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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know what to do for the best

51 replies

Nirvana1999 · 23/03/2013 23:04

Dh and I split up weeks ago, he was physically and emotionally abusive. He begged for me to take him back but despite his promises he hasn't changed :( I don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford to pay stuff when he's not here. I work FT but without him I struggle financially. I know I'm weak and pathetic. Putting up with being used as a punchbag for the sake of money. Even if we split the maintenance doesn't help towards my CC bills etc. what a mess. Any advice is appreciated.

Please be gentle, he's out at the pub with friends so I'm on a knives edge waiting for him to come home. I thought I'd post in here to maybe try and find some sort if hope.

OP posts:

SPBInDisguise · 23/03/2013 23:06

So you've split but are still living in the same house?
Sounds like you need detailed financial advice - mners very good at that. Do you have Dcs?

SPBInDisguise · 23/03/2013 23:07

I know it's easy for me to say but no amount of money is worth being trapped in an abusive relaitonship
There must be a better way. If you split what happens to the house? And where would you live?

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 23:08

You split up but have taken him back ?

Did you look into finances without him, with the aid of professionals ?

CAB, Women's Aid, a solicitor, benefits office ?

No one, in this day and age, is forced to live with an abuser due to solely money reasons

Admit you got sweet talked, you have made a mistake and this time look into splitting officially and properly

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe · 23/03/2013 23:09

Do you currently get tax credits or any help towards childcare costs?

AnythingNotEverything · 23/03/2013 23:10

If you're struggling with debt, speak to the CAB or Step Change debt charity. They may be able to help you renegotiate your payment (temporarily or permanently) to make them more manageable.

The hardest bit is making the decision to separate. From here you just need to worry about yourself and dcs. You're stronger than you think.

Chubfuddler · 23/03/2013 23:11

If you have debts you can't pay alone you need to look into an IVA or bankruptcy. You cannot stay with someone who abuses you. You aren't tea

Chubfuddler · 23/03/2013 23:11

trapped. You have to leave.

Hatpin · 23/03/2013 23:15

You must get out. How much is the shortfall?

Would you get tax credits? Housing / council tax benefit?

saggyhairyarse · 23/03/2013 23:15

Go to child maintenance options website and work out how much money he will have to pay as maintenance. Call the tax credit helpline and ask them to tell you how much tax credits and childcare allowance you will get on your sole income. You may get help towards your mortgage depending on your earnings, you can call your council to find out what help you would get (your council tax will be reduced because of single occupancy). Whilst fixed costs like mortgage/rent, broadband etc will remain the same, some bills will reduce like food, water etc.

You might have to budget more on food and clothes etc but I think this is a small price to pay to not live in fear and to be a better role model for your children.

Original poster

Nirvana1999 · 23/03/2013 23:22

Yes we split and I foolishly took him back. We have 2 dc's. when we split I contacted tax credits and was entitled to some help with childcare costs and some extra TC. I still struggled. I have a CC and a couple of store cards. I don't want to get behind with these payments. When we split he paid me £50 per week maintenance but paying full rent, council tax and all bills on my wage was impossible. I can't afford to run my car which I need for work as public transport is terrible and doesn't run at times I need it.

I know it's ridiculous, I'm just so tired of it all and drained trying to get out of it for good.

OP posts:

SPBInDisguise · 23/03/2013 23:24

Fifty quid a week, two children, is that right?
Can you move closer to work? Suppose that then messes with school? Can you move somewhere cheaper? Council tax should be reduced - was it?

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 23:25

Women's Aid

Stay in your house, get rid of him and take in a lodger

50 quid a week maintenance for 2 kids doesn't seem enough...contact the CSA and get the full amount

Ask family for help until you get on your feet

AnythingNotEverything · 23/03/2013 23:34

Speak to women's aid. I know it's scary, but you can do this on your own. Women's aid will help you sort your finances, maintenance a, bills, debts etc, and can help you will budgets etc.

You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster

Nirvana1999 · 23/03/2013 23:47

I called woman's aid before we split last time. I'm still waiting on someone calling me back.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 24/03/2013 00:22

When you called WA did you speak to someone or did you leave a message on a machine?

izzyizin · 24/03/2013 00:26

Posted too early... did you call the 24/7 helpline number or did you call your nearest branch?

If you have reason to believe the absusive twunt will physically assault you again, or if he becomes threatening/throws stuff/shouts, simply call 999 and let the police remove from your home - after which, they'll put the wheels in motion for you to be allocated a dv worker who can help you work out your full entitlements to council tax discount/child support/tax credits etc.

Original poster

Nirvana1999 · 24/03/2013 00:57

It was local number, I left a message. He's home, drunk and shouting the odds. Can't do this anymore

OP posts:

Mosman · 24/03/2013 06:06

Screw the credit cards, just don't pay them nobody will die

Timetoask · 24/03/2013 06:17

Not worth living with a drunk, really not.
Can you downsize to a property cheaper to rent? Could you give us a breakdown of your spenditure to see if we can spot any saving opportunities?

foofooyeah · 24/03/2013 06:21

Nirvana, hope your ok ?
Do put details on here as people can help and advise.
I use stepchange after getting in difficulty with CC - really workd out for me.
Dont put yourself and your children through this

SPBInDisguise · 24/03/2013 11:42

Nirvana are you ok?

Original poster

Nirvana1999 · 24/03/2013 15:19

Im ok. Going through all paperwork, bills etc and working out finances. The £50 per week was an agreement we made when we split last time. Not sure I'd get much more going through CSA?

He kicked off last night, he took my phone and seen this thread, started laughing, telling me how pathetic I am. That's me just managed to get my phone back now. Hes still sleeping. I just need to hold on to the hope I'll be out of this situation soon one way or another. I know I should have called police last night as he was abusive but I'm too scared.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 24/03/2013 15:47

You have nothing to fear from the police. He has though. Call them.

foofooyeah · 24/03/2013 17:35

Just seen your update, you are not pathetic, he is. Pathetic and a bully.

I hope you do manage to get out of this situation, Its wrong to be so scared of someone

Original poster

Nirvana1999 · 24/03/2013 20:30

I hope so too. I feel like I have no one. I actually have no one. Just me and my 2 beautiful babies but its an uphill struggle all the time, constantly fighting against something. Since the age of 8 I've fought and fought and fought. I'm not sure I have any fight left.

I don't expect a response, it's just an outlet and stops me pacing the floor.

OP posts:

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