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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want someone to tell me what to do.

33 replies

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 21:46

I am in an unhappy marriage. I have a 2yo DD.

We got together at uni and after a whirlwind romance I got pregnant. Before the pregnancy and for the beginning of it things were blissful.

A few months into the pregnancy, I found out he had cheated on me with his ex gf and had been sending messages saying stuff about how if I wasn't pregnant they could be together etc. I wanted to leave then, I confronted him and he begged and pleaded with me to stay, and I did, because I felt like I didn't really have any other option and I wanted to give things a chance for the baby.

During the pregnancy while we were sorting out a house to live in together, his family offered to rent us a house they owned but this wasn't really practical and I also didn't want to feel under their control, especially as I didn't know them well yet. He didn't seem able to tell them this though and although as far as I was aware he'd declined the offer in fact he hadn't said anything, then when things got awkward he was passing messages between me and his family (who wouldn't speak directly to me for some reason) and he even tried to trick me by saying he'd found a house and what did I think, when I said it didn't sound practical either it turned out it had been the same house and he was testing to see if I was turning it down just because it was his family

To be honest at this point I was already thinking I'd made a huge mistake, but felt like I had to keep trying. As the pregnancy progressed we bickered and grew further apart. I think I tried to kid myself that it was me being hormonal but really, we just weren't compatible.

At the birth, he couldn't handle the stress of it and left me (I did consent to this at the time but I was off my face on the drugs and I feel he shouldn't have gone). After the birth, although he was fantastic with DD and did all the cooking etc. he didn't really show me the care that I needed, especially as I was really finding it hard. He made me feel awful for getting frustrated with DD when I was finding bf excruciating and was exhausted from lack of sleep.
When DD was a couple of weeks old he lied to me about having a meeting with a tutor at uni and met up with an old flame in secret.

I am really anti smoking around children and I was militant about this when DD was tiny, and despite knowing this he started smoking again in secret. I found out and kicked him out (maybe a slight over-reaction due to hormones, I'm not sure) He did take me seriously and stop smoking to his credit.

He proposed to me, and it felt wrong, but I said yes.

When planning the engagement party, he said that he wanted to invite the old flame he'd met up with in secret weeks after DD was born. He asked in front of his mother so I felt like I couldn't say no without looking like a jealous bitch (nobody knew about the cheating). I did say later that there was no way she was coming.

We've just carried on not being right for each other, growing further apart and more and more bitter. I don't love him, I'm almost certain. We hardly touch each other except for the rare occasions where I try to rekindle things and it feels awkward and wrong.

We got married sept 2012 and I really don't know why. I spent the reception dancing with my friends and my dad and although I kept asking him to come and dance with me he chose to spend it with his workmates. The honeymoon was pleasant enough because we had DD and it was nice to get a chance to spend uninterrupted time with her.... but we had sex once and I only really did it because I felt like I was obliged.

I feel awful. I don't want to break up a family, but I don't want DD to grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship. I don't feel that he loves me, but I don't think he's admitted this to himself yet. I tried to break up before the wedding but he cried and the conversation just sort of trailed off and wasn't mentioned again. I don't want anyone to get hurt, in an ideal world I'd tell him how I feel, he'd say he didn't love me either and was relieved I'd brought it up and we'd separate amicably and share custody 50/50. Because he is a great dad and DD loves him, I would not want to get in the way of that.

I just really want someone to step in and make decisions for me. I don't think we can fix this relationship and to be honest that's not really what I want anymore. I want to leave but I don't know if that's selfish of me.

Oh god, I've really waffled on here, thanks for reading if you're still with me!

OP posts:

Selba · 13/03/2013 21:58

Do you want to leave him?
if yes, do it sooner rather than later.

leelteloo · 13/03/2013 22:21

Hi bubble, it doesn't sound like you really need someone to tell you what to do: in your op it is very clear that you already know what you want to do. Maybe what you are asking for is help in working out the best way to end the relationship?

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 22:27

I do want to leave. I just feel like a bit of an idiot, rushing into everything and it all going tits up. I love DD so much and I'm so happy to have her, so I don't regret anything on that side of things, I just think the relationship with my husband was a mistake.

But I think you're right leelteloo I don't know how to do it. I just think he'll end up crying and begging me not to and it will be awful because I know that he's not happy either. when I have tried to broach the subject in the past it's either ended with him crying or avoiding it and going off in a sulk. I'm scared too, although I know it would be best for all three of us in the long run I dread the aftermath and I'm worried it could get ugly.

OP posts:

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:32

You are allowed to decide that you've made the wrong decision and change things.

jynier · 13/03/2013 22:35

Hi, OP! - Think that you already know the answer!

Best wishes.

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:38

You wouldn't let your DD get her own way on something you know is wrong, and it sounds like you're going to need to be the adult with your DP too.

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:39

Sorry that should've read - You wouldn't let your DD get her own way on something you know is wrong, just by crying, and it sounds like you're going to need to be the adult with your DP too.

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 22:40

I do need to be the adult, but I think I'd have to be a cold bitch and demand he leaves to get him to actually take me seriously, but then I'm worried things would get nasty.

I want to part on civil terms and I don't know how to achieve that.

OP posts:

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:43

By having a plan and staying calm. Who will leave? Where will they go? What will custody look like? And finances? As the one who's made the decision it will inevitably fall to you to take the lead in these things.

LemonDrizzled · 13/03/2013 22:44

Bubble you don't need his permission to end the marriage. Any numbers of the things on your OP would be enough reason. And emotional blackmail is never attractive! But maybe you could suggest Relate with him as a last ditch attempt to clear the air. They do say they can help you have a better split up and arrange care of the DC using Relate as mediators.

From your OP it sounds clear he brings you little happiness. You deserve better!

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 22:51

Thanks Lemon, I do deserve better and so does he really. He's not a bad person it all happened very quickly for him too and it he's made some stupid mistakes. I don't hate him.

I don't think we can afford relate, we are lowly students, it's a good idea though. I have looked into relate before but it does seem out of our price range.

I have been looking into what would happen afterwards and it's all tricky because he finishes uni this summer but I have another year left. I have been thinking it might be better to wait till after finals to do it, i don't want to fuck up his exams and leave him with a shit degree. Also finances/housing etc would be easier to figure out then. But I'm not sure it's fair to plot to leave for all that time, it seems cruel.

OP posts:

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:51

Yes, seeing a councillor when you're splitting up can be a great help.

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:52

Sorry, cross posts .

sallyfromthealley · 13/03/2013 23:03

I felt really sad reading about your relationship and I think it is obviously over and you would both be happier apart even if it would seem difficult at first.

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 23:03

I think that's the decision I need making for me! Do it now or do it later?
If I knew it was going to be amicable I would think now, but if it's going to be messy then after finals would be better.

OP posts:

LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 23:05

When are your finals?

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 23:05

sorry sally!

It is sad, I don't think I let myself admit is was so crap until very recently and now I feel so stupid for letting it go on for so long. And for getting married jeez! How thick does that make me?

OP posts:

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 23:06

Erm I think we will both be finished the end of may/the beginning of June.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2013 23:19

OK I'll make a decision for you!

Stay together until his finals and try to live your own life until then, albeit under the same roof.

If that thought makes you feel ill, then end it now.

You have to end it, don't you? You're young, unhappy and you don't love him. Nor should you - he sounds horrible! But at the same time, if he's going to go off on one and blame you and go into a decline, then think about leaving it until after his finals. If you think he'll just yell a bit then accept it, do it now.

ILoveBagels · 13/03/2013 23:21

I dont mean this to sound harsh, but i think you need to consider why you have gone along with things, like getting married, when you have known it isnt right. you have not been emotionally honest with either yourself or him.

you are living in a world of your own creation, where you are 'trying to do the right thing' but in doing so, denying yourself any change of happiness.

i do understand when you have a child, you want to give them a family life and make sure you have explored every avenue first before breaking up. but this relationship sounded doomed from the beginning with his cheating.

please see about getting some counselling and working on your inner strength to follow through with the things that you inherently know are right for you. it will probably be tough, but at least you wont feel conflicted within yourself anymore.

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 13/03/2013 23:27

Thanks imperial I think it's the most decent option really. Although it means being deceitful it gives him a better chance of getting a good end grade and that will affect DD in the jobs he gets etc.

Bagels you're right it's absolutely insane that I've let it get to this point. I am actually in counseling (well I've had one session so far) and this is actually what's made me realise I need to get out of this relationship. I was feeling badly depressed and anxious and just thinking about leaving him has made me feel so much better.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 07:13

" I just feel like a bit of an idiot, rushing into everything and it all going tits up."

You've got where you are because you have been ignoring your own judgement and living your life to please others. Whether that's your family, your baby or your partner or a combination of all of them I'm not sure .. but nothing you've done seems to be because you've wanted it. You also appear to feel some sense of obligation to this man that is way in excess of anything he deserves. If you start down the road of pleasing others and neglecting yourself you simply compound one bad decision on top of another... and you become almost irrelevant in the process. No wonder you're depressed.

If you go for counselling, focus on how you can put yourself back into #1 position in your own life and live it on your terms rather than on other people's. It will be difficult to end things and keep them finished but being true to yourself is the only way you'll find peace of mind. Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/03/2013 07:19

"I want to part on civil terms and I don't know how to achieve that."

Once again... 'civil' in this context means 'keeping him happy'. In this situation you cannot make that your prime motivation or you'll end up sticking around, just so he's not upset.... the same mistake you've made for the last however many years. If it ends up being uncivil, that's just something you'll have to square away as necessary. 'You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs'.

Original poster

BubblegumPie · 14/03/2013 12:30

You're right that I don't want to upset him, but I think it's more for DD's sake than his. I am worried that there will be nastiness and refusing to leave or custody arguments and deliberately making things awkward in terms of drop offs etc. I don't want DD to witness this sort of thing and while I plan to stay civil no matter what, I can't guarantee he will feel the same.

OP posts:

Lucylloyd13 · 14/03/2013 13:11

I just think the relationship with my husband was a mistake.

And there you have it.

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