (though I'm not sure he loves me either so maybe this is enough for him?).
Should I count my blessings and get on with it or is there more to life than this?
Sorry to be so negative on a Sunday afternoon, just feeling really down! Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/03/2013 15:40

Work on getting the spark back and yes count your blessings.

TheFallenNinja · 24/03/2013 15:42

Can't you both work on the physical spark seems a shame to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Spero · 24/03/2013 15:47

Then sit down and write a list of all your assets and liabilities. If you split up, where will you live, how will you pay for it, how will you both have a relationship with your child. Talk to him about how you feel, how he feels. Talk about what you can do, or whether you don't want to do anything anymore.

There may be more to life than this. There may be a hell of a lot less. But whatever you do, don't go making massive changes based on the desire for a Disneyland dream life, because I am pretty sure that doesn't exist for anyone.

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 15:47

We've only been married 2 years and I'm not sure we ever really had a spark but you're right we certainly should try and I do need to work harder.

OP posts:
musickeepsmesane · 24/03/2013 15:47

sad post. I don't know what to say. You have never loved him? How, suddenly is he no longer enough? No sex for a year? I can understand that sadly I have more questions tho'. Has your sex drive disappeared? Why did you stop having sex? Sorry, personal but trying to understand. Are you depressed? You obviously feel there is something missing in your life. Don't you deserve someone who truly loves you? Sorry for all the questions, trying to understand a bit more.

musickeepsmesane · 24/03/2013 15:50

2 YEARS???

Spero · 24/03/2013 15:55

If you want sex and there is none, this is a big issue and won't go away. I am sorry you are sad, but please talk to him about how you feel. I don't think these kind of problems ever magically resolve themselves. You just wake up,one morning, its 10 years later and nothing is changed except your options have shrunk.

VBisme · 24/03/2013 15:57

So 2 years ago you married a man that you don't love but can afford for you to be a stay at home mum? and why was that?

I doubt his family will be quite so lovely when they realise that you see their DS as a meal ticket.

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 16:10

The relationship grew out of friendship and we've never really had any passion. I had intense passionate relationships in the past but they always seem too fiery so I guess I chose the 'safe' option. I had some doubts at the time but my mum wrote me a long letter saying I would end up on the shelf if I wasn't careful (got married at 29!!!). I'm not blaming her as I am a grown woman capable of making my own decisions but it was hard not to be a little bit swayed by what she said. I assumed passion would fade over time anyway so it was better to be with someone who I liked, admired, got on well with etc.

Music - I guess I do deserve someone who loves me but I brought this on myself (no one forced me to say 'i do') so he probably deserves it more. i have a wonderful life (ds is the cherry on top!) apart from this one thing so perhaps i just want/expect too much.

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 24/03/2013 16:12

How old is your son?

Spero · 24/03/2013 16:14

There was no gun to his head, so unless you actively lied to him about the strength of your feelings, he has also made the same bargain.

Why can't you talk to him?

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 16:16

VBisme - it's actually not like that at all but you can choose to see me as a gold digger if you wish! For what it's worth I was a high earner before ds and we took the decision as a family for me not to return to work as we can get by on one salary. We are incredibly lucky to be in that position as lots of families aren't but I could support myself and ds if it ever came to that.

OP posts:
TKKW · 24/03/2013 16:17

you must have fancied him enough to have sex in the past, so why is he not attractive now? Does he not make an effort with his looks now?

Spero · 24/03/2013 16:20

It's quite possible to have sex with people you don't fancy. Maybe you hope you will grow to fancy them.

Spero · 24/03/2013 16:21

To be blunt, you either talk to him and try to change things, carry on as you are and try to count your blessings, leave, or stew for the next 20 years in possibly increasing resentment. Can't see any other options.

TKKW · 24/03/2013 16:23

i find my H attractive but sometimes i cant find the energy to have sex if he starts trying to get me in the mood. i find when we do DTD, i enjoy it an awful lot. also, sometimes i need a glass of wine as a cheeky loosener.

could you find a spark again? if you really can't, you might be selfish to keep him.

Sallystyle · 24/03/2013 16:24

Just some questions. Obviously you may not want to answer them online.

Did you ever fancy him?
Was your sex life ever good?
Are you repulsed by his touch?
Do you cuddle or have other physical contact?
Have you by any chance got feelings for someone else?
Do you communicate and have fun together?

I am just trying to get to the bottom of what you mean when you say you don't love him. You say you have a great life, he is nice man so is the only thing missing really the sex?

If so, has that always been a problem? if not, what do you think has happened to change that?

No spark? what exactly do you mean by that? no attraction again?

BTW I ended my first marriage for many reasons, a big reason (but certainly not the only one) was due to no spark what so ever, it got to the stage where the idea of touching him physically made me feel a bit ill. Not nice to admit but there you go.

nerofiend · 24/03/2013 16:26

Dear OP, my advice to you would be to give your husband a chance. Not all of us come into marriage after the passionate love affair that Hollywood, the media, society has as a Platonic ideal.

Marriage is quite a raw business at the end of the day. Many cultures seem to understand that better than the Western culture.

Now you have a child, and it's very important to work as a team. Your child needs the social and financial, emotional stability that he can offer, especially when children are young.

Try to focus is something that you might find attractive about him. There must be something. Try to go out together for dinner or do activities together, have a flirty, silly, funny conversation.

Two years is too short a time to leave just before there aren't any sparks in the relationship. Please don't give up so easily.

Chandon · 24/03/2013 16:27

well, this is almost like an arranged marriage, in a way, I suppose.

And they can work if both partners want it to work. You can start from friendship and build on that.

You can start by acting a bit more loving, a kiss, a hug, and take it from there.

this whole idea that relationships should be about non-stop passion is deluded IMO. It is normal for the affection and sex to eb and flow, but you seem to already have killed it in your heart?

TKKW · 24/03/2013 16:34

exactly, non stop passion isn't achievable or a norm for most people but being loving even if not always sexual is.

you should give the physical side a chance and be proactive to see how he responds.

TKKW · 24/03/2013 16:35

spero, fair enuff.

allaflutter · 24/03/2013 16:36

Yes it's a sad situation, but IME very common! Some people don't need passion as such and prefer stable non-fiery partners whom they like as a friend. I relate to you though, OP, been in similar marriage myself - though maybe not as good as we weren't really close friends (lots of misunderstandings), though we did like each other generally and shared sense of humour, and we did have a passionate spark in the beginning. It's disappeared after a year or two, because that X element of true love was missing, I think for both of us. He was also decent and well-to-do but very immature (so was I).

We divorced (no kids) because I was feeling very trapped - and worse, my head kept being turned by others, he just retreated into himself and his work. If you can avoid getting to the stage when you feel suffocated, then do it! Either go to a VERY good cousellor, or think of parting your ways. You are very young at 31, and you have a dc, and could meet a true love, though of course there is a risk. But if you don't do or change something you are in danger of falling into depression OR having an affair, and he's not immune either(!) if he feels like you don't really love each other.

As someone said, yes it could be a whole lot worse. I still haven't met the right man in the years that have passed, but even though it's been quite hard, I don't regret that I left, it got to the stage emotionally that I didn't have any choice, to preserve sanity I needed to be free! It's much better to be single or date unsuccessfully then feel that you have to pretend to be happy and to have to spend all you free time with the partner you like but don't love - it's best to stay friends with him instead. I'm an emotional person, and you sound like one too, some people are practical/sensible (your Mum?) so yes, it could work for some but never for others. sorry for rambling!

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 16:43

We used to have sex now and then but for me it was always a case of 'Christ we haven't had sex for ages must try to make time for that' rather than a desperate desire to shag him senseless. dh never really initiates it so I think he may have a low sex drive but there are no actual 'issues' in that department.

I went off sex whilst pregnant/bf and ds is only 8 months so the recent lack of sex doesn't really concern me - more that it wasn't really there to begin with.

Samu - he definitely doesn't repulse me and he is an attractive man but if I'm totally honest I've never thought "pworgh" more "mmmm handsome". I don't have feelings for anyone else but I see the way other couples hold hands/cuddle/kiss and I envy them.

OP posts:
allaflutter · 24/03/2013 16:44

I think non-stop passion and true love are NOT the same thing. Though of course if there is love, passion is usually there ebbing and flowing, but not disappearing.

No one mature expect constant passion of a honeymoon, but true love IMO, is loving the person in big and small ways, admiring them for something, feeling very HAPPY in their company, just loving little things about them, and a deep sense of caring about their well-being, also an ability to talk deeply and understand.

MogwaiTheGremlin · 24/03/2013 17:10

Thanks everyone - it's really interesting to hear what different people think of true love because I'm not sure I really know.

Nero - good practical suggestions thank you. I promise I won't give up without a fight as providing a stable home for ds means everything to me.

Spero - I don't know why i can't talk to him. Embarrassment? Or maybe just acknowledging something is seriously wrong?

Flutter - you have hit the nail on the head. glad to hear your decision was the right one. Do you think we need an actual sex counsellor or a 'regular' one?!

OP posts: