Should I stay or should I go?

[Applez]

I'm a first time poster so please bear with me.
I've been married for 5 years, have 2 children (2,1) and I think my marriage is over.
My husband has always been a great provider (I work too), he is reliable and hard working but we have always had arguments in our relationship. In between arguments we get on well and he is nice to me, when we are out people often tell me how they think my husband adores me, but our arguments are awful- shouting, he makes personal remarks about my parenting skills, the state of the house, he can be very intimidating (broke things before) but never violent towards me, even though I have felt very scared and was sure he was going to hit me on a few occasions because of his temper. Then he won't speak to me for days, I usually try to clear the air as I can't stand that atmosphere in the house.
He makes me feel like I'm going mad sometimes, telling me I'm too soft and i need to toughen up, but the way he speaks to me when he is angry is so disrespectful and I just know it's not right.
He is a great dad, very patient when he is with the kids. I just feel that he can be a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde really.
Part of me thinks that I know deep down that I can't be with a man who makes me feel scared and who talks to me with so little respect and part of me wonders if he can ever change as the nice side of him can be so caring. I feel so confused as I hate the idea of tearing the family apart, but yet I don't want the children to grow up with 2 parents who are always arguing and disrespectful.
I never speak to him disrespectfully and I know that I am a very good wife and mother to the boys. I know I'm not perfect but I also know that it isn't hard to treat someone with respect and just be nice to them!
We are thinking of marriage counselling but I have a feeling it will be difficult as my husband finds it difficult to accept responsibly for his actions, because I believe deep down he doesn't think he is doing anything that wrong.
I suppose I'm just wanting someone else's perspective on all of this, what should I do?
I also feel huge guilt regarding taking the children away from him as they are his world even though he could see them every weekend as I want them to have a good relationship with their father.
Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

You've already left him, in your head. That's why separate counselling is the answer as it will help you come to terms with your decision and support you through it.

Get out while they are young. Kids pick up on everything and if the respect and love is gone, it's time to go.

Dhneverhappy that sounds awful, you say it isn't in your nature to hurt people but they way I see it, our husbands are hurting themselves, they caused the situation, not us, they are the ones with the anger issues, not us, they are the ones making the whole families life difficult and hard work, not us, so if we leave and they end with nothing, it is as a result of their actions, not ours. These are the thoughts that keep me strong anyway. Someone else said on here that I bet his parents are the same and yes you are exactly right, they are, they make me shudder sometimes as there are a horrible glimpse into what our lives could become and how my children could end up if I don't do something to change things. I know I sound all tough now, but yesterday dh sent me a lovely text and it does make me question things again, but I know I just have to make the decision and stick with it and not get brain washed.

Thank you everyone for your words of advice, it has helped me so much xxxx

"lovely texts" are very easy to tap out on a phone and press send, aren't they

zero effort required

actions m'dear, always scrutinise the actions

applez - thanks for the note. Rereading your post this morning, I can't help but think our partners are very similar. I don't hate him, in fact I mostly love him and feel very sorry for him, but my worry is that all this pressure and atmosphere will destroy me, and I know that that is not in the best interests of my children. There is always an underlying tenseness in our household. He is very generous with presents, in birthday and Christmas cards writes about how much he loves me, even if the day previously he was swearing and cursing at me. In public people get the impression he adores me. It is very Jekyll and Hyde and I think he must have a degree of personality disorder or maybe Aspbergers. Once he gets things off his chest, he expects everything to go back to normal as if it never happened. He threatens to smash up my things and I always thought that if I left, and left my belongings behind they would all be broken when I returned.

Men like this are all shop-window. They put on a public show of adoration and buy presents and cards for other people to read, but in private they are aggressive bullies.

The only thing to do is to get out, because it will never get any better.

And don't go near a couples counsellor with men who are this manipulative. Get some counselling yourselves to give you the strength to leave and to hear someone else speak the words about how much children are damaged by relationships like these.

I haven't been on here for a while. I think our dh's are very alike dhneverhappy, my dh always gives me amazing presents and buys what I call "fight" presents, if we have had a row.
On the positive side I've booked to go to counselling by myself so I'm really looking forward to getting a professional, objective perspective on things.