How do I stop obsessing about marriage??

[Miast]

I'm in my 30s and never been married. I'm now in a relationship with someone who, despite his faults I love to pieces. We have so much in common and do more or less everything together. I would love to marry him but he's never mentioned marriage, neither have I but secretly I'm hoping so much he will propose to me at some point this year. It's not the wedding itself, I can do without the dress and not that bothered about the ring - it's the principle of it. 100% commitment. I think a recent visit to a fortune teller who told me I'd get engaged this year has just made it worse. I find myself getting stupidly jealous of the "woman he married first" which I know is ridiculous.

I just want to chill out, enjoy our relationship (we've not even been together a year yet!) and think what will be will be but I can't help thinking about it all the time. How do I get myself out of this daftness? We have loads of stuff planned this year, holidays, moving in together, family get togethers etc ... I need to chill the f out don't I? so somebody tell me how please.

Miast I think the big issue here, if I've read it right, is that he has been married before and so isn't having the same wedding fantasies as you necessarily. I don't think it is bad to sound it out generally, if you feel you must, but I also think people need time to process things and for him to see that you are not the same as his ex (not entirely sure if he's been married before but if he has this will be a factor). I don't agree you have to have decided on marriage at 8 months, I certainly hadn't.

I am also not sure that what people say is what they do, I can think of at least one couple where they talked about marriage very early on, but it never happened and she ended up issuing ultimatums (how romantic). In other cases, the man has been initally very reluctant (because of first marriage disaster, not wanting to change things) but then they have gone on to get married quite quickly.

I am a big believer in fate (well, that you align well together) and if you are meant to marry, you will find a way to that end, conversation or no conversation. If it is not on the agenda, then you won't, even if you decide to do it/talk loads about it.

And- I don't think all these people running around at 4 months going on about engagements and future plans are relevant to you at all. People often do this, and don't get engaged or married! Some people just love to be in love and love to display their public romantic side. I think it is very unlikely someone who has just come out of a long marriage is going to treat marriage in quite the same way.

What Cogito said again.

My DP wouldn't say anything like that either, even now after 9 years of being together, and I had absolutely no idea he was going to propose when he did after 7 years of being together. It was completely out of the blue. So just because he doesn't ask questions, or talk seriously about it, it doesn't mean he won't ever marry you.

With regards to my DP, he had witnessed one too many messy, nasty divorces to last him a life time, he just wanted to make sure we weren't going to drift apart or what not, which I wanted to be absolutely sure of before getting married too. It is one thing getting married, but you don't want to go rushing into it and then possibly end up with a divorce. So just ask him about how he sees your lives in 5 or 10 years time, and then you will get a feel for what he wants. Then relax, and enjoy getting to know each other better and having fun.

"Most men I know would run a mile if a girlfriend of 8 months started hinting about getting engaged."

Most men I've met are incredibly decisive when it comes to affairs of the heart.

If they are smitten, they'll be smitten by 8 months.

And they won't run a mile at the idea of marrying you.

Yes but demented you may have had time to wait 7 years. Plenty give their childbearing years to men in the hope it'll lead to something and get dumped in the end.

If you want kids OP, you have to lay it out and set a time frameactually quite a short one. Obviously if you don't want kids, wait longer, you've less to lose ie, your fertile years--.

You don;t have to be married to have kids

If you want marriage and children, then tell him - don't ask him what he wants, tell him what you want. Say that while you aren't goign to push him towards it or nag, it's best he's honest with you if that's not something he's ever going to want.

8 months!

Hell, I know and understand that. I was explaining to the OP that my DP was exactly the same, and never asked questions and so on, but he still went on to propose. So basically advising her not to write him off wanting to based on that alone.

BTW - in my experience, a lot of people in their 30s do get engaged and/or married after very short time frames, because a) you've both grown up enough to know what you do and don't want and are able to recognise it in a partner without it taking 5 years to get to that stage and b) if you want children, a woman in her 30s doesn't have 5 years to waste 'getting to know you' - most men are grown up enough to realise if they want children with a woman in her 30s they have to get on with it quick, much better than faffing around for 6-7 years, then deciding to commit to her, then finding you've left it too late as a couple to have DCs.

But then, most people in their 30s are confident enough to spell out early on what they do and don't want. It's worrying that after 8 months you still don't feel able to clearly state what you do want long term.

I think 8 months is very early. I bet he isn't even thinking of marriage. Why don't you just ask him?

I'm of the same view as mumsy, but if I had marriage in mind I wouldn't make the life-changing decision to move in with a guy without having had some conversation as to whether that level of commitment was as far as it went on his part.

That said, I wouldn't marry a guy I hadn't previously lived with and I wouldn't be rushing to live with a guy I'd only known for 8 months.

It concerns me that you describe yourself as loving this guy 'to pieces despite his faults'. What are his faults? If you don't know his views on, what would for him be a second, marriage per se do you really have as much in common as you think?

If you want to get married are in your 30s please please dont waist time on somone whom your not sure wants to get wed

My sister is now on year 8 of waoting to gett marrief

First. It was oh lets travell
Then lets have a baby
Then lets buy a house

8 years on after all that she still waiting

Manwile i meet and martied somone who proposed with in a year and i was up front and pretty much made it clear to my bloke i wont end up like my sister and after 18 months you better put a ring or make some room for somone who will

izzyizin we met for a year married the next been 5 year and love him even more

If you want to get married at some point in the future then tell him, I don't understand the concept of waiting to be asked, it should be a joint decision which you both want

I don't see anything wrong in being honest with him about it, it's both of your futures and if it's important or a long term deal breaker for you then he deserves to know - but that's not to say you should push it within a set time period, but I think you should talk about it

I don't think it matters that much whether you are in your thirties or not, the basic principle of marry in haste, repent at leisure is a good one within reason. I don't think 8 months is that long to get to know someone, and you have said that this year is all about doing things for the first time, like holidays, meeting the folks, perhaps moving in. I would see how the holidays and meeting the folks go first and then evaluate where you are.

I agree you shouldn't leave it 5-7 years, or never mention marriage and wait passively for a proposal, but there's a balance between that and rushing in all Beyonce-like and saying 'do you want to get married or it's a deal-breaker'. Why not go a few more months into finding out more about him, his faults, what he's like on holiday, how he is around your folks as well as him. I don't think being older (in marriage terms) should make you desperate to rush this stage (which you are not).

God some of this is depressing in terms of feminism and progression.

He has said he would get married but needs to know person long time first. 8 months is not long time. See how yet get on living together first, you're jumping the gun

I agree noddy.

It beggars belief that in 2013, women are still leaving men with all the power to decide their futures.

If you want to marry this bloke OP, just bloody well ask him. If he says 'no' or 'not yet' that's fair enough, but make a decision based on that and if you want kids only after marriage, set a time limit with him about how long you'll be prepared to wait. It really is that simple.

Forget fortune-tellers or woo bollocks. Get practical.

No-one's suggesting they should actually get married after 8 months. Just that she should be able to bring it up as a topic of conversation. Which, quite frankly, you should be able to do on the first date if you so wish, otherwise what's the point. Why have a partner, or even a potential partner, if you can't mention what's important to you in front of them, lest it causes some real or imaginary offence or leaves a bad impression? What's the point of even dating someone if that's the kind of relationship you have with them?

Marriage isn't equally important to everyone. It isn't/wasn't important to me. I can talk about it, though. Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't this bloke? Maybe he doesn't want to get married, or maybe he doesn't want to get married yet, but surely he's able to hold a fifteen-minute conversation about it? What's so difficult about it?

Sorry but I think you need to slow down. You have only been together 8 months and if you are not careful you may end up driving him away. There is nothing wrong with talking about the future and discussing whether the relationship is heading in a more serious direction.

I have to say though OP, you do come across a bit immature about it and appear to be obsessing about marriage for its own sake. You are comparing yourself to other women/couples, how long they've been together, citing platitudes like it's a '100% commitment' and so on.

I suggest you have a think about it first and clarify within yourself what your real reasons are, what are the scenarios in which you feel marriage would make an important difference etc., and then maybe bring up the topic with your partner in relation to those scenarios, ask him what he thinks (e.g. having children, handling finances when living together etc. etc.) rather than just nag him in a vague hypothetical way about something you can't even explain to yourself why you want. That does come across negatively and could weigh on an otherwise good relationship, but that's not the same as saying you shouldn't ever mention something that is genuinely important to you.

My heart says "eight months, are you nuts?"

My head says you are in your 30s and marriage (and I assume kids) is what you want. If you don't bring it up now, when do you? After two years? What if he makes it clear then that it's not on the cards. You then spend six months agonising whether to leave him or not, 6-12 months getting over him, 6-12 months before you meet someone else you're keen on (if you're lucky), another two years before you're "allowed" to mention marriage... before you know it the fertility window has slammed shut. It's not about rushing in, it's about making it clear that you have certain needs and expectations and if he can't meet them you need that information so you can make an informed choice.

OP why do you keep starting, and then abandoning, threads like this? Shouldn't you be on holiday in the US with your DP by now?

I'm sorry to have to say this but given everything you've said here and on your other threads He's Just Not That Into You.