why do i want to sabotage my relationship?!?

[DazedAndConfused42]

right, please don't think i'm an utter cow but i have in the past cheated on pretty much all my ex's. the only person i have remained truly faithful to is DP but think i'm sabotaging this relationship too.

Things have moved very fast for us, DD was born only just short of us being together for 2 years and she is now 14 months. Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary and it was really incredibly dull. DP cooked a lovely meal but we didn't sit at the table, we just sat in front of the tv as per usual (DD was in bed and it was meant to be a nice romantic night but it didn't happen).

Aside from that though, my mind is going mental with all these thoughts of cheating and leaving DP to find someone new. But deep down in my heart i know i never ever want to leave him, he is the only person i have ever truly loved.
He does have some issues though, he has a very short fuse and is currently trying to deal with his anger problem. He is making progress and on the outside things seem to be looking up for us but on the inside i am in turmoil.

I couldn't speak to him about my feelings as he has always said i'll probably just cheat on him like i have everyone else, but i have always been determined to not let that happen. But there's still something in my stupid head that wants that excitement of doing something 'wrong' or naughty. It is getting out of hand. I don't think i would ever do anything physically with anyone other than my DP any more but just the other day i was fantasising about sexting my sort of ex (it was always a casual thing with this guy so i know he would respond to the sexting). I keep fantasising about doing things with old lovers and old friends all the time and it's even getting in to my dreams!!! What can i do to stop this? i don't want to ruin this relationship, my DP is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we have a beautiful daughter together and i want us to remain together for very long time. So why can't i get these thoughts out of my head?!!

Doesn't sound to me like you're sabotaging anything. Fortunately, we are not yet held to account for our thoughts.

The only think I'd criticise you on is not insisting that you sit down at the table and make a more romantic occasion of your anniversary. But by the same token, why couldn't your DP do the same?

My biggest concern here is his anger and accusing you of wanting to be unfaithful. Both are big red flags. Combine that with te speed at which your relationship has moved and a lack of romantic attention from him and it's almost like he's setting you up for a fall.

By all means seek to address your past behaviour but don't make the mistake of thinking it's responsible for all the ills in your current relationship. It may be the case that the current relationships is actually making you revert back to old ways of thinking because you're unhappy and it's a sort of messed up coping mechanism. Be wary of being manipulated.

You have to discuss this with your DP, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. All you have to say is that you're unhappy because you feel unloved/undesirable etc rather than saying you're fantasising about other men.

I agree with Dahlen there 100%.

I think you're having these thoughts because your relationship is unhappy, owing to your dh' 'anger' problem.

Can I ask? Does anyone else suffer the brunt of his anger problem? His mum, his friends, his colleagues? Is he angry and short fused around other people?

Great advice there from dahlen

Incidentally, how does he know you cheated on all your previous partners ?

"I couldn't speak to him about my feelings as he has always said i'll probably just cheat on him like i have everyone else"

When you are living with someone who has a 'short fuse' (by which I understand he gets irrationally angry at the slightest thing) you are constantly modifying everything you say and do so as not to annoy them. The effect is that you become repressed, trapped, stressed and frightened to be yourself. Your self-esteem is already low, you regard yourself as a failure because of your past relationships. Other people in bad relationships might self-medicate with alcohol or drugs in an effort to relax and be themselves. You're fantasising about other people.

I think you need to reassess things. You talk about 'love' but everything you describe sounds like you have severe doubts, are not happy, and are desperately trying to convince yourself he's the best you can do.

When I was in my 20s, I cheated on all my boyfriends. At the time I thought there was something really wrong with me, self-destructive, how could I cheat on men I loved so much?

In hindsight, I see that they really weren't the right people for me. As much as I loved them, there were important ways in which we weren't compatible, or they weren't always very nice, or something else that was wrong.

You say that you love your DP and you want to make this work -- that's very different from saying that he makes you very happy, that he treats you well, etc. It doesn't sound like things are all that great, with his 'issues' going on. So at some level you are wanting to escape, even though you keep telling yourself he has to be the one for you.

Maybe it is too simplistic, but I think when you really are with the right person, you don't dream of cheating on them. That at least has been my experience.

x-post with Cogito -- I agree, the fantasies are a form of self-medicating.

its actually quite out of character for him not to be romantic. he usually lavishly complements me, buys me flowers and pays me attention all the time, sometimes it actually gets too much. it's like he's trying too hard to please me and i'm not sure why. On the other hand he also gropes me all the time and constantly makes sexual comments, which does my head in!

i did wonder if these thoughts are a symptom of a much larger problem but we have some really good times together, then other times its really shit. It seems like its one extreme or the other and again i'm not sure why. His anger seems to be improving for the time being and i am trying to support him but it is hard. Especially when he does something i see as totally irrational and i tell him so, it just makes him worse. His mum has been on the receiving end of his anger occasionally (he blames her as the catalyst for most of his problems) but mostly its me on the receiving end. Like i said though, he does want to change and it is improving.

He doesn't want to change. Why would he? He dishes out verbal abuse. Mum gets the blame... you get the blame.... But you still support him and presumably Mum's still there, taking it on the chin. Why on earth should he change when it's everyone else's fault?

Groping and sexual comments that you don't want.... that's a form of sexual abuse. That's not the action of someone who loves and respects you as a human being.

Buying flowers is easy. Means nothing. Being a decent human being, taking responsibility for his actions, curbing his temper, treating you with respect and not giving you a life that is 'really shit' a lot of the time..... he can't do that.

Eeuww! He gropes and letches! And he's bad tempered and couldn't be arsed with your anniversary?

I think you should sabotage this relationship. Sooner the better!

Oh dear, I hope you're ok. It must be exhausting with P's volatile moods and then with you having inner stress wondering why you're thinking about other men.

your circumstances will be so familiar to many people, honestly. But of course your workmate or mum at school isn't going to reveal that, is she?

ive said it a few times recently but is he having counselling for anger? If you bought him "how to overcome anger and irritability" from amazon, would he be annoyed or glad to read it?

There is only so much you can put up with, isn't there?

How angry/moody does it get at home? Do you feel worn down by him?

Yeah...he reckons flowers buy him the rights to grope you.

Anyway...if he is able to curb his temper around everyone else, it's not an anger problem he has, it's an abuse problem. He doesn't curtail his temper around you because he doesn't think he has to...he sees it as your role to suck it up, along with his mother. You'll be to blame for his behaviour as well no doubt.

Here's the thing...no one is responsible for how he behaves, except himself. If he is able to control himself and behave decently with the rest of the world, then you can totally expect the same level of respect yourself. It is not a wife's role to absorb her husband's bad behaviour, despite what he thinks.

Especially when he does something i see as totally irrational and i tell him so, it just makes him worse.

Yes...that's very telling. Abusive people punish those who dare to stand up to them, by reating so badly and creating such a shit storm, that they are frightened to do so again. Just how they like it.

he has a book called 'how to beat anger' or something. it seems to be helping!
he also tries to curb the groping and sexual comments but it seems like that's just a part of who he is and he finds it hard to stop his mind going in that direction all the time :/ i think he thinks the sexual comments are meant to be flattering to me in some way as i turn him on but i think he is permanently horny, not sure how he is going to stop that as he has always had a very high sex drive and his mind seems to get taken up with it. i think he may need counselling of some form or another...

tbh his mum is a problem, she does both our heads in but he takes it very badly. but that's another story!

I don't know what to do about it really apart from just see how things go. Maybe if he manages to change in the ways he says he wants to then maybe things will get better.

The anniversary thing actually wasn't that big a deal i don't think. We went out at the weekend for it and were just meant to have a nice romantic day on the actual day but it just didn't happen. He cooked a nice meal but he does that most nights he's here anyway (he works evenings/nights).

Thanks for all the replies by the way, much appreciated :)

he also tries to curb the groping and sexual comments but it seems like that's just a part of who he is and he finds it hard to stop his mind going in that direction all the time

Is he an intelligent adult man, or is he a unneutered dog?

Of course he can help it. He is not at the mercy of his urges. He is in full control of how he behaves and how he treats others. He just intrinsically doesn't really believe he should have to show you any respect or consideration. What he wants is more important.

dazed, i hope you are happy, that's all. sometimes things tick over and they blow up. repeat that a few more times and its a big problem, no? it could come to a major head and them some big decisions have to be made. i speak from experience here.
i hope you and P get on a steady even keel but obv expect some "normal" little snipes. people can't be perfect 100% of the time.

also, its a big+ve that he wants to adress his issues. hope it goes well.

Dazed! There is nothing wrong with you and you are not being a cow for having fantasies. You just like a lot of variety and that's probably been one of your driving forces in life :-) He might be angry for a variety of reasons and one might simply be that he is terrified of losing you which is also probably one he is "smothering you with comments, groping and presents! He might not admit that he is scared cause he is probably a very "manly" man and when he is saying to you that you will probably cheat on him anyway that's a self-defending mechanism protecting himself from being hurt. You said that when you two are good you are very good and that's the most wonderful part of it and also one that needs to be cherished and developed. I have not met a couple who have no challenges in their relationships and I believe it is the problems that make people stronger. You have a beautiful daughter together and so even more of a reason to make this relationship work :-)

thank you barbaraw and catsndogs, your posts make a lot of sense to me.
i am kind of pleased i have not text said ex-guy already, as in my last relationships, the moment it starts to go awry then i'm interested in other men. but this relationship was different from the start, i knew it was special. i suppose its only normal have thoughts like this when things are going not so well. but i don't suppose its normal to act on those thoughts! or maybe it is, i have no idea! i want to work through these bad times. there was once a time when DP did not get angry, but then i think we were having a lot more sex :/
i sometimes wonder if all DP's issues stem from his ridiculous need for sex all the time....

I think this relationship can still be special if you both work on it. It's never a one-way thing. You said there was once a time when DP did not get angry. What was different then to now? You mentioned his "ridiculous" need for sex, Does it mean his need has increased compared to the past or is it that you don't have as much sex as you did before. You said your little precious is now 14 months old, so I imagine that she takes quite a lot of your time and attention. Is it possible that DP feels he is not as important to you as he used to be or feels secretly slightly jealous that you are not giving him as much attention as you used to? Regarding your thoughts, I would say you are spot on, it is completely normal to have them and well done for not acting on those thoughts. That only shows your personal strength and commitment to this relationship. Just as a thought think of what has changed in your relationship from your own perspective, what is it that you love so much about DP and what makes this relationship special? What has changed in the relationship for you personally that might contribute to your thinking about other men?

i sometimes wonder if all DP's issues stem from his ridiculous need for sex all the time....

That is a fucked-up view. Men do not "need" sex like they need oxygen or food. Blaming his anger on a frustrated sex drive is excusing verbal abuse. You really need to get your head straight on that.

Excusing men who get "angry" when they don't get enough sex ? Think about what a slippery slope that is. Would it justify sexual assault, if he was "deprived" for long enough ?

Think on.

I certainly don't believe that the problems in relationships make them stronger, or that you should put up with shit because you have a kid together. I also don't think for one minute, that his maltreatment of you is down fear of losing you. Whether or not he's a manly man, he still needs to employ manners and respect for you both emotionally and physically. Manly man is fuck all to do with it...even knuckleheads need to behave.

In fact - I think that barbaraw's advice there is a good example of the sort of shite women tell themselves to justify staying in a shit relationship.

However, it's obviously what you want to hear, so I'll just wish you all the best of luck with your bad tempered, gropey, misogynistic partner.

Wouldn't you want to go and seek good relationship counselling for you both separately and together before this goes any further?

I am also very uncomfortable reading Barbaraw's advice, which basically boils down to "suck it up, woman, if you want to keep your man" and "men will be men...what can you do ? < passive shoulder shrug > ..."

Interestingly, you have latched onto this, OP.

I expect you don't like what I have to say, or what Pictish has to say, one little bit, do you ?

@pictish- Dazed mentioned she was having some challenges with her thoughts and fantasies and also mentioned that DP has some issues with anger. I totally agree that he needs to respect Dazed emotionally and physically and I didn't quite see anywhere that he is abusive. If I did miss that, then I apologise to Dazed for missing that comment! All I'm saying here is that just because somebody gets angry a lot does not necessarily mean they are abusive. My comments express my opinion and not "advice" and I'm certainly not justifying anyone's behaviour. Just providing my own perspective. I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship especially if they have children.

I agree-the two people who confirmed (wrongly) that your relationship is basically okay, were Barbaraw's and CatZ 'n Dogs-and they are the one's you said made sense to you. Actually you've been getting a lot of good sense from other people-yet you seem to be side stepping it.