He's a bit too fecking 'nice'?!

[aroomofherown]

I've met this guy, friend of a friend, in January. We got on really well when we met because we just took the piss out of each other and had a lot of laughs as a result. My friend describes him as a diamond, which he is, because he's so bloody lovely and loyal.

He emails/texts every day, telling me how lovely I am, calling me beautiful and wishing me a lovely day/sweet dreams etc. He is consistently lovely to me. He's sensitive and really helped out my flatmate when she was extremely stressed about work - she thinks he's great. He is thinking about retraining as a counsellor, which I think he'd be great as as he has a high level of emotional intelligence.

Problem is, these days I feel like I'm on a bit of a pedestal - he seems to have really fallen for me - and when he's so lovely he can be, well, a bit boring.

Am I being too harsh? i've told him to stop being so lovely all the time as I will end up being a bit unkind (I know myself well enough to know I need a bit of a challenge) - which he does to varying success so far.

So, collective wisdom of MN - what do you think?

[aroomofherown]

RubyRed so they don't necessarily get boring?

Tilly (Ps have always wondered about your name, love it, where did it come from?) that's it! I think he's really fun, and has loads of fun with his mates, but with me he's a little wet. So I need to find out which is which.

[nkf]

Having married and divorced a very high maintenance driven man, I don't think I would ever take on another challenge. Sweet and kind sound perfect. And you say boring? After a while, the dramas get boring.

[aroomofherown]

Some lovely stories here.

He's travelling 90 mins tonight to come and see me, should be arriving soon. will see how it goes. I've said he has to start taking the piss again.

[Happymum22]

I remember my first serious boyfriend when I was 17 was just this- too nice and too lovestruck. I took it for granted and always felt like you, it was just a bit too easy and I never had to work for him. I lacked confidence so thought he would fall for anyone and maybe he was desperate.
Anyway I got over this and we had a long and happy relationship but it did hang in my mind sometimes and altered the way I treated him. Sometimes I found him trying too hard that I withdrew, making him try harder, making me even more put off!
I did adore him and have never since been treated so well by anyone.
I dumped him when I went to uni. He found another lovely and very pretty girl a year later, I remained single for quite some time but happy and needed time being alone due to other things that happened in my life.
But a few years later I saw him with other old friends in a bar, he was just wonderful and having been with a few other boys, but none of them ever being clear or forward and no one ever really chasing me, I realised how incredibly well he has treated me and how much he had meant to me. I really began to fancy him again but it was too late. I had learnt the hard way how great he was from never finding nyone who matched up. I am now over him!! I just look back and realise what a life lesson it was that I had such a great boy so early and I wish I had valued him more.

I am now over him..just to put that in there!.. I just admire what a nice guy he was even at the age of 17/18 when most guys aren't so lovely.

So hang on in there and really really try to remember and appreciate how lucky you are to have a great caring guy who would do anything to protect you.. They are SO rare!!! He deserves you to respect and give him the same chance.

[bigTillyMint]

aroom TillyMint was my father's pet name for me (Scouse term of endearment) but it was taken so I added big!

Are his mates nice? If they are, then he's a keeper

[aroomofherown]

Happymum sorry to hear you learnt the hard way. Good point about him deserving me to respect him and give him the same chance. I am so guarded and prepared to cut people loose, good to hear. I can be a bit callous at times.

You really think this type of guy is rare?!

[aroomofherown]

Tilly - nice name! I haven't met his mates yet. I've been holding back, although they (obviously) know all about me and his family are keen to meet me. Heck!

[Lueji]

After a while, the dramas get boring.

Worse, exhausting.

[ElegantSufficiency]

Is he good company though? if he is, and you dont want him, can i have him? :-p

[ElegantSufficiency]

I dont want drama either. done with that. want somebody i can count on to be good company and decent

[Snazzynewyear]

Wanting to take things slowly is fine, wanting him to be less 'nice' or 'wet' is a different matter and, in my view, short sighted. Don't mistake drama and self-centredness for being interesting and exciting.

[melbie]

I think it is really hard when you are used to men being a bit shit because it feels strange having someone like you that much. You are used to having to "work" for it and so a normal healthy relationship is alien. But give him time and it will start to feel less weird and all lovely

[ike1]

I'll solve the problem for you....hand him over to me!

[tightfortime]

This is very interesting. Found myself in similar situation last year. After a EA marriage, I was happy dating a few bad boys. Then along came mr nice guy.

Similar piss take at start as I wasn't interested in serious. He persevered. I treated him fairly casually to say the least. Eventually, he asked me to forget the bad boys and give us a chance.

I agreed. I got to know him. Still am.

Turns out mr nice guy is really a gent. But with a wicked fun side I only saw once he got comfortable around me and relaxed the 'perfect man' facade.

He's still fab but I love that he was way more than I ever gave him credit for. Trusting not controlling. Interested but not in my face.

I have blossomed and so has he. So far, so good.

I'd give him a chance xx

[Lavenderhoney]

He treats you well, he is kind, you can get on with work, living, anything without worrying he is off on a bender, worrying about a row, worrying he hasn't sent a text, stressing he is with his ex who is a " friend" etc etc

This to me is what relationships are about. It's supposed to be nice and easy:)
Don't try to make him a nightmare and hardwork! You might scare him off or worse, get your wish..

He sounds nice, relax and enjoy it:)

[TheRealFellatio]

I think if you have met 'the one' then there is no such thing as either of you being 'too nice' to the other. There is no need for mind games, no need to play it cool and no need to make someone work at it. You need to get past the idea that the only kind of man worth having is one you've had to conquer and tame.

If you find his niceness a bit off-putting and smothering then he clearly isn't the one.

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

You sound as though you are just not that into him tbh.

I've been lucky, I have had several proper nice guy boyfriends. The only one who I didn't find irritating or dull was DH because i liked him as much as he liked me although he is way too much into PDA's than me

[RedBushedT]

If you're not used to being treated well then it can take a fair bit of adjustment to allow yourself to relax.
I've been properly dating DP just over a year now and I still struggle sometimes with accepting how much he cares and wants to be there for me.
Just give it time. What's the rush?

[Dahlen]

Nice does not equal boring. If the problem is that he's too nice, the problem is with your view of relationships.

However, if he is boring because he doesn't do much on his own and is dependent on you for his happiness, that's a valid reason to call things off.

[mrfrancis82]

This kind of thing is why I will never understand women.

The girls who say 'he's too nice' end up going out with absolute pricks who hit them/cheat on them, but then again it is quite a challenge to cover up a black eye at work.

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

I have been out with plenty of nice men, I have also been out with some complete wet pushovers. That is not attractive to anyone.

I'm sure DH is with me because I am kind and considerate sometimes towards him whilst have a mind of my own. I am sure I would have been less attractive to him had I gazed at him saying "whatever you think dear".

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

When you say 'I've told him he has to start taking the piss again', what do you mean?

I feel a bit sorry for this guy, he is treating you really well and sounds lovely - and you are picking at him and telling him to treat you less well??

Don't ruin his self-esteem just so that you get your 'challenging', dramatic and screwed up relationship to be angst-ridden about.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

In fact scratch that, I feel a LOT sorry for this guy.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

Ali- I took it to mean that she wants a bit more of the banter she says they had when they first met, a bit of teasing taking the piss, not letting her down, etc.

I get what you mean when you say you need that. I can really like someone, but would always take the piss if they did something stupid- just my personality. I would hate it if I felt they were going to be mortally offended by that, and had to watch my reactions all the time.

[pictish]

Hmmm....

Are we not always telling women on here that it's ok to not want to remain in a relationship for any reason?

I think what the OP describes sounds quite smothering and intense. She suspects he's piling all his eggs into her basket, even though she hasn't quite invited him to do so yet. She only met him in January!
Something is telling her no. Her not-too-sure-about-this prickles are up.

She suspects she is about to become his crutch. That much is obvious to me.