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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why do i want to sabotage my relationship?!?

65 replies

DazedAndConfused42 · 20/03/2013 14:37

right, please don't think i'm an utter cow but i have in the past cheated on pretty much all my ex's. the only person i have remained truly faithful to is DP but think i'm sabotaging this relationship too.

Things have moved very fast for us, DD was born only just short of us being together for 2 years and she is now 14 months. Yesterday was our 3 year anniversary and it was really incredibly dull. DP cooked a lovely meal but we didn't sit at the table, we just sat in front of the tv as per usual (DD was in bed and it was meant to be a nice romantic night but it didn't happen).

Aside from that though, my mind is going mental with all these thoughts of cheating and leaving DP to find someone new. But deep down in my heart i know i never ever want to leave him, he is the only person i have ever truly loved.
He does have some issues though, he has a very short fuse and is currently trying to deal with his anger problem. He is making progress and on the outside things seem to be looking up for us but on the inside i am in turmoil.

I couldn't speak to him about my feelings as he has always said i'll probably just cheat on him like i have everyone else, but i have always been determined to not let that happen. But there's still something in my stupid head that wants that excitement of doing something 'wrong' or naughty. It is getting out of hand. I don't think i would ever do anything physically with anyone other than my DP any more but just the other day i was fantasising about sexting my sort of ex (it was always a casual thing with this guy so i know he would respond to the sexting). I keep fantasising about doing things with old lovers and old friends all the time and it's even getting in to my dreams!!! What can i do to stop this? i don't want to ruin this relationship, my DP is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we have a beautiful daughter together and i want us to remain together for very long time. So why can't i get these thoughts out of my head?!!

OP posts:

izzyizin · 20/03/2013 21:37

O dear, Taking this together with your last thread, it's not looking good, is it?

i think/hope he knows that if he is aggressive again i will just leave, that's that

I hope you are true to your word.

barbaraw · 20/03/2013 21:57

I really find it difficult to understand why human beings seem to like to get so hung up on the negative. I must admit I did not see any past threads of this and this is my first time participating in a thread discussion, but even if there were some previous posts from the same person and there are some differences or even if the opinions expressed there were to be completely the opposite, why do people feel the need to bring it up? Have you never experienced change of opinions? do you believe the same things you believe in when you were 5? Have you ever felt feelings that are totally opposite in nature or having one opinion on one day and a totally different one the other day (often after gaining some more insight of information)? We are all only humans and therefore by nature bound to have opposite emotions and very often conflicting ones too! I myself sometimes feel love and hate at the same time or might want to cry and laugh all at the same time!

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 22:02

Thanks for the lecture on human nature, barb, but rest assured it isn't required and comes across as patronising.

You do it your way, let others do it theirs. That is the nature of a public website. Ask for opinions, you might hear some diverse ones, or stuff that is difficult to hear.

A whitewash, or pats on the head about "how you felt when you were 5yo" is one approach but not one I could offer in all conscience.

barbaraw · 20/03/2013 22:13

That was not a lecture but more of a rhetorical question and I am totally "letting others do it their way" as you have wonderfully put it. I do understand the nature of a public website, but once again I don't understand the need to "getting on somebody's case" the minute they say something that might be contradictory to what they said in the past. I believe there is quite a difference between having an opinion and passing judgment, but it seems we might need to agree to disagree on this one.

pictish · 20/03/2013 22:13

Is that the clutching of straws I hear?

We get hung up on the negative barb, because the negative kinda makes a relationship suck, y'know? You can sweep it under the carpet to lurk if you like...some of us would rather put it to bed and be done.

The OP is not enjoying her marriage to this aggressive, controlling, sexually predatory, angry man....so we are focusing on the negative.
Sorry to get hung up man!

pictish · 20/03/2013 22:15

Oh and guess what....she thinks it's her at fault!

barbaraw · 20/03/2013 22:23

@pictish - I know relationships can suck and believe me I have had a fair share of relationship pain, but that doesn't mean that I believe that every relationship sucks or that I need to be focusing on the negative in other people's relationships (especially those I don't have a clue about).
Going back to the subject of hostile language and passing judgment how can you call anyone aggressive, controlling, sexually predatory and angry. Have you ever met him or had a chance to experience any of these directly from him?

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 22:27

OP has told us he is all those things

Don't you believe her ?

barbaraw · 20/03/2013 22:32

I believe her, but I have not heard her use any of these words when describing her partner, so that's why I'm questioning you making that judgment about somebody you don't even know.

pictish · 20/03/2013 22:34

Aggressive - the OP has previously stated that she finds her partner's manner aggressive.

Controlling - when someone makes it impossible for their partner to express their dismay at aggressive or upsetting conduct that they are being subjected to, by throwing a shit fit in retaliation, that may be considered controlling.
Finding oneself walking on eggshells for fear of triggering an unpleasant reaction, is being controlled.

Sexually predatory - he gropes and demands, and punishes the OP for non compliance by attributing his aggressive behaviour to lack of sex. It takes two to tango...if you want to have sex, you have to be the sort of partner your loved one wants to have sex with. It's pretty simple.

Angry - he has a short fuse. Only with the OP and his mother though...because after all, it's all their fault.

Listen to what she is telling us. Even with all the platitudes and excuses, and assurances of how wonderful he really is....the fact is...that ^ shit there is what is going down.
No relationship is worth that, when you can just as easily not have any of it at all.
Healthy relationships don't feature these problems.

ClippedPhoenix · 20/03/2013 22:35

OP he's not "special" he's an arse.

The bads bits should be enough surely?

barbaraw · 20/03/2013 22:55

I am responding to what I read and I have not seen her anywhere describing her partner behaviour the way you have done above. I am not providing excuses or assurances to anyone. You need to see things how they are, but not worse then they are because the truth is we don't know what is really going on, so only Dazed knows what really is happening and also only from her perspective. I agree that no relationship is worth suffering, but I don't believe there are relationships that don't go through"hard times" and just because there are some challenges does not mean you should just pack up and not have any of it at all. In all relationships there are times when one or both spouses behave in an aggressive manner, get angry, or want to have sex when the other person does not feel like it or want to influence the other person's behaviour, but acting controlling on occasions does not mean that somebody is a controlling person or wanting sex when the other spouse does not, does not make the person a sexual predator.

pictish · 20/03/2013 23:12

If it were simply the ups and downs of relationships at play here, she would not be afraid to stand up to him, she would not be plagued by fantasies of cheating on him, and she would not describe her partner as having anger issues.

You can gloss and minimise all night. I'm going to bed soon...but it's a free country.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/03/2013 07:34

You realise that, if he changes nothing in practise, a 'beating anger book' is going to help him about as much as reading a 'diet book' is going to make someone lose weight?

Reading books, buying flowers, making promises..... I'm seeing a lot of empty gestures here designed to keep you around for a bit longer and a bit longer and a bit longer. Nothing concrete. Sorry

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/03/2013 07:37

And... to drag it back to the original question..... why are you looking for affection or sexual thrills elsewhere? I think it's because - despite all your protestations and excuses - you realise you've made a mistake. Rather than face up to that and leave, if you have an affair and he kicks you out, that solves the problem doesn't it?

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