I don't love my husband

[MogwaiTheGremlin]

And I'm not sure I ever really did.
I like him a lot because he is a wonderful man - kind, caring and absolutely fantastic with ds. I'm incredibly lucky because he supports us financially so I can be a sahm and he has a lovely family who I am reasonably close to.
Basically we are more like friends than husband and wife. There is no real attraction/spark and we haven't had sex for over a year.
I long to keep our little family together but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I also know he deserves someone who truly loves him (though I'm not sure he loves me either so maybe this is enough for him?).
Should I count my blessings and get on with it or is there more to life than this?
Sorry to be so negative on a Sunday afternoon, just feeling really down!

Do you think you can live without that sort of intimacy indefinitely? Talk to him He may be feeling the same and you might both be able to come to an agreement to be great parents but end the marriage?

Not being able to talk to him is the biggest indicator that something is wrong. Please believe me when I say I speak from experience.

I was in a loveless relationship for nearly 7 years. He was a lovely guy, but there was no spark. As nice as he was, and as great a friendship we had - I count them as years wasted.

Life is too short.

I'm sitting here crying reading this. It's all ringing true for me. I've been with dh for 11 years though, 2 dcs. I think we did used to have passion though. I don't even remember any more...

I actually came on here to start a thread, but I think this sums it up. I gave up a job earning more than him when we had dd 3.5 years ago. I feel like I'm the hired help sometimes. His family are not supportive of us in ANY way & mine are a plane journey away. We never go out & the spark has definitely faded/gone.

He is currently fixated on paying off the mortgage & budgeting heavily. He asks my opinion, we discuss it, then decide he's right. I'm quite feisty, but although its our money, he definitely feels that he is the sensible one & I have no say. I had some debt (small cc & postgrad loan of £2k) when we met & I loved buying clothes, but I paid it all off 10 years ago. We are not on the breadlin.

Sorry, waffling & don't intend to hijack. Just identifying with you & feeling down & lost.

How long have you been married for and how old is DS?
I ask because when children come along it is so easy to forget about our partner and to "make an effort". For my DH and I, we def had sometime of little action so to speak, we were so tired with lack of sleep (still not,ideal as eldest has SN, but more,used to,it), but the spark,is,there again. We started spending more,time together and looking after each other more.
You are lucky to have a lovely man there!

A lovely man is not enough! There are lots of lovely men but they are not suitable partners based solely on that. You need mutual love respect attraction. You both deserve more

Has he mentioned the no sex or did he just not pressure you as you were pregnant then again after the baby not want to rush you? You have to ask him.

You haven't been married very long and a new baby as well- things do change. Do you feel sexy though? It's quite normal, I think, to get out of the habit and your body changes so much too. We can't both squash in the bath anymore for instance :)

You have to talk to him and get your mojo back together. If you both get on, it might be just more affection, making time for each other ( not really for endless talking, maybe home salsa or Zumba classes for you or whatever, scrabble???)

Unless the thought of making love with him for the rest of your life makes you want to remain celibate , which is unfair on him and you. And you or he might stray and bring a lot of misery into your lives which could have been avoided.

OP, I would say a general cousellor who also is specialised, or covers, the sexual side, but it's really not the sex per se, is it - you say that when it happens there are no problems with sustaining arousal etc, it's much more lack of desire for each other and lack of emotional connection. Tbh it may be lead nowhere if you don't really love him emtionally, but it's worth at least trying this because sometimes people don't recognise love when it's there, i.e. a good cousellor can put you in touch with latent feelings or just help to deal the over-romanticised views of love, or possibly hekp you commmunicate which may clarify things. I mean, you don't have much to lose by trying if you think there is a seed of true feeling tpwards him. Otherwise you could stay friends and co-parent, but give a bit of time for this decision.

A new baby does kill a relationship a bit especially when you become a SAHM. With both my boys I have become extremely saddened and have contemplated seperation as the relationship has taken a back seat as a child takes up so much time and effort.

Do you get the chance to go out for a few hours together? You do need to sit down and talk about what you are feeling. Lay your cards on the table, and say what you want to happen and give yourselves a realistic time frame to change things one by one.

I do understand precisely how you feel, but only you can know if you want to salvage your relationship.

I definitely can't live without intimacy or affection. We both shower ds with kisses and cuddles but never each other.

We do go out together but it tends to be group occassions (birthday parties or yesterday's wedding which prompted all this).

He has never mentioned the lack of sex - before or after ds - which is why I think he may have a low sex drive? The one time I brought it up (years ago) he said he thought maybe I didn't fancy him because he'd put on a few pounds. I assured him that was absolutely not the case and we had a giggle about it over a curry I'd like to think he's still attracted to me as I feel in my prime and am fit/healthy but it's not great for anyone's confidence when their husband isn't up for it. Disclaimer: I am equally guilty at not initiating.

We haven't been married long and I know some people are annoyed/despairing at me for that but stories like Nymph/BabiesInSlings are exactly why I am posting now. Tales of wasted years are heartbreaking because life's so short.

OP, life is too short, you need to make a decision reasonably soon, I'd say within a year.
just not rush into it without trying to resolve it, as I say, if there is a seed of true feelings for him somewhere - purely so that you know you tried and not live with regrets later.
Is an emotional element missing, or do you think when you have/had sex you do feel more love towards him? If not, I'd say more sex is not the answer.

From time to time I remember a passage from a book I read once. (don't remember which one) regarding an arranged marriage.

'I learned to love my husband bit by bit. First I loved his hands.... '

something like that.

Here we are sold a dream of passion and adversities overcome in order to be together which usually ends at the altar with.......

We are also very individualistic. There are good and bad points to that.

If you leave you will probably meet someone else and it will probably be passionate to start and in a few years you'll be wondering if you can be bothered having sex tonight and has it really been two weeks?

If you like and respect each other, if you have a child together and parent well together then I think you should give your marriage a chance.

Maybe start with an inventory of the good things in your relationship.

Agree with that.

Barbara Pym is great as well, she has one of her characters saying " it would be hard, really, to imagine a husband who was not occasionally boring, irritating or both." and this is said by a woman who has a good marriage.

Just realistic expectations

Watching.

I struggled with this for the past 2 years or so. It would ebb and flow. Some months it would seem ok, other monthsi would despair. There was no doubt that my dh loved me, but would never show it, and we never went out. It all came to a head last summer, and we did counselling, but agreed to split.
I'm moving out in a month, and it's v v v sad, I know it's the right decision for me- and ultimately him. We have 2 kids, both late primary school age. They have taken it exceptionally well. we are still friends, and have agreed the split with minimal involvement from solicitors.
I love him like a brother. A life half livedvis not worth living and all that.
That said , it was THE most difficult decision I've ever had to make.
Good luck op

My first marriage was just like this without children though. I think that I misunderstood what was meant when people say that marriage is about compromise. I've been with DH for fifteen years, still very much in love. I'd be very happy if my children had marriages like ours, but the first time around wasn't enough. You must have good foundations to keep you going through the ups and downs.

I don't think you are wanting too much to want to feel as if you are in love with your DH. I'm not saying everyone is all over their partners at all times but I do think most people would agree it is preferrable to fancy your partner and to feel a deep love that is beyond friendship for them. Of course, if you were both happy with the situation it wouldn't be a problem, to each their own. But you are unhappy.

This really reminds me of my relationship with my first "serious boyfriend" in my early 20s. In that case I absolutely adored him as a very, very good friend but there really was no physical attraction at all. I Just enjoyed his company so much, loved his family and we had such a fun time together. I imagine I would have felt as you do if we had had a child and stayed together. I could not have been happy in that relationship long term and I wouldn't have wanted it for him either. We are still friends, his wife is wonderful and I have been gay for some 20 years but that is irrelevant to your thread!

I completely agree with notmost, my relationship with my DP now (10 years in) is truly as loving and passionate as it was when we first met. I think we both feel fulfilled and it was worth waiting for. I'm not saying everyone feels like this, or that you can't "work on that spark" but that assumes there was one in the first place......I feel for you. It is a really difficult situation, especially hard when you have a child.