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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner planning suicide. Should I help?

66 replies

colourchaos · 18/03/2013 19:54

After too many chances, I ruined our relationship with selfish, deceitful and unfaithful behaviour. I don't think any details are needed but i don't want to under play it, I was horrible and regret everything. I only want to see her happy.

I have been told by her and read public messages that she plans suicide for the end of this month or next. I know this isn't all my fault but feel guilty and still have very strong feelings for her. I believe she shouldn't forgive me even if she could so i walked away (pushed but stopped trying) thinking it was the best thing for her.

I don't know what to do. I know I could help but should I given the circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
colourchaos · 18/03/2013 23:18

I do want her. I actually had a hard time dealing with it being over and ended up in hospital. She was perfect for me. I was stupid. I don't think there is a way back now anyway. Given that, would contact just upset things more or might it help? Or should I stay silent and let the professionals deal with it? or both?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 18/03/2013 23:20

It sounds very complicated and messy. Probably healthier for you to stay away so that you can both move on, I'd say.

Sorry you're in this position.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2013 23:24

erk, it sounds very erm, complex

and fucked up, frankly

it sounds like it would be best for both of you to move on

frazzledpants · 18/03/2013 23:35

You say it is on a blogging website? Does that mean nobody in real life knows her on there so it's not like she is telling her friends and family?

Can you give us some detail as to why the relationship ended?

cestlavielife · 18/03/2013 23:38

Print out and show to her gp or to your gp so they can act on it.
If is true she needs help. You cannot give that help.
She needs professional input

pippibluestocking · 18/03/2013 23:45

There are a couple of misconceptions being bands around on this thread, planning is a major risk factor for suicide, impulsive acts tend to indicate less intent although obviously that is not always the case. Also all evidence indicates that most people who complete suicide have told someone about their wish to end their life beforehand so don't fall for the old chestnut that people who talk about don't do it. Not sure that you are the best person to help her though. I think if I were you, I'd keep a distance but alert her GP / local MH service to what she is saying.

frazzledpants · 18/03/2013 23:49

Just as an aside, If you want her why did you ruin the relationship?
What did you do to make her this upset?

We can't really advice based on guesswork but if your still in the position to hurt her, if you'r still doing whatever it is you did that ruined it (you mentioned being unfaithful) surely you need to ask yourself how exactly you still want her?

You don't cheat on someone you say you want.

Original poster
colourchaos · 18/03/2013 23:50

Thank you for your honesty and practical advice.

OP posts:
TheFallenNinja · 18/03/2013 23:51

Report then walk away. If she's genuinely serious then she needs professional help, if she's not then fine.

Either way, it's not your responsibility.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2013 23:51

Did you cheat on her, CC ?

frazzledpants · 19/03/2013 00:16

Can you come back and answer our questions OP?

It sounds like you care for this woman but you have obviously done some things very wrong to have screwed up her head so bad so unless you have actually changed and stopped wronging her what good would contact do?

And i happen to disagree with other posters on here saying report her, it could very well be the thing that tips her over the edge, OP says she has not done it yet so she could make sure her kids are safe first but if she feels pressured by SS or police then whats to stop her snapping?

cabbageandbeans · 19/03/2013 00:21

You know you could help?!!!! It is unlikely.

People who plan suicide often go on to do it, it is not always an impulsive act. Those who really mean to do so, do it. If someone publicly announces their intentions it is not necessarily manipulative. This individual may want others to know how distressed they are, how they feel.

If you have children with this person then obviously their health and safety need to be considered, GP, Social Services, local Mental health team for advice, ask one of he friends to be more involved/persuade to go to A&E (will be seen by mental health team there).

If there are no children involved. Back off. It is really none of your business what she does now, considering your behaviour. Please leave her to heal. You are the last person she will want to help.

Mimishimi · 19/03/2013 00:25

If you cheated on her and left her, I think you should just leave her alone TBH. She may be telling friends that she feels suicidal now but she'll probably get through it, particularly since she has the kids, and meet someone new in time.

frazzledpants · 19/03/2013 00:37

What if her being left alone means she does it though? What if she actually still wants him and feels this is her only way out because he has not contacted her? OP answer some questions, is she publicly declaring she is going to do it or is this blog private? Have you actually spoken to her since you broke up with her?

Lizzabadger · 19/03/2013 04:30

Alert GP/social services. Do not contact her. Stay out of her life. Stop reading her blog and move on.

Original poster
colourchaos · 19/03/2013 20:25

Apologies, I am new to MN and wasn't aware the topic had new messages. I haven't acted on your advice yet.

AnyFucker, yes I did.

cabbageandbeans, the children are not mine.

frazzledpants, the blog is hidden from friends and family (you need the URL, which she changes). In terms of situation, I share the same circle of friends with the OW and see the OW during group outings (e.g. nights out). We have not spoken since the break up; except I tried sending anonymous messages to support, listen and cheer her up. I don't think providing further details on the cause of the break up is relevant; I was unfaithful, deceitful and consistently let her down. I wasn't a good boyfriend.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/03/2013 20:32

good grief man,this isnt about you,you you.your posts all you,your dilemma
do stop hand wringing and pontificating about what was said,done in past
you need to call Social services,children and family duty team,and GP inform them shes distressed

AnyFucker · 19/03/2013 20:37

in that case, stay away from her and go through the professionals

I stick by my original advice even more strongly

SoSweetAndSoCold · 19/03/2013 20:43

Myth: People who talk about suicide aren?t serious and won?t go through with it.

Fact: People who kill themselves have often told someone that they do not feel life is worth living or that they have no future. Some may have actually said they want to die. While it?s possible that someone might talk about suicide as a way of getting the attention they need, it?s vitally important to take anybody who talks about feeling suicidal seriously.

taken from http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/myths-about-suicide

There is a lot of ignorance on this thread. Please get professional advice. I know several people who have killed themselves, they all talked about it in advance.

frazzledpants · 19/03/2013 20:57

Are you still seeing OW? Since you broke up?
If so then why do you even care what she does, it sounds to me like you are just trying to ease a guilty conscience, You said you were considering having her move in at one point how did you expect that to work if you are still cheating on her by spending time with OW? Surely if you regretted it you would have never seen OW again and friends who let you cheat are not friends i would want in my life at all.

Original poster
colourchaos · 19/03/2013 21:57

Thank you,

we broke up on Wednesday. She seems to have planned suicide long before though. I last saw the OW on Friday on a graduation celebration with friends. I avoided pictures with the OW as I believe my ex gap access to any pictures uploaded to social networks and I didn't want to upset her even if I am now single with no chance of getting back with her. however some drunken pictures were uploaded against my wishes. I admit to an alcohol issue atm trying to get over this and forget my regrets. My ex and I planned to move south, so group outings wouldn't be an issue. In terms of moving in, I assume it would be temporary till we moved south and I would have less need for group outings and I assume my ex would have come out with me. I honestly don't know. I would have winged it and hoped for the best and dealt with any issues.

I am sorry. This is not about me. I have a tendancy to manipulate things to be about me, but I am trying to stop that and change but being New to it, I don't really know what I am doing. And I am ..guessing just saying is bad. But this is not about me, I deserve and expect abuse for my behaviour. I started this thread so I could best help her. Whether that be contacting her or staying away or forwarding the messages to public services.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/03/2013 22:01

have you forwarded the messages to any professionals that could help her yet ?

frazzledpants · 19/03/2013 22:05

Well you know her best, what do YOU think she wants/needs?
But if you are serious about wanting to make it work then you understand you can't ever see the OW again right? Even if it means leaving a party/outing ect, no relationship can survive infidelity that still hangs around.
At the end of the day if you believe you can change and you never get into this situation again and you believe you can make her happy then go for it but if you cant stay faithful to the woman you love then dont bother getting in touch you could do more harm than good.

Original poster
colourchaos · 19/03/2013 22:16

No, I have not forwarded the messages to public services yet. I logically think that's the right thing to do, but uncertain how they would act and thinking it may cause more issues... I want to make the right decision for once.

She would rather see me "hit by a train" at the moment. So direct contact doesn't seem like a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
colourchaos · 19/03/2013 22:18

of course I understand contact including group outings where the OW may be present would have to be avoided. that would not be an issue.

OP posts:
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