Urrrrrghhh.

[1985Caz]

So I just realised DP of 3 years had left his Facebook logged in on my laptop. Last autumn his ex/my ex-friend started messaging me again, completely out of the blue. I asked if she'd messaged him too and he said yes, then no, then that she had and he'd deleted it, and then that she hadn't, but not very convincingly. I didn't really care which it was, just felt I should be told the truth. I thought I'd look on his search history to see if he'd looked her up because it seems to only show people up if you're not friends.

He hadn't. He has, however, looked up 3 other girls he has history with, repeatedly, late at night, when we were at separate houses. I actually once (long time ago) woke up to him wanking over pictures of one of them whilst I was asleep and he was next to me in bed. Another he became close to as soon as we went on a break last summer, and was one of the factors in our break up. The other is a psycho ex, who once tried to punch me and tried very hard to split us up. He has a history of messaging girls and lying about it (I don't mind if he is friends with girls, just not if it's a "secret" or flirty friendship).

I am crap at keeping secrets and so just basically told him. Now he's not answering his phone or responding to my messages.

Clearly he's furious with me for invading his privacy, and I know it was totally wrong of me to look. Is it at least understandable that I am upset...?

Re You need a cheatee

No you dont.

Cheating is in the head not the body. Two people can be in a relationship and both have sex with other people with the others agreement, that is not cheating. A person can profess their love and profess their physical and emotional faithfulness to another but be cheating without laying a finger on another person. Its not about physical acts with another, its about honesty. If he says he loves you, respects you and only wants you then he is cheating on you when he contacts his exes with anything other than friendship in mind. He is cheating on you when he would rather wank off at the photo of an ex than have sex with you.

I read a good definition of cheating as being any contact with another person that you wouldnt want to tell your partner about. He didnt want to tell you and when you found out, he blanked you rather than deal with it. He is cheating in his head and his heart, if not in his body.

But you seem determined to ignore what he has done and get him to forgive you (!) and will stay with him regardless, so I will say just this......we will be here when the hurt gets too much. When the day comes that you realise that he has never truly loved you and that you deserve better.

And the crying and the hurt only gets worse when you realise that you have been taken for a fool again. When you realise that he took your forgiveness and your trust and pissed all over them.

You think it hurts now? See how you feel in 5 years, this will be nothing compared to the knowledge that not only has he hurt you again, but you wasted all those years letting him.

Oh and PPS

He may not have cheated physically yet, but if you stay with him then he will. He has found your boundary for emotional/non physical cheating so now he knows he can do that and you will stay. The next step will be him fucking another woman and seeing if you will stay after that too.

Believe me, this WILL happen.

Yeah, checking up on him isn't great, but why did you have to do that; because he has form and that made you insecure. It's no way to live. Him going out and ignoring you, leaving you upset and in limbo, while he sleeps is cruel.

In my experience, the only way to make yourself feel better is take control and get some dignity i.e. if you want to save things suggest he meet you for a chat like an adult and discuss things rationally (don't beg or plead) or end things, by text if he won't talk to you.

Best of luck.

Well if you know he'd give up the relationship that easily, you just aren't all that important to him are you?

You say you've already broken up at least once and he wasted no time getting close to one of the women he'd looked up. Meanwhile another ex allegedly launched an unprovoked attack on you in the summer and tried to split you up, despite there being no apparent resumption in her relationship with your partner. Her behaviour is explained away as being that of a psychotic woman.

Then we've got his Vicky Pollard impressions when asked a direct and simple question about yet another ex getting in touch.

You don't trust him, otherwise you wouldn't have gone snooping. But unlike your own assessment about eavesdroppers, I'd be more inclined to celebrate your good instincts. If he was trustworthy and you were simply paranoid, you'd have found nothing. Instead you found worse than you suspected.

You interpret his silence this evening as anger and tough love.

More like punishment, you mean, intended to get you into a froth of fear and upset that the relationship is over. It's quite deliberate and designed to put you in your place and to stop you being mistrustful of an untrustworthy man.

Bogeyface if I'd discovered messages to any of them it'd be a straight-up ending of it all, please believe me, whether they were flirty or not. He knows I wouldn't want him to be in contact with any of them, so I'd see that as a complete betrayal. I'd agree cheating is any contact with another person who you wouldn't want to tell your partner about, but he hasn't contacted anyone. Apart from the one time years ago, he's not done it when I've been around or there was a choice to have sex with me instead. I know he'd rather do that. I don't think what he's done is cheating, but it's still REALLY upsetting.

I guess it's like the newfangled version of finding old photos of your DH's ex in his room. It just came as a massive shock to me. He had looked at their profiles about six times (so about twice each) in the last six months, so it wasn't as regular as I might have implied.

I know I sound like I'm justifying his actions. It's just I guess the looking isn't why I'm upset; the part I am most upset about is that he's not speaking to me now and apologising and comforting me when I need it. I think it was wrong of me to snoop (I know others disagree) and I want to apologise for that, but I think he should be mortified and be comforting me, not ignoring me. Me snooping was pretty crappy and him looking at them was pretty crappy. Refusing to speak to me when I'm upset is more crappy than both of those though, in my opinion.

OP. I can only agree with what has already been said. This is not how a relationship should be. You might not believe it but it is true.

I was blinded by my feelings once. I foolishly married the twat, believing he was the one! I forgave the cheating, was downtrodden by his abuse(mental and physical) and believed no one would ever love me like him.

Well. One day I had enough. I couldn't bear the doubts and insecurities any longer. Where was he? Who was he with? It made me ill. I went down to under 7 stone and felt rubbish. I was able to leave as I was fortunately financially comfortable - although he had tried tried to get his hands on my money as well I can promise you that it will be the same for you. Let him go, a good man would not behave like this, ever!

I am now married to a good man and have never been happier or more secure. I am loved and respected - it is a wonderful feeling. You deserve that too. We all do.

I do get a little bit of satisfaction when I see pictures of XH - he runs a well know company and is sometimes in the press. Time has not been kind to him, and he was so vain!

I've looked at ex p profiles on fb. I would absolutely not consider it cheating. I bet most people have done it.

Sorry x-posted with everyone since BF's first reponse...

I really, really don't suspect him of cheating or think he would, or could. He hasn't found my boundaries for emotional/non-physical cheating. If there had been messages, that would have crossed the line. Or texts, phone calls, emails, or anything secret or that he'd lied about. He hasn't crossed the line by looking at girls' photos a few times. It's upsetting and grim, and sad, but I don't want to break up over it. I want to be able to be upset about it and be reassured.

And if he ignores me for days, I would want to break up. Because as badinage says, if he can give up on the relationship that easily I am obviously not very important to him. And I did feel insecure about the answer he'd given me in the autumn, and that's why I looked.

Does that sound rational?

Me too Gingerodgers It just came as a huge shock given the history with those specific girls. If I hadn't looked I would have said I don't care who he looks at but when I saw it, I couldn't help being openly upset. I feel so bad for looking but I think he's responded badly to my reaction too.

Ah I've re-read your OP and spotted that the allegedly 'psycho' ex didn't necessarily punch you and try to split you up in the summer, but at some other unidentified time since you started going out with him.

In which case what we have here is a man who looks at photos of his partner's assailant, as well as those of other women.

badinage I am good friends with many of his exes (and he mine) so it's not like he portrays all his exes as psychos. I happen to think that one is. She was always quite into drugs and basically is/was really unstable. She treated him really badly in the month or so they dated (abusive texts and calls, guilt trips, money). They weren't seeing each other when we got together but she took a real dislike to me soon afterwards.

FayeKorgasm I'm sorry you had such a rubbish first marriage and am glad you're happy now. I have been cheated on in the past and would not stand from it from DP. I genuinely felt happy and secure in the relationship until this evening, apart from curiously wanting to know the truth about whether she'd messaged him or not. I know now she didn't, and so he didn't reply, so it turns out that he was being truthful in the end!

He might portray her as a psycho, but he still likes to look her up despite the fact she assaulted his partner. You think that's reasonable?

Can I ask you OP how your boyfriend would react if you had lain in bed wanking to pictures of an ex? Then lied about another ex getting in contact? Then had fun browsing at pictures of another ex who had physically assaulted him in the past?

Would he be so sure that you would never cheat?

Would he be fretting about invading your privacy?

Would you completely ignore him when he challenged you on it and was getting upset?

To be honest I have looked up psycho ex and the more recent girl probably more than he has in the last six months (maybe three/four times instead of two). This is because I am nosy but I also want to know where they are living in case I bump into them. I don't know he's browsed their pictures, just that he's looked at their profiles - though of course it seems likely he has, I have no proof of this. He hasn't denied or agreed. The third girl (wankgirl) I had clean forgotten about.

If the roles were reversed I am almost certain he wouldn't say anything. I very much doubt he'd have looked in the first place, but if he did, he'd keep quiet. I've never known him to be jealous, upset or talk about his insecurities in our relationship, if he has any. He's not as emotional as I am and would react like he is now, by ignoring the problem.

I'm sure you're right. Because in the first place you wouldn't do any of that stuff and in the second place, it wouldn't bother him if you did. If it did bother him, he'd probably just move on.

That should tell you something Caz.

Oh, just dump him. What chance of happiness and fulfilment do you truly think you'll have unless you find the freedom to be alone, discover yourself and maybe one day meet someone decent?

he has a history of messaging girls and lying about it? Personally that would be enough for me to end it. Sorry you are so upset, sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. So what are you going to do now?