My STBXH is now dating!

[Moanranger]

He ended the marriage three weeks ago and now emails me to say is it ok if he sees women socially - does not want them named in divorce suit. I am not surprised by this, although it is upsetting. He is pushing 60 and hasn't "dated" for 25 years, so I am wondering a few things, such as:

He has a few things going for him (not overweight, non-smoker) but even so, at 60, a bit past his sell-by date, I would think!

Condoms! Boy, will that surprise, him, they are de rigeur now, and he has probably never used one or not for about 40 years.

I am amazed that there are women out there that will consider him. (Separated, not much dosh) Most single women I know around my age have no interest in dating. One of the reasons I would not is no interest in becoming nurse/carer for a partner, which is more likely than not, and more likely sooner rather than later. Friendship rules!

Any comments on this? What other "old man" factors puts off women?

Conversely, why would they - I guess the answer to that is desperation.

Bit of a rant, really, but just wanted to get off my chest, any feedback to help me deal with this/put in perspective would be helfpul.

The principle still applies - I am British but not in the UK, and divorces here can be done same day if you like. There was almost no time between my saying I wanted a divorce and actually getting one, so I was still dating again after calling time.

Anyway, hope you are indeed happier once divorced.

I don't think older people dating is a sign of desperation at all.

I would also think that if you fall in love, at any age, the possibility of illness as you both get older is part of the relationship as well. Of course it's not only men who get 'old' or ill. I do voluntary work for older people and the love and caring of some couples in pretty sad situations is pretty wonderful in my eyes.

And I suppose the same "old man" factors could be the same as the "old women" ones as well.

Don't be bitter. If he was that awful to you then you should be happy that you are now free of him.

MoanR you can't generalise about people because of their age. My new DP is over 55 and he is funny, kind, optimistic and flexible. His friend is 65 and has awful personal hygiene and few teeth but he has been successfully dating and has found a sweet lady to look after him, much to our surprise!

I am more concerned about your ideas about getting older. I have had more fun since I turned fifty than I had in two decades before that. Being financially secure, having no dependent children and good health means the world is my oyster. I agree about not wanting to get married again, but that doesn't mean you can't have a loving relationship with the right man.

One guy I met was looking for someone he could get old with and go round the Garden Centre! He was a hot 48 year old but he recognised the next stage might be more about friendship and less about lust.

I think you are a bit battle worn and need some time to recover from your marriage and rediscover who you are and what you enjoy. It took me two years after a 24 year marriage - they say a month for every year is normal.

Thanks LD. I am indeed battle worn from meeting his needs - so that I am not sure of what mine are. I am actually a rather bold, go for it type person & find few soul mates - the complacent and risk averse are more common - also a lot of men seeking to be taken care of, financially & otherwise.
I think maybe STBXH fantasising about all these hot ladies gagging for it, but my impression is that it is rather more complicated than that.

I think he's got a nerve. Three weeks after his marriage ends and he's already wanting to date. It's not his age that isn't right it's his unseemly rush onto the dating scene.

Thanks, Vivienne -that was my reaction, too ; I'm glad someone ses it my way.

At the moment he keeps emailing me random stuff; the one that started the thread re dating - he wanted to be sure if he started dating I wouldn't then name the "date" in a divorce! When I responded that I was intending to use "unreasonable behaviour" I then got " when was I ever unreasonable?" Ah, yes. In his world, he is perfect & does no wrong. The kind of man that NEVER apologises.
He also emailed to ask why we couldn't wait two years & use the two year separation reason. Said it was cheaper. For whom? Now the ball is rolling, I want it to be over. Also emailed to say the children " were fully briefed & up to speed on reasons for divorce." like some sort of frigging business meeting. guy's a dickhead. I didn't respond to either of these, and am ignoring all emails that aren't specifically factual.

Just let it go, because he's not your problem any more. Honestly, it doesn't matter who he dates, or who he shags, or anything else he does as long as you get a fair settlement and an agreement about contact with DC.

SGB the settlement thing is still very early days. DC are late teens-early 20s so contact not an issue.

I confided about upcoming divorce to a friend who has been married 25+ years. Her last child leaving home next autumn and she is really worried about marriage + empty nest syndrome. Feels marriage very stale. I am not alone in this, I guess.

I know a 58 year man who I suspect thinks at 51, I am too old for him and has women, presumably, younger than me on the go, 2 or 3 at the same time.

He has not intention of committing himself to anyone and why should he when there are lots of women looking for his sort.

50+ is the fastest growing demographic for STDs. We're all out there doing it like rabbits.

My XH has improved quite a lot since being separated from me - being happier may make yours less shouty etc.

What exactly is your problem with it?

I thought you could now get a no fault divorce after a year of separation with mutual consent. I can see exactly why you are annoyed with him. I don't think with his attitude you should give him any guarantees of who you will name if you decide to go down this path. He's being very calculating I think.

I would think a presentable late 50s man who is separated, no dependent kids, not on his uppers, will get snapped up in weeks.
Eg a v presentable uncle who was widowed, it was practically handbags at dawn at the golf club, and he was remarried within the year.

My old, grumpy DH can be charm itself with other people (and sometimes with me). Your DH is prob the same.

But I think you have had a lucky escape, instead of years of said grumpy old git you now have the world at your feet. DCs nearly grown, no ties. A daunting prospect but make a start on finding what it is YOU want in life, for once putting yourself first (but also be extra kind to DCs this will be a blow to them even if they are nearly grown).

V best of luck with your 'advenure' Moanranger I am envious in a way .

Purple It was an email & took me aback. I am still in our flat part-time and I had visions of him stumbling up the stairs with some bimbo IYKWIM.

Vivienne I thought there was an irreconcilable differences category, too, but no. Reasons to cite for divorce are very limited: adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, and two years separation.

Grinkly I am sure you are completely right, and in rational moments this is how I feel, but I morn a marriage. Don't morn loss of the man.

Yes, all the work and effort you will have put into building a good home for DCs and DH for all those years, it must be hard.

FYI DCs leaving home was just wonderful for me. They left happily, by that I mean problem free, ie no lack of a job or anything that might have kept me 'helping' them. I still love it (not being a full on mum) 10 years on.

But finding something fulfilling and interesting for me, to take the place of home-running has taken a time but the sooner you start looking and trying things the better.