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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law.... I need help :(

28 replies

Bex89 · 19/03/2013 13:32

This may sound completely ungrateful, but last year my partner and I moved into my in-laws to save money for a house. In December we found out we were having our first child.... We were so happy, but almost instantly my mother in law started buying things without asking me. She's practically brought everything down to the steriliser, changing mat, baby grows, clothes, pram, grooming kit... I wouldn't mind so much if she let me choose.

We're finally moving out next month and she said that shed stop buying, but I broke down today as she told me as a birthday gift she was going to pack my hospital bag, choose my nighties, and everything to go in it... I don't have the heart to tell her that's something I desperately wanted to do my self, she also said shed brought a bath for the baby. Am I right in thinking its something very personal... It's really upsetting me. My partner and I have plenty saved to buy things and I spend a lot of time looking for the right things and now I feel like I am being pushed and forced into decisions I dislike :(

My partner has had a word with her.... But it seems she just can't help herself.

HAs anyone else experienced and thing like this?

Thanks girls.x

OP posts:

Patchouli · 19/03/2013 13:35

Difficult as she feels you need her and has probably seen you as homeless.
It might be awkward if you went splashing out on baby gear after they've been putting you up so you can save money.

oldwomaninashoe · 19/03/2013 13:45

Don't the hospital give you a list of things you need to take in when you get nearer your due date?
Surely by then you will be moved out. Just ask her to choose an outfit for the baby to wear when leaving hospital and expplain all the other items that you need are personal and need to be chosen by you ie feeding bras, maternity pads etc etc.
Try and appreciate her generosity and excitement, if things like the pram,cot etc are unsuitable would she be upset if you ask to exchange them?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/03/2013 13:48

"I don't have the heart to tell her that's something I desperately wanted to do my self,"

So find the heart.... All the time you're being polite and saying nothing she'll carry on as if it's all OK. It's probably just enthusiasm and a desire to help you because you're saving up. However, stand up for yourself and your baby in due course because, if you don't and if you leave it to your partner, nothing will change.

'MIL... I know you mean well but I don't want you to buy any more stuff until you've spoken to me first'

Fairylea · 19/03/2013 13:52

Is she coming to the hospital with you? If not I'd just graciously accept the bag then poke it in the back of the car and bring your own carefully hidden and packed one ..!

BuddyButters · 19/03/2013 14:08

Grooming kit?? Are you having a foal?

Flisspaps · 19/03/2013 14:09

Offering to buy things is kind, and generous. Buying them without even giving you some input is too much.

Telling you she's choosing your nighties and packing your hospital bag is weird - it's what you do for a child, not an adult.

eccentrica · 19/03/2013 19:25

You haven't even had the baby yet. Trust me, they get much worse!

candyandyoga · 19/03/2013 23:11

He needs to have a harsher word, and she needs to stop!

Skygirls · 19/03/2013 23:22

Without knowing more, it sounds like she is extremely excited and has gone off into baby bubble land.

You do need to say something to her ( not DH) along the lines that
' You are very grateful for her kindness in buying these things and you are very excited too, but You would also like to do some shopping for the baby, so thank you again, but you and DH can take it from here. '

If she is a reasonable person, she won't take offence.

Monty27 · 19/03/2013 23:25

She's just being kind bless her.

Save your money, it gets more expensive, you get to chose more important things.

Honestly.

Creameggkr · 19/03/2013 23:45

So she's excited and I'd enjoying buying things but the actual mother and father can't have their little bit of enjoyment doing the same?
She needs to stop now just tell her you'd like to choose a few things now.

Creameggkr · 19/03/2013 23:45

Is not I'd

Inertia · 20/03/2013 00:38

I think you (or ideally DH) needs to tell her that it's a kind thought, but really you need to pack your own bag based on what they hospital have told you to provide. Perhaps your DH could suggest something specific for your hospital bag that MIL could buy as a birthday gift- some soft pyjamas and lightweight dressing gown, or a soft dark bath towel?

BTW you probably won't want nighties beyond the actual giving birth stage- pyjamas are the way forward , there's not a lot of coverage in a hospital bed.

TBH her packing your bag comes across as a bit controlling, as if you can't be trusted to do it yourself. And if you end up with duplicates of baby equipment it might be handy to have some stuff at MILs for visits. (We should really have left a travel cot at each set of parents , for instance).

Ginformation · 20/03/2013 00:59

I would be a bit up upset if my MIL was buying everything for my baby. Her heart is in the right place (as long as she isn't more controlling when baby is here, playing dollies). Might it help to give her a job related to the birth/baby? That way she will feel involved and you can direct her good intentions to an area you can control while you get on with the rest.

jynier · 20/03/2013 01:03

I had the same problem many, many years ago with my MIL; asked a friend (who had grandchildren) how I could stop her interference. Friend said let her carry on with her joy of giving! Didn't really approve of advice but, now I am a grandmother, completely understand! I did put my foot down over major purchases which I wanted to choose with my husband! Looking back, think that MIL wanted to show her love and care for us but I was constantly annoyed by what I saw as overbearingness and dictatorship!

plinkyplonks · 20/03/2013 03:27

I would take your mother in law any day!!! Like you. we (stupidly!!) moved in with the in laws to save money as both my DH and I both lost our jobs. My MIL and FIL both earn collectively over 150k a year! We did everything clean up, keep the house tidy etc... we had otherwise had a very good relationship with them. But they kicked us out after a few months leaving us with nowhere to live. Putting us in massive debt that we are still paying off till this day. If you had to move in with them to save money, I presume she thinks that you would have only have done that because you had no choice and were very short of money. I think she's trying to be very considerate here. Providing the interference doesn't include telling you how to raise your child and what you should be wearing etc, I'd be grateful that the MIL is being so considerate and supportive, but I do understand that the things she had bought you'd have rather chosen yourself.

ThisIsMummyPig · 20/03/2013 04:22

The only thing that you really need to choose yourself are the pram (because it has to be suitable for your car/home/lifestyle) and your own clothes.

I got almost everything else second hand at baby fairs, which was cheap, but gave me limited choice. Your baby will only be using these things for a few weeks or months, and then you will be able to choose your own.

If you are living with them to save money, then I can fully understand why they think you might need help to buy all the bits and pieces for the baby.

You will need to put your foot down if she starts interfering with your parenting style, but you can do that after the birth, and blame it on sleep deprivation if she gets offended.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 20/03/2013 04:59

I think like the others have said, she is probably just excited and trying to help, but can understand why you feel so pissed off with it all. I think, id just let her go with the stuff she's bought and maybe you could keep some of it at her house? As for the hospital bag, could you say that you, or you and a friend, or someone on your side of the family, will be sorting that out nearer the time when you have the list from your midwife? I know it's hard and you don't want to hurt her feelings, but you maybe just need to be brave and tell her. Good luck.

piggingpintrest · 20/03/2013 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 20/03/2013 06:31

make the most of it. must be saving you a fortune

tillyann2013 · 20/03/2013 07:21

My mil was like this with our pfb, nearly drove me insane! She bought his first shoes even after hearing us discuss how we were taking him to have his feet measured the following week. I put my foot down at that point as it was something we really wanted to do as a little family. She sulked and said she'd take the shoes to the charity shop. (Guilt trip much? Why she couldn't just return them I've no idea!) Anyway, 2 years on, she buys nothing for ds, suits me fine!
I'd nip it in the bud right now before the baby comes. Best of luck x

bouncysmiley · 20/03/2013 07:34

Accept everything you are not upset about not choosing yourself with gratitude and push back on the rest. With us it was the pram. We had chosen (but not ordered) the perfect one when MIL dropped off one she had bought impulsively. I sent DH to thank her, take it back and explain why it wouldn't fit in with our lifestyle and that we already had one on order. She was a bit upset but we were all back to normal in a few days and she now asks before making any big purchases.

Kione · 20/03/2013 07:59

why don't you go shopping with her? tell her its somerhing you have been looking forward to and so you can have some sat in choosing things?
My sis in law keEPS sending clothes, some of them I dont like at all but it has been great since DD has started to nursery/being active and needing tons of change

Jux · 20/03/2013 08:36

Thank her nicely and tell her that you want to choose things yourself.

Is she really pushy or domineering? If not, she's just trying to save you the exhaustion of tramping round shops looking at stuff. Maybe, if you get on well, you could suggest you go looking together so you can choose.

ChunkyPickle · 20/03/2013 08:38

She is excited, and forgets herself (my MIL and FIL are the same) - and it's hard. DS was in hospital recently and every day MIL brought DS in his lunch, changes of clothes, snacks, toys for everyone etc. even though I had all of that covered already.

I think you have to accept the gifts, be thankful, remember she's trying to be nice, but then just buy your own stuff when you see something you want - I know it feels bad to waste the money by duplicating, but you do want some input yourself! You might find that it's actually nice that there's a big box of spare clothes sitting there that you can use once all the favourites you've bought are covered in poo/sick :)

I doubt she's trying to undermine you, just lost in the moment.

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