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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me stay strong. I just said it was over.

35 replies

Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 02:43

I need you MN.

I decided that after his sexting affair that it was over but then something happened that meant that splitting up really wasnt that simple. It is a very serious health issue with a very close family member (I dont want to say more so please dont ask).

But tonight he had too many (again) and kicked off again, as he always does and I have had enough. He wont leave tonight and I cant face trying to make him leave but I will do tomorrow. I have had to comfort 4 crying children who heard the row and the vile things he said, I want him gone, I hate him. They are still awake :(

But tomorrow I will probably wobble because the devil you know is better than the devil you dont. PLEASE dont let me cave, MN I need you.

I have been there for others like this and now I need you to be there for me. Dont let me give in. Please help me remember holding my teenage daughter crying in my arms because of the vile horrible things he was saying.

He threw his wedding ring at me, and I dropped it in the bin as if it was so much trash. My "affair" thread is posted as "wtfdoido"

xx

OP posts:
Coro · 15/03/2013 02:47

I just wanted to let you know there are people up and there for you. Hang in there!! You know you're doing the right thing.
Don't try to rush the kids to bed. Sit with them and try to come down from the stress before trying to sleep.
There will be many other people along soon to help you through. (unmumsnetty hugs)

Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 02:50

Thanks Coro, I cant tell you how much it means at this time of night to have you answer, I thought everyone would be asleep!

OP posts:
weegiemum · 15/03/2013 02:51

I can't really help, but I'm here to listen. I remember listening to those rows, and actually being glad when my mum surprisingly (sarcasm) left for the life she preferred.

Hold your dc, cry with them, protect them from what you can, but share what's appropriate. And look after yourself xxx

TanteRose · 15/03/2013 02:53

{{{Bogeyface}}}

hopefully others will be along but wanted to say I am here too

I hope you and your DCs can get some rest - maybe hot drinks all round?

SassyPants · 15/03/2013 02:58

You and your children deserve so much more than this. Your life will be so much better without this git weighing you down. You will be amazed by the kind of strength you are capable of when you need it.

We're here for you!

catballou · 15/03/2013 03:00

Also here to give you ((((((((((((hugs )))))))))Very hard to go through this awfulness but sounds like know you're doing the right thing and better times will come xxx Sorry you're going through this and hope there is someone in rl who can be of support too.

izzyizin · 15/03/2013 03:04

Don't worry, Bogey. There's no way you're going to cave in for such a spurious reason as 'better the devil you know' when you know full well you'll be infinitely better off without him - and so will your dc.

Wobble away - this board will keep you on the straight and narrow road to an infinitely more rewarding and fulfilling life than you can expect to have with this odious piece of gobshite.

Btw, if it's gold, take his ring out of the trash and sell it.

weegiemum · 15/03/2013 03:04

Do you have a RL friend or family member you can contact in the morning. Sounds like he needs to get off to work then you start working on freedom. Probably best to send dc to school (have they got some kind of comic-releif event on tomorrow to take their minds off things/encourage them to go?). You probably need a few hours to yourself to process, and then to think about how you move on.

There are legal issues I think about denying him access to the house - can you get advice to at least give you and dc the weekend to yourselves?

wallypops · 15/03/2013 03:31

Go for it. I've been there and now after 5 years out I still view being without him as worthy of a daily celebration. From the day he is gone you can start to rebuild yourself and your life. It is so much easier when you are not compromising everything just to get through each day. Honestly stay strong, it's so worth it.

BookieMonster · 15/03/2013 04:00

Stay strong. If you are tempted to wobble, just remember those four children upstairs listening to him abuse their mother. Good luck.

NoTimeForS · 15/03/2013 04:28

If someone is making you so unhappy, and your DCs, them becoming a small part of your life instead of a huge part can only bring joy and relief.
Don't worry about devils you know or don't know - how many times have you read women on here say "I left my drunk, cheating partner and I really regret it"? You never hear that!

You are strong enough to do this because you know that no matter how hard, it's the right thing to do for your DC and for yourself. One day at a time. You can make a better life. x

ScottyDoc · 15/03/2013 04:33

You and your beautiful kids are all that matters and deserve kindness and respect and to feel safe and loved. It's over and you know that. But you know also that there will be sunshine after the rain. I speak remembering as a teenager how horrible my dad could be and how he treated my mum. She got the strength one day to tell him it was over and she quietly set things up and moved out. After a while we moved with her when she was better financially and we let our father get on with it. He was emotionally abusive and had violent tendencies I'll never forget. Now my mum is with a partner who adores her, she did a degree and graduated and she lives in a lovely house, me and my siblings are very very close and we are glad she left him and thankful for it. This will be you OP. stay strong and don't let him wear you down. You and the kids are what matters and I tell you with absolute truth, they will stick by you and fight your corner just like me and my siblings did with my mum. You are amazing and strong. Deep breath and plough ahead. Your life begins from now.

GardenPath · 15/03/2013 04:54

Yes, in the morning it doesn't seem all that bad, does it? In fact, you might even feel a bit silly and embarrassed about saying anything at all - making a fuss. Til the next time. And there will be a next time, and another and another. Do you really want to be doing this, your kids seeing this, in a years time? Five years? Ten? Or when you're of a 'certain age' and you start to think you're too old to start again so might as well put up with it - see it out - it's what you're used to? And that's your life gone. I've see it a hundred times; this is what your kids will see as normal and carry on into their relationships. This is not your fault, it is his; never forget that. But you owe your kids - you do not owe him. And the devil you don't know, I assure you, is far, far better - bloody amazingly marvellous, actually - you'll wish you did it years ago. Not to mention your self respect and sense of self worth. You are worth more than this and your kids certainly are. If you do the right thing now, in a year you'll look back and think 'what the fuck was I doing with that arsehole?'. In five years you'll think: 'what arsehole?'

marriednotdead · 15/03/2013 05:15

You and your children deserve to be happy. That will not happen as long as he stays. His desire to be an arsehole does not trump that, and never will.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You won't regret sending him packing but you will feel sad. The dreams you had of how it was going to be are just that- dreams. The reality will be so much better when you let it happen.

Am standing on the edge of my own marriage waiting to make that jump. Hold hands and we can go together.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 22:07

Thank you all.

I am here and I have read your messages but have decided to ignore real life today. I got on with creating a mole out of a ginganinja (he looked fab!), helping a friend out when one of his employees let him down, eating takeaway that I cant afford and watching CR with DD. Will look at real life again tomorrow.

Thankfully, due to legal issues that were in place before our marriage he has no claim at all on this house (technically neither do I at the moment, but I do have the right to live here).

I will be back, just not tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 22:10

I want to add that I didnt reply over night because I grabbed the floor cushions and the mattress off the spare bed and had us all in the same room together. I think they slept better for me being there and I slept better for being with them.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
wordyBird · 15/03/2013 22:13

You have given others some wonderful advice and support on these boards, BF.
Thinking of you, and here for you when you want to talk, vent, whatever.

rhondajean · 15/03/2013 22:14

Oh bogey.

You are a bloody stringing woman. I've read your posts and talked to you before.

Be strings now. Do what you need to xxx

rhondajean · 15/03/2013 22:18

Stringing? Strings? Hmm

Strong!

targaryen24 · 15/03/2013 22:36

Just wanted to say you have done the best & the bravest thing. For yourself and your children.

Use how upset your kids were to keep you strong if you feel like you're wobbling. I nearly got back together with my DS's dad once I'd made the split and that seemed to really help, along with reading MN posts and having a nice time with my DS without all the horrible things that came with that relationship.

In some ways this is harder part, once you've made the break. It will get easier! Smile Thanks

Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 22:48

I am a stringing woman rhonda you are absolutely right Wink Strong? Not so much, mainly bloody minded!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 22:50

Its funny (I KNOW!!! I wont be back after this, I mean it!) but today when I was driving back from helping my friend out I was doing the "get back, pick the kids up, DH can do the......." Oh. Right. Thats not how it is anymore.

And I was saying out loud, "dont wobble, dont wobble" and I was thinking of who utterly ashamed I would be to come on here and say "So, we talked and we are working on it "

Thank you again x

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 22:51

oh ignore the typos, I am emotional and CR isnt helping!

OP posts:
BOF · 15/03/2013 22:56

You can do this Bogey, I know you can.

wordyBird · 16/03/2013 02:02

BogeyFace, hope you are getting some sleep tonight. Brew
You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Be tough, don't back down. You can do this.

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