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Original poster

He's a bit too fecking 'nice'?!

70 replies

aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 20:45

I've met this guy, friend of a friend, in January. We got on really well when we met because we just took the piss out of each other and had a lot of laughs as a result. My friend describes him as a diamond, which he is, because he's so bloody lovely and loyal.

He emails/texts every day, telling me how lovely I am, calling me beautiful and wishing me a lovely day/sweet dreams etc. He is consistently lovely to me. He's sensitive and really helped out my flatmate when she was extremely stressed about work - she thinks he's great. He is thinking about retraining as a counsellor, which I think he'd be great as as he has a high level of emotional intelligence.

Problem is, these days I feel like I'm on a bit of a pedestal - he seems to have really fallen for me - and when he's so lovely he can be, well, a bit boring.

Am I being too harsh? i've told him to stop being so lovely all the time as I will end up being a bit unkind (I know myself well enough to know I need a bit of a challenge) - which he does to varying success so far.

So, collective wisdom of MN - what do you think?

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 22/03/2013 20:48

What do you want out of a relationship? What kind of stage are you at?

Why would you want a challenge?

I went through a number of boyfriends before meeting dh. He was the one who never ever made me cry, or wait for a phonecall, or stress me out. He was consistent, reliable, loyal and put me first. And I, was worth that.

MidnightMasquerader · 22/03/2013 20:49

So all the relationships that have been a 'bit of challenge'...

How did they pan out for you?

milktraylady · 22/03/2013 20:51

You are daft waiting for a disaster to happen!
Give him a chance Grin

KoalaFace · 22/03/2013 20:53

Hello! Are all other areas good for you? Fancy him, have a laugh, etc?

Its hard to know if its a personality clash in that he is very demonstrative and lovey dovey and you not so much. Or if you're just not used to being treated well. What does your gut tell you? Do you instinctively feel you're a good match?

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 20:53

I guess I expect a challenge. They've not worked out well..

Is it too sickly too be so nice though - or can I just relax and enjoy it then? I've not been great at long term relationships. He never makes me stress or wait or wonder, I'm constantly reassured about how lovely he thinks I am.

I feel like Groucho Marx.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 22/03/2013 20:56

If you've always picked the challenging ones in the past, then maybe it's time to try a different type.

Worked for meWink

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 20:56

I think he's great. He has indie tastes (oh I sound like a teenager) but he is interesting and interested in things. I earn more than him, but have just quit my job so that might change.

He's very tactile, I'm pretty tactile, but i like a good joke and he's being a bit too soft for my liking. I don't want to get bored.

I stayed at his last night and did the commute to work - he got out of bed and walked me to the station (10 mins walk) at 6.30am even though he didn't have to leave until 7.45am.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 22/03/2013 20:57

I have felt weird early on in relationships in the past, because you agree to get together and there's this sudden change from friendship to loads of affection - I think I take a while to adjust.

How much time apart do you get to enjoy your own interests and carry on with the rest of your life? Take things slowly, so that if it feels a bit stifling, you get a break from him.

MidnightMasquerader · 22/03/2013 20:58

Exactly. The previous relationships didn't work out well.

Instead of expecting/preferring a man with 'challenging' tendencies, why not try something else and at least give it a chance?

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 21:01

Right - if you keep doing the same things, you'll get the same result.

I really do have my own life - I just fear he doesn't and depends on me too much. He keeps telling his mates and family about this great girl he's met, whereas I'm just taking it sllooooooowww.

I fancy him when he's not so sickly sweet and has his own things going on, less so when I feel he is too indiscriminate. I think I'm just not quite experienced enough in LTR to know if this is what nice men are really like or if it's just annoying.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 22/03/2013 21:03

Give it time.

Where there's an issue is if the person is too wet/dependent etc as there's a difference to being soppy and having high needs for some reason (usually a past experience).

If he's nice and soppy but has his own interests & isn't trying to live in your pockets etc then what you're looking at is a normal healthy relationship.

Enjoy! Smile

StarlightMcKenzie · 22/03/2013 21:03

Challenging is fun and exciting, but a bloody nightmare when you're trying to share childcare arrangements, mortgage payments and build a home.

If you're not ready for that then go be wild and promiscuous. But believe me, you'll be grateful for a not-so-challenging partner when you settle down.

bigTillyMint · 22/03/2013 21:04

TBF, no-one would ever describe DH as sickly sweet and my ex who was way more romantic, etc, developed into quite a controlling character.

Do you think he might become controlling, or is he a bit boring or is he just in love with you?

CognitiveOverload · 22/03/2013 21:04

He wont always be like that...but its a grear starting point. Relationships tend to bring their own challenges...you won't need extra from him...

TheOrchardKeeper · 22/03/2013 21:07

(I said the bit about being too dependent because my mum's ex husband had issues in that way due to being in care for a short period when he was small. He was the nicest guy ever and didn't do anything wrong but as time progressed the few interests he had were dropped. He always agreed with everything she said, even if she knew he didnt really agree etc. It took her a while to realize that whilst he was the nicest man she'd ever dated it was driving her up the wall. She felt too responsible for his happiness too. I'm well aware it may not be the case with this guy but thought i'd weigh in in case you're wondering the same sort of thing about this guy. Give it time anyway and it'll become more apparent either way).

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 21:10

He's just in love with me, that much is clear. And I'm not quite there yet.

I don't think he's controlling at all. I've got a narc family and have had a seriously narc boyfriend, this guy is completely different.

I just don't know if being in love with me is what it is, or if he is just a bit boring.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 22/03/2013 21:10

At the grand old age of 52. I would caution against the sparky challenging ones. They were my bag too. And I married one. But they are hard work. Often more messed up than you know. And selfish.

Nobody likes an h who is a challenge when they have three kids. and many men don't grow out of it.

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 21:11

Orchard that's my fear. I don't want to be his hobby and his interests.

OP posts:
defineme · 22/03/2013 21:11

Is it because you feel you don't deserve a lot of affection?

Is it because you think affection is weak?

Is it because you're scared of commitment generally?

Walking you to the station is a lovely thing to do.

However, if you feel smothered then you need to let him know. Perhaps he's being full on because he's panicking as you're giving him the message that you're not that interested?

I married my dh because he didn't play games, he put me first, he's strong, loyal and felt free to express his emotions/feelings.

Perhaps you need to be on your own for a bit and consider yourself and relationships-why you are the way you are and what you're looking for.

TheOrchardKeeper · 22/03/2013 21:12

Oh and what they've all said! ^

If he's not too dependent or reliant on you for his happiness then you reach out and grab it before it's gone and you realize what you've lost! You're one very lucky lady if he is just a goodun Smile

bigTillyMint · 22/03/2013 21:13

I'd say just take it as it comes - it sounds great ATM, but if he becomes more wet/boring, etc, you can finish it then?

rubyredbeau · 22/03/2013 21:13

I met a man like this op, i can say thankfully he has been husband for the last 11 years and we have two fab kids together! Still going strong and he is as nice and kind as he was on day one!

Original poster
aroomofherown · 22/03/2013 21:16

Define thanks for your post. I have had a lot of time on my own (I'd rather be on my own than have to face, I don't know, the mirror that relationships are) and had 2 years of counselling to sort through narc-family issues.

Your DH describes this fella. Just avery very new experience to me, not sure what to make of it all. Maybe he is panicking a bit, not thought of that.

Consensus seems to be 'give it time', then?

OP posts:
StarlightMcKenzie · 22/03/2013 21:17

My DH was lovely and at the time it felt a lot more 'into' the relationship that me, but that was we were coming at it from different perspectives.

I dated for fun, to find out, to see where it went.

He had had a very controlling girlfriend and vowed never to date again. However, when he met me he spent 18 months considering whether or not to ask me out. When he did, he meant it. He'd made the decision that I was for life. It was a bit of a shock.

It took a while for our two 'perspectives' to shake down and sort themselves out. I was taken aback when in week two he showed me the wardrobe he had emptied for my stuff Shock.

But he's not a smotherer. He has his own interests, life and views on things.

CognitiveOverload · 22/03/2013 21:17

Perhaps you just aren't used to it...don't give up on him for treating you well...