Manchild tantruming in the morning. I'm fuxxing fuming!!!

[familygirl27]

I am so angry with him. He thinks its acceptable to freak out in the morning because he is tired.

He has regular appointments on a Tuesday at 12 and Wednesday at 9:30. Today I woke him up at 8:00am for his regular appointment and he started freaking out at me in front of the kids swearing, shouting and then stomping off. I've fuckin had just about enough.

His excuse is always that he is tired!!! So fucking what!!! We are all fuckin tired you fuckin Manchild!!! I'm sorry for the swearing but he gets me so mad.

Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm fuming. We have talked about his tantrums in the past but nothing changes. I'm on mat leave and supposed to be going to work next month on a part time basis but this means on the days I work I will have to be up at 4:30am to leave the house for 6:00am and then won't get back home till 7:30pm which means he will be looking after the two children (dd1 who is 3 and dd2 who is 11 months). I'm just worried he's going to be behaving like this because he is tired and I really won't be able to take that shit in the morning.

Please someone give me some advice

OP,, you are getting arsey with the wrong people

Is this a wind up ?

Sort your life out and get shut of the cock lodger

People are trying to fucking help you here

You sound like your useless Fuck of a boyfriend in the mornings in your last couple of posts

The weed is the nail in this man's coffin.

He is the laziest sod you will ever meet. For all the people talking about the fact he might be depressed or lacking vitamin whatever, please don't talk like that. Isn't it clear that this man is just plain lazy?

OP, I think you would be MUCH better off without him and personally I think you'd be better off without a job that involved you being up at 4.30 and not getting home until late. That seems too high a price to pay, in my opinion. He's proven he can't be trusted to be left with a child. I'd dump him, tell work I couldn't work those hours and then either negotiate with them or look for a job with better hours.

AnyFucker I found your post very rude and unhelpful. I regularly see you posting on MN and they are often unconstructive and rude. This is not a joke and I felt like BOF was trying to turn it in to one. If I have misunderstood and BOF did genuinely believe that he was having counselling for issues around housework then I apologise to BOF for the misunderstanding.

My post to MrsMushroom was a genuine question. I would like to know what others suggest I do. I have been with this man for 11 years and I'm not looking to leave him yet. He is trying to work through his issues it's just he does these things that really get to me and then I need to rant, that's why I come on here. If he wasn't recognising the issues then I would have walked but he sees what's wrong and is willingly going to these drug help places and counselling sessions to change how he deals with things and to deal with his other issues from childhood. I am looking for suggestions on how to deal with this issue in the best way. He has a doctors appointment tomorrow about this which I made today after advice on MN. I told him if he is this tired then there is obviously something wrong.

Maryz it had been 2 weeks since he has had any till today. thank you for your advice.

Imperial I genuinely don't think he is lazy. I think it might be lack of motivation or drive which I suppose leads to depression.

But is he trying to work through the issues? You just told BOF that his counselling was entirely to do with his previous bereavement. So does he recognise that he

a) should do half of the housework and half of the childcare, and more than half once you go back to work?
b) should not be a tantrumming asshole
c) should get himself up at a reasonable hour every day without help

Nothing you've said on here indicates that he sees these things as his problem?

Just caught up. OP, how long do you think you'll hold on for in the hope that things will improve? 6 months? Years?

But he is not 'willingly going to these drug help places and counselling sessions' is he? He is making your life hell to even get up and keep the appointments. You even say that YOU had the make the appointment for him tomorrow. Why didn't he make it? Why are you enabling this 'poor me' behaviour from him.

You say earlier that you don't even want to go into the fact he does not work. Why not?

Two weeks of no weed is nothing considering you have been with him for 11 years and have young children with him. No way would I leave young children with this loser.

You are on a hiding to nothing with this man but if you want to waste more time then carry on. Ranting here but not facing the truth that he is a cocklodger when pointed out to you means you are not facing reality.

Good luck.

he's not "willingly" doing anything

you have to cajole, cry, rant and bully him to even get his arse out of bed

you made his doctor's appt for him...he can't pick up a phone ? That is classicly another example of you mollycoddling him. My dd has been making her own dr appts since she was 15.

do you think he will go without an almighty row ? I don't.

you can rant here all you like, but when people respond with some insight you don't seem to want to hear it

I can hear that you're feeling defensive now OP but the thing is, he is bringing nothing to your family. He won't look after his kids, he won't work, he won't do housework, he's basically just a spoilt baby. You know this. Ultimately it's up to you to change your approach if you want him to change.

It's always amazing in life and on mn how a mans behaviour is so easily exciused as being due to childhood and other issues.
Working in mental health I meet some fabulous people who have experienced unimaginable trauma and yet somehow still manage to get up in the mornings and take care of their chikdren.
I had a crappy childhood have had a prem very sick baby, suffered domestic violence, homelessness, cancer, divorce after ex had an affair and more recently another child born poorly. Many on here have experienced far far worse. Yet somehow I have always managed to haul my arse out of bed and live my life!!
Life's shut doesn't automatically turn you into a useless human being.

Just because someone has had a bit of a crappy time, this does not give them the right to neglect their children and abuse their wife.

He isn't seeking help, you are seeking help for him and he is sometimes complying. This isn't the same.

Since the appointments are not depended upon for benefits, you definitely need to stop waking him up for them.

As someone said above, manchildren don't grow up, but you absolutely must stop enabling him. I don't blame you for taking the path of least resistance up til now BTW - it must be scary living in fear of his next outburst, walking on eggshells, especially when you have DCs you want to shelter from such rage. But if you keep putting up with it, in the long term you and your DCs will suffer. They are getting a really skewed view of what a relationship looks like, and they will carry that into adulthood.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever seen on here - and I have even told it to a friend in RL who had similar problems - is: if your adult DD was on a relationship like this, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to put up with it? Or would you tell her she deserved far better, and that she did not need a waster like that in her life?

Sounds like he's either depressed or hovering on the brink of it to me, I feel for you. if this is what's happening then a dr's appointment is the way forward, sometimes a brief course of antidepressants plus the counselling will help dig someone out of this hole.

Sit him down, stay calm and explain things need to change.....all this pressure on you will inevitably make your pregnancy harder (not good) and lets face it, destroy your relationship. You can't do all this. Something's going to give soon.

He needs to get up in the morning, stay away from the weed, plan a postative future...maybe do a short course in something he's interested in that may lead to a job etc. what did he do before?

OP, has he always been like this? If not, when did things change?

familygirl congratulations on being a strong person who can care for her children and DP, it must be tough keeping going and putting up with his behaviour and lack of help.

Your description of him sounds very much like much of his behaviour comes from depression as well as the weed. He has courageously started counselling, as others have said, some people cope better than others with bereavement, perhaps he didn't have the support at the time of his mothers death to process it?

There is a fine line between supporting helping him by just coping every day and not expecting him to 'pull his weight' and challenging him on things he needs to change.

No one on here can really tell you where that line is, only you can know if you can make this relationship work. My one concern is his anger, hopefully this will be improved by the counselling and giving up the weed

So, no advice, just sympathy

Last thing, how long has he been going to bereavement counselling?

I can see why many people on this thread are angry at him, understandably.

I speak from experience with bereavement counselling, I lost my sister tragically when I was 8. Some awful family problems erupted during my relationship with my now husband and my world collapsed, i never dealt with her death and it just opened up the rawest wound. I was in turmoil inside. I was horrid, rude to him and just pushed him away (we didn't have children thankfully for their sakes). I am appalled at how I treated him, but I was ill, I hit rock bottom and went to the Dr's got antidepressants which I took for 6 months and 2 years of counselling, and thank God it saved our relationship and I am eternally grateful he didn't leave me. Just a different perspective to other posters on here, I don't expect peoe to agree with me but I wanted to. We are happy again now, and I know that I have reconciled those demons that turned me into a bloody witch!

OP, sadly, you are enabling him.

Loads of people lose loved ones, and jobs, feel tired, even have depression and don't behave like this.
He doesn't care about you or the children, or he'd pull his act together.
Even propõe with depression don't need pats in the back and to be let to fester on their depression. They need tough love, to get out of bed and act.

However, you are not prepared to leave and he has no motivation to be a better man.
It's not that you should leave, but if he knows that you will it's much more likely that he will find the motivation to step up.

Reading further back, why did you take him back?

And if arguments are a "stress point", he has the perfect excuse to do nothing and keep you in your place.

Can you see this?

I genuinely don't think he is lazy. I think it might be lack of motivation or drive which I suppose leads to depression

There are a number of things wrong with these sentences... what is the difference between laziness and lack of motivation/drive? The only difference is in the words used. Until you can see that, you're not going to make any progress. You are obviously excusing his behaviour, and this is an example of it. Go back to your original post and re-read. The first words you wrote are the reality of the situation.

Even if you don't want to leave him, there's some easy things you can do. One is to stop waking him up to go anywhere, presumably he has a mobile with an alarm on it, so he can use that. my husband is always late and it has made a big difference to my life that I no longer worry about getting him there on time, and since I have given up waking him/managing his time, he mostly gets places anyway.

The other is to realise that he needs to find his own motivation to get better and change, he is placing all the responsibility for him getting better, stopping using weed onto you, and using you as an excuse when it goes wrong.

This situation is all wrong, he's presumably not working, using weed on and off, aggressive in the mornings to you, blames you if things go wrong, and isn't even taking responsbility for the one thing he does have to do which is go to his counselling.

But you don't seem ready to hear this bit (even though you do know full well he is a manchild), so I would just concentrate on backing out of running his life for now.

Afrodizzy
I could have written your post. When I started dealing with the death of my mother through counselling I fell apart for a while. I struggled to get out of bed at all for a month, I was awkward and anti-social. This was years after her death (I was a teenager when she died) and it caught me totally by surprise.

If he has always been this difficult then its one thing, if one the other hand things have got much worse since the counselling started then I wouldn't rule out some of the behaviour being down to that.

The weed most certainly isn't helping.

Getting up and out in fresh air and daylight will help. It might help reset his body clock which sounds like it is totally disrupted. Physical activity will make him tired too. A daily trip to the park with the children for example.