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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP and money

50 replies

VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 13:37

I am so angry with DP and I dont know what to do about it.

A bit of background, DP and I both work full time for the same company and we earn the same. We have 4 children (eldest 2 are my ex husbands) living at home and I am on maternity leave, still getting full pay until April where it will then drop to SMP.

We have seperate bank accounts (for reasons which will become clear later on). DP pays some bills and I pay the rent and food shopping. Even though I get more money coming in (child benefit and maintenance) I still pay out more. DP has about £500 a month to do what he wants with and I generally have no money left. If I want something like clothes or the hairdressers I have to budget carefully, but we get by.

The problem is that DP spends money like water and cannot reign in his spending. He smokes, has an active social life, has a sports car and has many many hobbies and will not curtail his spending or cut down on his social life. We are currently surving on pay day loans and I hate it. I budget every month to try and pay them off and stop the cycle of relying on them. We normally borrow about £200 a month each. But in January DP decided we needed a new camera because he wants to take pictures of cars. He watches rallys in the woods and wants to take pictures. I just dont get it. Anyway he went on and on about the camera until he wore me down. He bought the camera for £350 which was funded by a payday loan, he couldnt even wait till payday to buy it. Now he is "needing" a £200 lense to go with it. It doesnt matter what I say he will buy it.

We need to do the house up so much, it hasnt been decorated for years, the kids need new beds, we need new carpets etc etc but never have the money for them. If it is not him buying a camera it is buying things for his bloody car.

Anyway, to today. When he bought the camera we agreed that we would take the hit at payday to pay off the wonga loans and we would live frugally and before payday if we needed another wonga loan we would only borrow £200 maximum. I have stuck to my budget and today got a £200 loan to last me throught to pay day and a friends 40th birthday meal. I am hoping that I wont need another loan next month and I will be out of the cycle of loans. I have asked DP a couple of times if he has got a loan yet and if he was sticking to the budget, he replied he had and all was fine.

I checked his bank account today and he has taken out 2 payday loans to the value of £800. yes, £800 fucking pounds. With interest he is going to be paying back over £950. I felt sick when I saw it. All this month I have been scrimping and scraping, going into town everday to buy cheap food, stocking up at farm foods, checking out the bargains for shampoo, buying cheap everything to I could last as long as possible before having another payday loan and he has had £800 and spent it on what??? He has nothing to show for it. £800 to fund his fucking social life and hobbies.

We have to pay £300 each on pay day for the gas and electric bills, I was hoping to have some money off him to pay off my credit card which is one less bill to pay.

I have text him saying that I know about the loans and he said he will ring and explain. Explain what? He lied through his teeth. So fucking angry

OP posts:

ruthyroo · 12/03/2013 14:12

Have you ever sat down and worked through a budget together? It's the first step to genuinely sharing finances and living within your means. While I have no sympathy for your partner and share many of the pp's reactions to his behavior, I have been a bit like him in the past - ignorant of the true financial picture, using o/d and credit cards to fill the gaps and scared that budgeting would restrict the stuff I liked to do. This was all pre-marriage and kids btw. Dh and I found that although we were both earning we were skint every month. Sitting down together, working out a workable budget, talking about it often - we 've been doing that for years now as a joint effort through all our financial changes - me being a sham, him being a student or working part time,moving abroad.

The only way this works though is by both bring honest, having similar attitudes and values sbout spending and saving, and bring committed to it as a joint project.

Acandlelitshadow · 12/03/2013 14:12

Also sign up for a credit check agency. Noddle is free. That way you can make sure neither he (nor anyone else) is taking credit out in your name.

startlife · 12/03/2013 14:14

He is irresponsible and unless he decides to grow up you will forever be in this situation. I'm so sorry, it must be so stressful for you.

He is selfish and I suspect he expects you to bail him out and 'mother' him. I'm not sure what you can do as he needs to decide to stop acting like a spoilt child. He simply can't afford the social lifestyle that he wants.

pictish · 12/03/2013 14:15

I am so sorry for you OP, because you are in a relationship with a spoiled, entitled, unrealistic, grabby child.

Payday loans every month?

I feel faint just thinking about it!!

AllOverIt · 12/03/2013 14:15

I couldn't be with someone like this. For me the lying and the blatant disregard for the family while he swans off enjoying his hobbies and leaving you up shit creak is a deal breaker.

What an arsehole.

Original poster

VodkaJelly · 12/03/2013 14:18

Thanks everyone, I have managed to stop crying!

You have given me the kick up the arse I need. He has 2 options, he either agrees to a fixed spreadsheet and has pocket money, and we can be out of payday loan nightmare in 2 months, puts all his hobbies and socialising on hold (and can stick the lense up his arse) or he goes, simple as. I would be much better off financially without him. Not having to sub his fags and beer all the time would help.

We have a 10 week old DD and the though of him leaving feels me with dread but I am not going to be lied to anymore and he lives the life of riley whilst I struggle to make ends meet and put food on the table and replace the leaky school shoes. If I back down now I will be writing this again in 10 years time. I will not back down, this time he has pushed me too far.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2013 14:19

Was wondering why are you actually still together at all given his irresponsible attitude to money?. He will and is dragging you down with him and your financial situation will become worse when you receive SMP in April. Both of you need a financial reality check as of now, he particularly so.

You will only store up more problems for yourselves by relying on payday loans to tide you over; they are legalised loan sharks who rely on people like yourselves to keep them going. You cannot live like this, its not sustainable but at least you realise that. He clearly does not but it will all come crashing down around your ears soon enough.

Your man is also not a good dad to his children; women often write such comments about their man when they themselves have nothing positive to write about them. As is the case here

How much is the actual debt now?. You probably do not know the full amount.

Would actually talk to the CCCS re these debts because these can spiral out of control in a very short amount of time due to their high interest rates. Another option for you is to look at a credit union; at least their terms are fairer.

fruitypie · 12/03/2013 14:19

This must be so hard for you. When I first moved in with my partner (now husband, we do not have children yet but are expecting our first in July) he was absolutely TERRIBLE at spending. He couldn't budget to save his life and we would constantly run out of money before the end of the month after all the rent and bills had come out of my account. We would 'rely' on the money in his to pay for food etc, at pay day he would buy new shoes, go out with friends, buy clothes, aftershave and 2 weeks later would have no money to buy food!!!

I got to the end of my tether and planned to have a massive chat with him. To cut a long story short it turned out he had 4 payday loans outstanding and was constantly borrowing more to just fund his lifestyle each month. We wanted to start a family but I refused until finances were sorted. in the end we opened up a joint account, took 6 months to pay off his payday loans (in the meantime we lived on a pittance) had our wages go into this joint account and all bills come out of it. We got onto an even keel and now we both have the same outlook all is ok :) if one of us needs new things we always double check with each other to make sure our finances can cover it and it really works.

It's all fair and well saying that you wont sub him money anymore etc but at the same time you have 4 children in your home that you are BOTH responsible for. He needs to change his ways for your sake and the kids. The stress of constantly running out of money not having enough each month was awful and I dont dont how I coped never mind with children to add to the equation. Its a shame that it is just you that seems to think it cant go on like this anymore and that its you that is trying to make the step to sort it out. Im hoping you can make him see sense so you can both work together. :)

AllOverIt · 12/03/2013 14:20

Good for you Vodka!

Good luck

wannabedomesticgoddess · 12/03/2013 14:24

Good luck! I hope you can make him see sense!

MooncupGoddess · 12/03/2013 14:28

Can you work out how much money you've thrown away on interest for payday loans? I'm sure it would cover his camera lens several times over!

Hegsy · 12/03/2013 14:47

I think it may be time to cut your losses......I know that probably sounds harsh but by the sounds of it he's not bringing anything of substance to the relationship and causing you more worry. At least on your own you are responsible for yourselves and the DC and no-one else.

Do you own or rent your property? Is it joint or sole tenancy? I would really be making plans to leave.

Hegsy · 12/03/2013 14:54

oops see what happpens when you take a call and don't refresh! Glad you've made this decision vodka - good luck

pictish · 12/03/2013 14:56

Good for you Vodka - and if that camera lens appears, give him a colonoscopy with it.
What a fucking numbskull he is!

crypes · 12/03/2013 15:00

your getting payday loans cos your not getting that £500 off him. what are you scared of? you have already realised hes crap with money, so take the bull by the horns and confront him on this issue.He can only tell you to fck off. well then you know where you stand.

joblot · 12/03/2013 15:05

Wow. How horrible and depressing. Selfish and idle. And useless with money. Not good enough. He's treating you very badly, please think long and hard about your self worth

NinaHeart · 12/03/2013 15:10

Well said Vodka.
And obviously come back here for updates and futher arse-kicking if needed!
I wish you well.

andthenshewasdone · 12/03/2013 16:44

i have my own thread, regarding dh and attitude to spending. we are not in pay day loan territory, but a similair amount 'his' spending money expectations. we may split over it. for me, it is the attitude behind such behaviour, not just the money. you must be exhausted with your new baby-how come his social life is increasing anyway at such a time? how can he be focusing on his hobby at such a time in his life?

if a new baby doesn't focus his priorities, what would?

it's okay expect a father to put his children first.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/03/2013 17:04

I'm afraid I would insist he sold the bloody camera to pay down his loans. Good luck with your chat.

AllOverIt · 12/03/2013 18:04

Report back when you have had your chat. Good luck!

akaemmafrost · 12/03/2013 18:35

My ex was like this. I posted about him years ago on here. When his team got through to the Champions League final in Moscow I discovered him trying to take out a loan to go to it. We had NO money, in debt up to our eyes and as a family hadn't had a holiday for three years. He had a way of wearing me down too but not over that. His selfishness used to actually make me feel physically sick.

Three years post separation he is still exactly the same, earns a huge salary and just blows it. I suspect your DH will be similar. It's no way to live.

pinkpaws · 12/03/2013 20:01

I have never said this before but i will now you need to LEAVE NOW take your kids and go stay with a friend or family member who can take care of you for a bit . Get some space and start again as you said you can budget and provide for your children he is the one causing you all this pain with out him you will be free of worry and bloody pay day loans.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2013 20:28

What struck me is that you have his two children living with you and yet you are the one with no money!

OP, he's not going to change. Be realistic. He is an entitled twat who thinks he can have and do whatever he wants and you will always pick up the pieces.

Even if you love him, for your children's and your sake live separately for him for a year at least before deciding whether to continue a life with this man.

postmanpatscat · 12/03/2013 20:34

IB, all the children are OP's but only youngest 2 with her DP. Not that it makes much difference, he would take food out of the children's mouths whichever way you look at it.

ImperialBlether · 12/03/2013 20:37

Oh OK, sorry, my mistake. And yes, he would and does. He's awful!

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