Newly single, another woman's husband tried to kiss me at a party :(

[notthesamenametoday]

I mean for fuck's sake, is that what I've got in store for me now I'm on my own?

I went to a wedding - close friends. First big social occasion I've been to on my own, I've been hibernating since separating; focusing on home, work and kids.

Felt very nervous about going. Everyone was in couples except me, and it's a wedding, not easy when you've recently separated.

But I relaxed after a while and just enjoyed the party. I'm a friendly, chatty person who gets on well with both men and women. More of a woman's woman though really. Not one of those whose attention wanders when a man enters the room and she feels the need for some ego boosting.

Later in the evening, one of the guys who I'd been talking to earlier that evening tried to give me a proper kiss, kind of cornered me. I keep getting flashbacks and it feels quite unreal; I know I was horrified and escaped asap, but I was a bit pissed so it's a bit of a blur.

I know I'm blameless because I don't flirt, he's not attractive at all and I wouldn't even kiss Daniel Craig (swoon) because he's married. But I still feel guilty and worried that anyone would think I came on to this guy. I feel dirty and culpable and wonder what the fuck signals I could have given out. I know it's ridiculous and I am victim-blaming. But I feel very vulnerable now I'm on my own. I'm not looking for a relationship at all, let alone a grubby affair with someone else's husband. I'd hate any woman to think I was a predator or unsafe because I am not. I'm worried that this is normal; sleazy husbands will think I am fair game/desperate.

This guy wasn't just sleazy for doing what he did, he's the kind of little creep I'd never touch with a bargepole at any time in my life. It sounds vain but to be frank I am way way out of his league and I feel kind of horrified that he thought it was Ok to have a go...

It's made me feel horrible about what was otherwise a really lovely event. I haven't told anyone and am not planning to, so thought I'd vent on here if that's OK. :(

This is all new to me. Any women out there who've had to renegotiate social life with married friends who can tell me if this is normal or not? Thanks in advance.

Your post has really rung a bell for me as, since my divorce, I have had to reassess some of my friendships because of this problem. Like you, I wouldn't dream of starting something with someone else's husband but on two occasions, friends' husbands have made suggestive comments to me, as if they thought it was OK as I was single...

I feel very sad for my friends who are unaware that their husbands could behave like this.

Poor you :(

It takes a while to get used to single life - you do feel vulnerable, and all a bit uncertain about things at first. Drunk idiots are part of it all - married or not - but there are also nice men out there too, honest. I have new DP now :)

This really rings a bell for me too; I went to a party recently and I got my arse felt by my friend's boyfriend and he asked if I was up for 'naughty fun'. Of course I said no and he got the hump. I think I sound like you, not a flirt, getting my confidence back. It is just demoralising.

Thanks, I'm really grateful for the responses.

I was actually scared putting up my OP. Worried people would think it was my fault what happened.

Sorry others have been through similar though it's reassuring obviously.

I made an effort for the wedding and I know I looked a million bucks (by my standards).

But I was splashing cold water on my face before I put my make up on because it was all blotchy from crying, thinking 'I can't cope with this'.

I got dressed up and looked good FOR ME. Now I feel cheap that I did, as if it was to invite shit like this.

Ah well, a learning experience I guess.

Oi, you dress the way you want, mrs. Don't blame yourself. These are shitty men who miss-read your new-found confidence as 'she's single so must be desperate'.

Feel momentarily sorry for them and move on.

Oh dear, yes this can be normal, a good way if dealing with it is to shout "sexual assault is a CRIME, MOVE YOUR HANDS!"

Sadly, OP, there are some (usually married) men who will try to take advantage of a newly single woman; have never really understood this but suppose that they think that the women will be grateful for attention and that they (the men) will be rewarded with a bit of action!

Don't blame yourself; pity the poor wives!

Life lesson... avoid pissed men at parties. :) A pissed man often thinks that if a woman talks to him or smiles at him he's OK trying it on. He doesn't care that you're single or not. That's life. Hope you kicked the cheeky bugger in the nuts.

I would say next time if he ignores your polite attempts yell at him to fuck off and stop sexually harassing you as you are not interested.

Sleezy bastard. You did nothing wrong.

Don't blame yourself. It is due to the fact he's a twat. Nothing else. Men like that view women as men's property. It is acceptable to have a go at a single woman because she's no one else's. It's not acceptable to have a go at a married woman because she belongs to another man (and he may get his head kicked in). Sadly, the woman's right to not be mauled does not come into it for idiots like that. I bet he's an awful husband to his poor wife.

It might not even have made a difference that you're single. He could have tried it on regardless. Try not to blame yourself - if it were a friend of yours would you blame her?

You were unlucky. The man you thought was nice, friendly company turn out to be a creep. You can't tell creeps just by looking (wouldn't life be simpler if you could?)

Better to be in your shoes (with standards) than either his (creepy) or sadly his wife's (who may or may not know he can behave as such an arse).

Yuck. Sympathies. Obviously not you it is them.

This has not - thank God - happened to me with friends OHs but I have been out at wider social events when someone has asked me out - got a bit 'close' -and when I asked about their wedding ring/wedding ring indent/status got the 'oh we are together for the children/religion/insert unlikely explanation' we do separate things and have separate lives, she is fine with me doing my own thing.

All three occassions were either in bar/restaurant when guy's mobile phone was on bar/table and I found that the best way to put the wind up their sails is to pick up phone and say "Great. I just want to check that your wife has the same understanding as I'd hate for there to be any confusion and I would never date someon in a relationship"....All three times, guy goes deathly pale, grabs phone back and makes excuses.

At best sad, at worst contemptable.

Don't let your experience put you off glamming up and being friendly though my love. You sound incredibly self aware, lovely and the issue is not yours.

Thank you so much everyone. Am touched that you have posted without a hint of 'are you sure you didn't give him the come-on' etc. I was nervous about that. It shows we're conditioned to suspect the victim - because it happens such a lot - in the press, in the courts etc.

And a bit on these boards. Not all 'OW' are blameless but there is a special vitriol reserved for them and a few of them probably don't know what they've got into. There seems to be an epidemic of cheating, social media-driven I guess. Grabbing someone at a party is pretty old-school (and crass)!

BelleDame you are right if it were one of my friends I'd be cross for her, not think it was her fault.

Well now I'll be more wary and if anything like that happens again I'll deal with it more robustly. I keep fantasising in my head about put-downs I should have used.

Downunder, wedding ring indent. Ugh.

Op my friend no longer sees her only sister as BIL was rather persistent in his attentions to my newly divorced friend!

She agonised for ages how to deal with it but he saw her as fair game, and in the end it was easier to avoid all contact.

This all happened at a wedding?

I'm jus wondering what sort of man attempts to kiss and/or touch up another woman at an event also attended by his wife (possibly family and friends too).

Ack you are so right to be upset

There are these kind of wankers all over the place unfortunately. I used to get hit on a lot by married blokes at work functions because I was single. As soon as I got together with now DH, it all stopped and these same sleezeballs suddenly started treating me with 'respect' (and I use the term very loosely!!) and expecting to be chums and come along to golf things with their wives.

I like colditz's idea.

Don't let it get to you, it is totally their problem and not yours, you have done nothing wrong at all. Chin up :)

"It shows we're conditioned to suspect the victim - because it happens such a lot - in the press, in the courts etc."

Speak for yourself. This is MN, any 'conditioning' is to support women, and we've all met creepy blokes that push their luck. It wouldn't have mattered if you'd been wearing a t-shirt saying 'come and get me Big Boy', he'd still be a creepy bloke. :)

I once had this guy trying to kiss me, except I was married, he was dating a colleague and friend, and he was a colleague.
None of us were drunk, and it was in the office.

We would always believe you. :)

As someone suggested, a knee to the groin should be a good deterrent.

Or apply the defense against kiss as seen here

A lot of what wouldn't have been noticed when you were still married will be noticed by eagle-eyed people NOW. I 'm certainly not defending this friend of a friend, but he's irrelevant. I'm sorry to say that after being the subject of gossip once, early on, I no longer accept lifts from the dads (even in the rain) and I don't make any effort to talk to the sahds as it would be considered flirting now I'm single (but friendliness before). Bonkers really. I know I'm not after somebody else's husband, but I also know, if anybody ever got the wrong end of the stick, I'd be the one judged

ps, OP you think just how I do. I have no interest in a man who is somebody else's and has just shown me how grubby he is, and 2) I'd die if women thought I was some sort of predator.
I had a married man I hardly know (and I hardly know his wife equally iyswim) ask me how long it was since I had sex. omg. Why was he asking? concern ? I had thought we were going to talk about the weather until the train arrived.

I'm glad someone has used the word 'predator' because that's exactly what this sleazebag is. Unfortunately, there are a lot of them around. Shr0, he was asking you because to him you are a vagina on legs that he thinks is fair game to take a pop at. Men like this are beyond vile.

It is extremely dispiriting that this goes on, but it does. What does concern me are the flashbacks and feeling 'dirty', which suggest a level of trauma. I don't feel I can say 'don't take it seriously' as it has already affected you deeply. I remember a woman once came on to me in a very blatant and sexual way (I am a woman) and I was deeply shocked (particularly as it was in a professional context!) - my colleagues laughed it off, thought it was funny (this was back in the day!). But to me it was awful and it took me a long time to get over it. I was the victim of a predator - and so were you.

Please please please do not take what he did as a reflection on you. Please! It had nothing to do with you at all. You so bravely bit the bullet and went to a very challenging event - and along came this rodent. Please, please don't take it personally.

In future, keep your eye out for the predator/s and steer clear - but try not to take it personally. There are some revolting men about, tis all.

SO well done, btw, for being brave and going alone. I bet you looked fabulous - probably because you are

Not your fault

Hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong

Wrong place, wrong time, a bloke that is wrong

Don't let it put you off socialising as you see fit

:(((((

The day after the wedding I texted my friend (the bride) to say thanks and how lovely it all was.

She didn't text back but I didn't think anything of it.

This evening I went to an event that my dd was in (went with ex and our other dd).

When I got there I realised said friend's dd was in it too. She texted me to ask if I was there. I said I was and she said my dd was looking for me in the crowd and if I wanted there was a seat next to her.

I replied that dd had spotted us and I was with ex and dd and would see her in the bar during the interval.

She didn't show up. Afterwards there was a big stress because dd1 lost her ipod and she and I were rushing around trying to find it (cleaner had it). She asked me what was wrong and I told her dd had lost ipod.

But afterwards I went to join her and a group of people and got v chilly vibes. It felt really awkward, she was pretty much ignoring me and I felt v uncomfortable because she hadn't met me in the interval either. I know I'm not imagining it.

Kids came out and we shot off.

I feel absolutely awful. I think she's got the hump with me for some reason, I can only imagine it was something to do with the incident in my OP. I feel really horrible about it. We've been friends for nearly seven years.

What do I do now? I feel like a pariah and I didn't do anything wrong. I was pissed but I don't get lairy with men when I'm pissed. The end of the evening's a bit of a blur but I have a distinct memory of this awful guy moving in on me and feeling like it was the shock of my life.

I really don't know how to deal with this and feel very vulnerable.
WWYD?

I think maybe ask your friend outright if she's pissed off with you for some reason?