I literally can't cope with this situation with my MIL ...

[arrrghhhh]

I don't really know what I expect in the way of advice, but here goes. . .

This situation has been going on for a few years. I feel trapped and depressed about it.

Basically, my MIL is (I believe) mentally unstable and interferes constantly. My partner is spineless and at ties does stand up for me and 'our' family, at times lets her get on with it and says he "won't get involved", and at other times actually CLEARLY sides with MIL and goes against me and joins in with her bullying manipulative ways. To be honest, which one of these options he follows depends on what best suits him at the time. This issue, amongst other issues between us means our relationship which could barely be called that, is hanging by a thread / stalemate and has been for some time anyway, and i have lost most of my respect for him because of this issue.

MIL openly believes and says that I am a bad mother. When I am not, and there is NO evidence, neither does any health professional think or anyone I know think that I am a "bad mother". She will do this slyly, by making comments etc, but she will also say those words openly.

She is a drama queen. Drinks super strength lager every night and will then text or call hysterically.

My partner has been setting up a new business the past 3 years which only this past year has started to generate reliable income. Before this I worked full time to bridge the gap. MIL has commented that I "care about money more than I care about children"

I am "no good for her son" . She begged him to reconsider us moving in together many years ago.

Every argument me and my partner have she gets involved in it. I certainly don't tell her of these rows, he must do so. But she will start "defending" her son and raising her arms, screaming at me as soon as I walk into her house to collect DS (more on that later). Partner has been working very long hours to set up the business but it was having strain on the family so we agreed he would have one full day off a week. When she heard of this, she said that I was henpecking him and controlling him and what did I want him to do, become a house husband or something ? (erm no just spend time with his family!).

She is hysterical, oftens infers meanings that aren't there, she is over the top with the DCs (we have 2 one is 8 and the other 3) - all over them, over the top smothering affection all the time. I know, I know, you can't give a child too much affection, but I mean she is hugging and squeezing and shrieking and coo-ing even when they are running away trying to play. If some aqaintance makes a passing remark, like the other day an little old lady said about DS "oh you are too big to be in a buggy, you are a big boy", MIL went MAD and started telling the woman off .

She believes that because I am not like her, I'm more private in my affections and I'm not over the top when it comes to the DC, then I am - quote - "not bonding with DS" (he is 3!!! and bonded with him from birth ffs!) and that I "don't communicate properly" with my children!

I find her stressful when she is being "nice" and horrendously depressing when she is being difficult.

I would honestly be thankful never to have to speak to her again. However the issue is childcare. I still work part time although I have cut my hours down - I have to. Financially we need my wage it's as simple as that. I don't love my work, it's OK enjoy parts, hate other parts.

I work 9-2 Monday to Fri. DD at school and DS has to go to MIL 3 of these days despite me having to run around like a headless chicken going out of my way to drop him off and pick him up at her house 30 mins away, because my partner 'doesn't believe in childminders' says 'no way' to the DC having a childminder, even a very professional registered CM lady I've known for years who lives in same street!

MIL has DS 3-4 days a week whilst I work (just 9-2 hours though). She does not discipline him at all. Ignores anything me or P have asked her to do / not to do with DS (for example no hard lollipops, still feel he is too young - she just ignores and gives DS them anyway ) . If DS is having a tantrum, she cannot cope - she starts crying herself!!! and gets hysterical at the slightest things, escalating DS behaviour. Threatens but does not follow through. I believe her mad behaviour is affecting DS and I really worry about this.

However P still will not agree to a childminder no matter what. So I am stuck really. It is so strained when I do pick ups.

I asked my partner last week to have words with her about something regarding DS behaviour and what she was doing in regards to it (going off crying when DS has a tantrum). Ie to tell her that it will confuse and upset DS seeing that. He went away to speak to her. About half an hour later she INFORMS me that I will need to make other childcare arrangements as she will not be doing it anymore, because I am "blaming" her for youngest's tantrums (!). Well hallelujah, I'd love to make other arrangements! This is the third time in 2 years she has threatened the "well I am not going to look after children for you then" , stupid childish ploy. She has in the past retracted her statement a few days later. She doesn't seem to get that I would dearly love to use childminder instead of dealing with her drama. But P won't have a childminders, nothing but his own angelic mother (to him). She cannot just decide when to take a little strop and

How do i cope with this until DS is at school at the least. I feel so trapped by it and depressed if I'm honest.

Why is it your partner's decision about childcare when the effect of that decision has the most impact on you? You say it's you who bears the brunt of all the running around so therefore the decision should be yours.

The problem here is not the MIL actually. It's your partner.

If he was the right partner for you and supported you throughout, pulling his weight in every aspect of the relationship, MIL's threat would be nullified.

I almost never comment on MIL threads but when ever I see one, I have the same thoughts. The problem is with the son and partner, but because the OP doesn't want to make a decision to leave the relationship, it's safer to blame the third party.

So you are going to have to book your DS in with the local childminder yourself. This cannot go on.

Oh dear, I agree - MIL is clearly in the wrong but the focus needs to be on your partner and why he's not supporting you and your family's needs.

You need to put your children first, MIL's behaviour is clearly erratic and not it's obviously not a stable place to leave your kids - and if it's making you depressed there's also your health to consider. Put your foot down with DP and engage the services of your childminder friend. Let him know that the situation with MIL is unacceptable and that this is what is best for your children and for you. Once the children are in a happy and stable environment you can then work on both your relationship with him and then with MIL.

Good luck!

OP if you live in the UK, have you checked your 15 hours funded childcare entitlement for your 3 year old? If the childminder you like is registered, she should be able to offer this to you which will make it more financially viable.

You do not have to leave your child with your MIL- she sounds hideous. Cut ties with her as much as you can.
Good luck.

I'm not sure what childcare you have on the other days but you should make sure that you are using your 15 hours of government funded childcare each week now your DS is 3 e.g. he could be going to pre-school in the morning and then MIL would just have him over lunch. I don't think I would want my DS spending so much time with this women. But agree with Badlineage that you really need to look at your relationship with your DP.

consider the effect her tears and tantrums are having on your child. He throws a strop - she CRIES and leaves him. SHe is teaching him that his emotions are invalid. Making him guilty for expressing any view contrary to hers......oh look, thats just what your DP does.

This is not a healthy environment for a child to be in. She sounds like a narcissist and you only have to look at the stately homes threads to see the damage done to children who grow up with a narc.

I think, at 3, you child should be at nursery so he can start socialising with other children, then a local childminder to collect him until you get home. Much healthier environment and without the threats from MIL.

So your MIL throwing the childcare back in your face is the perfect cue for you to register the children with a CM. If your partner objects, then tell him that for the third time his mother has told you she's refusing to do childcare anymore so you have made other arrangements.

Can the 3yo go to nursery in the mornings and then get collected by a CM until you finish work? Or do 2 1/2 days ? He should qualify for 15 hours.

I agree with badinage- your partner is the bigger problem, even if MIL is the more obvious problem.

Explain to your partner. There are 2 options, because the mil situation is not working. If he really believes that her screaming at you in front of the children will not effect them, he is also clearly deluded. The mil is disrespecting you by not listening to you and him, and some of the problems of the 3 year old are down to her.
The two options are -
Use the registered child minder.
He stays at home to allow you to work.

That's it. Be clear that you will not be using her as child care any more. The 2 options will be reviewed when the youngest starts using his free 15 hours.

He is being unreasonable saying no way to formal child care, because he isn't the one that is doing all the running round and having to deal with his dm a couple of times a week.

As the others have said, your MIL is clearly very difficult but she really wouldn't be taking up as much head space if you had the support of your partner.

I'm guessing that MIL is behind your DP's 'no childminder' insistence.

Can you offend her so much that she will never ever speak to you again? Preferably in such a way that your husband won't find out or you will have a good excuse.

I agree, the relationship the my partner is all but over in my own mind anyway. Because whilst he does work, isn't verbally or physically abusive, hasn't cheated to my knowledge, still he is hardly around (always working at his business. fair enough if he was doing this and upset about missing me - he goes on about missing the DC but never me) and yes he completely ignores my feelings on anything and everything. I've told him about 3 times this year already that I want to split, we don't have sex since last year. I've had enough of being ignored. Over New Year I had some health problems and got diagnosis of a kidney disease and all he could say when I told him was "and what?" then "sound's ok. sure the doctors will know" and that's it. . No support for me. Has been missing for years. I ask him to leave (not in front of DC) but he won't. He just refuses. He knows that if he comes back and knocks on the door when the DC are around I won't want him to make a big scene in front of them so will just let him back in. And on it goes....

depressing.

Yes he does parrot his mother's views on 'absolutely no childcare other than family' . He actually uses the same phrases - to the letter! I have told him since I can't give up work due to finances then it's either childminder or he does the childcare because this can't keep going on. His reply - if I send them to a childminder against his will he is their father and will take me to court and exercise his "50% PR" (parental rights and responsibilities).

Sorry I should have explained better - Ds does get his free 15 hours. He has a morning space (which is 8.30 - 11.30 Mon to Fri, but they like them picked up at 11 ) so MIL picks him up at 11 and keeps him til 3 on the days I am working (I don't drive so have to travel when I finish work to collect him). It's not actually that long he is there , but I can't stand her comments and her hysterical behaviour.

Also, I have friends but don't feel I can go out outside the home like for dinner or drinks at any time ever, because they won't allow anyone other than MIL to look after kids, and I avoid kids going there as much as possible. If I want to go out, P just says "my mum will watch them" . and that's it . He hardly goes out, maybe to pub to watch major football games once a month for a couple of hours, that's it. He doesn't get back from work til about 9.30pm most nights, so too late as any nights out have well started by then! And he WILL NOT take time off for anything other than emergencies, and I bet he resents even that!

Are you just going to roll over and let your partner have his own way re. childcare?

You DO have a say in this too you know!!
You are enabling him to behave like this, c'mon, woman up and tell him the childcare situation is changing.

Take Control.

You're writing as though all the major decisions in life are his.

They are not.

He won't leave? That's fine. Leave him then.

He doesn't want a child minder of babysitter? Tough. You do. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court and in any case, that's an idle threat he'd be too tight and too lazy to carry out.

What's promising about your situation is that you've kept on working, so you have some financial independence. Apart from that, you have no autonomy whatsoever in this relationship. You can't see friends, you can't have an input into who looks after your child, you're stuck with public transport and you appear resigned to living with a dick of a bloke and a narcissist MIL.

You are not stuck. You can free yourself.

But you've really got to want to, for you and your children.

I have a backbone in there somewhere.

I think what stops me leaving is because MIL is SOOOOO convinced I am a terrible parent / bad mother, and P does very often tend to parrot what she says and thinks about things. They are both ruthless and stubborn, and I guess I'm scared I'll have a custody battle on my hands. Neither MIL or P has ever actually said this , but I get a strong feeling that if I actually did stop him coming back in, get a childminder or go against P in a big way then that would be the way it would go. It seems like mother like son they are both so entrenched in their beliefs that THEY ARE RIGHT (separately I mean, but they both have that narcissist personality) - they are both almost evangelical about whatever they think at the time. I'm just surmising here, but I'd bet neither of them would bat an eyelid at trying to take the DC from me if they believed me to "damaging" them by sending them to a childminder . That's the overdramatic way they go on about things in general life. It's across the board.

If I ask P to leave or tell him it's over for me he storms away and comes back later just point blank ignoring me as if I never said a word. Or he tells me I am ruining the children's lives, breaking up the family etc.

I guess I am apprehensive of the outcome and his reaction re DCs if I was to force him out.

Do you seriously think your DP would be given custody of your children because you wanted to take your children to a childminder?

What's the alternative solution - stay with him forever?

No I don't think he actually would be given custody. I'm just apprehensive of the fallout and stress of him starting such a court case.

Staying with him forever - the thought feels like hell . Unless the whole situation changed ie he wasn't always like this it has been about the past 4 years out of 10 (a long time I know!). I know it won't change back though. He doesn't care about me, he doesn't actually say that outright. But he makes it very clear in other ways and with insinuations.

I think that because he came from a broken home - his father left when he was 4 and just never saw him again - he is just determined to stay "for the children" and doesn't care how miserable it makes me because he just doesn't care for me anymore. He is very dogmatic and insistent about how they should be brought up, it's like I don't exist! - what they wear, eat, watch on TV, bedtimes, religion (he is adamant they are to have none - none at school etc and his mother is devoutly religious, so they fight about that), what they watch on TV, who they see. I think he would like to leave me too, but KNOWS he is not the main carer and is terrified of losing some of his CONTROL over their lives. Because if we were not together and court had decided then he technically could not dictate what I do with them in my time with them. He is not scared of losing contact with the DC, knows I would happily share joint custody with HIM (not his bloody nutcase mother) as he is fine with the DC when he sees them. Only thing i would say is that it is NOT fine for him to dismiss and depress their mother. But otherwise he is Ok with them, not hysterical like his mother.

Also he wouldn't like losing face by going back to "officially" living with his mother in his mid 30s!

I have thought that when DS goes to school next year (summer 2014) then MILs childcare role will be obsolete and then I could leave him and not worry about the backlash over childminders at least for 39 weeks of the year!

It's actually quite shocking to read how passive you are coming across. It feels like you are leaving others, fate and time passing to decide your future. It also feels as though you don't want to take responsibility for this, hence you are talking about wholly irrational fears about custody disputes and citing these as a reason for doing nothing.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship, live in a home that he cannot enter, get better childcare for your children and remove them from this insane control over their lives. When your children get to be teenagers, living with a father like this will be hell on earth and your home will be a warzone of power struggles as they buck his absurd 'authority'. If you stand by and do nothing, they will despise you.

Get that backbone and get out.

Let him make an arse out of himself and let him take you to court. Get his reasons questioned and set up him to look a fool, because he is a hypocrite. If noone other than family can look after the children, then why is nursery suitable, its childcare and not family.

You are allowing him to get his own way. He is a control freak and for thr sanity of yourself and family, take the children and leave him.. Do you really thnik that being controlled in such a way is not detrimental to them? Of course it is. Who does he think he is, saying who they can see? Carry on, change mothnig and I wish you a world of luck in the teenage rebellion years, because you will need it.

I am not passive. I am scared to rock the boat. I don't feel passive despite acting it, if you see what I mean.

Your fears are irrational though. He wouldn't win residence in a month of sundays. Sure he might huff and puff, but as soon as he realised he'd got no case and the costs of going to court would ruin him, he'd back down. Go and see a lawyer if you don't believe us.

These groundless fears are paralysing you. Being inert could cost you your relationship with your children, not to mention your own sanity. Your children's own mental health will suffer if you allow this to continue.

Don't rock the boat. Capsize it and swim for shore with your kids. Leave him to the company of his mother.

Rock the boat, rock it as hard as you can, the worst that can happen is you force your DH to say he doesn't actually want to be married to you, if this is the case, best to know now and get on with it. But my bet is on people like this are use to shouting and getting their own way, he's only doing what his mother, the loudest shouter, tells him to. they tend to be rather flumuxed when it doesn't work anymore.

Book the childminder. Tell your MIL you won't be using her anymore because you aren't impressed with her care of your DCs and you think that a childminder who's good at the job is better than family who aren't up to it. It's not like she's holding back from offending you, why bother worrying about her feelings?

similarly your H - he doesn't want to use a childminder doesn't he? Well if he's not home until 9:30pm, book a night out, book a childminder, on the day send him a message saying you are going out, you've booked XXX to sit until he gets home, they have been prepaid. Don't let him saying "no" mean it's not an option.

If your marriage ends, you won't be using MIL for childcare at all, start booking it.

He's out of the house working from before 8am to 9:30pm 5 days a week and you think he'll get custody because his mother, with no evidence to back it up, says you're a bad mother??? Bollocks - he'll get every other weekend and one night in the week at best, but that night in the week he'd have to leave work closer to 4pm if he actually wants to use it. can you see him doing that? Grandparents have no rights in these situations.

Make extensive notes so you have your situation summarise and get your free initial consultation with a lawyer. I think a lot of the worries you are having are groundless. This is not sustainable though it sounds awful.

You are all right. His working hours are extreme yes. He moans about them but he won't change them. Don't know if it's an avoidance tactic (avoidance of the fact I want out and our relationship is a mess) or what, I don't really care tbh. I'm past the stage of caring.

I think it's because they are so irrational - shouting and screaming and over the top, that I'm afraid of what they will pull. MIL certainly doesn't act like a reasonable person and neither does P (although he is OK at putting on an act at times of being reasonable and rational, she cannot she is like one of those mad ladies people talk about in the street, this is why she has never held down a job or had another relationship or even friends really).

Although I don't think they would get custody or be able to destroy mine or the kids lives, I worry that they will try and that in itself will create hell.

But you are all right though. They have used these tactics to shock me into submission I think for many years, since DC anyway. I know that P's ex although they had no children, left him for very similar reasons.

I will get legal advice.

Sounds like you might benefit from this thread - the Emotional Abuse thread. We understand about fearing to rock the boat - but we support each other to do it, when it is necessary, and safe to do so.