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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I need help

41 replies

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 09:31

So it has been 4 weeks since he left and I thought I was turning a corner but again I find myself sitting here feeling absolutely devastated just can't stop crying, I literally feel like my heart is going to break, , I feel so depressed ,just want to curl up and die tbh. At 47 it feels my life is over, the only thing keeping me going is DS, I think I am doing a good job in hiding it. Sorry I sound so pathetic I thought I was made of stronger stuff.

I am in this house and I hate ( it is beautiful) but just too big for me an DS and full of all the memories,the stupid calender he bought me for Xmas, lovely pen for valentines present. I work from home so am trapped here and I can't sell as in a complicated financial situation. Just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months all be ok. I want to hate him so much, he seems so happy in his pathetic room, enjoying his lunches out with DS trips to the cinema, evenings down to pub playing pool. A fresh start for him, whilst I am here dealing with all the shit, trying to earn money and taking care off everything. Please tell me this is going to get better. I just want to sleep the whole night through and not wake up will a dull ache in my stomach and rising panic that grows during the day. Sorry for this self indulgence but no one in RL to chat to, trying so hard to appear normal to everyone

OP posts:

Iwishiwasasleep · 20/03/2013 09:37

Poor you is there any way you could move out and rent out your house? Is XH still living there?

ike1 · 20/03/2013 09:37

oh love....I know exactly how you feel.....but it does get better...honestly. xx

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 09:46

No he has move out, I had a thread running "falling apart need help" sorry I am rubbish and have no idea how to link. This house in my name but we moved here together 13 years ago and have spent years renovating this old place. I thought I was doing so well and for some reason back to square 1 again.

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DorisIsWaiting · 20/03/2013 09:53

There must be a way to unravel; the finacial situation.

Try not to beat yourself up with what he's doing focus on you and ds and what you want to do. Start to think about what things you can do together and where you can relax.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/03/2013 10:00

Go and a GP - you need help.

Look at options such as selling the house and buying a more suitable property.

Focus on your life - contact old friends, take up new interests/hobbies, training or voluntary work etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2013 10:04

It's only been 4 weeks so don't expect miracles.

It really does get better but, like all grieving processes, it's cyclical. Good days and bad days. All you can do is make the most of the good days and endure the bad ones. As time goes on the bad days will get further and further apart but, in the meantime, you have to do whatever it takes to get to the other side of the temporary slump.

When I was in your situation a long time ago I found what helped get me through the bad times were friends, sleep, lots of activity, the odd , travel and hearty sobbing. Not necessarily in that order!

When it passes - because it will pass - make the most of it. Ditch the shitty calendar he gave you and give the meaningless pen away, for example. If you can't leave your home and start fresh consider exorcising him from the place. I started systematically remodelling and redecorating... literally painting him out of the picture.

Good luck

lisac99 · 20/03/2013 10:07

4 weeks is nothing - the fact that you're still here, 4 weeks later is a testament to how strong you are.

I've not gone through a divorce but I was in a relationship for 10 years and when I split with him, it was hell. However, the pain does go, but God, it can take a long time - honestly.. you're doing a wonderful job and just because it seems like he is 'coping', it doesn't mean he is - the fact you're hurting and going through the motions means that you WILL come out the other side a stronger and wiser person. It shouldn't matter what he is doing now, you need to focus on yourself.

Have you got anything to look forward to? Any friends to see? Any nice places to go? Get motivated if possible - the house is full of memories? Get rid of them or change things - buy new cushions, buy new bed linen... make it YOURS as opposed to yours and your ex partners. Take the house back and make it different. You say you don't have anyone in RL to talk to, could that be a place to start? are there any local groups or hobbies you have always wanted to try? I always find that if I'm busy, I can push things to the back of my mind until I'm ready to deal with them - you'll still need to deal with things, but maybe in less quantity?

raenbow · 20/03/2013 10:09

Hi Orchid, I am feeling the same this week, remember tiny steps and some weeks it will be 2 forward 3 back -I have just posted a similar thread. I am 3 months on and it's a bad week for me too.

I agree with Mad if you hate the house and you have just renovated it it should make it more appealing , try to sell it and start afresh it will really help. It's not going to be easy but I also found having the house to focus on was a real help, ( plus all the shopping for new house stuff cheered me up no end!!) Now I don't have the house to sort I feel a bit lost
I am going for lunch with my mum today and am going to try to be a little bit happy and enjoy it. might have to go and buy those cushions I saw last week too!!

If you want to PM me please do and we can support each other.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 10:20

Thanks guys really wise words, I know I keep telling myself this all these things. ( Have bought fresh paint for the bedroom as a start) I am a deep thinker and have a horrible habit of over obsessing, I know I should not be thinking of him, I know it should not matter, stupid self entitled cock he is. He just seems so bloody content I want to smash his face in, but instead I am calm and dignified, I am not going to humiliate myself again. Last few times we have spoken just manged to keep convo about DS but inside I am dying ams so scared and adrift. How can he feel nothing?

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Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 10:25

raen oh I did see your post, so sorry you are having a bad week. Yes would love to pm, might be good if you sent me a message then I can reply as I am rubbish with technology. Selling the house is just not an option right now. This going to sound so stupid my cried buckets last night because he called to see if I was ok ( have been bit ill) and said he has bought dishwasher tablets for "our" dishwasher and will drop them around later

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2013 10:31

Oh hunny - I know exactly you feel.
You need to rid your house of anything you can that reminds you of him.
'Erase' as much as possible. It really helps to cleanse him away a bit.
I used to curl up in a ball and cry for hours sometimes.
Like others have said, my friends and family were a huge help.
It took a while but it really does get better.

4 weeks is nothing, you will get days like this but they do get fewer and further between.
Every now and then something will happen that gives you 'a slap in the face'.
I didn't sleep for months, running on adrenalin. Ended up with sleeping tablets from the doctor just to kick some sort of routine back in.
It definitely helped.
So many of us have been through this and we can all tell you, absolutely, it does get better and you will move on with your life when you are ready.
(((((((HUGS)))))))

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2013 10:51

"He just seems so bloody content I want to smash his face in, but instead I am calm and dignified,"

You've reminded me.... When my marriage broke up I think I did a fairly good job keeping calm but I used to get lurid dreams where I would literally be smashing his face in while he just stood there looking nonchalant and shrugging his shoulders. Separation may be a grief process but, unlike a bereavement, I think it's so much more frustrating & galling to know that the person still lives but has simply chosen not to be with you. (The nerve of some people...)

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 10:55

Oh cog you almost got a glimmer of smile from me then. Actually the more I act like I am not caring about and believe you me it is hard, the more he seems to want to be in touch. Not sure what the hell he is thinking of tbh, he is just fucking with my head

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MadAboutHotChoc · 20/03/2013 10:58

orchid - you need to detach and that means no visits, he is like a dog pissing on his territory.

You do not need to see him or contact him if its not related to to child access.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2013 10:59

It's provoking a reaction. It's demonstrating to himself that actually he's a caring person really. Bet your life if you showed you cared, even if you only got angry, it would be used against you. Yep. Head-fuckery....

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 11:05

mad I know, I know. I have actually refrained from calling, it is him doing all the running. When he came on Sunday to pick DS up, he tried to engage, I left him standing in the kitchen feeling very awkward, whilst I pretended to to watch TV, sobbed when they left, felt so bloody sorry for myself, did not help I was feeling pretty ill. The more I detach the more he seems to want to talk.

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MadAboutHotChoc · 20/03/2013 11:14

Yes, its that push pull thing - the more you cling/push the more he will pull away and vice versa.

I would do handovers at the door rather than inside - that way the house becomes more like your home and sanctuary. I like the idea of removing all traces of him - put these in bin bags for him to take away.

cjel · 20/03/2013 11:15

I remember those confusing feelings, if I'd had good contact with him I was happy, if it was bad contact I'd go down like a stone!! I'd say that crying when you feel like it is good. I did really hard things for me like re arranging furniture, moving memories and changing as much as I could before I sold, I put up photos of my new life changed things in the garden and generally tried to change the view that I looked at in the morning, when I came in the front door, ate, watched tv etc. I sat in different places and bought new music to listen to. I made a real effort to make it a different place so I didn't look around and remember all the 'our' things. As for feeling crap but pretending I think thats healthy and the fact that you can pretend shows strength. I wouldn't have him buying stuff and would tell him you don't need it thankyou he hasn't any responsibilty to the running of your home now. BUT above all remember that you are mostly doing fantastic and the fact that you don't want to feel crap already after 4 weeks is so positive. Take as much control as you want . If it upsets you to see him don't . If DS is young and can't meet him on his own, open the door say bye to your son and don't engage in conversation with him.It is true that as time passes you learn to switch off thoughts of his new life, you will be too busy with yours.Take care of your needs and do what you can to make sure they are met.
, If you want to take a day out to cry and wallow then do it. You have no responsibilty to not upset him or accept anything that you don't want from him. Take control!!!

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 12:04

mad I don't understand the pull/push thing, any theory on that, Just doing my head in. For what it's worth last few times we have met I have been cold an unemotional, it is hard but I need to do this for my self preservation

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2013 12:08

I read push pull as being, in a nutshell, 'people most want what they can't have'. You spend a whole marriage being perfectly nice and you get taken for granted & treated with contempt. Withdraw, ignore and you suddenly deserve attention......

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 12:27

You know if I am honest, the push pull thing is more about me more than him, . When he was here, I was the stronger one, earned the money, did most of the house chores/childcare, gardening, offered him emotional support. A lot of resentment built up and I started to feel utter contempt for him. When I needed his help and support he answer was not to cope. Now he has left he seems to be coping, seems happy/content, even said he has given up drinking during the week as living in a dry house, his landlord is an abstaining alcoholic. SO why am I now feel so destroyed.

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Mouseface · 20/03/2013 12:32

Agree with Mad and Cogito - take the control away from him. Being 'cold' emotionally is the one way to achieve that. Try to 'switch off' so that he can't read or second guess you.

It's not nice because that's not your normal self, but you have to look after YOU.

deste · 20/03/2013 12:35

You are probably thinking if he can do it now, why couldn't he have done it with you. Of course he could cope, he just didnt want to. He did it because he could. Next time choose a real man.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 13:01

I need to get that contempt back, I know he is a weak and selfish person. He even admitted before he left that he thought it unlikely he would have been able to support me through MH issues like I did for him. Guess he just never loved me enough

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Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 14:37

I don't know why this has just made me angry, he has just called to ask me if I would like to come to his work shop to pick up the Dishwasher tab he bought me. I know this sounds petty but what does he want, for all the people who work here to see me turn, trying chase him. I think not What the fuck is is he playing at, sorry not feeling good this afternoon. Not long diagnosed with Diabetes and because of bad eating habits lately can make feel a bit odd

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