Ive just left my partner of 15 years. What have I done?

[Wossit]

I put a thread in chat but this place is more appropriate. When I outlines my situation, all agreed I was best out of it.

But I cant switch my head off. Every few minutes Im flitting between thinking Ive done the right thing. We couldnt continue that way.

But the other though makes me cry, I wonder why couldnt I just shut my mouth and carry on the way we were? So there was no sex and no commitment but there was company, there was laughs, and the kids saw their beloved dad every day.

Now Im sat in alone, in a town where I know no-one, Im going to break the kids hearts when I tell them (my eldest anyway, the youngest is too young) and I hate being lonely. I have no life, the baby has serious multiple healtg problems, is breastfed and hugely reliant on me.

This is all my making. Ex didnt want another child, I wanted to move to this town and Ive made the decision to end this bad relationship.

Ive fucked it all up. And now I have to sit on my arse every night on my own and know that everyone is unhappy because of me.

I'm divorced now and found separation very very hard. As a Mum we take so much on ourselves and the guilt is excruciating. We want our kids to have the best and be happy and they will be, if Mummy is happy too.

I promise you that when things settle and you have some distance on this all, you'll be glad that you walked away. And it's possible to have an amicable co parenting relationship and that they have the best of both worlds.

It's not healthy for children to be in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure you know that but it's worth saying it again.

Right now all your hopes and dreams are shattered, it's hard to imagine things getting better but from here on in, but it's an upwards climb my love.

Keep talking if it helps x

Wossit's other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1709755-Ive-LTB-I-need-to-write-down-why-so-I-can-really-see-for-myself-WHY

Give it time. See if you still feel like this in a few weeks - it's a hell of an upheaval and you're bound to be having wobbles. And if you've made a hideous mistake - well, maybe that can be rectified. You need to be sure of what you want, and only time will give you that.

Thank you.

Right now, I think perhaps dealing with the lack of commitment, lack of affection etc is better than feeling like this.

I dont know what to do for the best. I dont know what to do.

Having read your other thread fully, this man could have a wife elsewhere for all you know. He's treated you appallingly for years.

There are good, decent men out there who will want YOU and to live with you full time! He's crushed your self esteem my love x

Looking at the other thread, what you've done is made a good decision, and not before time!

A man in his 40's with no place to live, sleeping sometimes at your house and sometimes on friends' sofas? What on earth is going on in his head? Lots of other stuff I needn't repeat here, people can look on the thread if they want. But what makes you think that kind of relationship was better than nothing?

You need time to grieve...it will get better, you will feel better...but just now, be kind to yourself, take time to breathe, appreciate the small things that give you pleasure, cuddle your DC.

There will be a new and better life, you will get there.

keep posting as much as it helps.

for you

Arf @ him having another wife. If he does, the poor women is being even more neglected than me. Plus, I dont believe anyones as stupid to do this as me.

Why do I think its better? Because Im absolutely not ready for any kind of new relationship and wont for a few years, and he may not be able to commit but he's a good, good man. My best friend basically, probably why its been so easy to fall into this silly way of life. Because the children continue to see their Dad.

But obviously I could say that in 2 years time and wished Id ended it now because then I really would feel ready to move on and Id wasted another 2 years. We're also giving out children a terrible example of what a relationship should be. Are we completely fucking up their ability to have decent, long lasting relationships as adults?

Thank you fool.

You do need time on your own to recover, before embarking on another relationship and time to work through your own issues and how you allowed yourself to be treated so badly and think it's good or normal. You deserve so much more and need to come to a place of believing that and knowing that there are good people out there.

I actually had some counselling after separation and I went on anti depressants for a year. Both were hugely helpful.

My ExH saw the children regularly and I maintained good boundaries in that period.

It probably all feels over whelming right now though.

One step at a time right now. Be good to yourself.

I got no support from my family and felt lonely as well. Mn was a life line for me at the time but now I'm on the up and finally feel I have friends and a social life. It'll come. Don't waste your life with this man though. Try and have a vision for the future.

What's your relationship with your family like? Could you move closer to them?

Holds hans

No I definitely wouldnt move closer to my family. They live a long way away and Ive not lived there for years and years.

I know people in this county, but not this town so Im not totally alone always.

Ive let all my friends and family believe we're in a normal relationship. I think they'd be utterly shocked if I told them the truth.

Councelling. Now thats not such a bad idea at all. I struggle with my thoughts during times like this, in that I feel as though Im having 500 at once, trying to make sense of it all, and I cant seem to switch off.

I keep thinking all of this is my making, all my fault. But actually Ive tried ending this many times (but not for the last 6 or so years) and every time I had a hint of a new relationship suddenly he was the perfect boyfriend and I fell for it. We've been going round in the same circle for 15 years. Arse.

How was your upbringing?

My Dad was very abusive to me as a child, a lot of smacking, telling me I was a difficult child, humiliation and intimidation.

I always think everything is my fault and put up with some appalling behaviour in my marriage before he left me for the ow. And I still wanted him back for a while.

I maybe projecting but counselling could be a huge help to you x

From the age of about 11 my dad completely stopped talking to me. Quite literally, Id get home from school and there wouldnt even be a 'hello'. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. No communication, no relationship, nothing.

Adolecent girls scared him, the door slamming the tantrums, and all that goes with it. His sister got pregnant at 13 so I think he expected me to do the same.

Then at 16 my parents divorced, both seperately blamed me, told me it was my fault and both used me as a shoulder to cry on (my mum had a 5 year affair, so how their seperation was my fault Ive no idea?).

And despite this, I seem to go for men resembling my father. What is THAT about? Rhetorical question.

But in comparisson to yours Dontstep mine doesnt compare, who humiliates a child thats horrible.

No ones is worse. That's awful. It explains a lot. Come and join the stately homes thread. As you start to unpack your past, it may help you to make smart choices for your future x

Do you pay for the councelling? Does it cost much?

The GP can refer you to a waiting list for an NHS one. I paid for mine but as I was non earning at the time, they charged me £5 ph.

Have you read any books at all like Children of the Self Absorbed? Toxic Parents? The Homecoming?

No, I mean, I have nice parents. I get on well with my dad now, althoughI only see him twice a year and my mum - well yeah she has her bad streaks actually. She was not a very nice person sometimes, I was her councel and her boxing bag once dad left.

Is the one you paid for, the one on the NHS? If not, how did you find it?

Thank you for helping me. X

Getting back to your difficult situation, can you create some boundaries on contact? So you can try and move on?

By boxing bag, I dont mean physically.

I think we all learn how to get on with our parents as adults but it's worth dealing with the past fully.

I was recommended this counselling service.

Where do you live roughly?

My ex doesnt have anywhere to live so this will be difficult. I also have a youngster with serious health complications who is more reliant on me than most his age. Hes had a crap start in life and he's very clingy to me, this also adds a spanner in the works

Im in East Sussex.

Well he needs to start renting a room he cannot stay at yours but he can visit them there and you go out or he takes them off to soft play etc. Then as you start to move on in life and let go, you could relax boundaries a little. They're fluid.

But things have to change. Or you'll never be free to move on and will live in limbo and dissatisfied with your situation for many years to come.

You can't rescue him anymore. His issue if he has no where to live. He's a grown man x