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Original poster

This is trivial, right...?

28 replies

TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 18:41

Asked my new partner last night if he'd been seeing/kissed/slept with anyone else whilst we were dating (but not together & not once we'd slept together etc, which was a month after we started seeing each other). He said he drunkenly kissed someone, (I didn't ask, as it didn't seem relevant).

Thing is, I can't help wondering who it was. I can't ask now can I? I'd look like a fruit loop, as we were only dating. I just want the thought to stop wondering into my mind I guess Hmm (he also met up with his ex who he wasn't totally over around the same time, just the once, but doesn't know I know).

Oh lordy that does sound silly but I needed to get it out somehow so I could just get on with things!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 18:42

Should also point out that I take a while to trust people. Not because I've been hurt but because I don't want to be iyswim.

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 18:59

Maybe I should just leave the poor bugger Sad

So stressed these past few weeks that I think I'm imagining issues where there are none. I just need some simplicity in at least one area of life!

Hopefully next week's better & I won't be as loopy from stress & lack of sleep Hmm

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leCrooSet · 19/03/2013 19:00

no, not trivial in my book. How long have you been together? and what si 'just dating' ?

Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:04

I knew him through a friend, found out he was single, asked him over one eve (as I can't get out easily in the eve's) and he came over one eve a week for a date-night-in iyswim until we decided to take things further (and get physical) literally a month later. He'd only broken up with his ex a month previously but I knew this & he had said they'd had no contact etc...he met up with her and friends so not just by himself.

Just feels a bit weird to know he'd been over a few times & had told me he found the break up hard etc. I fully believe he's over it now (they were a bad match) & it just took a little time as there was a quick transition between her 7 me.

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:05

Been together almost a year

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:30

Had a chat with a good family member (who knows him & how much he seems to love me etc) & that's helped.

I'm fairly certain this is sleep deprivation talking...Sorry for wasting a thread! Blush

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Jellykat · 19/03/2013 19:40

There's no such thing as wasting a fred Smile
If you're worried about something, post, that's what MN is for..

Are you feeling ok now? why haven't you been sleeping, was it to do with the above?

Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:47

Still feeling a little miffed about it but it was ages ago, I know how he feels about me now & I know i've barely slept recently.

I'm an lp & my DS just had a nasty cold so didn't sleep much this week & I've been zapped from work too.

Not got a lot of people to talk to about stuff like this so needed to just tell someone, to stop it pointlessly nagging at me & be reassured that I'm being a bit of a tool about it... Grin

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LemonPeculiarJones · 19/03/2013 19:52

You've been together for a year - you are so entitled to say, er, darling, you know that person you snogged....who was it? I can't get it out of my head!

You are allowed! I would have asked aaaaages ago. AND I would have felt funny about it, no shame about that at all. You're only human!

I don't think it's a problem but you are allowed to ask. If he refuses to tell you then I think that would be weird.

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/03/2013 19:53

Would have felt funny about the mystery snog, not asking, btw. Ask away!

Jellykat · 19/03/2013 19:56

Ahaa, well lack of sleep can certainly makes things seem important, when otherwise they wouldn't be thats for sure!

I think after a year together, you should be able to ask who it was if youre curious.. It really sounds like he loves you, so he'd probably rather put your mind at rest then have you worrying unnecessarily over it eh? Smile

Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:57

I don't think he'd refuse, as he told me that bit out of choice, I'd have never found out another way. I just didn't ask at the time as it seemed irrelevant.

Then I slept on it and wondered who the hell it was!

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 19:58

I think so JellyKat Smile

thanks for the replies

Just wasn't sure whether to ask after the moment had passed iyswim!

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 20:10

I thought I had it bad...Am watching Bedtime Live on C4, which makes my DS look like the an angel when it comes to bedtimes Shock

Need to just get some energy back & focus on the bigger picture rather than all the bad bits. (That's my worst habit when i'm knackered...)

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Jellykat · 19/03/2013 20:16

Little 'bad' bits are humungous when you're knacked, sleep well, and ask him tomorrow..
Whoever it was, it was one drunken meaningless snog and he's with you now, enjoy! Smile

SolidGoldBrass · 19/03/2013 20:22

'Just dating' means that the people haven't yet sat down and discussed making the relationship exclusive and drawing up monogamy boundaries. So it's not a terrible sin to kiss or even have sex with other people at that stage.

Uppatreecuppatea · 19/03/2013 20:26

Solid Gold. You are the voice of reason. Like!

Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 20:37

I know solid - just feel a bit weird that he didn't tell me about one of the situations when I asked, & it was most likely because it involved his ex.

But it was ages ago, we were just dating & i'm just worn out & foggy-headed.

And I will jelly' Grin

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LemonPeculiarJones · 19/03/2013 20:46

I agree winSolid, but I still think its okay to ask. Not to berate him, but to satisfy your curiosity!

LemonPeculiarJones · 19/03/2013 20:47
  • with Solid
Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 20:52

I wasn't about to jump the poor man with it...just slip it in somewhere, so I can stop bloody thinking about it & get on with it Smile

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Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 19/03/2013 20:53

Ever since he mentioned it I seem to start playing a mental game of guess who , which keeps popping up, even though I know it was meaningless Hmm

Silly brain

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ApplyYourself · 20/03/2013 00:02

I don't understand why you are torturing yourself? Why do you keep thinking about it?

The answer is very simple. You say to him ' this might sound a bit daft but I keep thinking about the early stages of our relationship and it bothers me who you kissed/why/ whatever. Can we chat about it so I can stop chewing it over? '

If you feel unable to bring this up after a year together then he is probably not for you.

MidnightMasquerader · 20/03/2013 03:56

I'm confused. You say 'new partner', and then say you've been together nearly a year....?

Out of interest, why did you ask the question? It's not something that would ever have occurred to me to ask. It's not something i have ever asked a partner. Similarly, I also have no idea how many women DH slept with before me, because I don't want/need to know. If I was the sort of person to 'torture' myself with the knowledge, then it would be an even worse idea to ask and find out.

You asked and now you're torturing yourself. What was the point? I'm not trying to give you a hard time. :) But trying to figure out your motivation.

Basically, you sound quite insecure. Unless you could have been 100% sure he'd give you the 'right' answer to your question, i.e. 'no-one', then it would probably have been better not to ask because now you're left wondering, and are even more insecure.

But, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Either ask him who it was, or try to find a way to put it out of your mind and move on.

Original poster
TheCautionaryWhale · 20/03/2013 07:42

I'm not that insecure...I just wondered if he was fibbing when we got together (about how involved with his ex he was). If he was then I'd like to know that. Not fussed about his 'history'...we all have one!

I asked him last night anyway & it wasn't her, so i'm not fussed anymore. Just wanted to know if he'd lied to me when we were getting together iyswim.

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