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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I stop obsessing about marriage??

49 replies

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:09

I'm in my 30s and never been married. I'm now in a relationship with someone who, despite his faults I love to pieces. We have so much in common and do more or less everything together. I would love to marry him but he's never mentioned marriage, neither have I but secretly I'm hoping so much he will propose to me at some point this year. It's not the wedding itself, I can do without the dress and not that bothered about the ring - it's the principle of it. 100% commitment. I think a recent visit to a fortune teller who told me I'd get engaged this year has just made it worse. I find myself getting stupidly jealous of the "woman he married first" which I know is ridiculous.

I just want to chill out, enjoy our relationship (we've not even been together a year yet!) and think what will be will be but I can't help thinking about it all the time. How do I get myself out of this daftness? We have loads of stuff planned this year, holidays, moving in together, family get togethers etc ... I need to chill the f out don't I? so somebody tell me how please.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2013 14:11

Why not mention it? You don't have to make it some big heavy deal, just pick your moment and float it into the conversation. It's obviously playing on your mind.

scaevola · 18/03/2013 14:13

Marriage is a perfectly respectable ambition, and I think you need to talk to DP about this before you move in with him.

Also, when you say "despite his faults" what do you mean? Ignoring red flags is never a good idea, especially when they show as early as the first year of dating; and before cohabitation I doubt you mean minor irritants like clipping toenails in the sitting room.

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:14

He's so touchy about stuff though, if I mention marriage to him he'll panic and say I'm rushing things. Then again, he has brought it up a couple of times lately in jest - he said to me the other day "my mate said I'll come back from holiday a married man!" and he's said other similar stuff but always as a joke. We've never talked about getting married in a serious sense.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2013 14:17

So pick him up on it... be assertive. 'I know you're joking but would it really be so bad to come back from holiday married?' etc. If he panics etc & you're not on the same page, it's better to find out sooner rather than later. Time has a way of slipping through your fingers otherwise

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:18

To be fair though we have only been together about 8 months. Would it be more reasonable to wait until we'd been together a year and bring it up then?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2013 14:20

If it's important to you to get married there's no point wasting more time on someone that isn't interested. You're not getting down on one knee and proposing, just sounding him out. If you're both in your thirties it's got to be on the radar.

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:20

Other people have mentioned it too. His mum said last week "don't you dare come back from holiday having been married by Elvis" (we're going to vegas) and my mum said in front of him "promise you won't get married abroad, I don't wanna miss it!" - both times he just went red and laughed.

A couple of days later he came in and said his mate was renewing his wedding vows in vegas rub it in why don't you!

OP posts:

scaevola · 18/03/2013 14:20

No, there's no need to set a timetable. Though I recommend you do talk about it before beginning to cohabit. Because if he's serious that he doesn't want to marry, you need to decide if you will settle for that before you are domestically embroiled.

BunnyLebowski · 18/03/2013 14:22

Wanting to get married is fine.

Obsessing about getting married to the extent that it has a negative effect on your life is not. And throwing away a good relationship (presuming that's what you have) because it wouldn't lead to a wedding is mad. If he didn't want to ever get married would you leave him?

I have to be honest, you sound a wee bit loopy about it (the fortune teller gubbins, use of words like jealous and obsessing).

Marriage is no guarantee of happiness and doesn't make your relationship any more valid or likely to succeed than those between unmarried couples.

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:23

I remember bringing it up very vaguely a few months back. I said to him "would you ever get married again?" and he did the "mechanic sigh" (the one they do just before they tell you your car is going to cost a fortune to fix) and said "yeah .... yeah I probably would but I'd have to know the person for a long time first, I don't want my name known at the divorce courts" and laughed it off again. But then we'd only been together less than 5 months.

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 18/03/2013 14:24

I think this is a good time to discuss these things, being touchy and not taking your feelings into consideration sounds a bit iffy to me

If he's been married before he may well be a bit twitchy about getting it wrong again ?

BunnyLebowski · 18/03/2013 14:25

You've been together 8 months?

It doesn't matter if you're 16 or 36. At 8 months in you should be enjoying getting to know each other and having amazing fun dates, not fixating on him proposing to you.

Most men I know would run a mile if a girlfriend of 8 months started hinting about getting engaged. Especially one with a failed marriage already behind him.

Chill yer boots woman.

prettywhiteguitar · 18/03/2013 14:26

Sorry xposted

dementedmom · 18/03/2013 14:28

What Cogito said.

I'm a bit concerned really but possibly reading too much into it. After 8 months of being together, you should be comfortable enough to discuss things like babies, marriage, moving in together etc. IMO, those things are something which should be talked about right at the very start, as there is no point continuing into a serious relationship if you both want different things.

Honestly, 8 months isn't too soon to discuss what you both want out of the relationship long term. And if he does go running off scared, then you had a lucky escape.

Helltotheno · 18/03/2013 14:30

Look you're in your 30s so you'd be foolish to wait around indefinitely for this. You can have a conversation with him where you tell him that in general, you want marriage, without setting a time frame. Then do set your own time frame. How long are you happy to be with him without marriage being on the cards, a year, two years?

If he hasn't delivered in that time frame, he doesn't want it with you and you need to cut your losses.

Helltotheno · 18/03/2013 14:30

Just to add to that, at the ages you are, it should be pretty clear after a year imo whether things are heading in that direction.

Mumsyblouse · 18/03/2013 14:31

I disagree with everyone who says you should ask him about it. Bunny is right, this is waaaay too soon. If you don't want to move in with someone unless you are married, you can let him know that before you move in. Otherwise, I would say nothing on the matter.

I know this is not fashionable on MN, because it's all about being honest and transparent and communicating at all times, but sometimes you are not sure what you want and it is only by the other person doing something that you realise your own strength of feeling. I don't think after 8 months you should be pushing him to reveal his intentions, perhaps he is making his mind up, perhaps he is unsure, perhaps he really would love to marry you but not yet. You can't 'lightly' bring up marriage, basically if you mention it you might as well say 'are you going to marry me then, or what?'

I have friends who went on and on about marriage for years before it happened, and when they eventually did get married it was not a very exciting or romantic event, essentially they had forced their partners in a rather begrudging way.

I would say nothing about it, think of this as a time when you are evaluating HIM as a partner, not the other way around, and if it comes to moving in and you feel you need to know, just ask, although my husband's exact words were 'it would be great to move in together but I'm not sure about marriage just yet' (to which I replied 'phew, me too') and he proposed within a couple of months. Take it easy, especially as he has been married before and knows it is not all hearts and flowers.

plinkyplonks · 18/03/2013 14:35

I definitely think it's worth asking him if marriage is part of your future together. Better to find out than later. 8 months in I don't think is too soon to have that conversation. Good luck!

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 14:37

I know the OP has only been with her partner 8 months - but IMO that should be long enough to talk easily about what things are important to you (like marriage).

DH asked me to marry him after knowing each other a year. It was a 'surprise' proposal, as in I didn't know he was going to ask me then and there, but we both 'knew' we would eventually get married after being together a few months - because it just felt right and we could talk easily about the (shared) future we both wanted. That was probably one of the main things that set him apart from any other man I'd ever met, right from day one.

If he's so 'anti' that would set alarm bells ringing for me, tbh...

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:41

I know what you're saying. I have a friend who said to me the other day "oh s* keeps going on about engagement rings and keeps asking which type I'd go for when the time comes" - I can't imagine my DP ever saying anything like that and my friend has only been with her partner 4 months!

My cousin said to me last week "oh A* and I have discussed marriage, he says he'd like us to get engaged officially later this year or early next year so we can actually get married next year" - they've only been together 6 months. Again, I can't imagine my DP ever saying anything like that. I find it upsetting really. Even if he was to say "I'd love to marry you but maybe in a couple of years?" that would be good enough for me, but he doesn't even mention it unless its in a joking sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miast · 18/03/2013 14:43

But then again he was married for 17 years and has only been divorced for 2. So I suppose he is going to be guarded about the whole thing. Just wish he would talk to me about it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2013 14:44

If it's important to you Miast, it's important to you. So yes, it might have him running for the hills and yes, you may be rather obsessive about it compared to others but this is your life and you should live it on your terms... whatever that may mean.

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 14:45

Miast reading that makes me

You deserve to be made to feel loved and cherished by your partner - it doesn't sound like he's making much effort to do that...

noddyholder · 18/03/2013 14:45

In the same way it obsesses you it is of no interest to him. In a relationship like this someone has to make a huge change

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 14:46

and yes to what Cogito says...

And personally I don't think being divorced should make any difference. Surely it's the people in the marriage that make it fail, not the institution itself...

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