New baby has just really affected us. Any advice welcome

[PenelopeChipShop]

I don't get how people get their mojo back after having a baby. Had DS (first child) 8 months ago and if I'm being honest our relationship has never been so bad. Almost never have sex - no opportunity as ds is such a bad sleeper he comes into our bed every night. He hardly naps either. A couple of times we've tried while he is sleeping and he wakes after 20 mins. I am exhausted and snappy and much less patient than I used to be. Just feel like ds gets all my energy and there's nothing left for DH.

DH works really hard and is tired. He doesn't want ds in the bed but its the only way to get any sleep. We are meant to be sleep training him but putting it off as we are both dreading it. House is always a mess even though we have a cleaner. I just feel like I can't keep on top of it. Ds won't sit and watch me tidy up he always wants my attention. I don't understand how other mums get things done, I must be Inadequate. I see mums with manicures and nice hair and think. How on earth do you manage that. I look scruffy, never have time to do hair and make up. I feel sorry for DH as I don't feel like the same person but I don't know what to do, there is never any time for us. How do people reconnected alone have a second child. I just feel like we are surviving not really enjoying things, when surely we should be happy to have such a lovely healthy son.

Sorry about typos. 'Reconnect, let alone have a second child'

Come and join us on the High Needs Baby thread. We are all having the same issues.

And, have some

Which section is that in stargirl?

You're totally not inadequate. I too could not understand how other mothers managed to get their house clean, go to exercise classes...just basically get their shit together.etc. etc Your baby is only 8 months old, that's still really young, even if you feel like you 'should' have things sorted by now. Mine is 13mo and I (and DP) am only just beginning to feel like maybe I can wrest back control of the household, room by room.

Are you breastfeeding still? For a lot of people that affects sex drive. It affected me. Don't feel like you are the only set of exhausted parents who nearly never have sex, because you definitely aren't.

My dd is 13months and still is not that tolerant of me cooking/cleaning around her - but as she's gotten older I've realised what I can and can't do with her. I can do the laundry as she loves sorting the clothes although it takes me twice as long, but I cannot cook while she's playing. She will not tolerate it. Therefore I have learned to do some basic prep whenever she's asleep.

Finally. DD's sleep got a lot better around the 8-month mark. This was the beginning of the new normal for me. It's impossible to do anything when you're completely sleep deprived. In my opinion, and without knowing you or your DH or your DS- a good, reliable stretch of sleep every night will solve pretty much most all of your problems. Apparently the 'gradual withdrawal' method is gentle but still effective. Best of luck.

Hi. It's in the Sleep topic.

The only advice I have is to survive. Just do what it takes to survive. DD is a high needs baby and I get so down sometimes. DH is currently driving around aimlessly so she sleeps this afternoon and I get a couple of hours break.

You are not inadequate! This time is really difficult for lots of people, it's just no one talks about it.

I would really encourage you to go ahead with sleep training, or whatever you can do to get more sleep/rest -- being tired is the root cause of so many other problems.

My DS was a terrible sleeper for a long time, and my relationship with DH really suffered. Since he started sleeping it's been like a whole new life.

You may find that if he's sleeping better at night, he will nap a bit better in the day, which will also help.

Can you maybe try that American style 'date night' get a reliable babysitter once a month and reconnect? This isn't helpful but it doesn't last. Does the baby stay up until you go to bed? Couldn't you put baby up and get down to business downstairs ? A quicky is better than nothing, probably all we could manage being tired too.
Winter is a bit shit too, come spring/summer you can get out and about as a family and chat while baby is in buggy.

I will look for that thread stargirl thanks. Interesting that you think he sounds 'high needs'. I have been wondering for a while if I am just not coping as well as other mums I know as they just seem so much more together. Some of them have started going out in the evening etc. I don't feel I can do that as ds goes to bed at 7 but wakes at 9.30-10 and will only be settled by being put in bed with me! I know this is probably a terrible habit but am too knackered to work on it at the mo!

I think the suggestion of going for a date night is a good one though again it would have to be a pretty quick one for the above reason! But we could go somewhere local I suppose.

Is also true that I

I hear you! I feel utterly useless when I go to baby groups. DD is ALWAYS the most unsettled baby. The other mums are so shocked. I'm not really enjoying my mat leave, tbh. I hope the next 6 months are better than the first.

... I do have a tendency to assume everyone else is having a great sex life!! Not basing that on anything as I haven't discussed that in real life obviously but I guess I just assume that surely most people are doing better than us! I am still breastfeeding so maybe that isn't helping though I think the tiredness is more responsible really! Good to hear others have felt similarly!

I know what you mean stargirl. I always feel that I am the most moaning mum in our nct group. All the other babies have slept through the night at least once now even if they don't do it consistently (though most do) but my ds never ever has. The longest he has EVER slept is 4 hours 15 mins and that was in December. I feel like people think I am exaggerating to be the worst off mum or something but am only telling the truth. I just cannot get him to stay asleep for a decent stretch of time.

And the the only advice is - CC! Jeez, DD once screamed for 13 straight hours. 'Normal' daily screaming would be 3/4 hours.

We just gotta survive...this too will pass!

I'm pinning my hopes on a paeds appt in April. I might have a breakdown if they can't help us!

not inadecuate at all! could you ask someone to babysit to get some time for yourself or DH?
In my experience this get better with time!

Yes, we had to do date nights at home for the first year. They were still great! I would settle DS while DH made something nice for dinner, we'd put candles on the table and 'restaurant music' on, open some wine. I think they really helped a lot. We had so many awful fights but no matter how bad some days were, sitting down to a nice meal with each other made us feel human and normal again.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself -- sometimes surviving is all you can do. But if you can do a few small things to try to make life a little nicer, it's really worth it.

It does sound like you have a lot more to deal with than other mums. My DS was still sleeping badly at this age, but he had nice long naps in the day so I could do housework and shower. My friends' babies were all sleeping through by then. Really try not to compare yourself to others, it will just make you feel bad and it's not fair when you do have it harder.

dreaming, I suspect that your friends were probably fibbing when they said that all their babies were sleeping through at 8 months! Very few babies do!

I think at 8 months it wasn't unusual for my DD to waking up 2/3 times a night but it got better slowly but surely. She started started to sleep through more and more as time went on.

Oh yes 'home' date nights sound a good idea. Just a nice meal and music rather than collapsing in front of the tv. Only problem is the constant chores isn't it, the high chair still needs cleaning when I come back down from putting ds to bed and there's usually washing in the machine from earlier etc! Just feels like there is always something to be done!

We do the going for a long walk thing which I agree really helps, usually try to to time it with when ds wants to nap so we can talk. I think that was partly why I felt so down yesterday, weather was so shocking here that it wasn't even nice enough to get out for a walk and it felt like our precious family time was just being wasted stuck in the house with us all a bit fractious! Hopefully Spring time will help a bit too.

Seriously, I would just take the bull by the horns and start the sleep training....I felt like a zombie and our entire family life suffered with non-sleeping babies, but once sorted, everything magically righted itself again

Just realised that my advice sounded really smug....wasn't meant to! I meant that I would honestly try to sort the sleeping rather than trying to find time around your dd at the moment as you're on a hiding to nothing, either from the 'finding the time' side or then on the too bloody tired and ratty to then get on with your dh. Good luck. xx

Aside from the sleep. What's your daily routine like? Maybe you need to detach a bit from always being there for your baby? Don't flame me, but for me having clean styled hair and a bit of make up on was important. I showered every morning, did my hair etc. DS was in his cot (in our room, with en suite) he might have been a bit verbal whe I was doing it but waiting while I got ready wasn't going to kill him.

Are you intending to go back to work? A friends kids are terrible sleepers and now both parents are at work it's a nightmare, they're constantly shattered.

The home date night sounds good, I know LOADS of my friends do the M&S meal desk thing!!

I just wanted to say this is incredibly common. It's hugely tough that first year. We're now finding that the second year is easier - we have more routines, can do more with the baby, life gets easier and we have more time to reconnect.

Your DS is old enough for some sleep training - if you want to try it. But don't do anything along these lines that you aren't ready for it or plain don't want to.

Things that helped for us were trying to fix a date night, or at least making sure we sat at the dining table and had a conversation, rather than slumped, exhausted, in front of the telly at the end of the day.

Taking the time when baby was napping during the day to 'reconnect' () rather than doing housework; 8mo-ish was when she started to have some decent daytime naps on her own. Ditto using that time to sit down with a book if you are on your own.

Try and get some daytime routines in place where your baby can play while you are doing housework. As he learns to sit, crawl and cruise things can get hugely easier. So sorting, hanging and tidying the washing can be a fun game because many babies love playing with clothes. Washing up can be done while he feeds himself in his high chair next to you - again, if he isn't already feeding himself a lot, he soon should be able to. This way you've got most of the main tasks done during the day and it leaves more time in the evening.

And be open and honest with your DH. Tell him how you are feeling, that you know things seem hard but you do love him and you miss the time you used to spend together. I used to force myself to at least watch the news or flick through a paper so I had something else to talk to DP about than the baby - when you are at home all day, or going to baby groups, it's sometimes hard to find something else to talk about, and then that means your time without the baby can just become 'talk about the baby' time. Yes, babies are wonderful and amazing, but ten minutes of conversation about something else is nice too.

It really does get easier as they get older. at 14mo DD can now amuse herself and will happily potter around me while I do the housework, I just chat and interact with her at the same time so it still feels like quality time between the two of us.

At this stage, path of least resistance.

We kept our two in with us for the first couple of years. It was what they wanted and needed - they were still bf at night well into their second year, dc2 untill he was practically 2. The cot, with one side open, was by our bed. We still had sex - quietly, when we were sure they were asleep. It's fine at that age. Or in the living room.

Housework standards went down, particularly as regards clutter. Basic hygiene and being able to move around were important :) There was a time where I would do one room every evening - so it didn't feel like too much work but the place stayed in a decent state. Our two were helping tidy toys, in an enjoyable way, from very very little.

I think you probably also need to readjust downwards your expectations of parenthood, yourselves, and each other at this point in your lives. Weather the storm. It is a tough time and it is natural, I think, to be in a state of mild shock at how much changes. But as long as you keep using the small opportunities you have to connect - and (both) accept with good grace that you may be interrupted - you will get through.