Urrrrrghhh.

[1985Caz]

So I just realised DP of 3 years had left his Facebook logged in on my laptop. Last autumn his ex/my ex-friend started messaging me again, completely out of the blue. I asked if she'd messaged him too and he said yes, then no, then that she had and he'd deleted it, and then that she hadn't, but not very convincingly. I didn't really care which it was, just felt I should be told the truth. I thought I'd look on his search history to see if he'd looked her up because it seems to only show people up if you're not friends.

He hadn't. He has, however, looked up 3 other girls he has history with, repeatedly, late at night, when we were at separate houses. I actually once (long time ago) woke up to him wanking over pictures of one of them whilst I was asleep and he was next to me in bed. Another he became close to as soon as we went on a break last summer, and was one of the factors in our break up. The other is a psycho ex, who once tried to punch me and tried very hard to split us up. He has a history of messaging girls and lying about it (I don't mind if he is friends with girls, just not if it's a "secret" or flirty friendship).

I am crap at keeping secrets and so just basically told him. Now he's not answering his phone or responding to my messages.

Clearly he's furious with me for invading his privacy, and I know it was totally wrong of me to look. Is it at least understandable that I am upset...?

Totes

I think it would be more understandable if you dump this immature twat

if he hasn't actually cheated yet, he is certainly trying to line up the opportunities

repeatedly

don't let him blame you for snooping....looks like the little boy has been well and truly caught with his hand in the sweetie jar

is this how you want to live ?

What is it your asking?
You obviously will put up with any crap this man gives you. Why look through his stuff? You aren't going to end it. All it does is play on your mind.
For gods sake, get some self respect and dump that prick.

And he's worthy of being your 'DP' because ... ?

I blame myself for looking... Eavesdroppers never find out anything good and this is exactly that scenario. I was honestly completely shocked to see their names pop up. I didn't even look at his messages because I felt that was an invasion of his privacy but didn't for a second think I'd see them on the search history, any of them.

I never log out of my accounts around him but he always does, and is secretive with his phone. I don't think he has anything to actually hide but me wanting to look makes him want to hide it. The inappropriate friendships/messages never overstep the mark into insulting me or anything sexual.

Everything had been going really well for us lately. I am so, so upset.

I'd step well away.

So you are worried he wont want to be with you after you looked at his FB? When in actual fact he should be left in no doubt that you dont want to be with him after looking at his FB.

The man is a liar and a cheat (you dont have to have sex to be a cheat), and you are more concerned about whether HE will forgive YOU?

Either dump him or accept that your DP is a liar and a cheat and will always be so. Personally, I would pick the "dump him" option.

Oh and word to the wise, if you text him that you are dumping him, he will be on that phone so fast you wont know what happened. He will talk you around and charm you, so dont answer his calls, ok?

< sigh >

stay with him then

moving on....

OP you cross posted with mine.

Good luck....

He hasn't cheated... I agree you don't have to have sex to cheat but surely you need to have a cheatee? It's not like he's conducting an affair of any kind, just occasionally looking at pictures of girls he fancies, in private...

I'm sure if he looked up my search history he'd too but I wouldn't respond by ignoring him - I'd be worried he felt he needed to look.

I just really hate being ignored when I am upset.

Ah so you're going to adopt the 3 wise monkeys' approach then?

Good luck with that. You'll need it.

I would rather be annoyed than sobbing, believe me.

he shouldn't make you be either of those things

Do you get that at all ?

Yeh we believe you

just occasionally looking at pictures of girls he fancies, in private... and wanking off to images of them while he's in bed with you.

Please do tell what's to like about this disrespectful twat man...

Honestly never posted a reply on relationships. There are many wise regulars who would have incredibly insightful advice to offer more than me, but I just couldn't ignore this one.

Somebody who loves and respects you would never treat you like this. It doesn't matter whether he has physically dipped his wick elsewhere, or if it's mental/fantasy flirting, etc.

There is somebody better out there for you. End of story. Don't waste your effort with this guy.

I mean, manhandling himself over the picture of a real life somebody else, while you a lying beside him asleep is breathtakingly disrespectful.

I don't know you, and never will but you deserve better.

Do you ever think that tough love might not be the best thing for someone who is really upset in the middle of the night?

AF yes I do get that, sadly here I am.

Caz, you deserve better

a man that wanks to pics of OW (OW he knows ) whilst in bed next to you ?

why are you with him, seriously ?

do you have dc ?

Bonnefoi it was a really long time ago (I do agree with you though and if it happened now I wouldn't stand for it. He had another browser open with a film star he fancied on it and said he was looking at that, but I didn't believe him really. He was very, very sad and apologetic and deleted her and as far as I knew hadn't even thought about her in years. It's not flirting, it's just looking. I am more upset about the ignoring when I'm upset than the looking frankly

Do you ever think that tough love might not be the best thing for someone who is really upset in the middle of the night?

You think he's showing you 'tough love'?

I thought she/doing that was in the very distant past. I have made mistakes as well and I genuinely barely remembered her name and thought he wouldn't either. He barely knew her for more than a few months and this was 4/5 years ago.

No DCs.

I am with him because we are really good friends and I love him. He makes me laugh, he's generous, he's kind and loving. He does lots of little considerate things and he makes me so happy to be around him. He makes a huge effort to get along with my awkward family and I really appreciate that. We talk all of the time and never get bored; most days we don't go more than a few hours without talking. I have never been as comfortable around anyone and I feel, at least, that I can be completely honest with him. I tell him everything. I don't think he'd ever physically cheat, in a million years (his dad did and it devastated his family). It hasn't been the smoothest relationship ever but honestly, 99% of the time we are so close. It's just whenever we have a disagreement his reaction is to ignore and mine is hysterical tears. It's the same with everything else in our lives I guess but it's fucking horrible.

The "manhandling" (good term...) was a long time ago and he had to do a lot to regain my respect - a LOT. But I decided to forgive him and put it behind us. This has just brought it all up again...

I bet if you text him saying it was over and you never wanted to see him again, he'd be round in a heartbeat and the whole merry-go-round could start again.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother. You are upset, crying and alone. Relationships shouldn't be this hard and horrible. You'll always be looking over your shoulder.

Actually I bet if I text him saying I never want to see him again, he wouldn't respond until morning because he'll be asleep, and then he'll say 'fine.' And I never would see him again, except for unavoidable unplanned meetings.

I am crying, miserable and alone though, and I don't think that's right. I guess he's angry at the invasion of privacy and also feeling guilty and embarrassed. But I feel shocked and upset and dreadful too and him ignoring me doesn't help that at all.