How to cope day to day with a functional alcoholic?

[nerofiend]

My DH is just like many men in this country: nice guy, good job, good dad, one problem: he drinks nearly every day.

His drinking makes me very angry. He's not violent, but he can be sometimes grumpy and very lazy in the mornings. He'll never get up first to make me a cup of coffee, never breakfast together.

He comes late from work sometimes and his breath smells badly. He's obviously putting on weight because of the alcohol intake.

Please don't advise to leave him as I have nowhere to go, work part time, have no money, and I wouldn't put my children under the strain of a divorce as I went through it as a child and it really affected me.

I'm just angry and resentful at his alcoholism. His dad was an alcoholic too. I've talked to him about million times but nothing changes. He can't see he's got a problem as most of his colleagues drink twice as much.

What can I do to deal with my anger? It's really affecting our relationship.

We pretty much never get both sides do we, as it is usually only one partner posting on here. When someone says their partner is abusive, do you say 'what is his version'? So when someone says their husband is an alcoholic, why challenge that?

I think (caveat: my opinion only) when alcohol affects relationships it is a problem. It is a behaviour thing as much as actual consumption. So IMO if a single mother is sitting drinking a glass of wine a night, but that is all she thinks of for hours before the children are in bed, and she will get angry because they don't go to sleep early enough so she can have her fix, and ignores their crying to drink the wine - would that not be a problem, even if it is just one glass? The same as someone can habitually drink 3+ pints a day but is always a genuinely hands on relationship person, the drink/ing doesn't affect how they interact with their family and friends in any way or their ability to work, then that is not really a problem?

We all have been told many times that alcohol dependency is widespread in uk culture. Alcoholism is part of a spectrum.

Amount consumed is oNly one indicator of a problem, the drinker's feelings about having/not having a drink are another.

I don't think you can say an amount, each person is different, people react differently, people feel differently.

Mine was like this and I left. DC were v young, I wasn't working etc but honestly it such a relief to be shot of his moodiness and the fear of what might happen next. Of course we are all sad the marriage didn't last but the DC & I are much happier for having a stress free home. That surely has to be better than a home filled with tension. Don't kid yourself that you are staying for the children's sake. They deserve better than that.

Which is why I asked the OP to clarify. If she had come back and said "he has a glass of wine every night and gets drunk on Saturdays" I may have gently suggested that she was being a little over sensitive and some counselling may be in order, as that amount doesn't generally make someone an alcoholic.

Or if she had posted that she was a Mormon and he had a can of beer a week, I'd have been more forceful and told her that her religious upbringing had given her a skewed perspective and she needed to give her husband a break.

But if she had come back and said "He drinks 6 cans of beer every night and double that at the weekend" I'd have said she really didn't have a choice but to leave, for the sake of herself and the children.

I think that Abuse is different - it's easier to call for one thing (as an outsider that is). If someone posted "My husband calls me a cunt every night" it's very easy to say that is abuse and you HAVE to leave.

Contact Al Anon. It's a charity that supports the partners and families of alcoholics. It can probably help you with working through your feelings and your options for the future.

My mother is married to a functional alcoholic. She is 65 and he is 70. He is slowly drinking himself to death, while continuing to live an otherwise respectable life. He used to have a highly respected career in medicine until he retired. This is a life-long problem. Don't underestimate the long-term effect on you and your DC.

If you can't say an amount, what is the point of knowing the exact amount he drinks?

Presumably so we can all argue over whether he is or isn't an alcoholic. Yet amount is not really the issue.

Yet the person married to him has anger related to his drinking. So his drinking is a problem in that family.

She has already said he doesn't think it is a problem.

You seem attached to the idea it is related to volume consumed.

It isn't, it is about impact.

Redsky, very good, very measured post

I'm not here to argue yellow, I just think it would be useful for the OP to see that actually, he might not be an alcoholic.

Why is the husbands drinking a problem? Maybe it's the OPs anger that is the problem? Does she feel the same anger towards her kids when they do something she doesn't like?

If OP had said "my husband eats too much Haribo and it makes me angry" what then?

Anyway, like I said, I'm not here to argue. Your mind is obviously made up, so ill leave it there. Hopefully the OP will come back at some point and you will be able to help her. I'll bow out because I don't think I'm helping.

I grew up in this situation. Believe me taking your children away from this situation is your only option if you don't want to destroy your children's childhood. I was brought up by my mother who did the most wonderful job. We went from being wealthy to poor but I had the best upbringing from this point on.

For the other people questioning this -yes he is an alcoholic. Well done you for accepting this. He won't change, but you will move on and you you need to protect your children.

This is the voice of your children 20 years on. They will only thank you for what you did. Do it before they get damaged too. Be strong, you can do this and get lots of support.

It's not about the booze, it's about the behaviour.

Op - can you get to al-anon meetings? Or counselling? Even if it's not about the drink, I have a hunch that your situation would be much clearer if you had some space to think and talk about things like boundaries and expectations.

His drinking is causing a problem; his wife has talked to him about his drinking many times before now and its (unsurprisingly) made no difference whatsoever. His drinking it can be argued is detrimental to family life; his wife is certainly not happy and in turn children pick up on tensions within the home.

So how much alcohol is too much? The Department of Health recommends that women drink no more than 14 units of alcohol a week, and no more than three units in any one day (a 175ml glass of wine at 13 per cent is 2.3 units; a measure of spirits is one unit). After an episode of heavy drinking it is advised that you refrain from drinking for 48 hours to allow the body to recover. But William Shanahan, the medical director at the Capio Nightingale clinic, which offers treatment for addiction problems, says such guidelines are confusing.

It is not possible to state, he says, a single tipping point at which heavy drinking can be called alcoholism. 'It's important to remember that all alcohol is a poison, and that our bodies are only able to metabolise one unit an hour,' he says. 'Anything over that will damage your body. Most people hate the term "alcoholic" because they don't see themselves sitting on Hungerford Bridge with a brown paper bag. It's much more helpful to think of it in terms of "harmful drinking" and "dependent drinking" rather than simply as alcoholism. Drinking is harmful if it causes a problem in any area of your life. If, for example, your character changes for the worse after a few glasses of wine, you might not be dependent on alcohol but there is a problem and you do need to look at the way you drink. If it affects your work, leads you to have unsafe sex or results in mental problems such as depression, you definitely need help. Dependent drinkers find that life is not possible without a drink, and they also experience withdrawal symptoms or cravings for alcohol. This is equally a problem that needs medical help.'

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father and I believe that alcohol intake is fairly irrelevent. Alcoholics drink to function 'normally' they might not need much to do that but as they become accustomed to it like any drug they often need more. I've known alcoholics (from my Dads time in AA) who drank relatively small amounts but couldn't function without it and I knew and know very heavy drinkers who can take it or leave it. I think there is a clear distinction.

My fathers drinking scarred my life and he was a relatively well functioning alcoholic for a period of time until it deteriorated further. I think it inevitably will if he is alcoholic as opposed to a heavy drinker. My Mum didn't leave although in hindsight probably should have. From my perspective she made the wrong decision and my father nearly drank himself to death. He finally hit rock bottom (days from death) got to AA sobered up and stayed that way but the damage was done.

OP speak to Al anon they offer good support for families.From your description of your husbands drinking and his family history (alcoholism does run in families) I would say it's likely he is alcoholic and needs help but he's the only one who can seek it out I'm afraid. Surround yourself and your children with loving supportive family and friends and try to be strong. Staying for the children whilst honorable may be misguided, they are likely to be very aware of what is going on. My Mum tried to cover everything up but I knew exactly what was going on and still struggle to come to terms with it now.

I really hope things turn around for you and you and your husband get the help and support you need.xx

Bottom line is that if there is any aspect of one partner's behaviour that is upsetting, distressing, annoying or making the other partner unhappy in any way, then it is a very real problem and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet. Excess alcohol consumption is just one of many things that can set people against each other. Other examples would be carelessness with money, drug use, porn habits, ... the list is endless.

The onus is not on you (or anyone else) OP to 'cope' with bad behaviour. If you don't like the amount he drinks, the regularity he drinks, the amount he spends on booze, and/or don't like the way he behaves as a result then you're entitled to say so rather than bite your tongue and think you should tolerate it. Whether he changes depends entirely on him. What you choose to do if he can't or won't change depends entirely on you. There are always practical obstacles to any course of action.... don't let them become traps.

Good luck

Thank you very much everybody for your responses. I've taken note of all your replies and word of advice and really appreciate the time taken to look into my particular problem.

Of course a post is not enough to give a full picture of somebody's life. My DH is a very involved dad, in every way, and he's not abusive in any way. On the contrary, he's affectionate and thoughtful towards his family.

He had a very disruptive childhood, like I did, so we are very aware of the consequences of divorce, family dysfunctionality and instability.

He does drink nearly every day, and at least 4 glasses of wine. I think he needs it to function. He's good with money and involved in housework. Our life is not chaotic but I think it could be a lot better if the alcohol was completely out of the picture.

I cannot contemplate divorce at the moment for many reasons, one of them is that I've had quite a lot of change non stop for the last 20 years and can't cope with such an upheaval right now. But I take note of people's advice and experiences, and in the future, if things do not get better, I'll definitely look into that as an option.

Right now all I can do is concentrate on my own reaction to his drinking and try to manage those emotions. I'll look at Al anon webpages and see if they run a session in my area.

Considering that people drink so much in the UK, I wanted to find out how other partners, either wives or husbands, deal with someone who drinks a lot but functions normally.

I come from a Southern European background and I've never seen anybody in my family drink like that. I've spoken to his family but they think it's not a problem either and maybe hinted that the problem is my reaction to it.

I know I'm at crossroads between his behaviour and my reaction to it. I just need to find a way to cope with the here and now without making drastic decisions for the time being.

I would certainly talk to Al-anon in your particular circumstances so good on you for deciding to make contact with them. It would be worth your time. At the very least read the literature they publish.

Give yourself a time limit and stick to it. Do not however police his drinking because that way too madness lies.

Most people think that alcoholics are only those who swig meths from brown paper bags on park benches; short answer to that is no they are not.

How many times have you yourself had to make excuses for him re children (along the lines of daddy's too tired to play with you currently, you need to be quiet around daddy) home and his work?. Its a thorny question that you need to really think about. Is he really an involved and caring dad or would you just like to think that and hope against hope that he is?. He certainly does not sounds like an involved or caring DH towards you; he is frumpy and miserable likely because he is having a come down from the alcohol he's consumed.

How many people in your own circle (forget his family here for a minute because they are clearly not bothered) know of his dependent drinking?. Probably none or very few I daresay. Do you come to dread occasions like birthdays, weddings and Christmas or any occasion come to think of it where alcohol may be served because he could make a twat of himself?. Do you look at the amount of glass being recycled and think, "woah, thats an awful lot?".

You are actually caught up as much in his dependent drinking as he is, albeit in different ways. But you're affected by his behaviour and that shows in the ways you act at home. You've become his codependent. By turn your children pick up on this too. The choas at home is surfacing and you cannot protect your children from his alcoholism fully.

Think very carefully about your long term future with this man.

Actually talking to his own family was not one of your better ideas, they will always put him above you in any case. Also his Dad was an alcoholic and such behaviours can and do become normalised within families. They all likely tiptoed around and came to normalise your FILs behaviour.

Am I surprised to read that both of you had dysfunctional childhoods, well no actually. Many people have crap childhoods but they don't become alcoholics as a result;' your H was predisposed to this anyway given his alcoholic dad; alcoholism can be learnt behaviour as well as being genetically predisposed. Culture therefore has nothing to do with this at all. Another difference between you and he is that you did not turn to alcohol to numb the pain of same, he did. You are far stronger than he is or ever will be; he needs you though to prop him up hence the codependency because you could well think, "well if we leave, what will happen to him?".

"Considering that people drink so much in the UK, I wanted to find out how other partners, either wives or husbands, deal with someone who drinks a lot but functions normally. "

I'll tell you my story. My exH came from a family of relatively heavy drinkers, two of whom were alcoholics. He lost his mother at a relatively young age so he could also claim to have had a disrupted childhood.

Alcohol was a big part of his life. He drank to cheer himself up when down, to celebrate when happy, to relax when stressed, to be sociable, to be alone, out of habit .... basically any time. Most of the time he also functioned normally. However, over time this became less and less the case. His mood swings became worse, he became morose, emotionally abusive, short-tempered, and he was miserable to be around. After a few embarrassing incidents at work they treated him as a joke. Friends stopped calling round. He eventually had a serious car accident and was banned from driving.

I didn't like it but all the time, like you, I thought I should be a more understanding wife, 'manage my reaction', that he'd had a troubled youth, that at some point he'd quit drinking and be the nice guy he used to be. Any attempt on my part to get him to stop was met with accusations that I was a 'killjoy' and 'controlling'. Eventually he walked out to be with an OW who was more understanding...

If I had my time over again, I'd have got out far quicker. That's my advice to you.

Thank you, Attila and Cogito, for your honest replies.

Do you come to dread occasions like birthdays, weddings and Christmas or any occasion come to think of it where alcohol may be served because he could make a twat of himself?. Do you look at the amount of glass being recycled and think, "woah, thats an awful lot?"

Yes, absolutely. That's me. But the funny thing is, at weddings, for example, I am the one who ends up getting really irritated and who looks like the "feisty Latin spirited" woman, whereas people think he's just funny, or doing what every other guy at the party is doing: drinking himself stupid. That's why I think it's also a cultural problem. So the impression I get is that I'm mad whereas he's just being a normal British guy.

I have to say I don't cover up or make allowances for him. I'm not that kind of person. I confront him straight on his face, and now I'm beginning to think that that might be the problem.

He never drinks during the day so he's never drunk around the children. Actually, he doesn't act drunk either. He's just mellowed, drinking in front of the TV, for example.

You're absolutely right about not policing his drinking. I've stopped doing that as it was literally driving me insane.

Cogito, it's so sad that a relationship has to end because of the alcohol. Your experience is a big eye opener. I'm glad things worked out for you in the end.

It didn't end because of the alcohol, it ended because he found someone who didn't mind living with a piss-head.

We also had a serious disagreement about smoking. I thought he was a non-smoker because I met him when he'd quit. When he started up again, I hated it, he knew it, and he did it to spite me. Now many people live with a smoker, smoking isn't illegal, some don't have a problem with it. I do.

It's immaterial that other people get pissed at weddings..... if it annoys you, it annoys you. Be top priority in your own life. Put your needs first. No-one else will.

It didn't end because of the alcohol, it ended because he found someone who didn't mind living with a piss-head.

Well, I'm surely wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Would you have stayed with him if he hadn't found OW? Was the alcohol affecting you, or his personality changes because of it?

You see, in my case, I haven't seen a lot of personality changes. He can be a grumpy old fart, but as other posters said, people can be like that without the alcohol too. I'm not sure how much to blame the alcohol.

It's just that my instinct tells me drinking every day or nearly every day is wrong. I find it very hard to live with that. So yes, it does annoy me big time.

Also he's at work during the day so his children do not see him anyway.

They still see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him at home though and learn from that model you are showing them; it all gets taken in by children because you are both modelling to them what relationships are like and how they are conducted. They've heard you talk to him more than once about his levels of drinking. They also see him sitting there in front of the tv with alcohol in hand. He has developed a dependency on and tolerance to alcohol over many years but what you may have found is that he is drinking more and for longer to get that same effect he so desparately wants. He likely also thinks he does not have any sort of problem re alcohol because he still thinks he can control it. Alcoholics tend to be deep in denial as to their problem and he is also likely badly underestimating how much he is putting away.

Alcohol is a cruel mistress.

Am sure that some of your more perceptive friends feel a degree of pity for you almost because they can see all too clearly what yiour H is like with drink and may have their suspicions re him having a problem with alcohol. They won't likely say anything outright to you though out of fear of you either getting upset or going totally on the defensive. Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy.

Please talk to Al-anon, they can help you. You cannot help your H but you can certainly help you.

I think, like you, I'd got so used to living with his behaviour that my bar was set far too high to walk of my own volition. However, despite being together 12 years it's significant that we never had any DCs -not so much as a 'scare'. So did the alcohol affect me? Yes... I think it was a big part of why I didn't want his kids.

If it annoys you, it annoys you. Doesn't matter if it's trivial to others...

That's why I think it's also a cultural problem. So the impression I get is that I'm mad whereas he's just being a normal British guy.

This is a massive issue in this country, IMO. My functional alcoholic step-dad isn't all that different from most of my parents' friends. The middle class retired people in this country are, IME, a bunch of a bloody alcoholics. I grew up with that kind of drinking 'culture' so going to live in the USA for six years really opened my eyes to what a bunch of lushes people are in this country. It is absolutely culturally acceptable to be totally pissed at dinner parties, retirement parties, weddings, basically any kind of social occasion. When I see the dire predictions for the cost to the NHS of people's drinking it doesn't surprise me at all - it's a time bomb waiting to explode - and our generation is next.

I can't help but feel sad and irritated when I see the amount of ignorance that still exists around the illness of alcoholism and addiction.

It's 2013 and still most people seem not to even know what it is or how to go about diagnosing it.

As a recovering alcoholic and addict myself, perhaps I can help clear a few questions up...

How much does someone have to drink to be an alcoholic? How long is a piece of string? Alcoholism is not about quantities or frequency. I know heavy drinkers who drank more than their weekly unit daily. However they were not alcoholics because given serious enough reason, they were able to stop and stay stopped without help when they needed to. To use another extreme, I could drink just twice a year and I would still be a hopeless, actively addicted alcoholic. This is because once I start drinking, I cannot stop and stay stopped, without treatment and help.

Alcoholism is both a physical and mental illness. Physical because once the alcoholic takes a drink, it triggers off a physical craving - an allergy if you like - that renders them unable to stop. Therefore somebody who is consistently able to have just a few drinks and then stop, despite there still being some left in the bottle, is unlikely to be an alcoholic, even if they are doing it every single day. If I pick up one drink, the likelihood is that I will be unable to stop until I am incapable of drinking any more. I will steal, lie, and manipulate to obtain more alcohol if I have to. I will prioritise drinking above everything, even my own children. This isn't because I am a bad person, it is because as soon as I introduce any alcohol at all into my body I am in the grips of a compulsion which renders me utterly powerless.

The mental obsession then explains why people return to the bottle again and again, despite their drinking causing major upset in their life. This is the insanity of alcoholism. People lose the respect and trust of their families. Perhaps they lose their jobs or their children or their driving license. But despite all this, they continue to drink. Anyone in the least bit sane would say, 'Christ, look at all these dreadful consequences. I'd better stop drinking'. Not so the alcoholic. It doesn't matter whether they drink immediately the next day, or whether they wait six months before drinking again. The fact that they return to alcohol at all after their drinking has proved to be so problematic is the major indication of true addiction.

So to summarise, alcoholism is characterised by an inability to stop drinking, once having started, and a tendency to continue to drink despite ever more disastrous consequences.

I was not always a daily drinker. I occasionally went for periods of weeks or months without drinking. My tolerance was variable and certainly when I was not drinking daily it was low. Loads of non alcoholic people I knew could and did drink far more than I did.

Didn't stop my alcoholism from nearly killing me.

Thank you again for your words. It does help to hear people's views on alcohol consumption and habits.

Juneau, I agree with you. I think culture has a lot to answer for.

Fuckitthatlldo, I see your point, and agree with your description of addiction. I still think that drinking large amounts every day, even though not considered alcoholism as such, causes a lot of stress in a relationship.

I was reading the biography of Catherine of Aragon, Princess of Spain at the time, first wife of Henry VIII. Apparently, Henry VIII's mum advised her to get used to drinking wine instead of water before coming to England, as water wasn't of very good quality at the time and people used to drink beer or wine instead.

That opened my eyes to the fact that alcohol has been running in the blood of British people for so long, that it's understandable why drinking large quantities is not perceived as a problem by most people. I'm still to get used to this idea, and contemplate that the problem is the relation we have to alcohol and not the amounts themselves.

Unlike, Henry VIII, there's no Anne Boleyn around in this marriage, but alcohol, as said before, is a cruel mistress, and I can only hope that this will not lead to our eventual divorce.

Gosh yes, I'm sure it can. I didn't mean to minimise what you are going through.

Just wanted to clear up what alcoholism itself was, as lots of posters didn't seem to have much of an idea.

Also, drinking large or even just moderate amounts every day can sometimes tip into full blown alcoholism too, especially if the person comes to rely on the drink as a means to feel better. Some alcoholics share in meetings that while they once did have an 'off switch', somewhere along the line they lost it. Lots of alcoholics started as moderate or heavy drinkers and then crossed the line at some point. And some, like me, were born alcoholics and had no control around alcohol from the first time they picked up.

The end result is always the same once that line is crossed