Newly single, another woman's husband tried to kiss me at a party :(

[notthesamenametoday]

I mean for fuck's sake, is that what I've got in store for me now I'm on my own?

I went to a wedding - close friends. First big social occasion I've been to on my own, I've been hibernating since separating; focusing on home, work and kids.

Felt very nervous about going. Everyone was in couples except me, and it's a wedding, not easy when you've recently separated.

But I relaxed after a while and just enjoyed the party. I'm a friendly, chatty person who gets on well with both men and women. More of a woman's woman though really. Not one of those whose attention wanders when a man enters the room and she feels the need for some ego boosting.

Later in the evening, one of the guys who I'd been talking to earlier that evening tried to give me a proper kiss, kind of cornered me. I keep getting flashbacks and it feels quite unreal; I know I was horrified and escaped asap, but I was a bit pissed so it's a bit of a blur.

I know I'm blameless because I don't flirt, he's not attractive at all and I wouldn't even kiss Daniel Craig (swoon) because he's married. But I still feel guilty and worried that anyone would think I came on to this guy. I feel dirty and culpable and wonder what the fuck signals I could have given out. I know it's ridiculous and I am victim-blaming. But I feel very vulnerable now I'm on my own. I'm not looking for a relationship at all, let alone a grubby affair with someone else's husband. I'd hate any woman to think I was a predator or unsafe because I am not. I'm worried that this is normal; sleazy husbands will think I am fair game/desperate.

This guy wasn't just sleazy for doing what he did, he's the kind of little creep I'd never touch with a bargepole at any time in my life. It sounds vain but to be frank I am way way out of his league and I feel kind of horrified that he thought it was Ok to have a go...

It's made me feel horrible about what was otherwise a really lovely event. I haven't told anyone and am not planning to, so thought I'd vent on here if that's OK. :(

This is all new to me. Any women out there who've had to renegotiate social life with married friends who can tell me if this is normal or not? Thanks in advance.

Ask your friend what she thinks is going on

How? Should I text her, ring her?

I suppose I feel a bit like, why should I? I haven't done anything wrong. I feel cross and upset.

You are feeling like shit and you don't know why

I reckon creepy guy has been telling tall tales

This is your friend of 7 years

Why can't you ask her?

Ok well I sent a text just saying 'I got the bad vibes off you this evening. Don't know why and it's really upsetting'.

Good for you

Thanks AF. Do you think that was the right call? I've got a horrible feeling I'm going to get painted as the desperate single woman here... blamed.

Never mind that this arsehole was, honestly, physically like the human equivalent to a rat.

When I was in my late 20s I was a young rep - the only woman in a sales force of about 200. Most men were absolute gentlemen but it never ceased to amaze me that some seemed to think that any woman on her own is fair game.

I came to the conclusion that some will try it on with everyone - it's a numbers game - they're bound to get lucky sometimes. Creeps.

It sounds like this nasty, inadequate man has decided to protect himself by getting his version of the incident in first. It's unfortunately something a lot of male predators like to do, because these men not only believe that women are really men's property and therefore any woman without a male owner is a thing that can be picked up and played with, but they also feel that a woman without a male owner is to blame for anything that happens to her and is in fact evil. So they will play on the fact that, unfortunately, quite a lot of people a) are obsessed with the sacredness of monogamy and happy to condone or participate in any kind of cruel or stupid behaviour if 'protecting sacred monogamy' is the justification and b) will always believe worse of women than of men.

How it works is: he decided that you were available and he could 'have' you. You resisted, therefore you should be punished - if you had accepted his sexual advances he might have decided that as his new property you deserved protection, but as you didn't, he's going to sacrifice you so that his behaviour in hitting on you won't be questioned. He's in a monogamous relationship therefore morally superior to a single person.

I think it was fine, OP.

Don't say any more unless you are directly asked. You don't have to proffer any explanations. If you want to, explain once and no more.

Keep in mind what sgb said. Sometimes you cannot win with some people, but you know the truth and that is all that matters.

As irritating as it is for such a crap physical specimen to be the centre of such drama, resist the temptation to keep asserting you wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

Men like this will always twist such protestations into "she fancies me really" so just keep to bare facts.

Unwanted advances, pressed, are unacceptable.

A social situation where love is in the air, and copious amounts of booze are being drunk, and people are dressed attractively will create a frisson of ardour around. Being, drunk, and on your own, with other drunk men around always has risk.

You did nothing wrong. My advice would be to ensure you stick close enough to others in such a situation that a man wont try it on, and if he does, oters are there to help you deal with it.

Thank you so much everyone. Great advice and means so much to have support. I don't want to talk to people about this in RL.

All a very salutary experience. Almost leaves me feeling I should find myself a bloke just to protect me. But I am very happy on my own at the moment.

AF you are right that much as I would like to pour scorn on this worm, protesting too much won't help.

My friend texted back and said 'don't be daft, you seemed in a pickle [re the ipod] and not in a mood to talk' but I still don't feel completely reassured.

But life is busy enough so I won't dwell on it.

Men are such twats. Not all, but the good ones seem so much rarer than good women.

Thanks again, good women.x

If your friend texted you to see if you were there, and to say there was a seat nearby, then I would assume all is ok and you just didn't meet up through accident, not her deliberately bad vibing you. So, don't read too much into things and spoil it with her, especially as she has texted you back. I think it's more likely that you are really feeling vulnerable and sensitive as a result of this twat, I am also quite a friendly person who will chat to anyone, but like you would never flirt/cheat/give off available signals to married people, and would also feel really stressed in this situation, on the odd occasion I have felt utterly freaked out. But don't let this spoil your friendship or pick up on bad vibes, they can't have been that bad if she was texting you, and when you saw her later, you were also quite flustered and stressed.

In other words, don't let his version of you become you, you did nothing wrong and if anyone mentions it, you can mention that he was quite inappropriate and an utter creep, then carry on as you were. You don't need to be sorry, because you have nothing whatsoever to apologise for.

A man who would behave like that at an event, with his wife probably there!

he is most likely some kind of serial cheat, you won't be the first of the last.

he must have some gall to behave like that, in the worst possible way.

Does his wife know?

whimsical I doubt if his wife knows. I can't imagine him being a serial cheat, he's not attractive enough!

Thanks Mumsy. Yes you are right, shouldn't let this affect things with my friend.

It's very likely this man has said nothing. Sounds like you are feeling vulnerable, and why wouldn't you be, it's easy to feel a bit paranoid but probably your friend has her own stuff going on - she did offer you a seat after all if I understood correctly? There may be some women of course who might feel threatened by a single woman looking good if they are feeling vulnerable themselves. I am sure your true friends know you though and don't see you as any threat.

I agree with SGB's summary of events there.

Many years ago, in what feels like a previous life now because it was before any of my friends had kids, a friend's fiance made it clear he wanted to have sex with me but was offended when I politely made it clear that I was 1)shocked 2) offended & 3) concerned that my friend was about to marry such a tosser. Like SGB would have predicted, he then went on a smear campaign. He was mocking me for something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but Ifelt mocked and threatened. I told somebody I knew would tell my friend and it's just as well I did because like SGB says, he had got in there first with some version of events that cast me in a drunken slutty kind of role.

LOL attractiveness has little to with serial cheating , as the saying goes, I've seen better looking bulldogs chewing wasps.

I doubt its the first time is he's that brazen though, any updates on the sit?

No, no updates.

I feel very weary. Have had a long week at work and I haven't been thinking much about that nasty little event. I have been feeling lonely though; it's kind of highlighted my isolation. I live in a small town and there aren't many opportunities here for building a new social life. I am very busy with work, always.

When the kids are here I am very focused on them; when they are not I am catching up on all the jobs.

My marriage was very unhappy and all I could see was how much I wanted to get out. Now I suppose I feel rather cast out by the people I used to spend time with. We moved here as a couple with children, and this means we made friends with couples with children. I don't seem to fit anywhere now. My phone doesn't ring much.

I said I was happy on my own and I am most of the time - until I get tired, like now, and kind of wish there was someone to share the burden with, to talk about the day etc.

Having the children only part time makes me realise that one day they will be gone. The idea of being completely on my own forever makes me feel a bit sad.

Still getting used to it all I guess.