Should I stay or should I go?

[Applez]

I'm a first time poster so please bear with me.
I've been married for 5 years, have 2 children (2,1) and I think my marriage is over.
My husband has always been a great provider (I work too), he is reliable and hard working but we have always had arguments in our relationship. In between arguments we get on well and he is nice to me, when we are out people often tell me how they think my husband adores me, but our arguments are awful- shouting, he makes personal remarks about my parenting skills, the state of the house, he can be very intimidating (broke things before) but never violent towards me, even though I have felt very scared and was sure he was going to hit me on a few occasions because of his temper. Then he won't speak to me for days, I usually try to clear the air as I can't stand that atmosphere in the house.
He makes me feel like I'm going mad sometimes, telling me I'm too soft and i need to toughen up, but the way he speaks to me when he is angry is so disrespectful and I just know it's not right.
He is a great dad, very patient when he is with the kids. I just feel that he can be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde really.
Part of me thinks that I know deep down that I can't be with a man who makes me feel scared and who talks to me with so little respect and part of me wonders if he can ever change as the nice side of him can be so caring. I feel so confused as I hate the idea of tearing the family apart, but yet I don't want the children to grow up with 2 parents who are always arguing and disrespectful.
I never speak to him disrespectfully and I know that I am a very good wife and mother to the boys. I know I'm not perfect but I also know that it isn't hard to treat someone with respect and just be nice to them!
We are thinking of marriage counselling but I have a feeling it will be difficult as my husband finds it difficult to accept responsibly for his actions, because I believe deep down he doesn't think he is doing anything that wrong.
I suppose I'm just wanting someone else's perspective on all of this, what should I do?
I also feel huge guilt regarding taking the children away from him as they are his world even though he could see them every weekend as I want them to have a good relationship with their father.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

www.amazon.co.uk/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can--Should-Be/dp/042523889X/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1363044107&sr=1-3

Think you should read this book before embarking on counselling - it will open your eyes. Even has the same name as your thread = it really helped me see what you suspect - that your DH does not want to take responsibility for his actions.

Thank you Jane, I'll have a look now.

I don't know what you should do but 7 years ago approx I started a thread with exactly the same title as yours
I went, in the end, and life is great
Good luck, whatever you decide

Thanks wild, it's so good to hear that life can be good on the other side, it just seems such a huge jump at the moment, the guilt thing is killing me.

I think you should try councelling and if nothing changes then make your decision thereafter.

His behaviour sounds appalling and the kids will be affected by that environment. Your confidence has already been floored and you are walking on eggshells with this man.

Make some objectives and agree to them if you can.
Give an ultimatum and follow it through if nothing changes. Good luck

it's certainly not something to be frightened about, don't just stay because you are scared to leave
stay because you want to, and because you and dh are a partnership
my dc have a good relationship with their father, much better than would have been the case had we stayed
my dc were 3 and 6 months when I left, so similar age to yours.
ex and I are amicable, I retrained as a teacher and life is hectic but I feel much happier than I did before

yy, don't rush it! you'll cope op, whatever you decide!

Thanks wild, I do think it would be better to leave now when the children are still so young rather than with til they are any older as I feel deep down that he will never change and in all honesty he hasn't changed since I met him, I've changed, I'm not willing to let my children grow up in that environment.
I wonder if counselling would help to separate more amicably though.

Thank you dryjuice, maybe I should give counselling a go, even just to help him, as I truly believe he isn't happy either.

Just want to bump this up to see if anyone else has any advise?

Try 'too good to leave too bad to stay' by Mira Krishenbaum. Think about fear and anger in your childhood. it sounds like some sort of pattern is being repeated. If you don't feel safe or respected, this is a relationship that will wither and die in some way eventually.

My advice is for you to have individual counselling, not joint with him

It is likely he will twist the words you say in sessions and use them against you. He will tailor his own conclusions as a stick to beat you with, because this is how he operates

Don't give him any more opportunities to diminish you

Your children deserve better than to be witness to what is supposed to be a loving relationship made so twisted by him...these are damaging lessons they are picking up on.

Start making your plans to exit this unsatisfactory situation....for your kid's sake

Thank you Tessa, I think the hardest decision is making the decision, and only I can do that I suppose, but in my heart I know the love and respect is gone.

Do you think he understands how unhappy his behaviour is making you? Can you realistically see him changing?

I think he does now as there is serious possibility that I'm gong to leave him, and I've told him that, he is taking some responsibility but I don't know if he can ever really change his controlling behaviour, his moods, our sex life is bad too, there are so many problems its difficult to know if they can be fixed.

I had the same problem with a controlling husband. Promised he would change and yes, things did go well for a little while. I alone had to make up my mind also thinking "what about the kids". I came to one conclusion, for me to help my kids i need to help myself first. Kids would rather live in two separate homes than see mommy and daddy sad. Put yourself first, what do you want.

I came on here today for the first time in a year or two with a similar story. I almost could have written your post, with a few small differences. One of the problems that is particularly worrying is that, like your dh, he is never wrong. He is absolutely convinced of his rightness.

I have tried everything to make him happy, but no amount of love or commitment has made him content or calm.

I've realised he is a very angry person, with a lot of resentment, who is always blaming others (or the weather, or God) for his problems. The sad thing is that to other people he has so much, but he cannot see it. He complains all day long, blaming people, belittling (me), swearing at God etc. Any small thing can trigger a reaction.

Like your husband, he is moody and controlling and constantly disappointed by people and things. His 'fun' nickname for me is 'smelly' (really cute huh) and he often says I am lazy (which is ridiculous) amongst other nastier things (b...., c...). He seems to believe that he is the only person in the world who deserves sympathy and everyone is trying to use him or hurt him.

Nobody is allowed to accuse him of anything, because he is supporting the family. He has made no effort to make friends for some time and avoids social occasions outside work. Whereas I am sociable and sporty and find our home life more and more boring and suffocating.

I realised last week that there is no way this relationship will improve which is sad for me and the children. The problem is, it's not in my nature to hurt people and I know leaving him would ruin him, but he is slowly destroying me. He has had over two years of therapy previously, but he is a person who never sees things from other people's viewpoints, which might be why it hasn't helped him with our relationship. In fact he seemed to pick out bits from what the therapist said and use them as ammunition, which isn't really the point of counselling!

Good luck in doing the right thing for you and your family. It's not easy is it.

You should leave him. He sounds foul, and it won't get better

I agree with AF

don't do couple's counselling, he is emotionally abusive and he will use what you say in counselling against you.

Make plans to leave.

Was wondering what you get out of this relationship now?. You seem to be stuck currently on a raft made out of responsibility towards him leaning towards codependency and guilt. However, the head side of you is telling you that the love and trust has gone.

Am sure you'd tell me he is the life and soul - I would respond that many abusers are indeed very plausible to those in the outside world. One or two of your friends may actually have their own suspicions re him; he cannot keep up the nice man facade all the time. Bet you as well he's never smashed up any of his own possessions.

You are reasonable - he is not. You accept you're not perfect and accept responsibility for your actions - he does not and likely never will. He would have been the exact same regardless of whom he married. This is deeply ingrained within him and you cannot fix him, no matter how much you have and do try.

No to joint counselling; emotionally abusive men use counselling as a stick to further beat their victims with. If you have counselling go on your own and then you will also be able to talk freely and without his rancour and talking over you. No decent counsellor worth their salt would counsel the two of you together anyway due to the ongoing abuse within the relationship.

Am sorry to tell you this as well but he's not a great dad to your children at all because he treats you, their mother, with contempt. They are learning to treat you with contempt too. Your children will not thank you for staying with him were you to choose to do so; they will see your inherent misery and lack of self worth and will wonder why you did not leave years earlier. Staying for them therefore won't cut it with them. Staying with him will ruin you.

Your children still have a right to have a relationship with their Dad after separation; they will make up their own mind about him too.

When your children are older they could well copy their Dad's mannerisms and words towards you. They are already picking up subconsciously on what he does and how you react to it and that is all very damaging to them as well. This is not a role model for a relationship you want to teach them is it?.

I doubt also very much he will be at all amicable re any separation you make - and must make. He wants you in that cage of his own making. Such men do not let go of their victims easily; after all this is about power and control and he wants absolute. He will never be reasonable but adversarial.

You are not responsible for someone's elses happiness; only your own.

You cannot even begin to help someone like your H; he is unhappy but you did not cause that unhappiness to arise. You're his conduit for all his inherent ills.

What are his parents like btw; if you were to write they are very similar I would not be at all surprised.

If you have to ask the question, the answer should always be to go. Your OP doesn't do anything to detract from that sentiment. It's not any way to live

I could have written this. My h is currently crashing around upstairs looking for his hair clippers. He seems to think I have hidden them somewhere.

He is meant to be leaving at the weekend. I can't wait! He is a total bastard. He is horrible to me and to older children (from my previous marriage) and blames everything on me. I am always the bad guy.

I know I am a good wife and good mother. I have a good job and work hard but it is never good enough.

Well good luck to him! We'll miss him- not!

MissB, I wouldn't hold your breath that he will do right by you and actually leave

He is violent. Just because he hasn't got as far as actually punching you yet doesn't mean he's not. The breaking things and intimidation are just the warm up acts.

I'd recommend counselling on your own, not with him. A counsellor worth their salt wouldn't see you together anyway, given he's a bullying tosser.

Think about the home you want your children growing up in, and the role models and behaviours you want them to witness every day.