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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

sex or lack thereof

35 replies

ChairmanoftheBored · 14/03/2013 20:52

My husband and I have been having issues with our sex life for ages, since the birth of my first child. Two kids later and my sex drive is still very low and most nights I can't be bothered. We manage once every week or two at best at the moment.
The problem now is that i have been reading a book about low libido and I guess i have seen the error of my ways a little. Instead of viewing him as a sex pest, I have started to realise how hurt he must feel by all of this rejection. I feel terrible and have started to make moves to be more intimate. However to him this has come too late and he is now shutting me out and refusing to be intimate. He said he is so angry that I have rejected him all this time and now just because I have read some book I want to resume our sex life and just expect him to jump on board as it were!
How do we progress? He wants me to stop talking and analysing as he finds it a real turn off. He said just give him time to get over it and things will work themselves out. I am not so sure. If he won't talk to me about it, what can I do? Any ideas?

OP posts:

goodygumdrops · 14/03/2013 20:56

once or twice a week sounds within the realms of pretty normal to me!

CognitiveOverload · 14/03/2013 20:57

Take your time...this issue has brewed over a few years, it wont be fixed over night but I am surprised he is not being cooperative. .. are there other things that you need to discuss?

CognitiveOverload · 14/03/2013 20:58

By the way twice a week doesnt sound low but I guess it depends on how often you were before the difficult patch.

Original poster

ChairmanoftheBored · 14/03/2013 21:01

Well he finds talking about it a real turn off as he says it makes the whole thing feel forced iyswim? He says he loves me and understands that sometimes couples go through rough patches and he knows we will be ok. I have been in denial about the whole thing really and I have been really cold sometimes. Its like I push him away in case he misreads the signs as i want to have sex. He just wants to feel loved I think. Its such a tricky topic to talk about.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChairmanoftheBored · 14/03/2013 21:04

Incidently in the beginning (7 years ago) we were at it like rabbits as you would expect. We so in love then, its sad when i think how it feels different now. That first flush of love has faded and we are left with the drudgery of life. Its very upsetting really.

OP posts:

CognitiveOverload · 14/03/2013 21:06

Well you have to respect his wishes. Try his way...not discussing it but making effort to manage any coldness...which can become a habit. Maybe plan a nice evening for you both. ..nothing too elaborate but something out of routine and maybe when you're intimate try something slightly different... nothing major just maybe something you used to do together. This is a very common scenario. Dont rush it or worry too much but maybe just check that everything else in your relationship is ok

CognitiveOverload · 14/03/2013 21:08

Its normal...lust has to be cultivated and family life makes it tricky. Small attentive responses where maybe you may have pushed him off before may help get things started

Natmu · 14/03/2013 21:12

I agree Chairman, it's so hard to talk about it. DH and I are in much the same boat as you. I have been feeling for ages that sex is just another chore which I have to fulfill to make someone else happy. I do enjoy it once we get going but initiating it is hard when you feel so exhausted all the time. I have been trying the same as you to change my mindset about it because DH desperately needs that intimacy to feel loved and close to me (he told me so a year or two ago when we managed to have a chat). I hope you and your DH manage to make some progess. My friend advised me that no matter what just keep doing it to keep lines of bodily communication open.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 21:15

"You weren't bothered how I was feeling when I tried to show you (by his advances), but then you read some bloody book and suddenly you are interested. If you had listened to me in the first place then you wouldnt have needed the book and things would be fine!"

Cutting his nose off to spite his face but I can see his logic!

If you said to him that you are sorry that you didnt realise how rejected he felt and that you are sorry that it took a book to make you see that and that you do love him and desire him, then that might make a difference. At the moment its like a double rejection, you didnt want sex AND you didnt see what was in front of you

chubbymomie2012 · 14/03/2013 21:20

once or twice a week?????
oh jeezz me and DP have a big issue! 😳

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 23:57

Can I just bring to everyones attention "once every week or two" is what the OP said, not once or twice a week.

GoingGoingGoth · 15/03/2013 00:10

Have to admit once every week or two is still better than Dh & I are managing. We still love one another, find each other attractive and when we do have sex it is usually pretty damm good. Just too tired at lot oh the time
As long as quality is good, quantity is less important (for us), although a bit more often would be nice.

Original poster

ChairmanoftheBored · 15/03/2013 11:10

A quick update from last night. After my Dh laying it down on the line that we would "definitely not be having sex tonight" we went to bed and suprise suprise had some of the best sex we have had in ages.

Now I am not delusional that this is the problem sorted by any means. But it was so lovely to feel a connection again.
I think sex is sometimes about making someone else happy and showing that you care. I don't mean in the sense that you should have sex against your will of course, or have that horrid guilt sex. I just mean just being open minded to having sex and believing that once you get started you will most likely enjoy it! I am obviously not going to say this to my Dh after last nights conversation, but I am going to really make an effort to be more loving even if I feel exhausted. I think I have been a bit lazy for too long and I need to make some effort.

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Imlostwithoutahope · 15/03/2013 14:05

Chairman- I am in a similar position. I lost interest in sex when ds was Born 6 yrs ago. I saw it as a chore and withdrew any intimacy in case dh saw it as a sign I wanted sex. Eventually dh stopped showing any interest in sex too as he could see I couldn't be arsed. Then last summer our marriage had some problems as dh felt rejected. As a result I reviewed what I was doing and could see even though I thought I was avoiding sex I was avoiding all physical contact too. Now I can see how damaging it was to our refashions hip and have made more of an effort and told dh we need to start having sex etc again, he's now not interested and said he has no sex drive anymore and what's the point as he knows I'm forcing myself to do it.
I can now see without sex you gradually lose the intimacy and physical contact needed to feel loved. So now I want sex to improve this dh doesn't. We haven't had sex for 3 months.
I'm stuck now, I don't know what to do. He's not very good at talking but after the realiseation that its important I don't know how I can get him to see it.

BurtNo · 15/03/2013 14:42

Lostwithoutahope, i'm in a similar position to your DH - do you think he understands why you rejected him? or do you think he fears more rejection at some point. I'm reluctant to resume our sex life because its been explained to me to be duty sex and my wife can't tell me why she rejected me - so after 5 years of painful rejection I can't trust us not to go back to the old ways which do our relationship more harm than a celibate state

Imlostwithoutahope · 15/03/2013 18:36

Burtno, he prob doesn't understand the rejection because I don't think even I know why myself. All I can remember is that I just lost interest. My feelings towards him have never changed and I love him as much as I ever have. For me since having children they're always about and so sex isn't spontaneous and we don't get get chance like we used to cuddle up or kiss in odd places which always led to sex. It just felt like I went to bed after a busy day, he asked for sex, I was too tired and it was the last thing on my mind so always said no.

NinaHeart · 15/03/2013 18:44

H and I haven't had sex for over 5 months. I no longer have any idea how to broach the subject. I still love him though - good thing!

newbiefrugalgal · 15/03/2013 19:45

We stopped having sex and he started having an affair.

kublaikhan · 16/03/2013 09:40

Same position here except that I'm the one with sex drive and DP seems not too bothered... Haven't had sex since last year and I'm desperate! Have tried twice (once in hotel on night away from DS) and both times DP lost election almost immediately. Feel crap about the whole thing esp as on hotel night I was tagged up (at request of DH) in corset stocking and heels. Feeling very very rejected and he clearly feels under pressure - vicious circle really

kublaikhan · 16/03/2013 09:41

Ha ha erection!

NinaHeart · 16/03/2013 11:42

Drought over as of last night!

Imlostwithoutahope · 16/03/2013 15:35

I'm still hoping. I've bought some nice underwear and hope a weekend away where I wander around naked may get his juices going. I'm just gutted that the damage is done without me really realizing. All I crave is a hug and a sign of affection.

kublaikhan · 16/03/2013 20:43

Hope it goes well Imlost. Am sure it will : ) am sure he will really appreciate your effort. Seems (from what I can glean from DH) that feels pretty much the same as you - has just lost interest in sex with me. He is trying vitamins and ginkgo to try to increase sex drive but the longer the drought and rejection goes on the harder it gets for me to feel desired/horny. I really miss sex but TBH I am daydreaming about other guys not DP. Argh. Don't know what to do - I love him but can there be a happy ending in the circumstances? I'm 33 and he is 37 so forever without sex feels like a big loss.

Original poster

ChairmanoftheBored · 18/03/2013 08:11

Imlost, I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this issue too. Have you tried my approach of saying how sorry you are that you have neglected his feelings and explain how you crave the physical closeness again. Could you maybe just build up to sex, for example cuddles in bed, touching in non sexual ways for a while first to build up the intimacy? If all else fails just try to get him to see how your relationship deserves to be saved. You both deserve to be happy.
Its so difficult to find the time to have sex with kids in the house. The spark of lust does dim. The best advice I read was to try and have sex even when you are tired. Think of it as an act of goodwill. Its hard to explain without it sounding anti feminist and like you are sacrificing your own wishes. I think its just a small sacrifice really to help your partner to feel loved.

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Original poster

ChairmanoftheBored · 18/03/2013 08:12

Well done NinaHeart! Glad you made some progress too

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