Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be addicted to another person?

35 replies

imamuppet · 19/03/2013 19:43

Because thats how i feel about a man I am seeing and I hate it.

I was over the moon when he asked me out as I'd had a crush on him for ages. We dated a couple of times but it became clear fairly quickly that it wasn't going anywhere even though I was incredibly attracted to him physically we just didn't get along well enough on a personal level to keep it going. Also neither of us really wanted to get into a serious relationship after recent break ups on both sides.

We were both enjoying the physical side of it though so it just kind of developed into a FWB situation which has continued on for the last year or so. Its not ideal though. For a FWB situation there is not nearly enough sex for one thing! I would like to see him more often but he only seems to want to hook up every 6 weeks or so. The last time we met we had a fantastic time, he was very enthusiastic about doing it again soon but it hasn't happened and that was nearly 2 months ago. I suspect he is either dating or having a casual thing with at least one other woman and I have been mothballed for the moment.

The problem is I am gutted. I am not seeing anyone else, I miss being with him, I really miss the sex. He continues to text regularly saying that we will meet up again soon. I've told him that im getting totally fed up with the situation and if he doesn't want to meet me to stop texting and making promises to meet at some vague point in the future, but he keeps texting anyway. I've tried not replying but I always end up thinking maybe this time he wants to arrange to meet and I cave in.

I know that he's stringing me along and its starting to really bother me but I keep making excuses to myself not to walk away. I am still massively attracted to him and I think lust is what is dragging me back but I actually know its bad for me and bad for my self esteem to be in this position. I'd like to say "that's it, you're wasting my time, it's over" and actually mean it this time Hmm

OP posts:
scarlettsmummy2 · 19/03/2013 19:51

Watch the film 'he's just not that into you.' I found it to be really inspirational.

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 20:06

I've actually seen it, but it was ages ago, maybe I should watch it again, or read the book perhaps.

OP posts:
Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 20:16

Honey, he's just not that into you.

I've been addicted to a man. Spent every minute looking at texts and emails and couldn't BELIEVE he hadn't replied. It eventually wore off. It hurt though.

You will hurt. But your dignity is not worth it.

He doesn't want you. Even for a shag. Think about it. You're offering him sex with no strings and he still doesn't want you.

It hurts a lot. I know that. You can't change it by sending texts or playing silent. It's just the way it is and nothing you can do will change it.

Delete his number. Big hugs!

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 20:55

Thank you, that is exactly what I needed to hear but god yes it hurts, so fucking much [Sad]. Why the hell won't he just leave me alone and stop texting then? I have deleted his number so many times already but its pointless if he keeps texting.

OP posts:
Beckamaw · 19/03/2013 21:01

Change your number?
Really, it's the only thing that will stop it.
You're not a muppet either, you're only human.

This sounds condescending, and I don't mean it that way:
I think you should get a new outfit and get your hair done differently, or whatever makes you feel gorgeous, then head out for a big night out.
Bet you will turn some heads, and realise that there are plenty more fish. And most of them are less slimy!

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 21:15

Its funny you should say that as I was just on a big night out recently. Got plenty of attention alright, every one of them married. Where I live is tiny, there are very few single men that are worth looking twice at, and the few attractive ones are players unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 21:29

I wonder if the reason he has cooled is because he can sense the desperation from me to keep it going? Sad Is it so much of a turn off, even in a FWB situation? I never felt the need to play games since we aren't in a relationship so I was fairly up front about wanting to see him.

OP posts:
Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 21:41

No, Imamuppet, it's because he's not that into you.

That is the only answer.

He's just not.

If he was, he would call you. Even if you were rabid and texted him all day and night - if he was into you, he'd call you.

And he hasn't.

Sorry hun. It's over.

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 21:53

You see that's where the confusion lies for me Uppatree, all of our communication is through texts and he is still texting me fairly regularly, even when I tell him to stop. I agree with you that he just isn't into me, its so hard for me to hear but its true. I don't understand why he won't just leave it alone Confused

OP posts:
CheeseStrawWars · 19/03/2013 21:56

"he is still texting me fairly regularly, even when I tell him to stop"

If he respected you, he would respect your wishes.

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 22:06

Yes I agree, I doubt he respects me particularly and I can't say I respect him much either, that was one of the reasons a relationship was never on the cards with him. Mutual respect wasn't high on my list of priorities once it became a casual thing between us though.

To be fair I have told him I won't reply but I do, he knows that I dont want the contact between us to end, im just frustrated with him....and frustrated in general actually!!

OP posts:
Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 22:06

Sorry petal, but he's keeping you 'live and kicking' for the next time he wants a shag. He's got you on the back burner for when he 'might' want you on his terms.

I TORMENTED myself with waiting for messages. I checked my messages every 5 minutes and was so obsessed that my texts weren't working that I texted myself to make sure that they were working (desperado!).

Hun - give yourself some self-respect.

I beg you to stop this torment for your own preservation.

I was such an asshole, waiting there like some little tit. Don't be the same. Put it this way, if it was your daughter, what would you tell her to do?

Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 22:08

I would have said keep him on your list of 'booty calls' but you were the one who said you were addicted to him.

You can't be the cool girl who calls the guy for a shag when you are addicted.

GIVE HIM UP NOW!

You will like yourself more for it. Trust me.

EggsPressYourself · 19/03/2013 22:11

Sorry petal, but he's keeping you 'live and kicking' for the next time he wants a shag. He's got you on the back burner for when he 'might' want you on his terms uppaTreeCuppaTea

Yes - this is spot on. Cut all ties, it's going nowhere, and you are the on,y person who's going to hurt if you don't. Sorry.

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 22:16

Do you think so really? Because I still fancy the arse off him, I always have and I can't switch that off. And the alternative for me is long term celibacy. (Please dont say plenty more fish in the sea, there's just not round here, I'm being realistic not pessimistic) I'm finding it hard to work out which is the lesser of two evils.

OP posts:
Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 22:19

Uppatree I would happily keep him on my list of bootycalls if

A, I had a list

And B, if I could get him to actually turn up!!

OP posts:
Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 22:22

Imamuppet.

Your name says it all.

Sweetie - I was there. I was DESPERATE! I can't even tell you how desperate I was. I couldn't BELIEVE it when every hour passed and he didn't call. It drove me insane. He still didn't call.

If you are prepared to be his fuck-buddy, then go ahead. But the fact is, you are prepared to shag him whenever he wants and he still doesn't want you that much. That puts you at the bottom of his totem pole.

Do you want to be that person. God, I want to slap you and give you a hug at the same time. I was YOU. Let me save you from where I was at!

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 22:31

I thought a casual FWB arrangement would avoid all this. I DON'T want to be in a relationship with him, I'm not constantly watching the phone waiting for him to call or text. I really truly only wanted to keep it casual and have some semblance of a sex life, but I wanted him to want that too and it seems he doesn't anymore. I would have been better prepared for rejection if it had been a relationship I think.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 19/03/2013 22:34

Why the hell won't he just leave me alone and stop texting then?

Cos he knows he's got you in his power and he's loving the game....

Walk away, walk away, walk away.

Be strict with yourself. Block him from your life.

The longer you hold onto this player the longer you will miss meeting your dream man - the one who WILL be there for you -

Might take a while tho. Get back into your own power. Take a break from dating.

Next time you see him, just look disdainfully bored and say "Sorry, you had your chance". (Practice if need be Grin).

It hurts I know, but the longer you hang on, the more painful and humiliating it will be for YOU. YOU are worth more than THAT!

Thank him for making you realise that is NOT what you want in life and move on.

Oh, and if you suspect he's with other women, go and get tested. That's always a good reality check, and then you can say "Phew, that was a lucky escape"..........

deste · 19/03/2013 22:40

Next time he texts you, delete it and feel the power. Listen to all these people who have been there, done it and worn the t shirt. They are trying to save you the heartache. You are worth more than this.

Original poster
imamuppet · 19/03/2013 22:44

Suburbophobe, I'm a 40 year old divorced mother of 2, I'm not waiting for a dream man, I don't believe that is out there for me. And I'm already taking a break from dating, because I am not dating this guy, he is just a casual shag that has got a bit to casual for my liking. But I take on board what everyone is saying, kick him into touch and I'll feel the better of it. I just don't think that's going to be true Sad

OP posts:
sallyfromthealley · 19/03/2013 22:44

Yes I've been there too. And I can't say it's any better when you finish it either. You still think back and analyse it all, telling yourself he liked you really. Instead of the constant texts, just enough to keep you hanging on in there, but not as much as you want, when you end it you replace it with thinking what could have been, you miss the contact, the excitement and of course the sex. The only advantage to finishing it now yourself is that you get in there before him. You can hang on to a tiny bit of self-respect by telling him enough is enough. Act like you don't care.

sallyfromthealley · 19/03/2013 22:46

What everyone is saying here is true and it hurts me to read it myself because it applies to my situation too. I suppose we have to accept that time will help and the hurt will subside.

Helltotheno · 19/03/2013 22:48

OP as an experiment, if you really find it so impossible to kick him to the kerb, at least play it cool... Here's how: Next time he texts looking to get together, just text back 'Sorry babes, busy for the next week, text me then'; meet him the following week, shag the arse off him, bid him adieu, then send no texts, or at least only non-committal responses to his, then rinse and repeat.

That's how you run an FWB... Neediness of any kind is out.

If you can't do the above get rid, and even if you can do the above, remember, there's every chance of being dumped and it'll never develop into anything more. You're not holding any power here at the moment, and it's either dump or ratchet down the neediness.

Destinysdaughter · 19/03/2013 23:00

It is a horrid position to be in, can totally relate to it! I strongly suggest you go read the Baggage Reclaim website, it has helped me reclaim my self esteem and understand where these men are coming from. You won't regret it I promise you!