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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I need help

41 replies

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 09:31

So it has been 4 weeks since he left and I thought I was turning a corner but again I find myself sitting here feeling absolutely devastated just can't stop crying, I literally feel like my heart is going to break, , I feel so depressed ,just want to curl up and die tbh. At 47 it feels my life is over, the only thing keeping me going is DS, I think I am doing a good job in hiding it. Sorry I sound so pathetic I thought I was made of stronger stuff.

I am in this house and I hate ( it is beautiful) but just too big for me an DS and full of all the memories,the stupid calender he bought me for Xmas, lovely pen for valentines present. I work from home so am trapped here and I can't sell as in a complicated financial situation. Just wish I could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months all be ok. I want to hate him so much, he seems so happy in his pathetic room, enjoying his lunches out with DS trips to the cinema, evenings down to pub playing pool. A fresh start for him, whilst I am here dealing with all the shit, trying to earn money and taking care off everything. Please tell me this is going to get better. I just want to sleep the whole night through and not wake up will a dull ache in my stomach and rising panic that grows during the day. Sorry for this self indulgence but no one in RL to chat to, trying so hard to appear normal to everyone

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/03/2013 14:57

I would be angry too. Who the fuck does he think he is? He is trying to look like the good guy in front of his workmates.

I would stop taking his calls and ask him to text you - that way its easier to screen/ignore texts that are not relevant to child access.

cjel · 20/03/2013 15:33

I'd be angry too. IS there a chance hes not sure about the split and is trying to convince himself that you haven't?

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 16:25

You will all be proud of me, I did not "pass by the workshop" as requested. A couple of weeks ago I would have jumped at any chance to see him. He does not seem to understand that I do not want to be his friend right now. This has been his mantra for some time. I lived with him for 21 years and don't know what is going on in his head.

mad in his mind he is the good guy, I caused all this, I am the bitch.

OP posts:

raenbow · 20/03/2013 17:33

That's part of it all too to help them feel better . Ignore his suggestions to ' pass by' tell him you are too busy , in fact just send him a text saying ' thank you' then don't show up. I send numerous texts just saying ' thank you' as I don't want to get into text ping-pong and he can't fathom what it means ( really thanks/ sarcastic thanks ????) my mil and recently divorced friend both told me don't explain yourself you don't have to explain ANY of your actions to him.
And please promise not to let him in YOUR home again tell him you would prefer to do handovers at the door as it is unsettling for your son .
Thx 4 pm will pm back later

cjel · 20/03/2013 17:36

Well Done. I made great steps when I stopped going into our offfice to help him run our business and realised that I felt better when I said no and didn't have to 'prove' I was a good person. Keep strongxx

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 17:46

He seems genuinely bemused why I have had a changed. Before was still inviting him to stay for dinner, even slept tog, he spent all night cuddling me and was acting, kissed me good bye and said see you later, as nothing had changed. Then just did not call me. Then wondered why I was upset. Dick head

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Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 17:54

Anyway the sex was just as rubbish as it had been for the past few years, still impotent. Can't tell you how much that has dented my confidence

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cjel · 20/03/2013 17:57

Good to keep remembering the crap, but try not to get angry over it too much use it positively as another step to your new life.xx

Original poster

Orchidlady · 20/03/2013 18:07

I think I need anger right now, crying and feeling sorry for myself is not the answer. I am shell of who I used to be. I know one day he is going to look back realise all he has lost and what great life he could have had but by then it will be too late

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cjel · 20/03/2013 22:59

I think what I was trying to say was that I would try and not waste any emotions on him if that makes sense? Try to take little steps to looking forward and not back. I'm not under estimating the crap emotions and weariness of it all, i think I wanted to encourage you to think about yourself and use your energy to take care of you and not waste it on him. Easier said than done I know!!

Original poster

Orchidlady · 21/03/2013 09:26

cjel thanks, you are right, trouble is it is pretty hard to erase someone who has been part of your life for 21 years. I am feeling a little better today, as someone said there will be good days and bad days. I really need to organise how when he sees DS get some kind routine,we had arranged he called DS on the new mobile each day, surprise he did not bother, for once DS did not chase him and went and played pool with a new friend also he needs to pay something each month. Asked yesterday whether he had some money for me and he just waffled on about having no money, hum guess beer and pool is quite and expensive hobby.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 21/03/2013 10:46

Contact CSA without delay then.

You sound a bit more positive today.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 21/03/2013 10:58

I have heard some pretty horrendous things about them tbh, I am going to lay a few firm ground rules, and see if that works. I have no reason to support him now, he actually owes me thousands and want him to start paying me back. If he keep letting DS down then he will only have himself to blame Thanks mad for some reason I do feel so much better today, I was in a very very dark place yesterday, I must keep posting as you guys helped me drag me out of my self pity .

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Mouseface · 21/03/2013 12:08

Glad to hear you're feeling better today Orchid :) Get onto the CSA as Mad says asap, they take a while to get things moving.

utterlyscared1 · 21/03/2013 12:49

Gosh - I feel for you. Glad to hear you sounding more positive.

On a practical note, you have said the house is too big and you're on your own with DS. I know that it can be difficult to share your personal space with someone, particularly when you're going through a tough time, but was wondering whether you had thought of letting a room out (to someone you like and would feel comfortable having in your house). It might provide you with an immediate form of income until you progress things through the CSA and also just having another adult in the house, might relieve the feeling of loneliness.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 21/03/2013 13:41

Well I took the bull by the horns and called him, said I did not want an argument. We have agreed a set amount that he will pay each month. ( let us see) At the moment his place is not suitable for DS to stay but said he is working very hard to get rent/deposit tog so he can then do school run again. Made a big point of saying he is working 7 days a week, in bed by 9.30, not drinking, said he wants to pay me back money he owes. Could not help by saying pity he did not try harder when he was here

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