sex or lack thereof

[ChairmanoftheBored]

My husband and I have been having issues with our sex life for ages, since the birth of my first child. Two kids later and my sex drive is still very low and most nights I can't be bothered. We manage once every week or two at best at the moment.
The problem now is that i have been reading a book about low libido and I guess i have seen the error of my ways a little. Instead of viewing him as a sex pest, I have started to realise how hurt he must feel by all of this rejection. I feel terrible and have started to make moves to be more intimate. However to him this has come too late and he is now shutting me out and refusing to be intimate. He said he is so angry that I have rejected him all this time and now just because I have read some book I want to resume our sex life and just expect him to jump on board as it were!
How do we progress? He wants me to stop talking and analysing as he finds it a real turn off. He said just give him time to get over it and things will work themselves out. I am not so sure. If he won't talk to me about it, what can I do? Any ideas?

If anyone was interested, the book I read was called "Where did my libido go" by Rosie King. I got on my kindle so Dh didn't see it lying around. Although maybe that would have been good so he might read it too. It was so helpful to me. It describes the cycle of pursuer and distance and how damaging it can be if it is left to continue. It was just exactly what my Dh and I had been doing. It also went into the reasons why low libido is such a problem.
I just wish I could get my Dh to read it! but he just does not do self help books. GRRRRR!
I need to talk to my Dh about going to bed a little earlier sometimes. Even if we go to bed early he reads until 11 and by then I am knackered and it really is a mental effort to have sex. I think it is worth remembering that the blame is not always on the partner with the lower sex drive.

Trying not to focus on one particular comment, but failing :-)

If life is drudgery then no wonder sex is a chore. Go visit a hospice and then call an active healthy life drudgery.

And if you have a partner you love, what's to complain about.

Shag him before you have to wean him off porn, whether he likes it or not!

Self help books have their uses, but there comes a time when you have to leave them behind and move on. I think for us, what has helped is to think of sex as just one part of the ongoing relationship, keeping talking, sometimes touching, holding hands, occasional kissing and cuddling (all that in front of dcs if they are around). But mainly what has helped over the years, and what still helps is to keep a firm hold on to our senses of humour, and being in the whole thing together, on the same side. Sex is far more to do with what is in the mind in between times than the physical act itself. Self respect and trust come to play, fondness and affection and friendship, and yes, a happy relationship involves happily enjoying the other partner's pleasure more than one's own sometimes, just like doing anything else together in life! So showing you value your partner's happiness (the way they like their tea, their hobbies, tv programmes and their values, ambitions and work) paved the way, as it builds trust.

It just goes to show, in a monogamous long term relationship, e.g. marriage, it isn't essential for one partner (the man) to make all the first moves, and be on the receiving end of all the rejection, it's a two way street! Building up the romance and respect and common goals and accepting a partner's small advances (or platonic touches) graciously is a two way street as well.

I agree with all that Giddy. You do have to work at a relationship and show goodwill towards each other or you might as well give up.

Yogii, I think what I meant by life is drudgery, is that it is easy to get stuck in pattern of behaviour. Same routine etc.

Do you never feel like this? If not then congratulations.

I am pretty sure that this feeling is very common in our modern lives. I am fully aware of how fortunate I am and a trip to a hospice will not be necessary thank you.

Well i think you will get out of the drudgery, because you are trying. It might take a while but often all it needs is one of the pair to make an effort. When he snaps out of his first reaction things will be fine.

The things I said are what I would have liked to say to my younger self when I was thinking and doing/going through similar, chairman. Thank God for MN, wish it had been around 20 years ago! You will be fine, and I agree, it is common to have times without sex.

Thanks everyone, I loves MN I does.

Agiddykipper, you've hit the nail on the head really. After ds was born I thought as dh loved me he would understand why I didn't want sex and in typical man fashion didn't really say how much it was affecting him. I think I was being selfish and thinking only of myself not really understanding that in order to please dh there are something's you do even if you may not be keen ie watching football, crap films, having sex. Now I can see we've lost all affection ie holding hands, cuddling etc too.
Now the shoes on the other foot. I'm up for trying to get the spark back and dh has lost all sexual interest.

I think I'm going to have to arrange a few nights where we give each other massages etc with few glasses of wine etc. sex will be off limits which should help allieiate any worries about having to have sex but may get us feeling closer through touch.

Imlost, that sounds good. When we tried massage it was all a bit of a joke and I went off it when I realised the oils stained the sheets! Might have helped if we'd warmed up the oils too. It's fun to do something together.