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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

okay sore subject (mother in laws)

26 replies

kathleenhannah1 · 12/03/2013 23:56

My partner and I have been together almost 4 years and I have always loved his parents. He is an only child and was very independent from an early age. (now 33) lol. So 7 months ago i gave birth to our beautiful daughter and noticed some shall we say changes. i feel very patronised by his mum, always commenting on my daughter as if she was hers (i've read that back and I sound completely bonkers) but for example the other day out of no where says "my first baby 33 and my 2nd baby 7months" and I couldn't even address this...then telling people "this is my only granddaughter but we'll be having another in 12 months. some might say its just a doting grandmother but i think there's a problem but i can't bring myself to say anything. they are just two examples i could write a book..anyone else experience anything like this or give me any tips on how to handle this?

OP posts:

Catchingmockingbirds · 13/03/2013 00:15

I know what you're talking about, I've noticed this quite a bit, grandparent referring to their grandchildren as their babies/their dc/my boy/etc. My aunt always says 'my boy' when talking about my son, I find it a bit strange but just ignore it as I don't see her all the time. If I seen her more often it would probably start to get to me.

Original poster

kathleenhannah1 · 13/03/2013 00:21

it didn't bother me at first but its happening more and more..whenever we have special occasions together as our little family unit (Christmas,mothers day etc) guaranteed something slight will be said to cause my partner and I to argue. My daughter says mama for the first time nope she's saying nana, she's a nannies girl...just like her daddy, got no look of her mummy maybe a little when she sleeps. honestly the list is endless .

OP posts:

caughtinagiggleloop · 13/03/2013 00:27

I don't mind it from grandparents but I do find it weird coming from the ladyfriend of DH's granddad! She's lovely but she refers to my DC and those of DH's cousins as "belonging to us all" which means she can be a pita wanting to express opinions all the time.

Original poster

kathleenhannah1 · 13/03/2013 00:30

yes I'd find that strange too...some people need to back off Haha .

OP posts:

Grinkly · 13/03/2013 01:54

Who said he was 'very independent from an early age' - sounds a load of bollox. ..... and very biased.

Can you dig out some pics of DD showing she is like your family, it doesn't really matter what DMIL says but nicer for you if you KNOW she is like you, which she is, prob half.

The unfortunate thing is when DGPs favour one GC, DMIL seems to think DD is 'hers' so prob will be less interested in other DCs, which is better for you but will it be better for other DCs or not?

Her domineering ways will matter less as DD gets older and a mind of her own

zippey · 13/03/2013 02:01

Sounds like your mil is being cute and nice and your being paranoid but I suspect there is more to this story. At least Dd has another adult who loves her eh?

princesssmartypantss · 13/03/2013 02:09

Weird i think! My mil and fil refer to my sil children as theirs perhaps because they did so much care when they were babies? Our ds has seen them regularly but he is most certainly ours not theirs and they seem to get this! Most amusing recently was conversation i witnessed, slightly gobsmacked, when pils were telling sil that the dc cannot have any processed product due to concerns over horsemeat. Wasn't advice it was dictation.

kickassangel · 13/03/2013 02:17

Sorry but it's weird. And wtf to them having another in a year? How s she planning to do that.

Talk to your dp, he needs to be onside with you, then gently challenge some of those comments.

mollysparks1 · 13/03/2013 10:37

tell me about ...she isn't the on who gave birth to an 11lb baby

Grinkly · 13/03/2013 15:39

Am possibly over thinking this but DH 'being very independent from an early age' sounds like MIL speak for her son hating being overwhelmed by his overly fussing mother and her describing it as the quote rather than admitting she had tried to smother him.
So she is using a similar overbearing 'love' with your DD?

prettywhiteguitar · 13/03/2013 16:17

what does your dh think ? I would find that very annoying, especially when she says youre having another in 12 months ! ewww

deste · 13/03/2013 22:47

You know what, she is just so happy and proud of your daughter. All my MIL could say about mine was that she had a funny eye and was slow at speaking. No she didn't have a funny eye and the reason she didn't answer you was she couldn't understand a word you said. As for the 12 month thing, just ignore or make a joke of it.

seeker · 13/03/2013 22:52

My mother always referred to my dd as "my girl". Can't see a problem.

WinkyWinkola · 13/03/2013 22:58

What's okay for some people clearly grates on others.

You don't need anybody else's permission to stop feeling annoyed about it. If it annoys you, then so be it. It's equally as valid a feeling as being fine about it.

Your dd is not your mil's baby at all. It does sound possessive and the bit about you having another in 12 months sounds controlling. Next time she says it, just say, "Who's we?"

I'd keep a wee bit of distance if she's starting to show more controlling and possessive traits.

Do you live nearby?

seeker · 13/03/2013 23:00

"I'd keep a wee bit of distance if she's starting to show more controlling and possessive traits."

Yeah. Because the last thing you want is for your baby to have too many people who love them, and want to spend time with them.

PixelAteMyFace · 13/03/2013 23:16

Just sounds like a doting grandmother to me, I`m sure she is unaware that you are taking offence.

Im guilty of referring to my DGS as my boy` sometimes, I say it spontaneously because I love him so much. And after all, he has a quarter of my genes!

Of course I know that he is his parents` child, not mine, and I would not expect them to take offence, but rather to be happy that their son is loved so thoroughly by his DGM.

I would have been delighted if my MIL had shown affection for my DCs

To be honest I don`t understand what the problem is. A bit of PFB possessiveness perhaps? Are you afraid of your DD loving someone else as well as yourself?

seeker · 13/03/2013 23:17

And she wouldn't be upset or hurt at all when you start distancing yourself-she's only a mil after all.........

mollysparks1 · 14/03/2013 00:25

obviously mixed reviews, although new to the site felt good to get it off my chest. i have no concerns with my daughter having more feeling or whatever for another person nor do i worry about how her behavior will affect our relationship...that would be silly. just wanted to see if anyone had a similar experience. Mil is for sure the doting GM sometimes over bearing. I suppose you'd have to walk in my shoes to fully understand however i understand my explanation might not be the best. Anyways conclusion is, I'm completely grateful my daughter is surrounded by people who love her, I'll try my best (as i have for the past 7month) to take comments on the chin or with a pinch of salt and a smile.

PurpleCrutches · 14/03/2013 01:08

My MIL can be like this sometimes. She called DS "her special boy" only she stopped because BIL (who was 13 at the time) got the hump!

She does seem to have the impression that DH managed to create DS and DD all by himself. She went on and on about DD's blue eyes, naming distant relatives of DH's that have blue eyes and how that must be where she got them from. I pointed out that my mother has blue eyes, MIL looked confused about why I brought it up!

The best thing to do is either ignore it, if you don't mind, or gently correct her, so she knows you don't like it. The 12 month comment was a bit much, I would have had to say something to that.

Good luck

YokoUhOh · 14/03/2013 01:47

My MIL is the same as yours. She told DS that he was 'the reincarnation of my [MIL's] mum'. Errr no he wasn't, he was a 6 week old baby. I got enraged one day when she insisted on holding him all day, my boobs got engorged and, when he started crying, she began applying Dentinox instead of letting me feed him!

You're not overreacting, but there isn't an awful lot you can do apart from bite your tongue :(

mollysparks1 · 14/03/2013 08:59

im glad I'm not the only one...thanks for sharing your stories makes me feel a bit better

MaryRobinson · 14/03/2013 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 14/03/2013 09:19

Look. People talk nonsense to babies. When I cuddle my great nephew and call him "my own precious little boy" I don't mean I think he's mine. When my mother opened the door and called "Where's my girl?" and my dd ran into her arms I didn't think she was trying to take over. Dd was her girl in a way. Children have relationships with everyone in their families- and they have their own relationships, not through their parents. And this starts early. And it is fine and healthy. They need all the family and love they can get. But nobody will ever be as important as their mum and dad. You don't have to do anything to protect their relationship with you and their dad- nature does that for you. So let her spread her love. It's one of the things babies are designed to do.

Magimedi · 14/03/2013 09:29

What a lovely post, Seeker And so very true.

YokoUhOh · 14/03/2013 11:31

Mary because she made me feel like I should let her hold him all the time because she was only there for a few days. She has selective deafness. Luckily I've got it into perspective; she can't hold him for very now he's 4 months and 16lbs, plus I always arrange to go out with DS when she's here to avoid suffocation :)

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