How to cope day to day with a functional alcoholic?

[nerofiend]

My DH is just like many men in this country: nice guy, good job, good dad, one problem: he drinks nearly every day.

His drinking makes me very angry. He's not violent, but he can be sometimes grumpy and very lazy in the mornings. He'll never get up first to make me a cup of coffee, never breakfast together.

He comes late from work sometimes and his breath smells badly. He's obviously putting on weight because of the alcohol intake.

Please don't advise to leave him as I have nowhere to go, work part time, have no money, and I wouldn't put my children under the strain of a divorce as I went through it as a child and it really affected me.

I'm just angry and resentful at his alcoholism. His dad was an alcoholic too. I've talked to him about million times but nothing changes. He can't see he's got a problem as most of his colleagues drink twice as much.

What can I do to deal with my anger? It's really affecting our relationship.

You always have somewhere to go.

It's not your anger that you need to deal with. It's his problem that he needs to deal with.

Don't you think your children are already suffering if Dad is a "grumpy" pisshead? Mine was. They divorced when I was 6, but I can still remember what he was like. Yours will too. Think about it.

You can leave him, there is always a way. I've just got my decree absolute from a man who sounds remarkably similar. I also work part time and worried for my children but I decided that they would rather have a happy mum than one who was miserable all the time. You don't have to live like this.

Thanks for the quick replies!

samsonthecat, do you mind me asking how old were your children when you divorced? I'm terrified of that, as I was very little when my parents divorced and it was all very nasty and messy.

I'm thinking that maybe when my children are older, I should make that decision.

It's not all bad with him but his terrible habit is wearing me down so badly.

When you say he drinks "nearly every day" what do you mean?

Is he actually drunk every day, or does he just have a couple? Is he winding down after a hard day at work or does he 'need' a drink? Is he having a beer, or a bottle of wine?

I grew up with an alcoholic in the family, and understand that has given me an aversion to drinking - I don't see the need to drink every day and used to overreact with people that did. But some people really do 'just have a couple' and that's it. It doesn't make them alcoholics.

It is just the fact that he wants to have a drink every day that annoys you, or is it his behaviour when he has a drink? Or the excessive quantity? How much do you estimate he is drinking and does he actually get drunk at home in the middle of the week for no reason? Will he drink alone? Will he get irritable if there is no booze in the house and will he prioritise alcohol over, say running out of coffee or milk? Or is he just spending too much time out drinking after work, and you resent that (understandably)? You need to be more specific about what is actually happening that is bothering you.

Or is it more about the principle, like if he smoked and you hated that?

TBH the grumpy lazy behaviour you describe could apply to a great many men, whether they drink or not.

I only say this because I know someone who thinks her DH is developing a drink problem, and I have to say I completely disagree with her. She very rarely drinks alcohol and has never been drunk in her life, but she nurses endless cups of tea all day and night, whereas he has taken to having a glass or maybe two of red wine several nights a week, but is not a person to drink to excess at all, even when socializing. But because he has developed a reasonably recent taste for wine in the evenings she thinks the world is coming to an end.

I am not saying that your DH should not consider cutting down if it's having an adverse affect on your relationship and his health, but so far you haven't convinced me that he is actually an alcoholic - merely that you dislike him drinking daily. I drink (almost) daily but I am very, very far from being an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise. I am not trying to defend him, merely get some clarity on the severity of the problem.

Tbh I think it will be worse to leave when they are older.

Unfortunately it looks like he'll need to hit rock bottom to do something about it.
In the meantime you waste your time with him and the children suffer.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Note the last two in particular. He is not going to stop drinking because you have talked together. He will only stop drinking when he wants to, you can do nothing to influence that and he may well not do so. He certainly won't stop drinking for you. He may well go onto lose everything and still continue to drink afterwards. I think too he is badly underestimating how much he is drinking.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What need of yours is still being met here?.

Talking to alcoholics to get them to see reason therefore does no good at all; alcoholism can also be learnt and can also run in families. Was not at all surprised to read that his own father was an alcoholic. Your children are being put under the strain of alcoholism; that is far more miserable to them and has far reaching effects; you have seemingly not even considered that.

Who buys the alcohol?.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. Your children will thank you both as well.

There is always a way out; there is advice and help out there for you if you were to choose to leave. The hardest step though is actually taking the first one to get out and seeing your own parents messy divorce has also contributed to you being stuck and feeling that you cannot leave. Circumstances now are different and you both are not your parents. Your children are currently seeing an angry pisshead dad and a seething resentful mother; what are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Think about that as well; anger and codependency are rife in this relationship of yours. Your children are already being profoundly affected here; children of alcoholic parents can and often do end up with a raft of emotional problems as adults. This is not the legacy you want to be leaving them.

A poster called Olgaga has posted a lot of useful resources re legal stuff; its worth hunting that out. The more information you have the more power you have; knowledge is itself powerful.

Would you really rather your family stay together with alcoholism as a constant prescence in their day to day lives?. Think carefully about the implications of that. You're thinking about staying with him until the children are older. Doing that (and you will find it hard to leave then because you'll be thinking about their teen years, exams, etc; there will always be a reason to stay) is a decision that may well frankly come back to haunt you. They won't thank you for staying with their alcoholic dad and will wonder of you why you were so weak and put him before them during their childhood. Your own relationship with them going forward could be badly affected, if you were to tell them you stayed for them they will call you daft for doing so. Your children will get to the stage where they won't want to talk about their home lives due to the chaos within it and not want to bring their friends home due to same chaos.

You may well find contacting Al-anon to be helpful to you. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

My dec are 8 and 5. They were 5 and 3 when their dad moved out. He didn't do much with them when he lived here to be honest so they don't notice much difference.

I only say this because I know someone who thinks her DH is developing a drink problem, and I have to say I completely disagree with her. She very rarely drinks alcohol and has never been drunk in her life, but she nurses endless cups of tea all day and night, whereas he has taken to having a glass or maybe two of red wine several nights a week, but is not a person to drink to excess at all, even when socializing

I had a friend like this too Fell, and it's what snapped me out of my issues. Unfortunately her marriage eventually disintegrated because she would sniff and be snide if her husband ever had a drink - and I mean even a single one. She tells people that her marriage broke up because her husband was an alcoholic - but he really wasn't, and that is very unfair of her.

I'd recommend this book.

I'm sorry but please don't stay with him because of your children. It is far more damaging for them to stay - I speak from experience as my dad is an alcoholic and my mum stayed- "for us" I had a wrecked childhood living with my alcoholic dad. And I resent my mum for keeping us in that situation.

Sorry to be blunt, I feel really strongly about this. You can leave him, but you don't want to yet. You cannot manage his drink problem, you can only do the best for you and your children.

I'm with the posters who think you should leave him. I was with my husband who did the every day for two many years. 18 months out of the marriage and I honestly I ask myself how long ago I became numb to myself. You don't have a choice, I'm afraid - and think of all the years you are wasting staying.

In my experience, the drinking became like water running through rock - and it eroded everything away, leaving me a bit like the Grand Canyon. They never realise about the effect it's having on others because to them it's not a problem. It will eventually kill you

What is a functional alcoholic? An alcoholic with a job? Apparently Al-Anon are very good.

I don't think you can cope as the alcoholism is totally out of your control. I also think it is hugely damaging to your children to live with this. The children of alcoholics are more at risk of becoming alcoholics themselves. You say his df was an alcoholic, now him?

I would advise leaving, or rather asking him to leave. But I accept you do not wish to hear this so will not labour the point!

People are advising the OP to leave because her husband:

Drinks nearly every day - so not every day, and we don't know how much
Is grumpy in the mornings - so am I, but I'm near teetotal.
Doesn't make her cups of tea in the mornings - wtf? DH never gets a cup of tea in the mornings off me, maybe we should divorce!
sometimes comes home late from work - maybe work is busy?
Has smelly breath - go to the dentist.
Has put on weight - Is OP the same weight as on her wedding day?

She also says he is a nice guy with a good job and is a good dad - oh and asks that we dont tell her to leave him

Really? Is this helping the OP at all?

You asked what you could do about your anger about the situation. Therapy for you to help you work through what you are living with and/or Al Anon meetings. No one in either case will advise you to leave him, but you will learn what you yourself decide you can and can't live with, how to minimise the effect on you, and how to detach so you stop obsessing by his behaviour as there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to stop it unless that is what he decides to do.

If you decide to leave, then you will cope. I am sure dozens and dozens of people can post on here and say they left a bad marriage with less and managed to rebuild their lives.

I spoke to a really lovely young girl, who said the best thing her mother ever did was leave her alcoholic father, it was like a breath of fresh air rather than living with the craziness of someone's drinking problem. Children pick up on a lot, even when young, and need to be their dad's priority which is not happening if he is an alcoholic.

Do you still love being married to him? Not the idea of it, or what you hope it is, but the actual day to day. He is grumpy and hung over in the morning, comes home late at night. That does not sound like a good dad or good husband. And alcoholism is a progressive disease, so although he is functioning at the moment it can get a lot worse. Alcoholics can be very selfish and good luck to you for whatever decision you make.

The op describes him as an alcoholic.

It doesn't have to be every day to be alcoholism. One of the biggest myths many drinkers have about themselves is if they can miss a day they are not an alcoholic.

How is it helping for you to suggest it isn't really a problem? She has said it is a problem for her.

The op asked how to cope. The honest answer IMO is you cannot 'cope' with other people's addictions.

You give your view on how to live happily with an alcoholic, I am interested to learn how to do that.

OP, I don't think its necessarily about how much he drinks or what time he actually gets in etc but more about - his behaviour is making you unhappy and he doesn't care enough to stop. But that is his choice. Just like it is your choice whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't care enough to compromise.

I haven't given a view at all yellow.

For all we know the OPs DH has 2 glasses of wine 4 times a week. That doesn't make him an alcoholic. There is every chance that the OP is teetotal and thinks that 2 glasses of wine is excessive. I used to be like that. Growing up with an alcoholic brother made me seriously over sensitive.

If OPs DH is drunk every night, or every other night (she doesn't say that) then yes, she needs to make a decision that will almost certainly end her marriage, but would be better for her children.

But she doesn't say that.

People are projecting their own experiences onto the OP when the dont have the full facts, and that just isn't helpful.

LtEve - aren't you projecting just as much?

That is what I meant but badly typed. - I would love you to give your view of how to live happily with an alcoholic.

Yes I now understand your reasons for questioning her definition of alcoholism based on your family experiences. But this is not your family is it? I think the person projecting here is you.

The op describes him as a functioning alcoholic. I don't feel the need to question her definition. Itis her marriage, her husband. But I do feel it is reasonable to express my opinion of how to deal with that as she asked how to cope.

What lteve said. In spades. Large spades.

Am I? I don't know?

I just think that there are always two sides to a story and unfortunately as the OP hasn't clarified, we cannot know in this case.

My exH is an alcoholic and I made the decision to separate because of the children. My 5 year old was more than aware of what happened when daddy drank and my 2 year old was used to finding cans hidden around the house.

Alcoholics just get worse. They just do. My gentle, loving husband turned into a monster who drove when drunk and tried to run me over in a 4x4. A year on from our separation, he is homeless, has attempted suicide several times and is in and out of a pysch hospital. My life couldn't be better; the DCs are happy, settled and nobody needs to walk on eggshells.

Leaving him was the best move I ever made, but what triggered it for me was finding out that the children of alcoholics are more likely to commit suicide.

Ok yellow, in that case, back at you. Serious question - how much do you think you have to drink to be an alcoholic? Would you call a mum who has a single glass of wine every night after her kids are in bed an alcoholic? Because there are plenty of MNers on here that do just that. Are they alcoholics?