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Original poster

DP and money

50 replies

VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:37

I am so angry with DP and I dont know what to do about it.

A bit of background, DP and I both work full time for the same company and we earn the same. We have 4 children (eldest 2 are my ex husbands) living at home and I am on maternity leave, still getting full pay until April where it will then drop to SMP.

We have seperate bank accounts (for reasons which will become clear later on). DP pays some bills and I pay the rent and food shopping. Even though I get more money coming in (child benefit and maintenance) I still pay out more. DP has about £500 a month to do what he wants with and I generally have no money left. If I want something like clothes or the hairdressers I have to budget carefully, but we get by.

The problem is that DP spends money like water and cannot reign in his spending. He smokes, has an active social life, has a sports car and has many many hobbies and will not curtail his spending or cut down on his social life. We are currently surving on pay day loans and I hate it. I budget every month to try and pay them off and stop the cycle of relying on them. We normally borrow about £200 a month each. But in January DP decided we needed a new camera because he wants to take pictures of cars. He watches rallys in the woods and wants to take pictures. I just dont get it. Anyway he went on and on about the camera until he wore me down. He bought the camera for £350 which was funded by a payday loan, he couldnt even wait till payday to buy it. Now he is "needing" a £200 lense to go with it. It doesnt matter what I say he will buy it.

We need to do the house up so much, it hasnt been decorated for years, the kids need new beds, we need new carpets etc etc but never have the money for them. If it is not him buying a camera it is buying things for his bloody car.

Anyway, to today. When he bought the camera we agreed that we would take the hit at payday to pay off the wonga loans and we would live frugally and before payday if we needed another wonga loan we would only borrow £200 maximum. I have stuck to my budget and today got a £200 loan to last me throught to pay day and a friends 40th birthday meal. I am hoping that I wont need another loan next month and I will be out of the cycle of loans. I have asked DP a couple of times if he has got a loan yet and if he was sticking to the budget, he replied he had and all was fine.

I checked his bank account today and he has taken out 2 payday loans to the value of £800. yes, £800 fucking pounds. With interest he is going to be paying back over £950. I felt sick when I saw it. All this month I have been scrimping and scraping, going into town everday to buy cheap food, stocking up at farm foods, checking out the bargains for shampoo, buying cheap everything to I could last as long as possible before having another payday loan and he has had £800 and spent it on what??? He has nothing to show for it. £800 to fund his fucking social life and hobbies.

We have to pay £300 each on pay day for the gas and electric bills, I was hoping to have some money off him to pay off my credit card which is one less bill to pay.

I have text him saying that I know about the loans and he said he will ring and explain. Explain what? He lied through his teeth. So fucking angry

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/03/2013 13:45

Are you honestly saying that both you and your dh take out payday loans once a month?

What on earth for??

You have a list of things you need for the kids and the house and you are taking out loans for cameras.?

I have no advice. I am astounded tbh

Xales · 12/03/2013 13:50

WTF

Your H has £500 a month for himself, you are scrimping and getting by on payday loans!

I couldn't live with a selfish wanker like this.

PeppermintPasty · 12/03/2013 13:51

Bloody hell.

I'm a bit lax with the cash, but not to this extent.

Well, you have to completely overhaul your joint budgeting/finances don't you? And if he's not on board with that, I'm not sure what to suggest. I'd absolutely lose it with my oh if he kept on doing this, and he's royally crap with money.

Where on earth does the big sense of entitlement to do this come from, do you think? And why would you need to use payday loans in the first place? I mean in the very first place. And it's a genuine question, not a snarky one.

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:51

Tantrums I am not taking out a payday loan for a camera, DP did it. Any payday loan I take out pays for food, school dinners. I wish I could blow it all on luxuries for myself but I dont. I am the sensible one who scrimps and srapes to make ends meet.

Like I said, DP spends money like water and I always end up subbing him money which makes me short. Not any more, he can fucking suffer and go without like I have been doing.

OP posts:
Hegsy · 12/03/2013 13:52

Why is he being left with £500 every month and you basically nothing? In all honesty I couldn't live like this. I know I probably spend more than my DH on a month to month basis but he never goes without and if he needs/wants anything he gets it. Although I do most of the budget so DH does ask me 'how we are?'

To be honest I don't think I could stay with a man like this....how is he in other ways? Kids/housework etc? If you said 1 month with no nights out for either of you, no extra spending etc do you think he would do it?

NinaHeart · 12/03/2013 13:54

I think if he really wanted to change this situation, the only thing he could do would be to pay ALL his earnings into your account and let you manage it, including giving him a bit of pocket money each month. And at the first hint of a Wonga loan, I'd be out of there.

However, does he want to change or is he quite happy with his spendthrift situation and seeing his children go short?

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:54

Hegsy, no I dont think he could. I have begged him to give up smoking as we cannot afford it but he wont. His social calender is getting busier and busier and I am going without to help pay for it.

As with the kids he is brilliant, a proper hands on dad. Housework? doesnt lift a finger.

OP posts:
NotLongUntilXmas · 12/03/2013 13:56

What will happen in April when your income drops?

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:57

I think his problem is that as we both work he thinks we have a certain amount of money and spends accordingly. He doesnt take into account that bills have gone up and up and up, gas and electric have gone through the roof, petrol is at an all time high and we havent had a pay rise for 3 years.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/03/2013 13:57

Make sure you never put your name to a loan that YOU cannot manage.

Make sure he is not using your name as guarantor.

After that, personally, I would be leaving the arsehole. Sorry, but I coulnt live like that. The family has one pot of money or it has none.

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:58

I have no idea NotLong, I have budgeted and made lists but this relied on me paying off my credit cards. He wont have any spare money left to help me. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/03/2013 13:58

So, you need payday loans to buy food despite 2 full time wages?

Is that due to your DP excessive spending? If you have seperate accounts then surely your wage goes into your own account? Are you having to pay all of the bills because he is spending all his money on expensive toys?

If thats the case he is a selfish wanker and needs a reality check.

Wonderland121 · 12/03/2013 13:58

Wow just wow!
How much are your combined wages per month?
You both seriously need to get some financial control & live within your means what a waste of money.
Other than that I don't really know what to say!
I am shocked.

Reality · 12/03/2013 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 14:00

Wannabe, I may be daft to put up with the situation but I am not that daft! No way would I sign up to any loan unless it was for something tangable like a car which would be in my name.

OP posts:
TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/03/2013 14:00

Sorry posted too soon.

If that is the case, that he is not contributing financially then you need 1 account that you have control over. Work out all of your outgoings and then whatever is left, is split between you. If one spends it all on rubbish in 5 minutes, tough.

PeppermintPasty · 12/03/2013 14:00

He sounds entitled and lazy.

The question is, I suppose, what you feel you can or will do about it. If it's been an issue before and he's steamed ahead despite threats or whatever from you, then he'll do the same again. He's detracting from his family's quality of life.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 12/03/2013 14:02

Ive just reread your OP. So you pay rent and food shopping. And on a full time wage, you cant manage that without at least one £200 loan?
It doesnt make sense.

Original poster
VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 14:03

Yes Reality, I probably am insane. We agreed to the meal moths ago, I was hoping we would have everything sorted by now and would be in a better position financially. I didnt forsee cameras and lenses Sad.

I am trying really hard to break out of the cycle, just when I think I am doing it something comes along like the washing machine breaking, needing a new tyre etc.

But your suggestin is a good one, I am going to lay the law down tonight. He either changes and we get out of this payday loan nightmare or he can fuck off. I cant live never having any money and taking out pay day loans.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/03/2013 14:04

Sorry if you felt I was suggesting you are stupid. I wasnt.

I know of two people who have had their OHs take out loans in their name. Without their knowledge.

Wonderland121 · 12/03/2013 14:06

Vodka I think you should lay down the law I also think you should take control of all the finances he shouldn't be having £500 left over when you are struggling.
Good luck

Reality · 12/03/2013 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppermintPasty · 12/03/2013 14:08

Good for you. And while you're about it, tell him to pull his weight with the housework Wink You both work ft, he should be doing his share too.

Acandlelitshadow · 12/03/2013 14:09

He needs a reality check pronto.

If he's that crap with money, you need to control the household finances with him having a pre-agreed allowance. Do not put your name to loans he's taking out or you will be liable for them if he defaults.

CremeEggScoffer · 12/03/2013 14:11

what you have to think about is if wonga or whoever suddenly don't approve a loan, what would happen then? Your children won't eat? What does your 'd'p say about that?