If you have a controlling DH, do you call them on it?

[GadaboutTheGreat]

Just wondering how people go about trying to resolve relationship problems when it basically comes down to the DH's behaviour?

How do you broach the subject of them pissing you off their behaviour, if they're likely to react badly anyway?

After another evening of DH stomping around and being generally arsey, I'm getting seriously tired of it
But have no idea how to deal with it.

We have 'house rules' (eg treat each other nicely, listen to each other etc, basic stuff the DC will understand), but we seem to be stuck in a big soggy rut at the moment

I just ignore really. After all this time it washes over me.

With xh I didn't approach it, he was very controlling, and I couldn't really say hello without it being turned around, but to be honest with dp I'm less inclined to put up with it, when he acts like your do I tell him to grow up and stop being like a child , followed by a refusal of being treated in any other manor than with respect, he gets told in no uncertain terms if he's being an idiot, but likewise he soon tells me to get back in my box if I'm the same with him. Good luck. But I do find honesty and openness key.

I usually do let it wash over me, but I don't know, it's making me more irritated than usual at the moment.

I also have a horrible fear that we are turning into how my DParents are were when I was at home. Dad was v PA, mum getting frustrated but not being able to do anything to improve things

Ah see Wrangler, my DH is scatterbrained and disorganised but tries to blame me for the resulting problems.

How do you deal with sulking? I find that the worst.

Exactly wrangler, as for sulking, dp doesn't really sulk but can do at times and when he does he's old to have a tin of man up. I'm mean lol.

You mean bullying... ? Bullies rely on you being so worried about their reaction that you let the bad behaviour go. 'Stomping around and being arsey' is his way of warning you off. Of course you have to pick him up on it and you have to make him take you seriously. My view is that, if someone wants to act like a bear with a sore head, they should go somewhere else to do it and not make my life miserable. 'Come back when you've decided if you want to be part of this family again... ' for example.

Ha Cogito 'bear with a sore head' is exactly how MiL describes him too
You're right though, I should stand up to his behaviour. It makes me shudder to think our DC will grow up witnessing it

GadaboutTheGreat,

Its not you, its him. You cannot even begin to change someone else's behaviour. He is making a choice to act like this and sometimes its learnt behaviour from childhood, after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

What is he like in other areas of your relationship?. Bullying behaviour like your Hs is purely designed to keep you well back and its working because you feel you cannot at all challenge his stance.

These situations are more often than not stemming from power and control issues within the relationship.

Trying to manage such behaviour is an impossible task and could well end up just wearing you down into the ground taking your self worth with it.

Not only witnessing it but thinking this is the normal way adult relationships should play out. They'll either identify with him and use bullying with their own partners, or they'll identify with you and think the way to behave in a marriage is to keep the peace at all costs.

That's why you have to stand up to him.

I tried that, but it didn't work. Tried ignoring it, but it eats away at you eventually. Then I left, and am much happier now. (and so is DS.)

Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear :(

DH is from another culture where men are generally more controlling than they are here...sometimes (not that often) it comes out- he'll try to tell me what to do etc. Also, linguistic challenges - English is not his first language- mean that he uses more imperatives than we English are comfortable with, so something that would sound like a suggestion can sound like an order coming from him.

Yes, I challenge it. If something pisses me off I let him know and I definitely don't do what he says unless I also think it's a good idea.

DH is so nice though, that there's no malice behind what comes across as controllingness, and he doesn't mind at all if I'm forthright in disagreeing with him.

I think this is the crux of the matter- is your husband nice OP?

Do you feel like you can disagree with him? Do you feel like you have your freedom?

I grew up in a home with my dad doing this. He used sulking, slamming doors, stone walling techniques and generally made the atmosphere tense to get his way if my mum tried to talk to him about something she was unhappy about. He wasn't overtly controlling, but made sure that what he wanted to have happen came about because we were all worried about his reaction if we dared to comment on anything.

I don't know why I'm using the past tense, because this is still happening now. The episode I witnessed last night was horrible, over something my mum is trying to accomplish at their workplace. He disagrees and threatens her with the fact he won't support her financially if it all goes wrong (which it won't as it's a relatively minor thing) and she backs down. He's probably still sulking. My grandparents say he has always been a terrible sulk - nothing like their other children.

My mum knows it's not the way that adults should behave towards one another, but she feels if she really stands up and says she won't tolerate it, he would leave her and not be too bothered about it. I always wonder where we all would have been if they hadn't reconciled when they separated when I was a lot younger.

It is and was unpleasant. My brother and I were on tenterhooks at times and as a result we are very aware of our own behaviour and try to ensure we don't fall into the same traps my parents did. It could have gone the other way though as we could be mimicking their behaviour, or be very averse to conflict and suffer as a result.

However, I would say I have been conditioned by my dad's behaviour, as even as an adult I would never pick him up on his bad behaviour towards anyone, and go out of my way to ensure that he isn't bothered by my DCs in case he acts unpleasantly towards them as I worry they'll end up feeling the way I felt; that his love was conditional based purely on the fact that he got his way and we all behaved how he wanted us to.

Sorry this post is so long, it's struck a particular nerve after last night. I really hope you find a way to get it across to your DH that it's not acceptable to behave this way.

I used to. Didn't work though. Now separated.

I don't know, Gadabout, but your op was such a close refelection of my life that I actually gasped. I am reading the replies with interest.

I feel strongly that I need to address dh's tendency to act as though I am to blame for anything that goes wrong in his day. Someone piss you off at work? Grump at the wife, but don't say why. Someone cut you up on the way home? Respond by telling the wife her housework is not up to scratch. Etc. Only trouble is, I have no idea how to start that conversation, which makes me feel utterly pathetic - and that isn't helping. Like you, I am convinced that he will not accept responsibility and will turn it back on me, which means I'll be right back where I started.

If you find what works, let me know!

What littledie said. He wouldn't or couldn't change so I left him.

By the way, all my rl friends give me the same advice as on this thread, so I know there's something in it. I just don't know how to start the, 'Dh, stop being an arse,' conversation.

"I have no idea how to start that conversation"

You start the way I do with my 12yo DS.... 'Just because you've had a bad day, it is not acceptable to take it out on me'. I'm happy to listen to his problems or try to resolve them constructively, but in my home non-specific scowling, grouchiness and other bad-tempered stuff stays outside the front door.

Suggest that's how you tackle your DH. Refuse to be the Aunt Sally....

Yes, what Cogito said!

You don't need to wait for a good time. Blurt it out when he is being an arsehole!

But you have to be aware that it could mean the end of your relationship. You have to really want the balance of power to shift (to even, rather than all weighted down his end).

Do you want to be a doormat for the rest of your life? Do you want to model that to your children?

If not, then it's up to you to make it clear he needs to change, because he's not just going to wake up one day, and see the error of his ways!

Not all controlling men are abusers. DH had really poor role models in his parents (his mother walks all over his lovely father). When I (finally) got tired of walking on eggshells, he realised what he would lose (me and the DC), and changed his behaviour.

Yeah, I left mine too. Came to the realisation that he was choosing to behave like that on some level, and didn't actually WANT to change. When I started seeing it as a choice, I saw how little he valued me to repeatedly treat me like that deliberately, so I left him and am very happy I did.

Thank you! Op, I'm sorry to thread hijack, but I have just received some cracking advice. I am relieved to hear, 'not all controlling men are abusers'. Dh is not abusive, but he can be an arse and it is getting worse, so I need to call him on it. I really like the tip that I have to be prepared for the relationship to change. You are so right! Thinking about it, I want it to change, because the status quo is rubbish. That gives me the push I need, hopefully.

'Walking on eggshells' is exactly it. That's no way to live. It has to change. I do not mean I am afraid of violent outbursts - there are none; dh is a very gentle man. I mean the verbal criticisms, the blaming of me for things that were accidental, unintentional or simply haven't occurred in the way that he describes it.

He is helpful around the house (very), handy with a toolkit and can be funny and loving, but when stressed he becomes a grumpy, critical arse and I am reduced to a cautious, unhappy existence. That is not what I want for myself or for the dc. Here marks my turning point!

I'm too scared to call my husband on it so I'm planning on leaving, having counselling and just email a load of solicitors...