My STBXH is now dating!

[Moanranger]

He ended the marriage three weeks ago and now emails me to say is it ok if he sees women socially - does not want them named in divorce suit. I am not surprised by this, although it is upsetting. He is pushing 60 and hasn't "dated" for 25 years, so I am wondering a few things, such as:

He has a few things going for him (not overweight, non-smoker) but even so, at 60, a bit past his sell-by date, I would think!

Condoms! Boy, will that surprise, him, they are de rigeur now, and he has probably never used one or not for about 40 years.

I am amazed that there are women out there that will consider him. (Separated, not much dosh) Most single women I know around my age have no interest in dating. One of the reasons I would not is no interest in becoming nurse/carer for a partner, which is more likely than not, and more likely sooner rather than later. Friendship rules!

Any comments on this? What other "old man" factors puts off women?

Conversely, why would they - I guess the answer to that is desperation.

Bit of a rant, really, but just wanted to get off my chest, any feedback to help me deal with this/put in perspective would be helfpul.

To be fair he's emailed you asking your permission.
Quite decent of him really.

He already has someone and doesn't want you to file for adultery.

Late fifties is hardly in his dotage. With divorce stats being what they are there are plenty of single middle-aged women out there looking for love and companionship. Possibly that's why he ended the marriage. Has he got one lined up already and the whole 'can I see women socially' is a bit of a smoke-screen?

My best advice is to concentrate on yourself rather than giving too much thinking time to him and his love-life.

Why does anyone have a relationship with another person? Companionship, friendship, sex?

60 isn't old. Just because you don't like him doesn't mean someone else won't

What Lueji says sorry.

It may be he met someone, decided he liked them so ended your marriage before moving on with them but I think he had someone in the pipeline.

He already has someone and doesn't want you to file for adultery.

This ^

He's not that old. He's not dead. Why shouldn't he date people? I'm 31 and I fancy quite a few men in their 50s... OTOH 3 weeks is pretty soon. I'm sorry if that's upsetting you :(

Yep, Lueji has nailed it... but I suspect you'll have your work cut out to prove it.

However, as adulterers are no longer cast out of polite society, there's nothing to be gained financially from citing adultery as the one and only ground for divorce.

Btw, if he's not already, he'll be snapped up as soon as he puts himself 'out there' and, given that stis are becoming more prevalent among the over 50's than their younger counterparts, I wouldn't place too much reliance on condoms being 'de rigeur'.

I am 39 and I would date someone in their late 50's if I liked him, I certainly wouldnt be considering having to 'nurse' someone at that age!!

Do women of 'your age' really have no interest in dating? are you sure! I think you are writing yourself off way before your time! I hope that I am not thinking of myself as at the end of the road by your age ! :-/ thats a scary thought !

What Lueji said

Also, there aint nothing wrong with dating 60 year olds. I'm 48 and am often asked out by 6o odd year old men. Don't see what the problem is personally.

Yep my first thought was that this "date" is actually the OW that you didnt know about and he is making sure you dont name her in the divorce because he knows that you could.

I can understand you having these feelings, a few weeks after a break-up of a 25 year relationship things must be still very raw.

But assuming other women will laugh in his face, find him old and undesirable and ready for a care home is going to let you in for a huge shock I think.

And you really shouldn't think that any woman that is interested in him has to be 'desperate' - that just comes across as bitter.

I should add that while being almost 60 shouldnt be a bar to dating, it is a bit of a risk, so that shores up the idea of him finding an OW before he left rather than risking shock horror being on his own.

HAs he ever lived on his own?

He absolutely shown his hand by asking your permission. If he'd said he was seeing someone you wouldn't have cared a jot. but as it is he's bringing up the subject, and grounds, means he's made it quite clear what's going on in his noggin. Idiot.

Will it make any difference if you file for adultery? Does he want a quick divorce? Or a slow one? Have you got advice about finances etc?

For your own sake, it's best if you let go of this man, and just go for the quickest and fairest divorce possible.
Please don't bother yourself with his possible love life.

Also saying that you are not necessarily out of the dating scene, and you may find yourself entertaining that thought at some point. :)

Definitely not too old.

Thanks for so many quick responses. Interesting perceptions on a 59 YO man. What is deeply unpleasant about him is his complaining, rigidity, hypochondria, anger and shoutyness, which all developed as he got older. I find men his age very much like that. I think they often have undiagnosed depression. I spent a lot of our marriage managing that. And I won't miss it. And I won't look for another one like him.

Regarding past the sell-by date, I notice that a lot of the singles groups specify up to 55. I am sure there are groups for older ones, but that gave me the impression that post 55 for both sexes is problematic.

This sounds terribly sexist, but I find men my age, with very few exceptions, unattractive physically. A lot of the men I grew up with lost their looks big-time, more so than the women. A few haven't.

Interesting responses to OW pre-dating split. He swears not, but maybe he had his eye on someone, without progressing it? Who knows.

I started dating three weeks after getting divorced.

To start with I decided to stay single for a while, as it just seemed the right thing to do. But then I felt I was just moping around, and wondered what I was avoiding dating for. Certainly my ex-wife didn't care, as we didn't have contact after the divorce was finalised. So I started dating.

My point being that his being quick to start dating again doesn't automatically mean he has had someone lined up for a while.

But the best advice has already been given to you - the less you think about him, and especially his love life, the better.

I dont think the complaining, anger etc. is just for 59 year old men ! my Ex 43 year old H was the same, I think its just when you come to the end of the road with a partner :-/

He is much happier now and so am I!

I find the opposite in men, I find a lot of men are much more attractive as the age, maybe you are looking in the wrong places!

OP you could look for a younger man :-) I dated a 23 year old for a while, which was interesting to say the very least ;-)

Well OP, if he really is that annoying then whoever he dates will have the joy of discovering it for themselves. Not your problem any more. And you don't have to date men your own age if you don't want to. I have a 50 year old friend who is dating a 30 year old man, they are blissfully happy together. Good luck.

My general view is that I will be happier when divorced. I was making too many compromises. This latest development slightly caught me off-guard. I could use it to my advantage, though to move things along.

I think that if another relationship emerged, it would be very different than my marriage - in fact I would not want to marry again - seems to me marriage is mainly for when you have children.

Bad lad this happened 3 weeks after he announced he no longer wanted to be married, not 3 weeks after the divorce - that is still months off.